My log/e-diary

Day 4 . Slept bad but didn't wank in the uni's toilets to reduce stress . I am studying in the library.

 

Day 4 felt kinda insecure about my height , weight and lack of facial hair. I feel like a big baby. However I studied today and made progress . I'm gonna give my degree my all now . I really want to move away from my house now . Gonna learn how to drive . Basically I want to feel like a grown up. I'm going to buy food and exercise tommorow, I've written a diet . I've deleted one of my social media that could cause a relapse because girls in a group chat I was in were talking about sexual content. I can't wait to finish a week of nofap.

 

I also avoided the toxic chatrooms.

 

Day 5 , Stood up to somebody leeching off me . I'm a chill guy but I have limits too.

 

Gonna write about my day..

 

I felt super energetic today . I was under a bit of stress today , that would have caused me to masturbate for relief. I also was more confident around strangers today .
I couldn't finish the workout , I'm not surprised.(chest couldnt finish , abs could not start and cardio didntt even try
It has been almost 9 months since I did consistent exercise so I am not surprised.
I bought an electronic weight scale to measure my food.
I have avoided the toxic chatrooms.
I have loads of studying to do.

 

I got rejected to all the summer internships I applied to . I am feeling kinda dissapointed but I will research new companies to apply to this weekend .

 

I feel crazily relaxed. Like too relaxed . I'm confident as anything . It is like I exude confidence , and I am a short guy. I need to channel the energy towards exercise and studying though.

 

I realised most people have low self esteem !

 

Day 9

 

Good work, keep going.

 

Day 10 , going strong , I'm trying to avoid the chatrooms and study /exercise more.

 

I procrastinated too much

 

Day 11 , been feeling like my family is against me lately. I'm more independent now..

 

Day 13 , I feel too relaxed and non chalant about some important things ,but some other issues I discovered they bother me more than I want to really admit . I have zero social anxiety now.

 

Day 14 . Today feels like my hardest day.This summer is going to be hard , I need to be occupied and motivated throughout the season . I write this as I am on the bus . Every crevice , angle and curve of the female anatomy tempts me . I need to be careful today . I have been listening to math rock and progressive rock avoiding my rnb ,afrobeat and rap songs that describe sex. I have started to read the Bible again and pray again , I am not a religious man by any means but I remember when I was . I think I was happier and life was more fufilling , I just want peace tbh. I pray for peace and contentment with my height , my appearance , my grades , my life and ..........my situation.

 

I have relapsed on Day 18 through sexting/video cams . I feel disappointing by my inability to control my inhibitions .I have continuously evaluated if removing PMO from my life is worthwhile , especially with the amount of times a day I stress out. I'm willing to start again , I now know why I need to stop and make a change. I don't have that much time left before the game is over .I don't want lose again . I keep losing. Its so frustrating..... I wish was invisible , it would be the same as how I am currently living ......but at least there would be no stares, dark skin causes attention .I don't wan't sympathy , I want a catalyst of change.
I want refuge far away from my current situation.

 

18 days is a good streak. If you write X's and Os on a calendar and step back to look at it, that will give you some perspective.
Use what you learned and go farther this time.
You can do this.

 

Thanks I'm just going to try again.