MY OFFICIAL REBOOT( the beginning of the end )

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rock_Star, Mar 31, 2018.

  1. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 243
    Today I got mad. I was at work and my coworker called me to add more work to my schedule cause the other guy and the manager messed up. it was so infuriating. you know the kinda mad where your calm but you can feel the anger inside you. yeah it was that. it took me a long time to calm down and figure out why I was mad. it's because I'm nice. I help out and give more than I probably should sometimes, and people take advantage of that. so today I'm not taking it anymore. I will still be a nice guy but I'm not letting people take advantage of my generosity. I'm done, the foot has dropped. I've been giving way to much of myself for way to many years. I need to redirect my focus back on the people and things I think are important. like my wife, my kids, my hobbies. I'm working at a place I dont want to be at, dealing with people I dont like, so that I can provide for the people I love. I need to focus on working towards my goals or I know I'm going to turn into a miserable old man.
     
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  2. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 244
    kenzi and I watched scar face today. it was ok. I'd never seen it before and it left me feeling sad.
    That a guy like Tony who'd been kicked around and drug through the dirt, lost everything he'd worked so hard to achieve. he lost it all because of his addiction. I don't know maybe it's the recovering addict in me, but I was kinda hoping he'd come out on top. not face down in a pool of his own blood.

    kenzi and I have been sick today. I'm trying really hard but I've been having a hard day. I've been man flu. I've been tired and sore all day and I've been fighting my urges to just lay on the couch and sleep all day. we made sugar cookies with the kids and made a big mess and kenzi kept having to ask me to help her multiple times just for me to move. I've been short and impatient. my phone alarm went off this morning and I hit it to try and turn off the snooze. its been a rough day.
    I still did my homework though. these last few days I've been writing letters. first thank you letters and now goodbye letters. I had to thank my addiction, then say goodbye. I had to thank my victim side and then say goodbye. I wonder what part of me I'm going to write a letter to tomorrow.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2018
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  3. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 246
    Kenzi and I have been fighting. these last couple days have been really hard. we've both hurt each other really bad. we talked a lot last night. about how she felt, about how I felt, about how we're going to move past our hurt. it's been very difficult. I know I can be insensitive to kenzi and her feelings. I know I get closed off when I'm hurting. eventually I realized it's not about how kenzi hurt me. it's about how I need to be able to be there for her. even when I'm hurting. it's not that my pain isnt valid or ok to feel, but I cant let it keep me from being there for kenzi. today we're doing better. I called in sick to work (cough cough) to be able to spend the day with my kids and family on our day of celebration. happy yule to everyone. I hope today brings you great peace and joy as the days expand into new beginnings.
     
  4. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 247
    Today was a good day. I still haven't done my homework but I think today was still good. kenzi and I are going to reestablish our relationship currency tonight, and I have more letters to write. I'm super excited for Christmas in a couple days. I got kenzi some really great presents this year. I'm not going to say what but I'm really proud of them. in the past I was always a real jerk about getting her gifts. like I would point stuff out while we were shopping and tell her she should get that now cause it's what I'm going to get her for her birthday or Christmas. which is stupid cause when we first started dating I was really good at getting her gifts. you know just little things I would see or big things I knew she wanted. then somewhere i became a jerk and just stopped caring, but this year I want to show her I can still be that sensitive guy who thinks about her.
     
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  5. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 249
    Merry Christmas eve. today has started out just great...
    first I wake up grumpy cause all i want to do on my off is sleep in, but do I get to do that? no. then my kid throws a 2 hour temper tantrum cause she didnt get her way this morning. granted she is sick but still that no excuse to throw a fit for 2 hours. now kenzi and I are fighting cause I have no patients. I was trying to be helpful and pull the curtains in the living room open and I was using something that had the potential to ruin the curtain. kenzi snapped at me and I snapped back cause I was only trying to be helpful. I get how important the curtains are to her, but in the moment I was upset cause I felt like she didnt trust my judgement. it's all been just shit and today has sucked so far. I dont want to ruin Christmas again. I want to have a good holiday. we've talked and we're going to try again. I've apologized for being a grumpy ass and we're going to go make breakfast. I'm not going to ruin Christmas it's going to be great.
     
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  6. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 248
    Merry Christmas. it was a nice Christmas morning. I got kenzi the best Christmas present. It made her cry happy tears. the kids were super happy with their gifts and I was really happy with just being able to enjoy the joy this year. I use to be really distant and selfish during the holidays, only caring about my gifts, but not this year. this year is the best Christmas i've been able to have. I like the new me and dont want to go back to the way I use to be. idk why I ever felt like I needed to keep from being loved.
     
  7. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 251
    I haven't done my homework yet. I'm going to do it tonight. I also still need to do my daily's, but I'm going do them tonight too. Tonight though we're going to watch a scary movie. :eek: I'm not a big fan of scary movies. wish me luck.
     
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  8. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    Oh yeah, I totally identify with this feeling of frustration. Trying to help out, and then getting scolded or criticized for it is a double whammy.

    I would often tell my wife/STBXW “You can let me do it my way, or you can do it yourself. You’re not allowed to ask me to do something and then tell me how it needs to be done.” For what it’s worth, that never really worked, so I don’t have any answers for you, only empathy.

    Fun side note, my daughters and I all love “Tangled”. I love that you and Kenzi use those characters as your pictures.

