My past

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by guyfromtx, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. guyfromtx

    guyfromtx Fapstronaut

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    Here we go, this will be a long one.

    I have been an addict for 13 years, never making it more than a few days without PMO. Despite this I still believed in no sex before marriage (talk for another day). Four years ago I met a girl who happened to be my first girlfriend ever, I was 22 going on 23, and despite many red flags I asked her to marry me.

    The red flags continued but it was ultimately my PMO addiction that caused her to finally dump me 12 days before the wedding. Enough about her though, this was just to set the scene.

    I was less than two weeks away from having sex for the first time (although marrying her she may have held out, but that's a talk for another day). Already having my PMO problem and being so close then denied didn't sit well with me. A few months later I met a girl online and we hung out and then it happened. We made out and I saw her tits, she touched me, it was all new and I was overwhelmed. The next day or so I had my first sexual contact. The part of me that still believed in no sex before marriage told me as long as I don't have intercourse I'm good.

    Well afterward, overwhelmed with guilt, I ended things with her. I hated myself. Then I found another girl online, she was different she was innocent. She was someone I should be dating. There was one problem, I didn't want to date I just wanted to skip to the end. Somehow I convinced her we should make out on the first date. I told her something about having an instant connection or something, I really don't remember. She had never done that before and had little kissing experience. As she put it, I awakened something in her.

    Everything quickly escalated, we went from slightly handsy to taking clothes off, to hand stuff. I manipulated her, I never forced anything. I hate myself and don't want her to forgive me, I don't deserve it. This relationship is my biggest regret in my entire life. A sweet, innocent girl should never have done those things or seen those things outside of marriage. I hate myself, I cannot overstate how much I genuinely hate myself for that.

    That's how my life was for the next three years or so. I would find a girl and hope we could do hand or mouth stuff because that didn't count as sex. Eventually I did it, I crossed the line. Each time I would wake up and realize it was wrong, I ended things with one girl only to do the same thing with another.

    Because of PMO addiction I could only see women as objects of lust, something to be played with, something to have sex with.

    It was just a month ago that I truly woke up and asked "what the hell am I doing?" I wanted to change for real this time. My friends can't help me, they live too far away and have their own lives to worry about. I figured this forum was the right place to be. So far I'm right, I don't think in 13 years I've ever gone a month without release.

    Here's to a better life.
     
  2. GEAT JOB MY FRIEND. first thing i would tell you is to forgive yourself. i know its hard. if i told you the things that i have done you would wonder how im even still alive. this addiction turns us into someone we are NOT simple because our brain and chemical are telling us too. it comes down to self-control and discipline. most importantly you have to have a WHY. why do you want to change your life and stop PMO you have to have a solid reason and understand that you can't do it alone. youll need the help of this amazing community and a deep search within yourself. your a good guy i can tell . if you feel guilt or shame then clearly its an act that is not part of your nature. learn. forgive yourself and grow.
     

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