As the title states, I suffer from penis/performance anxiety, which continues to fuel my porn viewing habits. For the past year, I have been attempting to stop watching porn, but with no avail. As I become older, I find myself being seen as a viable option for potential partners (sorry for sounding so scientific and awkward here), which is a completely new concept to me, as I have always been seen as unappealing and awkward to women. This turn of events has given me a bit confidence, which only helped me find more potential partners. Unfortunately, this ‘glow up” has come at a time in my life where I am more interested in sex than a short or long-term relationship. This need is more so to understand myself (in terms of my sexuality) than satisfying the urge to lose my virginity or to finally know what sex feels like. For the past two and a half years, I have been struggling to understand what it is that I am sexually. As of now, I feel that I could be asexual, as I do not have the urge to have sex, but I feel that this is complicated by the fact that I do become aroused by porn. Another thing that complicates my inner struggle with my sexuality is my penis anxiety, which could be the reason why I cannot find sex to be something that is smart option for me to do. I keep trying to restart NoFap, but it is this underlying issue plagues me everywhere that I go. I do fine for a few weeks and start having more energy as a result. The increase in energy leads to more confidence, which gives me the chance to talk to more women. Then, when it is time to become more intimate, that self destructive part of myself reminds me of what I have below my waist. It creates hypothetical scenarios where I fail to satisfy. I just don't know how to. Every time I think about it, I feel pathetic and worthless. I don't feel like a true man because of it, and it kills me. I feel really, really immature about feeling this way, but I cannot help it. I can't repress or suppress these feelings for much longer. Almost 10 years of hoping that fate would just have it in my favor and give me a few more inches to work with. There are days that I wish that I was completely devoid of being romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, so I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore. The reason why I am finally writing this is because of a special woman that I had met recently. I will try not to go into the sappy details about how much I have found myself becoming more infatuated with her, as I am pretty sure many of you have already been where I currently am, but I am 100% certain that I will fail. One of the first things that I had noticed about her was how intimate she is. The second day after meeting each other, we were holding hands, sharing ice cream, and cuddling in our downtime. This is the first time that I have been this affectionate with anyone, and I completely love it. I am usually a quite reserved and emotionally unavailable person, but she brought out feelings in me that I never thought that I had (I knew that I would get sappy). While I enjoy the relationship that we have, it startles me at the speed that we are going. I have been thinking of a way for me to tell her, but even the thought of it makes me shutter. I am afraid that telling her about my insecurity because it will probably make her think that I am not confident enough, which was one of the things that she said that she liked about me when we had first met (go figure). Feeling like this is slowly eating away at me. It always has, but now it has tripled in intensity. I just don't want to disappoint her when (or if) the time comes. Currently, it is 2 o’clock in the morning. I am sitting here in front of my monitor thinking the worst of and about myself. I am thinking about if I am worthy of dating her and if I can sexually satisfy her or anyone else for that matter. I wonder if there is one last chance for my body to grow, so that this anxiety can be all behind me. As of now, I am 20 years old. My birthday is next month, so I might as well jump to 21. I have been doing a lot of research on this and I have found that I may just have a stroke of luck (and genetics) to grow a couple of inches in size. If so, I would be in the 7-8-inch range, which I would do almost anything within reason to obtain. I have thought heavily about waiting until 23 or 24 until I can be certain that my body is done growing before I even think about involving myself with any kind of sexual activity. It is moments like these when I find myself reaching for my phone or the mouse and keyboard to find a temporary solace in porn. Porn used to be way for me to let out my sexual frustrations, but now the tide has turned, and I find myself using it as a drug, and like all drugs, the high is temporary, but the misery is long lasting. It is hard to stop watching it, as I have been watching it almost every day for the past 3 years. I tried cold turkey and failed. I tried deescalating and failed. I truly want to quit, but it isn’t just having the willpower to stop. This is about confronting the part of me that I hate the most and accepting it, but how can I accept the size of my penis, when it is not mine to accept? I constantly think about the day that I finally bare myself in front of the person that I choose to have sex with for the first time. I wonder what they would do or say. I wonder if they would go along with it because they don’t know how to reject me in the kindest way possible or because they pity me. Sex is the great unknown that I find myself simultaneously complexed and terrified of. My impression of sex and intimacy has been purely based on porn, social media, and the people who I surround myself with, none of which are the educational or comforting sources to familiarize myself with this issue that I struggle with. I would appreciate all of the feedback and recommendations, as anything is better than nothing. This was a tough matter to post, but I am glad that I did because I need this help. I am also writing this on the off chance that someone like me is struggling with these issues as well. Hope to hear from you guys soon!
