My mind is so fucked up cuz of MO

I hear and feel you... What you shared is the genuine struggle and experience that I believe everyone who has some karmic tendency to be addicted to lust or sex in some form or level will have to go through if they are really serious about transcending the sexual instinct and its relentless compulsion. Everything that you described, you will later see, is part of the bigger picture of necessary learning lessons that needed to be experienced and that helped you to surrender more fully and gave you deeper wisdom and strength, and played an important part in your transcendence.
Everyone seems to have some kind of addiction or thing that will kick their ass as a human being, that they cant seem to get rid of-- drugs, or alcohol, or sex addiction or food, or caffeine, or tobacco, etc. But sex/love addiction seems to perhaps be at the top of the list in terms of difficulty and how deeply rooted it is in the human psyche.
The struggle you share is normal actually (its just not everyone will admit it or articulate it like you did). I believe everyone will for awhile, (perhaps a long while), go back and forth with getting a streak and then relapsing and feeling like shit, and then getting another streak and then falling again-- over and over again. It seems inevitable. Because it isn't like we are just quitting smoking or quitting eating chocolate cake-- in which case we will just go through some temporary withdraw pains, but then after a few weeks it will subside. Overcoming the sexual instinct is like giving up food and just drinking water on some level. Because we are talking about deprogramming our deepest biological software that has been installed in our brain and has been passed on to us genetically for thousands of years.
Honestly, we have to Paradoxically become ok with relapsing and then getting up and trying again-- no matter how many times it happens. Because being liberated from this sexual urge and tendencies isn't entirely in our hands. Its too big of a thing for our mind just to decide to be done with it, especially since the addiction to it is in fact rooted in our mind. We need some greater power than our minds and also some Grace to help with this transcendence. Because left to my own mental power- I am powerless over such a big feat. So we have to let go on some level and be ok with messing up and just stay with this desire to be free of it, and let go of any expectations of when or how it should happen. I had to be willing to say, "Even if I try for my entire life but never become free of this compulsion, its ok, I accept that, but I wont stop trying to be free. Thy will be done". When we truly see and admit with our being that we need help and cant accomplish this with our own human power then a greater power becomes available to help us.

 

Hey yo don't watch P to MO. You can fantasize and MO it is normal but watching P and MO is not cool. It affects your brain specifically your judgemental ability by physically altering your brain. Yep. Thus you are unable to control yourself as you are unable to take a strong decision for yourself. But don't beat yourself up for this . What's done is done. No matter how much you try you can't change the past. So stay strong and start anew when you feel like it . Much love .