My mind is so fucked up cuz of MO

Discussion in 'Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation' started by Nikhil001o, Feb 23, 2021 at 1:53 AM.

  1. Nikhil001o

    Nikhil001o Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys,

    im not new to this room and I started this journey last year April/may 2020 and yeah I tried not to fap for 92 days and it was so fucking hard because I used get this headaches,mood swings and sadness, no interest in doing anything and feeling like so lost ect ect during that streak I found my girl friend and on 93rd day I relapsed with my girl ( relapsed as in we were connected virtually not physically and I insisted her to show her body ) from then I felt like I was cured and I’m back to my normal life cuz my discipline took me to another level eg: - I was cold showering every day
    - excercise every day
    - eat healthy
    - meditation
    - read something before I sleep and so on

    but after 93rd day relapse I was more controlled and once in 30/20/40 days I used get urge and I used MO for once and forget about it but slowly slowly that in increased like once in a week I used to MO and later twice in a few I.e ( 6days NoFap and on 7th day I MO twice ) and after all this some tragedies happened in my life and from then I stopped doing cold shower and excercise and now I think I’m back to my old fucking behaviour that is I can’t sleep if I don’t fap before I sleep, today I’m writing this but yesterday night I couldn’t sleep till 3-4am and I fapped 2-3 times by looking at one couple video (by imagining that’s me and my girl friend) I’ll be 27 this may and I want change, I don’t want to be this guy cuz I don’t want this version of me, I want to become tough,strong and love people and care about my family and support them but I don’t know how and I want my girl to feel happy/proud and lucky about me but this habit of mine is just screwed up my mind and I just don’t think about anything when the urges hit. I want all your support guys please help me by your positive feedback, your struggle stories and experiences and success stories and precautions that will help to control that urges.
     
  2. don0529

    don0529 Fapstronaut

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    I hear and feel you... What you shared is the genuine struggle and experience that I believe everyone who has some karmic tendency to be addicted to lust or sex in some form or level will have to go through if they are really serious about transcending the sexual instinct and its relentless compulsion. Everything that you described, you will later see, is part of the bigger picture of necessary learning lessons that needed to be experienced and that helped you to surrender more fully and gave you deeper wisdom and strength, and played an important part in your transcendence.
    Everyone seems to have some kind of addiction or thing that will kick their ass as a human being, that they cant seem to get rid of-- drugs, or alcohol, or sex addiction or food, or caffeine, or tobacco, etc. But sex/love addiction seems to perhaps be at the top of the list in terms of difficulty and how deeply rooted it is in the human psyche.
    The struggle you share is normal actually (its just not everyone will admit it or articulate it like you did). I believe everyone will for awhile, (perhaps a long while), go back and forth with getting a streak and then relapsing and feeling like shit, and then getting another streak and then falling again-- over and over again. It seems inevitable. Because it isn't like we are just quitting smoking or quitting eating chocolate cake-- in which case we will just go through some temporary withdraw pains, but then after a few weeks it will subside. Overcoming the sexual instinct is like giving up food and just drinking water on some level. Because we are talking about deprogramming our deepest biological software that has been installed in our brain and has been passed on to us genetically for thousands of years.
    Honestly, we have to Paradoxically become ok with relapsing and then getting up and trying again-- no matter how many times it happens. Because being liberated from this sexual urge and tendencies isn't entirely in our hands. Its too big of a thing for our mind just to decide to be done with it, especially since the addiction to it is in fact rooted in our mind. We need some greater power than our minds and also some Grace to help with this transcendence. Because left to my own mental power- I am powerless over such a big feat. So we have to let go on some level and be ok with messing up and just stay with this desire to be free of it, and let go of any expectations of when or how it should happen. I had to be willing to say, "Even if I try for my entire life but never become free of this compulsion, its ok, I accept that, but I wont stop trying to be free. Thy will be done". When we truly see and admit with our being that we need help and cant accomplish this with our own human power then a greater power becomes available to help us.
     
    Nikhil001o likes this.

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