My Past

Hello everyone!
I am an 18-year-old Indian male. I am presently studying at one of the elite
engineering colleges in my country.
I have changed for worse through all of the time that I have been into it. I have not been performing well at various spheres of life which I could have performed well at because of this addiction. So, here I am, back after nearly two years to this platform. From now onwards, I'd like to really give up pornography, masturbation as well as orgasm until I am able to be my actual self.

In this thread, I would like to write all I can about me and my past. So, here comes my first post.

Warning: Please do not read ahead if any of you start feeling aroused by a mere mention of the past experiences of a person. I have no intention to trigger any of you. I shall not be accountable if you relapse because of this post of mine.

It all began some 10-11 years ago. Although I think I have always felt somewhat attracted to women, or females as I should say, from time immemorial, things got changed drastically after an incident which happened then.

I used to live with my grandparents, and not with my parents back then. I usually used to sleep early by 9 to 9:30 PM and woke up at around 5 to 6 AM. So, at that time, one night, I couldn't fall asleep. So, I was just lying on the bed under the blanket with my eyes open, thinking some random things.

After a few minutes, my grandma came in the adjacent room and turned on the light. She was unaware that I wasn't asleep and she didn't see my open eyes because my room was dark. Soon, she started undressing so that she could change into her nightie. She undraped her saree and unhooked her blouse. Then, she went to the bathroom and by the time she came out of it, she had removed her bra. She was topless, just in her petticoat. As a matter of fact, I have always liked breasts. Maybe that is just because how we males are. Maybe it's only natural for straight males to be attracted to females, and also maybe their breasts. However, I didn't sexualize them just then.

What came to me as a shock was that when she came back, my grandfather was already in that room. Although he wasn't in my sight, from the voices of their conversation, it became pretty sure that he is in the same room, right in front of my grandma; able to see her in that state. I belong from a conservative background. Right from my very childhood, all the adults, especially females, have been very conscious about not being seen by anyone else, when naked. Even till date, no one in my family has ever talked to me about anything that has to do with sex, relationships etc.

So, that situation was a revelation for 8 or 9-year-old me. My grandmother was absolutely comfortable being naked in front of my grandfather, and she didn't object to him seeing her naked. I don't know why, but it triggered me to a great extent. I got very aroused seeing that my grandma is allowing my grandfather to see her naked.

What happened next was something which still astounds me. I moved my hand right to into my pajamas, near the groin. Then I started rubbing my penis in a circular motion. And I don't know what made me do that. I was just 8 or 9-years-old. I had never ever seen any pornographic material ever in my life. I didn't know a thing about masturbation, and yet I was rubbing my penis gently and was obtaining pleasure from it. Not much later, I had my first orgasm. Although I didn't ejaculate back then, I cannot describe the pleasure that I felt at that time. It seemed to me the best feeling that I had ever experienced till then.

To be very honest, I really regret having faced that situation and also to not have dealt with it in a more responsible manner. I regret sexualizing that moment. I regret beginning this dreadful journey into the field of pornography at such a tender age. An age in which I could not understand a thing.
I also feel that things would have had been much better had my family been more open to talking about all of this. I may not have felt the same way when I encountered this situation in that scenario. I could have talked to my family members about that incident and they would have given me the right guidance. But unfortunately, none of that happened because of old-fashioned thinking and beliefs.

Something else that I really feel very bad about is that my family came to know about me surfing pornographic content not much later. However, none of them confronted me directly. They only said things to me in a very vague manner. They weren't there at that time to listen to me without judging me. And it's still the same now as well. I have actually wanted many times to strike up a conversation with them and confront them about my addiction. But the conservative mindset has always come up in between. I have always been very afraid, thinking what they might end up doing if I confess directly to them.

And hence, from this incident, began my dreadful journey into the world of pornography, and things and activities associated with it.

For all those who have read this post: Please say whatever you might have felt after reading this post. It doesn't have to be good - just say whatever you actually felt. In case you felt nothing, say even then.

And just one more thing, I feel quite lonely at times. I have very few friends and I am not much social. Hence, through the means of this platform, I'd really love to interact with at least a few people - especially females. I would like to get over my anxiety and the awkwardness that I feel towards females. And I think that having proper conversation with them will help me develop a better mindset and attitude. Maybe then I'd be able to improve the way I think about them, and eventually become a better human being.

Thanks for reading!