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My NoFap Journey against a transformation fetish

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Buzz Aldrin, Nov 9, 2021.

  1. Buzz Aldrin

    Buzz Aldrin Fapstronaut

    Disclaimer, I’m getting this off my chest and it may or may not cause triggers of some sort so please read this with slight caution.


    Throughout my journey of NoFap I’ve accumulated a handful of terms that I’ve want, have, or wanted to experience. The ones that i would consider are normal for a person are wet dreams and precum. With wet dreams I don’t think I even experienced them till late 2020 & 2021 when I started this path. For some people it’s the only way of ejaculation that they want to experience (besides sex) but for me I think that I’ll change my way of disposal once porn becomes less of an issue. The other thing I mentioned is precum. Once again I don’t think I really experienced it at all, (maybe when I was 13 but at this point it doesn’t matter) i keep reading around about how you produce it when your aroused or pre ejaculation. But I haven’t seen it much, I hope that once I hit a solid number I see result. I’ve also picked up on a couple things that are considered taboo. Both of which throughout my years of reading captions, comics, games, imagining scenarios, and watching videos of a variety of transformations or gender swap. I’ve acknowledged, attempted, and ignored those thing and marked them as being weird while masturbating and using porn frequently (daily or multiple times daily). I can only remember a couple of times where I wanted to feel stimulation similar to a female orgasm so I try prostate via fingers on the inside. The other time I tried nipple stimulation mimicking the techniques I would see in porn. Both had the same result, the only thing I felt from it was pain & a feeling of “I’m never doing this again”. But flash forward to the beginning of 2021 my body was desperate for some kind of hit of dopamine, so i first tried prostate stimulation, and it was like finding another drug. So I read on it, looked at techniques, house hold items and other ways I could manage to have the heavenly orgasm that others claimed, similar to a woman’s orgasm using the males “g spot”. Fortunately I haven’t continued to go more extreme stuff like going inside or buying sex toys. I do fear that if I am to continue down the spiral of attempting to get a “super o” I’ll escalate to that. Simultaneously I was also trying to get another kind of orgasm via nipple stimulation.

    Again I was searching the web for techniques to get a more “explosive” orgasm from anything non penis related. Something similar to a woman’s orgasm. At this point if I was looking at pornography it has escalated to femboy or new half (someone that’s in the transition of male to female phase but the term is primarily used in Japan) stuff originally my cause was because they were “mid transformation” but just turned into regularly looking at it and wanting to be in the situation of being the woman or the person being dominated. But the main thing is that I’ve purely done it for the sake of feeling a woman’s perspective. Me personally I’m not gay, nor do I question myself being gay. But at this point I feel that the roots purely for sexual reasons. Now it’s currently November 8th, 2021. I would say that hopefully the roots of wanting to achieve (at what I feel is) the impossible of a orgasm via non penile stimulation will eventually be pulled by withdrawing from pornography and masturbation all together. But because this whole situation is kind of taboo in some sort searching the stuff up online discussing about having an addiction involving it just leads to results of temptation, saying that it’s the next best thing since sliced bread.

    While typing this I thought a little more in depth about how I got into this situation in the first place, I'm not discussing the first time I jerked off. No it's about the time I got into gender swapping in general, Back in 2014 FNAF had just gotten popular and like the internet does best they turned it into porn. Since it was fresh on my mind I looked for porn of the game. But fortunately young me knew what's best with majority of results being gay I kept digging. Eventually I found a female version of the character Foxy, so I started adding the key word "female" to the majority of my searches. Although at the time the amount of results were slim it kept me happy. Then I expanded with genderswapping stories and captions of characters or on hentai and such. Slowly but surely I escalated to porn games where I started as a male, transformed myself to the opposite gender as quick as possible and let pixels go to town on my character. Hell I was getting a hit of arousal from even thinking about a character that fit the "position" I won't go into specifics but I hope to leave him in the darkest corner of my brain where he can keep himself busy. Kudos for my past self playing fully through the (with how far he can go at least) game I think in one night while having an pmoing binge fest.

    One thing that may be taken in mind is because of my previous decisions I have a problem with what's called Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In short it's a newer type of OCD involving your sexuality, say being straight and worrying that your gay or the other way around. Romantically I don't have a problem with this, I recap my past and similar to other sorts of pornography. A lot of things that I looked at didn't really involve any sort of romantic theme. If it did chances are that the quantity of it was 9 : 1 for sexual vs romantic. However I would say sexually I have a major case of HOCD, with constant unwanted thoughts of gay sex or wanting to be in the receivers perspective. It's been an occurring theme for me throughout the year potentially because the thoughts have been enforced with the taboo ways of stimulation & looking at porn simultaneously. But with time I'll eventually reach a point where I'm back to how I originally was with this stuff, seeing it as something that's painful & un needed to do when you have ol reliable.

    If you made it this far thank you for reading my story. The reason of this post is because I’m licking my wounds because of prostate edging attempting to achieve a mo. But a snap back to reality made me think about my journey till now. I hope I can continue rewiring my brain. But for now it’s back to schoolwork and a sore prostate.
     
    TGAguy likes this.
  2. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    Hey man I struggled with many similar cravings for being sexually feminine (through captions, roulettes, rp, games, etc.), trying to orgasm from prostate stimulation, and doubts about my sexuality/gender.

    Check out my story here: Am I a Sissy?? (Actually a good story with happy ending, trust me, read the whole thing)

    Let me know if you want to talk.
     
  3. Dr.J_76ers

    Dr.J_76ers Fapstronaut

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    Your story hits home. It really does. I've watched sissy porn and tried out anal stuff. I had HOCD in 2020, but its mostly gone now. I think the thing with that is it just takes time, and the less 'fetish' activities you involve yourself in, the less time it'll take for it go away.
    Modernstore99 is like a older version of us, so read his story if you haven't already, it's really encouraging.
    But in general, just know that in order to find our true selves (our identities), we need to remove the effects of porn, especially the sissy sh*t, on our brains. Tbh I don't think sissy porn is for anybody, not for us, not for transwomen, not for other guys. It has misogynistic and self-esteem lowering ideas in its content that just shouldn't have a place in people's minds.
     
    modernstore99 likes this.

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