My Masturbation Leads to Evil

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Icarus567, Jul 10, 2019.

  1. Icarus567

    Icarus567 Fapstronaut

    Hi guys,
    I'm kind of new to this, but I decided that now is the time now to share my story. Please read until the end (trust me). Here it is...

    I was first exposed to porn when I was in middle school, in 8th grade. Nothing too extreme, just pictures of naked women. I found a site that granted me access to hundreds of pictures of a wide variety of pornstars. All different types from all backgrounds and all areas of sexual activity. I would secretly visit the site a few times a week after school and would masturbate in secret. It didn't last for long (usually a few minutes, maybe a half hour at most), but I was aroused from what I saw. Don't get me wrong, this did not discourage me from my studies. I ended up doing really well and the success continued into high school, but so did my problem.
    Through my early years in high school, I would occasionally masturbate. Similar to middle school, it only lasted a few minutes, and would vary across the weeks (sometimes once a week, sometimes more than once, sometimes no times). Still, it would be in secret. In addition, pictures transitioned to videos, making the content more vulgar. However, one day in junior year, something happened that made me question my masturbation. A relative of mine tragically passed, but the day before, I had masturbated. This is where it might get confusing. I had been tracing some of my masturbation habits and came to a bizarre conclusion that it lead to the death. You may be thinking "What? Why? How could that be?" In short, I cannot explain it, at least rationally. But wait, this is only the beginning.
    After the death, I stopped my masturbation and porn activity, just like that. I had sexual thoughts racing through my head, but I never committed to the act. Truthfully, I didn't want to put any of my family members in harm's way. This may sound silly, but I really believed that my masturbation and porn-watching lead to bad things happening. Eventually, I was able to go two years (yes, two years) without porn and my life was great. I was doing well in high school and making many new memories both in and out of school. But then...
    In 2017, I found out that a sextape of a celebrity (whom I will keep anonymous) leaked and went abuzz on social media. I happened to be familiar with her line of work, but I originally did not want to view it. One day though, I just lost it. The pressure ate at me (everyone saw it, why can't I). I looked it up, and before you know it, I was into my old habits again. I was looking up videos and masturbating in secret again. The only difference is that the time frame shifted from per week to per weeks. This means that I varied my masturbation habits maybe once a week, or once every few weeks, and at worst, a few times a week. Again, this did not interfere with my college-education, as I am very satisfied with my grades and am doing really well. What this did interfere with is my personal life.
    As I did before, I tracked my masturbation (again, this may sound weird) and came to a startling discovery. I found that after my masturbation, my parents would quarrel. Seriously. They would be normal one day, and within a few more days, they would get into a fight and not talk for a while. Now, hear me out. They have their own problems, and the quarreling would subside for a while, but I feel like it goes away when I don't masturbate. However, I am currently in my late teens going into my 20s and am conflicted with my sexual activity. On one hand, I want to masturbate and watch porn. It's not illegal, lots of people do it, so why can't I? It doesn't interfere with my education or social life (even though I am much of a loner). But on the other hand, I know what the benefits of a life without it are, especially regarding my family.
    Flash-forward to the present day. I am masturbating, watching porn, (again, varying between the weeks), but my parents are fighting like crazy. But this time, it's worse. They are currently separated, but keep contact for the sake of me and my sister. When I do it, they hate each other. When I cease, they like each other. I don't know what to do. However, I am experiencing the worst conditions in my life. When I watch porn, I feel completely guilty about what I do. I know it is wrong, I know it is immoral, but I still do it. I can't sleep at night, and feel deep regret. I feel ashamed for the eventual "bad luck" that I know will come (btw, this doesn't just include my parents fighting, other things too, but my parents are my priority). Why do I do it? For the feeling? For the release from all my problems?
    Now, I vary between weeks, but I fear that the worse will come. Believe me, I try to suppress my thoughts, but it is hard, and I have had some moments of weakness. And yes, bad things happen when I have them. It has come to a point that I hate myself for what I am doing, for what I am thinking. I feel like I am disgracing myself, my family, and even God for my wrongdoings. I feel like I am a sinner, and I must be punished. Everything with my parents problems is my fault. I have to be stopped. I don't want me or my family to suffer any more.

    What do I do? Is there any hope for me and my family?
  2. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part ofour community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button |Day Counter | Rebooting Resources|Forum Rules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to alife free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
    mikewayne76 likes this.
  3. aragorn1

    aragorn1 Fapstronaut

    Icarus, this is super interesting. I've noticed this as well funnily enough. It's like PMO brings bad things into the world that weren't there before. Like your actions have emanated some negative energy into the world that then influences the environment around you. I believe this to be true, even though I am an engineer and very logic-based. It's evidenced by real-world observation.

    When you purify a village well (you're the well), those who drink from it are also purified. And so the opposite may be true too.

    And be careful about being a 'sinner' (we might get moved into the "religious" forum for this). The ancient Greek for "sin" is "to miss the mark" (an archer's term). It's not a condemnation. It's just a heads up. Like "hey man, be careful, you're just a little off there." It's just letting you know that you could be doing better. AND YOU ARE. You're here, posting on NoFap. Of course, there's hope for you. You're engaging in the struggle brother!

    Try a challenge. Find an accountability partner. This stuff will work for you, man. Just don't give up on it. Good things will come if you fight.
  4. Icarus567

    Icarus567 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the advice. I appreciate your post. Very well-written and thought out.
  5. Hey & Welcome to NoFap Community! :)

    You are in the right place for recovery here. We are so glad to have you with us to beat this addiction together.

    You can go read some Success Stories in the "Success Stories" section to learn more about the benefits of NoFap , get useful tips and ideas to help you in the reboot.

    If you have any question about rebooting, you can ask it in the "Rebooting" section.

    And I would recommend you to make your own journal in the "Reboot logs" corresponding to your gender & age to track your everyday progress.
    You can also join challenges in the "Events & Challenges" section, to keep yourself motivated and focused.

    You may start by checking the links below:
    Learn more about Rebooting.
    Forum Usage Guide.
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    Glossary of terms used in NoFap community.

    Best of luck to you in your journey!

    -The Winner
  6. bro holy crap i believe you. it is karma. the evil things you are doing are causing bad things to happen in your life. i’ve experienced this too, except the bad things affected me, not so much others

    I wish best of luck to you and thank you for sharing. you are not crazy
    Hello Friend likes this.
  7. Arms.R.heavy

    Arms.R.heavy Fapstronaut

    I never thought about correlating my PMO habits with bad events, and i never noticed anything regarding what you described. but there could be smth to what you're saying.
    On the other hand, there is no doubt PMO has detrimental effects on our cognitive abilities & social life. It is one of the worst causes for addiction. but we can overcome it, You abstained 2 years in the past you can do it again ;)
    Hello Friend likes this.

  8. Icarus,

    First of all, get some perspective. You are not causing your parents to fight because of PMO.

    It's true that masturbation leads to a lot of negative momentum, but I don't attribute it to PMO,

    but more to the fact that a person fails at life because they don't have courage.

    The reason guys don't have courage is because they can get the instant gratification from PMO.

    And since the PMO false reward is guaranteed, why take on the tough challenges of life?

    Why bother? I'll live at home, be fat, play with a smart phone, work at a restaurant, and waste my life away.

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