D
Deleted Account
Guest
As the title states, I suffer from penis/performance anxiety, which continues to fuel my porn viewing habits. For the past year, I have been attempting to stop watching porn, but with no avail. As I become older, I find myself being seen as a viable option for potential partners (sorry for sounding so scientific and awkward here), which is a completely new concept to me, as I have always been seen as unappealing and awkward to women. This turn of events has given me a bit confidence, which only helped me find more potential partners. Unfortunately, this ‘glow up” has come at a time in my life where I am more interested in sex than a short or long-term relationship. This need is more so to understand myself (in terms of my sexuality) than satisfying the urge to lose my virginity or to finally know what sex feels like. For the past two and a half years, I have been struggling to understand what it is that I am sexually. As of now, I feel that I could be asexual, as I do not have the urge to have sex, but I feel that this is complicated by the fact that I do become aroused by porn. Another thing that complicates my inner struggle with my sexuality is my penis anxiety, which could be the reason why I cannot find sex to be something that is smart option for me to do.
I keep trying to restart NoFap, but it is this underlying issue plagues me everywhere that I go. I do fine for a few weeks and start having more energy as a result. The increase in energy leads to more confidence, which gives me the chance to talk to more women. Then, when it is time to become more intimate, that self destructive part of myself reminds me of what I have below my waist. It creates hypothetical scenarios where I fail to satisfy. I just don't know how to. Every time I think about it, I feel pathetic and worthless. I don't feel like a true man because of it, and it kills me. I feel really, really immature about feeling this way, but I cannot help it. I can't repress or suppress these feelings for much longer. Almost 10 years of hoping that fate would just have it in my favor and give me a few more inches to work with. There are days that I wish that I was completely devoid of being romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, so I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore.
The reason why I am finally writing this is because of a special woman that I had met recently. I will try not to go into the sappy details about how much I have found myself becoming more infatuated with her, as I am pretty sure many of you have already been where I currently am, but I am 100% certain that I will fail. One of the first things that I had noticed about her was how intimate she is. The second day after meeting each other, we were holding hands, sharing ice cream, and cuddling in our downtime. This is the first time that I have been this affectionate with anyone, and I completely love it. I am usually a quite reserved and emotionally unavailable person, but she brought out feelings in me that I never thought that I had (I knew that I would get sappy). While I enjoy the relationship that we have, it startles me at the speed that we are going. I have been thinking of a way for me to tell her, but even the thought of it makes me shutter. I am afraid that telling her about my insecurity because it will probably make her think that I am not confident enough, which was one of the things that she said that she liked about me when we had first met (go figure). Feeling like this is slowly eating away at me. It always has, but now it has tripled in intensity. I just don't want to disappoint her when (or if) the time comes.
Currently, it is 2 o’clock in the morning. I am sitting here in front of my monitor thinking the worst of and about myself. I am thinking about if I am worthy of dating her and if I can sexually satisfy her or anyone else for that matter. I wonder if there is one last chance for my body to grow, so that this anxiety can be all behind me. As of now, I am 20 years old. My birthday is next month, so I might as well jump to 21. I have been doing a lot of research on this and I have found that I may just have a stroke of luck (and genetics) to grow a couple of inches in size. If so, I would be in the 7-8-inch range, which I would do almost anything within reason to obtain. I have thought heavily about waiting until 23 or 24 until I can be certain that my body is done growing before I even think about involving myself with any kind of sexual activity.
It is moments like these when I find myself reaching for my phone or the mouse and keyboard to find a temporary solace in porn. Porn used to be way for me to let out my sexual frustrations, but now the tide has turned, and I find myself using it as a drug, and like all drugs, the high is temporary, but the misery is long lasting. It is hard to stop watching it, as I have been watching it almost every day for the past 3 years. I tried cold turkey and failed. I tried deescalating and failed. I truly want to quit, but it isn’t just having the willpower to stop. This is about confronting the part of me that I hate the most and accepting it, but how can I accept the size of my penis, when it is not mine to accept? I constantly think about the day that I finally bare myself in front of the person that I choose to have sex with for the first time. I wonder what they would do or say. I wonder if they would go along with it because they don’t know how to reject me in the kindest way possible or because they pity me.
