my new twelve step journal.

Well I have decided this is where I want my journal to be since my recovery is the most important thing. Perhaps someone here can benefit from it, seems like there aren't many twelve steppers on here, or very active ones. Also I noticed that many people sought help through SAA or SA or SLAA, while I do NA, which is primarily for drugs. But recall that our drug use or porn use or us of anything in an addictive way is actually just a symptom of a deeper problem, a spiritual problem. I tended to feel empty much of my life, and couldn't seem to figure out how to function properly. I started using drugs, and it quickly spiraled out of control. At age 14 I got locked up in a rehab for my drug use. And I was in and out of jail and rehab for nine years, and it was mostly in. I always masturbated in rehab and jail. I couldn't stop! I was a virgin until i was eighteen so I got made fun of a lot about it, and so that on top of abandonment issues and sexual abuse by my sister at a very young age, and a weird relationship with my mom, led me to seek after sex. I was able to have sex finally, but I tended to get attached too soon to girls. Another symptom there, I still can get too drawn to girls, and my heart is broken easily. Anyway, so I tried to get laid whenever I could, which wasn't often because every time I would have sex I would spiral out of control because I would be so happy I had sex that I would use more drugs and commit crimes and end up in jail again. smh. So I would get out and start watching porn and that feeling would be intense because I hadn't watched it in a while so I would be hooked. It wasn't a matter of willpower it was just that my addiction had me bad. I got a girlfriend and she was a good one, but I was so discontent and so insecure that I took her for granted. I also was jealous. And I basically used her for sex. I took it too far. I played with her emotions alot and broke up with her because I was tooo obsessed with her, but then I got back together with her. Yeah it was bad. Moreso because I just felt so empty inside, and I didn't respect myself, or her, and I just abused sex. And watched porn. Then I got in my last relationship and caused a lot of damage there too. It wasn't sexual, but it just showed me how low I had sunk. I overdosed on drugs around her and ended up breaking my back. It was small thank God, but my back did break. I was just sick. I didn't learn my lesson even then, it wasn't until I wrote my fourth step that I really saw that that was messed up to put someone through all of that. 6 months later I got clean after being completely unable to stop using drugs even on probation when they threatened to throw me in prison! And my charges were bad, on the matrix for prison I would have gotten 7 years, off the top, and probably more because I had violent prior charges and a juvenile record. But I just had to admit complete defeat. Every time I got locked up I would get out and do the same thing. It was either slow or fast, but I always went downhill, and used drugs and that would land me back in jail. So luckily NA came and I went and I made a commitment to work the program. I worked it and it was great, i got a sponsor worked the steps until step 3 but I ended up leaving because I wanted to be a christian. Big mistake, i just felt guilty all of the time, I couldn't find a good church, and it was only once a week anyway, I needed something every day. so i relapsed. It was only a day, but it was enough to straighten me out. It just enlightened me once more about my disease. So i have been back since October 24th 2018. I had been masturbating at least the whole time until recently. I could quit but with no real success. I also watched porn. When I became religious I was able to stop for 3 months, but it was miserable. I knew if I looked at a girl, I would masturbate, so I just had to seclude myself. It was probably a good thing, because we had girls in my rehab and if i wouldn't have been committed to abstinence I probably would have had sex with one of them, and got drawn into that lifestyle, and it would have been game over. So now after the quarantine, and working my 4th and 5th step, I feel like my higher power is helping me quit porn. I don't know about masturbating and real sex, but I don't know too many girls and I don't like masturbating too much either now, so I'm just trying to stop everything for now. And I have. Its been 7 days today officially, but I stopped watching porn even longer ago, so its somewhere in between in reality. But yeah, just thought I'd let you guys know where I am coming from. I couldn't have done it without NA, I have been addressing my issues there, and through step work. We have a great step working guide, and It's mainly important to be honest in the steps. Everything that I have admitted in my steps and told to my sponsor, is being addressed. Something spiritual happens when I work the program. Its like my Higher power is like alright you did that, let me take care of it. But it all about action. Going to meetings, working my steps, calling people, and now posting on Nofap. I can only say that for me I definitely needed my higher power, which is basically God, but not the one from the Bible. The God i have is loving, and caring. In our step working guide it gives alot of guidance about working through negative beliefs about God, and really you can have any Higher power you want. Whatever works and helps you stay clean. So yeah. Hope this helped you out. I am on step six, and I can answer any questions anyone may have about recovery. This is my journal but still. Love y'all Peace

 

I would have to say drugs, because I could not stop at all unless I was sent to jail. But PMO on the other hand is so accessible, that it's harder to stay stopped. Even in jail I used PMO. So really they're both the same, just in different ways.

 

A Higher Power is something that is loving, caring and greater than you. So a lot of people believe in God, or they use the power of the groups, the ocean, time, the earth, the universe, spiritual principles. It usually isn't a person, because they can let you down. Some people have a deceased relative that they use. For me I use God, but not the "send-you-to-hell" God, just a loving God. I don't believe in hell. Hell happens right here on earth when we mess up from our path.
They suggest to pray to whatever is out there. If it's out there it will respond. I had to start out like that. I just said, "God if you're out there, help me." And it honestly took a while, but He actually did answer, after a while of trying it. I would say after like two weeks of trying, if you pray and look for an answer, it's almost guaranteed to appear. It works best when I am honestly trying to be a better person. I can feel my Higher Power better. Also for some reason my Higher Power wants me in NA, anything else I have tried, even Church ended badly. So He just wants me there idk why. But it works out so I don't really mind.

 

It's a little bit of both. I do pray, but also usually I will call someone, or work on my step. Lately for the porn addiction, I joined a challenge and I post on it every day. They said to get a journal so i did. I have been staying active on here. It's weird with the lockdown and all, but regularly they suggest to stay connected. So I go to zoom meetings and call and text people. The urges tend to come if I feel lonely, and I like to isolate, so I have to change that.

 

It's hard to get completely honest about our sexual addiction, but I believe that it is required to gain full freedom from it. But once we have got the freedom, its just a matter of staying on course, and continuing in the steps, and developing ourselves spiritually, which is more about changing our behavior than actually about praying or reading the Bible or something. They say to love God and love your neighbor as you love yourself and then you have already obeyed the greatest commands.

 

Well this is supposed to be my journal, but I have been posting elsewhere and not here. Any ways so I did post on the Super-saiyan challenge about my weird sexual dream that turned me on. I believe its because I was fantasizing last night, and opened that door. Sex and lust and attraction are really weird for me because I don't know whats normal, and I wonder if suppressing my urges completely just makes me become interested in weirder things. It's like how catholic priests or mormons are usually the weirdest in their sexual desires. They like swinging and stuff like that. But you know I won't overthink it too much, I have a bunch of crazy thoughts all the time. I shouldn't be fantasizing, ideally, but this is where the confusion comes in because I don't know what is normal. All I know is I just have to continue on my path and not watch porn or any of that. Honestly my heart is still set on sexual desire, that seems to be what I want most, this time with real women. But in the past having casual sex didn't work at all. I get too emotionally involved! But my insanity tells me that it'll be great. But it won't. Luckily I'm a guy so I would have to be the one to pursue a girl, girls never hit on me. But I am moving soon and theres 2 girls that I wanted to date that live there, and I could have sex with if I wanted to, so I have to be careful. Say a prayer for me because it'll be game over if I have sex with these girls. no bull.