I have found that porn feminises and psychologically castrates men. You could be Asexual, yes, it's possible and you won't know until you explore sex for real. But, it is also possible that it is the porn that is making you feel like you are Asexual and it could also be the porn that is making you feel like you aren't enough just the way you are. Porn warps and deforms the mind so much, it makes us feel ashamed as men and makes us feel ashamed and embarrassed to even admit that we are men, that we have a penis and testicles and that yes, we are attracted to women and want to have sex with them. Some guys just walk around with their heads low, looking at the ground, no confidence, no self-esteem, feeling unworthy in every way, feeling like they don't even have a penis and testicles and this could lead them to going down the Asexual route because it feels better to be Asexual than to admit how we truly feel. I am not saying this is your case, but I'm saying it's a possibility, only you will know. About your penis. Don't worry about it. I know that's easier said than done. There will be many, many guys out there that have a smaller penis than you and just suck in bed, but are rocking it with the ladies and don't care. Do you understand? Your penis is NOT the problem nor is your performance, the problem is literally in your HEAD. It is all psychological, it how you are looking at it and reacting to it. A confident, self-assured guy would own it, hell he would probably joke about it and flaunt it, not act as if it is a weakness. What matters is how you feel about yourself, man! It sounds like this woman likes you. Cool. If she is into you enough to hold your hand or cuddle with you, you can take it to the next step and kiss her. Then, lead her back to your place, her place, whatever is practical and get the deed done. The only way you will overcome your insecurity is though exposure therapy, meaning taking your dick out, exposing that part of yourself, and having sex. If you avoid it or run away in fear, you'll never get over this. You have many fearful scenarios running through your mind, yes, but the reality is you'll have sex with this woman and it won't even be mentioned or be an issue, seriously. Remember, you are the man here, if a woman is opening her legs to you - you have no worries! Believe in yourself.
I am happy that you are so understanding about this issue, yet so motivational. Reading this made me feel really good. I wanted to wait a bit before replying to your comment because I wanted to think about what was said. I feel that your post made me feel much better about overcoming this insecurity, but your section about men like me potentially withdrawing themselves from any sexual activity really did hit me. I have never thought about my asexuality in that way, which made me really buckle down and think about it. I really do have everything that you had listed: head low, no confidence/self esteem, feeling unworthy. I would estimate that 70 percent of why I feel this way is because of my penis size. The other 30 is from my appearance. It physically hurts me thinking about it sometimes. As for your second and third paragraph, I am still conflicted. I really do want to push this all past me, but if I could have, I would have by now. People have told me to boost my confidence as if it is easier than getting up out of bed in the morning. For almost a decade, I have been told that my value as a partner, as a man, is based on my penis size. Not just me, but many men, especially in today's society have had this rhetoric repeatedly. It is not that simple. For me, it is even worse since I am black. The very well known stereotype puts even more pressure on me. I have had a few women want to have sex with me because of nothing else but this stereotype. Obviously, I didn't have sex with them. This factor puts me in a more stressful position, as I am not sure if the woman whom I had or will be seeing put this into reasoning for why they would consider dating me. This and my lack of confidence has put me in a shitty predicament because they are blocking both avenues of progress. On one hand, my penis anxiety prevents me from wanting to see or have sex with anyone, and on the other hand, I am constantly second guessing my partner's intentions. It is so self destructive.
