Hi guys, I'm kind of new to this, but I decided that now is the time now to share my story. Please read until the end (trust me). Here it is... I was first exposed to porn when I was in middle school, in 8th grade. Nothing too extreme, just pictures of naked women. I found a site that granted me access to hundreds of pictures of a wide variety of pornstars. All different types from all backgrounds and all areas of sexual activity. I would secretly visit the site a few times a week after school and would masturbate in secret. It didn't last for long (usually a few minutes, maybe a half hour at most), but I was aroused from what I saw. Don't get me wrong, this did not discourage me from my studies. I ended up doing really well and the success continued into high school, but so did my problem. Through my early years in high school, I would occasionally masturbate. Similar to middle school, it only lasted a few minutes, and would vary across the weeks (sometimes once a week, sometimes more than once, sometimes no times). Still, it would be in secret. In addition, pictures transitioned to videos, making the content more vulgar. However, one day in junior year, something happened that made me question my masturbation. A relative of mine tragically passed, but the day before, I had masturbated. This is where it might get confusing. I had been tracing some of my masturbation habits and came to a bizarre conclusion that it lead to the death. You may be thinking "What? Why? How could that be?" In short, I cannot explain it, at least rationally. But wait, this is only the beginning. After the death, I stopped my masturbation and porn activity, just like that. I had sexual thoughts racing through my head, but I never committed to the act. Truthfully, I didn't want to put any of my family members in harm's way. This may sound silly, but I really believed that my masturbation and porn-watching lead to bad things happening. Eventually, I was able to go two years (yes, two years) without porn and my life was great. I was doing well in high school and making many new memories both in and out of school. But then... In 2017, I found out that a sextape of a celebrity (whom I will keep anonymous) leaked and went abuzz on social media. I happened to be familiar with her line of work, but I originally did not want to view it. One day though, I just lost it. The pressure ate at me (everyone saw it, why can't I). I looked it up, and before you know it, I was into my old habits again. I was looking up videos and masturbating in secret again. The only difference is that the time frame shifted from per week to per weeks. This means that I varied my masturbation habits maybe once a week, or once every few weeks, and at worst, a few times a week. Again, this did not interfere with my college-education, as I am very satisfied with my grades and am doing really well. What this did interfere with is my personal life. As I did before, I tracked my masturbation (again, this may sound weird) and came to a startling discovery. I found that after my masturbation, my parents would quarrel. Seriously. They would be normal one day, and within a few more days, they would get into a fight and not talk for a while. Now, hear me out. They have their own problems, and the quarreling would subside for a while, but I feel like it goes away when I don't masturbate. However, I am currently in my late teens going into my 20s and am conflicted with my sexual activity. On one hand, I want to masturbate and watch porn. It's not illegal, lots of people do it, so why can't I? It doesn't interfere with my education or social life (even though I am much of a loner). But on the other hand, I know what the benefits of a life without it are, especially regarding my family. Flash-forward to the present day. I am masturbating, watching porn, (again, varying between the weeks), but my parents are fighting like crazy. But this time, it's worse. They are currently separated, but keep contact for the sake of me and my sister. When I do it, they hate each other. When I cease, they like each other. I don't know what to do. However, I am experiencing the worst conditions in my life. When I watch porn, I feel completely guilty about what I do. I know it is wrong, I know it is immoral, but I still do it. I can't sleep at night, and feel deep regret. I feel ashamed for the eventual "bad luck" that I know will come (btw, this doesn't just include my parents fighting, other things too, but my parents are my priority). Why do I do it? For the feeling? For the release from all my problems? Now, I vary between weeks, but I fear that the worse will come. Believe me, I try to suppress my thoughts, but it is hard, and I have had some moments of weakness. And yes, bad things happen when I have them. It has come to a point that I hate myself for what I am doing, for what I am thinking. I feel like I am disgracing myself, my family, and even God for my wrongdoings. I feel like I am a sinner, and I must be punished. Everything with my parents problems is my fault. I have to be stopped. I don't want me or my family to suffer any more. What do I do? Is there any hope for me and my family?