    Keep up the hard work. The struggle is real, but I still believe it’s all worth it.
     
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  9. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Try wearing a blindfold. I would. ;)
     
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  10. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 252
    So this morning I was talking to kenzi and I mentioned something that made her feel like I desire her. later she sent me a text telling me she appreciated what I had said. I read it and thought it was really nice. a couple hours later I get another text saying "what am I, chopped liver?" I didnt even think to acknowledge her text cause I thought it was just meant for me to see that she noticed my efforts. she wanted acknowledgment. I told her I was sorry and that I will work on being more mindful of when she needs acknowledgment too. it's a two way street you know. I just think its important cause it's the type of moment where in the past I would have gotten defensive, and tried to justify why I ignored her text. today I didnt, i took responsibility for not responding and tried to understand how it made her feel.
    today my homework is to write a letter to the wall. it's kinda like marathon runners have. a imaginary wall that you hit that keeps you from moving forward, but in the case of the IA it's a wall to protect you from people getting close to you. people can see you and hear you but they cant touch you. it's the IA's responsibility to breakdown the wall to allow people into his/her life. you have to push past it not give up once you've hit it.
     
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  11. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    What’s IA stand for? I assume it’s and “Addict” of some sort, but I can’t figute out the “I”.
     
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  12. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Intimacy Anorexia, IA, I believe.
     
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  13. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    yep its intimacy anorexia. it's a program by dr Doug Weiss. if you go todrdougweiss.com he has a whole bunch of information on it. theres aquestionnaire to take to see if you have IA, or symptoms of IA. it's been the mosthelpful thing I've done for my recovery so far. that in combination with reading drJohn Gottman I've seen a lot of progress
     
  14. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 253
    Today has been, something... I'm not really sure how to feel or what I'm feeling. I know I snapped and yelled out of frustration. I tried to approach kenzi and was met with a what do you want... it was very disheartening. I said I just want to be close to you. I've felt like we haven't been connecting very well today. sex last night was frustrating to say the least, and then this morning wasn't fun either. kenzi had woken up grumpy and I tried to be sympathetic and give her a little space. after she had her coffee she seemed better and we settled on the couch to watch a cute mini series called "Watershipdown". I felt like we cuddled on the couch but i guess she didn't. after that the distance kept growing between us. I did the dishes and cleaned around the house and tried to talked to kenzi while I was but she didnt seem very engaged. I dont think I was focusing enough on our conversations though either. I invited her to come down to the garage with me while I cleaned it cause I knew I had to get that done today. I only got about half of what I wanted to get done though. So not much connecting happening today. kenzi did wear this super sexy low cut V neck that I did notice but failed to vocalize. I'm really sad now cause i just want to hold her and her to smile at me, but I feel like I've pushed her away and now she closed herself off to me.
    tonight my homework is to write another letter. this is the last letter I'm suppose to write. this one is to the back door. theres no way out of this fun house except through the front door once I've graduated. I'm going out that front door and I'm going to hold my diploma high in the sky proud in the knowledge that I am an addict but now I have the tools and the know how to not let it control who I am.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2018
  15. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    I’m familiar with Gottman, I’ll check our Doug Weiss, thanks!
     
  16. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 254
    I had a IA relapse. I was busy, I used anger and silence and blamed. I was not a good husband. yesterday I had to do a consequence. I had to go all day without lunch or snacks, and I had to work a long day. I didnt get home till 9:30 last night. so today I'm exhausted and pooped and I still have to go to work today. I hope that my workload is easy today.
     
  17. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 255
    So my homework last night was step 2, give myself over to a higher power. This I just can not accept. I'm not religious person. I dont judge people who are, but I want to say why I dont believe. first I'm not afraid of dying. I feel like their are a lot of people who are scared and that's why they believe. which brings me to my next thought, and this only applies to the Christian faith, but why should I have to except jesus into my heart to go to heaven. I feel like that's a mean thing to say, and very judgmental. its them saying that unless I do things you're way I'm damned to a life/afterlife of suffering. I believe that people should be more humanly. we need to be there for each other and not because of fear or a God tells us to. if we can find it in us to be better humans, the kind who are understanding and caring to each, the world would be a better place. to be truly god like is to care about others just because, not because of some deity. so I guess that's my higher power. humanity and the hope that one day we can all be understanding and caring to one another.
     
  18. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    A higher power isn’t about god. For me higher power are forces of nature, the universe everything that is greater and beyond myself. So for me as an atheist, it’s the forces that may be! I hope this helps.
     
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  19. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I agree with you @Rock_Star , I'm not religious at all either. I tend to look at higher power the same way as Jennica, more like universal energy , after all , all matter , all of life when it's broken down is just energy!
     
  20. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 257
    My homework last night was to list the "bad" rockstar. qualities about myself that I show others and ways I show them. I thought this was a very difficult task for me, because I try so hard to hide all my negative traits from the world. after talking to kenzi for a while though she pointed out a few things. one thing i do is i am defiant. I dislike authority and try to push the boundaries when it come to rules. yeah she just kinda threw t huh lose in my face. I was all like yep thats me. it's weird how you dont see these negative qualities in yourself until someone points them out to you. I do t know if I'm ever going to stop being defiant or quit challenging authority. it's a part of my character I find endearing. the ability to ask why or say no I'm not a sheeple is important. there are things I can improve though, like how I project those characteristics or how I react when situations arise that I respond with those characteristics.
     

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