My Nofap journal

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Made it out of yesterday (day 1). Usually my porn options ate limited. My wife is administrator for our account at home (she knows snouty porn issue). No permissions with mobile data. But here on holiday, the wifi has allowed me what I never normally have: unfettered access to main sites. So temptation it huge. At home I have had to make do with thumbnail clips in bing., Or go buy a video from sex shop.
     
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I keep images turned off by default in my web browser. Also, accountability software can be very helpful!

    I am praying for you and cheering you on!
     
    stewiethemad and 70*7 like this.
  3. Thomas More

    Thomas More Fapstronaut

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    Keep strong @70*7! If you are on holiday, then I suppose the challenge would be to find a way to relax without going online? Hope you are enjoying a good break.
     
    70*7 likes this.
  4. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Thanks folks. Back at home again now so immediate temptation gone. Although even though we have settings on our home internet that restrict access to porn, I can still use bing to look at 30 second video previews. Last night I PMOd to that. Hard to completely cancel out porn access. Wife knows about porn issue, so maybe I should ask her to check my phone on daily basis?
     
  5. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    In my accountability software, I have all the image and video search engine pages flagged so any activity on them sends alerts to my APs. It has helped me stay away from these places for a long while now.

    Thing carefully about asking your wife to serve as your AP. This may put her in a role with you that she does not want, i.e., mother/babysitter. Depending on your situation, this can be damaging to the marital relationship.
     
    Mr. McMarty likes this.
  6. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    I feel hopeful today. I am starting to navigate this site a bit better. It was stressing me out on holiday, as it's more complex than I am used to. Hopefully I can fall into a good rythmn with it and get the support and challenge I need. I want to pursue a spiritual director also, to meet with on a semi regular basis. The thought returns to me today that all sexual sin is out of bounds. During my time at CR, I could only imagine withdrawing back across some of the more darker lines I have crossed. I couldn't envisage then giving up masturbation all together, let alone porn. But now I know that the aim us to be free from even looking lustfully at another person. Though this might seem impossible on one level, I have to remember 2 things. 1) God's standards are utterly unblemished and 2) His power to achieve what He desires is entirely mine by the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in me. This has been accomlished by the finished work of Jesus on the cross.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  7. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Tao. In the past my wife was my accountability partner (years ago before CR). It never quite worked actually. I think it's because she was too close to the issue personally. Some at CR suggest the best way forward is to confess everything to your partner. I have to be very careful with this. Presently she knows I use porn and was entirely supportive of me going to CR etc. But she doesn't know about me seeing occasional prostitutes over a period of years and having gay sex with strangers in spas countless times over the last 5 years. If I can make the changes I need to without her knowing this potentially cataclysmic information then I will. The reason things have improved in this darkest of areas over the last year, was that the walls were closing in around me so much at the end of 2018, that I was heading for a breakdown or worse if I didn't improve the situation. CR also helped a lot.
     
  8. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    The Spirit will guide you on how and when to disclose to your spouse. Until then, there are plenty of other options for APs. Your CR group sounds like a good place to start. This forum is another. If you are committed to the process of recovery, you know that it will work for you!
     
    70*7 likes this.
  9. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    I think it's the thought of work on Monday after 2 weeks off, but my mood is so low today. Also, PMO the last 2 nights to YouTube. I don't know if other people have this, but I get really caught up it a kind of OCD date setting in regards to my behaviors. Often I have found myself fitting in a load of sin near the end of the month, somehow thinking that that will help me to be clean from the 1st of the next month!! All very all or nothing. The binge before the dawn type thing. Doesn't help because I end up relying on dates and times to help me stop rather than God.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  10. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    First day back at work. Boy how I struggled today with my mood. Took some of my own advice and spent the day muttering the word 'help' to God inaudibly under my breath. Had big vision meeting I had to lead at work all afternoon. I made it and God came through, but boy am I now rung out. Did not PMO yesterday (day 1 again!). Got to you out again in 20 minutes to have conversation with our new vicar's about worship which I lead once a month. Not much else to say except doing this post has distracted me from watching rude things on YouTube probably. Have a blessed day fapstronauts....
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  11. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Dysthymia. That mild depression that you carry like an extra shadow. Not sure if I have had it for years or not, or is this just life? It's not quite bad enough to need antidepressants, but it's always there. Tears often just below the surface. Trying to look normal so no one will notice. Trying to avoid conversations. Wanting to be on my own but then feeling lonely. Feeling resentful but not quite knowing why. No passion for others need. Holding back from New stuff in case it all turns to shit like last time. Being 48 and still feeling like a little boy lost with a lump in my throat midt days. No wonder porn and prostitutes are so alluring. Anything to relieve the hurt. Been counselling, been CR, been prayed for. As you can tell, having a bad day. Still, no PMO so far.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  12. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Who are you really? You have a feeling in reaction to a false version of your self. You are not actually a little lost boy. But if you do not know who you actually are, it can be impossible to move forward in life. There is One who knows your true name. Spending time with him is how we find out what he thinks of us. That is all that really matters. And, in that knowledge, we can confidently rest and then begin moving ahead in life.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2019
    70*7 likes this.
  13. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    7 days no PM. Go me. Despite (or maybe helped?) by my mood being so low.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  14. Soulherb

    Soulherb Fapstronaut

    Dysthymia...most of my life really. Part of it has been observing the world and traveling through dark valleys; it's hard not to be depressed in a world such as this. The other part has been a work in progress and excellently hinted at by @Tao Jones - finding who you are. It came up in another post in this group, but "Spiritual Depression: It's causes and cures" by D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones was a little treasure given to me by a pastor in passing before the wind took him away. This book will help remind you of who you are, and helped me a ton (and still does at times).
     
  15. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

     
  16. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for that soulherb. I will Amazon that one and read. I do suspect that I have been living most of my life like a bird in a cage that's open. Need to start preaching the gospel to myself every morning: to whom do I belong andbwhat do I believe, which should then influence how I behave...
     
    Tao Jones and Soulherb like this.
  17. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    ...would you believe it? I just went to search for that book you mentioned, and sort of recognized it. It's been on my bedside table under some other books unread, for literally years!
     
    Mr. McMarty and Soulherb like this.
  18. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Looks like God is on the move! We are wise to follow him wherever he leads! I am getting excited about the next chapter of your life that is now unfolding.
     
  19. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Tao, and for your clear dedication to this site and those struggling with PMO.
     
    Tao Jones and Mr. McMarty like this.
  20. 70*7

    70*7 Fapstronaut

    Day 10 no PMO. Few thoughts and a 10 day itch today. But overall ok. This site is helping me want' to stay clean. Trying no to lust after women I see on the street etc even. Nothing clever to say today, just that I am on the road.
     
    mrtumnus and Tao Jones like this.

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