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My PA Story

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by AGSTX, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. AGSTX

    AGSTX Fapstronaut

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    Hi all, I'm new and figured I'd start off with a post telling others about my PA. I'm in a long-term relationship and we're engaged, but my PA is ruining our romantic life and hurting her emotionally. I'd do anything to overcome my addiction and have a normal sex life with the person I love more than anything else in the world. I'm currently seeing a counselor, but that isn't really doing much, so here I am hoping I can get help from peers going through the same struggle.

    I guess it goes back to a young age, starting in my early teens when I found porn and learned how to masturbate. In those days it was Playboy and Penthouse Forum, typical kind of stuff for a teenager to think was hardcore taboo pornography. When I turned 18 I started hitting the porn shops and learned what hardcore porn really was. I had three different rental accounts across town and I'd surf the rental tapes for as much as an hour trying to select something just right. You know how it goes, look at the cover until you see something hard enough to make you want to rent it, then keep looking for something else that might be even better. I'd return a tape and rent another just about every time. This went on for about 5 years until I had a fast enough internet connection to discover internet porn. That really opened up a whole new world and again reset my marker for what hardcore really was.

    I was always awkward with others having clinical depression and anxiety since the age of 11. I never had a relationship during school years, I never could even talk to a female until I was 19, and that was someone I met over the internet. I lost my virginity at 19, but couldn't orgasm with my partner no matter what. In the 19 years since my first sexual encounter I've only had an orgasm without porn twice. Twice. Once after having sex for well over an hour and the other with the my fiance using a fake vagina on me. Until my fiance and I started being intimate and she allowed me to look at porn on my phone, that one time in 2011 during sex was the singular orgasm I have had with a partner even though I have had several sexual partners in that time. My fiance let me look at porn on my phone so that I could orgasm, but when she figured out that I couldn't finish without it, she realized I had a problem and it hurt her to think that she wasn't giving me the orgasm, it was the porn.

    I really did something stupid and incredibly hurtful a few weeks ago. My counselor suggested I take some sexy photos of her and replace porn with those photos. Well, she reluctantly agreed. That same evening I asked her if I could look at the photos I took on my phone while we were being intimate. She agreed and I did just that, but I was still yearning for the visual stimulation of explicit porn, so I opened Twitter and searched for porn on there while going back and forth between her photos and the porn. I did this twice without her knowing and she thought that I was using her photos exclusively to get off, and I let her think that. She caught me the third time. She could see a moving video when I only took stills of her. She questioned me and I denied it, even asking her if she was "really that insecure." After about 10 minutes I came clean and she was devastated. I felt so ashamed, so selfish, so stupid.

    This addiction to porn has nearly ended our relationship several times and I don't want to lose the love of my life. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't want her thinking she isn't attractive, that she's not enough for me. I just want a normal sex life free of a dependence on porn.

    If you've read all of this, I thank you. I feel like I need to come clean to the whole world because it's always been such a deep, dark secret that I told nobody about until sharing this with my fiance.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019
  2. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links toget you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button | DayCounter| Rebooting Resources | Forum Rules |Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

    Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
     
    AGSTX likes this.
  3. AGSTX

    AGSTX Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! I'll check out all your posted resources, they are appreciated.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Homelander

    Homelander Fapstronaut

    Hey dude,

    I'm also a newbie here, but not a newbie when it comes to PA.
    You made an important step by seeking help with your PA, trusting your partner with this and writing your story here.
    Never forget that your intentions are very good and that you only care about making your partner and yourself happy.
    The good news is that you are almost there, the bad news is that you have to pay a big price.
    The price is that you must never watch porn and masturbate from this day on.
    You should include your partner into the hard method and inform her that it's all or nothing.
    Your 90 days will start now and if you slip, just get back on the saddle and restart. You only fail if you quit, don't quit!

    My sexlife with my wife is currently 0, so its more easy for me to do the 90 days no porn, masturbation and sex, but you might
    decide to include normal sex if this works for you. But absolutely NO pron and masturbation from now on.
     
    AGSTX likes this.
  5. Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. You can change. You can become the man that your fiancé deserves. It will take a lot of effort on your part. It won’t be fun, but I sense that you’re up to the task. What is the longest you’ve been able to go without viewing P?
     
    AGSTX likes this.
  6. AGSTX

    AGSTX Fapstronaut

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    I've gone as long as a month before.
     
    Jefe Rojo and Deleted Account like this.
  7. greborn11

    greborn11 Fapstronaut

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    Hi. I just have to say that I had to quick read through some of your parts because they were a bit too detailed for my liking, I think some of us don't need to know the specifics of what type of porn you watched but at least I recognized the trigger potential and reacted accordingly. Anyway, I got the gist of your story. Bottom line - on any timeline of porn addiction that isn't fixed, it will kill any relationship. You've already had problems multiple times, take those as warnings. I honestly can't believe your counselor would suggest that, despicable. Like a psychiatrist I had, your counselor is trying to "patch" the problem without seeking to help you resolve the underlying issue(s). You need to do some serious soul-searching. I would recommend abstaining for awhile, at least 2 weeks. Let your partner know of your intentions, and if you are honest with her, and she is willing to help you through this, I would recommend not going through it alone. Not all women are understanding about this though, and they might consider it to be "your problem" that you need to fix, by yourself. Unfortunately, addictions thrive in privacy and secrecy. I'm not sure if going it alone is the best route in your case, but if that's the way it has to be, you must be prepared for that scenario.
     
    AGSTX likes this.
  8. AGSTX

    AGSTX Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the advice. I edited accordingly.
     

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