Sex is the great unknown that I find myself simultaneously complexed and terrified of. My impression of sex and intimacy has been purely based on porn, social media, and the people who I surround myself with, none of which are the educational or comforting sources to familiarize myself with this issue that I struggle with.
I would appreciate all of the feedback and recommendations, as anything is better than nothing. This was a tough matter to post, but I am glad that I did because I need this help. I am also writing this on the off chance that someone like me is struggling with these issues as well. Hope to hear from you guys soon!
I keep trying to restart NoFap, but it is this underlying issue plagues me everywhere that I go. I do fine for a few weeks and start having more energy as a result. The increase in energy leads to more confidence, which gives me the chance to talk to more women. Then, when it is time to become more intimate, that self destructive part of myself reminds me of what I have below my waist. It creates hypothetical scenarios where I fail to satisfy. I just don't know how to. Every time I think about it, I feel pathetic and worthless. I don't feel like a true man because of it, and it kills me. I feel really, really immature about feeling this way, but I cannot help it. I can't repress or suppress these feelings for much longer. Almost 10 years of hoping that fate would just have it in my favor and give me a few more inches to work with. There are days that I wish that I was completely devoid of being romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, so I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore.
The reason why I am finally writing this is because of a special woman that I had met recently. I will try not to go into the sappy details about how much I have found myself becoming more infatuated with her, as I am pretty sure many of you have already been where I currently am, but I am 100% certain that I will fail. One of the first things that I had noticed about her was how intimate she is. The second day after meeting each other, we were holding hands, sharing ice cream, and cuddling in our downtime. This is the first time that I have been this affectionate with anyone, and I completely love it. I am usually a quite reserved and emotionally unavailable person, but she brought out feelings in me that I never thought that I had (I knew that I would get sappy). While I enjoy the relationship that we have, it startles me at the speed that we are going. I have been thinking of a way for me to tell her, but even the thought of it makes me shutter. I am afraid that telling her about my insecurity because it will probably make her think that I am not confident enough, which was one of the things that she said that she liked about me when we had first met (go figure). Feeling like this is slowly eating away at me. It always has, but now it has tripled in intensity. I just don't want to disappoint her when (or if) the time comes.
Currently, it is 2 o’clock in the morning. I am sitting here in front of my monitor thinking the worst of and about myself. I am thinking about if I am worthy of dating her and if I can sexually satisfy her or anyone else for that matter. I wonder if there is one last chance for my body to grow, so that this anxiety can be all behind me. As of now, I am 20 years old. My birthday is next month, so I might as well jump to 21. I have been doing a lot of research on this and I have found that I may just have a stroke of luck (and genetics) to grow a couple of inches in size. If so, I would be in the 7-8-inch range, which I would do almost anything within reason to obtain. I have thought heavily about waiting until 23 or 24 until I can be certain that my body is done growing before I even think about involving myself with any kind of sexual activity.
It is moments like these when I find myself reaching for my phone or the mouse and keyboard to find a temporary solace in porn. Porn used to be way for me to let out my sexual frustrations, but now the tide has turned, and I find myself using it as a drug, and like all drugs, the high is temporary, but the misery is long lasting. It is hard to stop watching it, as I have been watching it almost every day for the past 3 years. I tried cold turkey and failed. I tried deescalating and failed. I truly want to quit, but it isn’t just having the willpower to stop. This is about confronting the part of me that I hate the most and accepting it, but how can I accept the size of my penis, when it is not mine to accept? I constantly think about the day that I finally bare myself in front of the person that I choose to have sex with for the first time. I wonder what they would do or say. I wonder if they would go along with it because they don’t know how to reject me in the kindest way possible or because they pity me.
Sex is the great unknown that I find myself simultaneously complexed and terrified of. My impression of sex and intimacy has been purely based on porn, social media, and the people who I surround myself with, none of which are the educational or comforting sources to familiarize myself with this issue that I struggle with.
I would appreciate all of the feedback and recommendations, as anything is better than nothing. This was a tough matter to post, but I am glad that I did because I need this help. I am also writing this on the off chance that someone like me is struggling with these issues as well. Hope to hear from you guys soon!