I understand, maybe better than most how difficult it to acquire confidence, especially when one is at the level where they can barely get out of bed in the morning, constantly asking themselves ''why am I bothering? why am I here? what is the point?'' it's like living every day with doubt, and mostly, fear. I think it's important to start with a goal to give yourself some direction, something to aim for and try for, a reason that you can refer to that pushes you out of bed and inevitably out of your comfort zone as well. It's a process, it truly is, these things take time, gaining confidence, overcoming insecurities and fears, it takes hard work and time like anything else, no one becomes superman over night, we are all human and we are all vulnerable and afraid, all of us have our issues and problems, for sure. You sound like an intelligent guy from the way you use your vocabulary and place your words, and you sound like a chill guy, I can see you have potential but your own fears are holding you back and keeping you in the same place - I wonder, what are your interests? Do you like anything physical? An example would be perhaps lifting weights? You could use that as a goal and it could help you gain confidence. Even something like dancing classes? Martial arts? Something that you want to pursue and pushes you out of your comfort zone is good and can help you gain confidence, increase your self-esteem and open the door to real change. I have had issues with my appearance my whole life because I was bullied and such for it in school and growing up. But, there is definitely hope, my friend. Getting older and going through the changes I have through these years, I have grown to accept and embrace my appearance. When you are young, it can feel like the end of the world, but you seriously hold POWER in your hands, you just don't realise that yet. I have the ability to access others deepest fears and self-judgements just through my appearance alone, just by existing in the same room, I can conjure hatred and violence in others very quickly without moving a finger, and when one is unaware of their own power, they can see themselves as a victim. But, when you become aware, you realise that you have something others don't, and you can use this power to conjure great love and respect from others when you begin to embrace and accept yourself - when you embrace and accept your own uniqueness and authenticity, you become the wolf amongst the sheep, and that is exactly the reason why others judge others based on their appearance - ALL external judgement comes from internal self-judgement, jealousy and fear! What I did to overcome how I felt about myself was to surrender completely to how I was feeling, start talking about it with others that care about you, look in the mirror and as a meditation state all of the good things about yourself ''I am kind. I am caring. I am loving.'' etc to build a core confidence, and start loving yourself by becoming your own best friend and protector, change that negative self-talk to empowering, positive self-talk, never speak to yourself in a way that you wouldn't to a best friend or loved one - that is what self-love is. Trust me, your appearance is not a problem, it is your power. Your value as a man is definitely not based on your penis size. Not at all. I remember reading an article about a man that didn't have a penis and was a complete ladies man that found other ways of having sex with them and women loved this man and loved to spend time with him. Think about that for a moment. What makes a man is who you truly are, it's your character and mentality. Don't let anything hold you back, your perceived weakness is your power because it isn't a weakness or even a problem at all, unless you make it that way through your own beliefs. Beliefs can change everything, and if you shift your own beliefs, you can shift your whole life, it is amazing what is possible if you just open yourself to it. If you wish, feel free to send me a PM.
Why do you care if she has good sex? just put the dick inside and have fun. i wouldnt care about girl feelings.
Well, I would like to consider myself a bit more considerate than that. Sex is an act for two, so if my partner is going to some or great lengths to make sure that I am sexually satisfied, I would like to return the favor.
Man, each time I read one of your replies, it feels like an adrenaline shot to the arm! I will take up your advice on partaking in a physical activity soon. I am trying to pass my driver's test, so I can hurry up and get a car, but I keep having to reschedule my tests over last minute events getting in the way of taking them. I plan on getting into boxing again soon. It has been a while since I had committed to it, so I expect no less than to be thrown back into the blender . I appreciate your willingness to talk about how you used to be bullied for your appearance because I also had the same experience. I have always been pointed out for mine, by friends and family alike. I am about 5'11" and 160 lbs, but almost every male from both sides of my family are 6'3" and taller. I do not have a Napoleon complex by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have issues with accepting my body frame. I still have the same frame as I had when I was a teenager. I have been ridiculed by my fair share of females. It had seemed to have come to a halt about January of last year. I still get rejected often from the women, but I am so used to it by now. At a time, I became extremely misogynistic partially because of how I was treated by women and how I had seen a few women treat the men in my family. After being put in the "friendzone" so many times, I decided to use it to my advantage and learn how women operate within the dating realm. What I had thought was a foolproof tactic, ended up making me even more insecure and hateful towards women. I began objectifying them to the point where I didn't even see them as human beings with their own feelings, interests, and etc., only as walking, talking sex toys. Many women who I had talked to shared information with me that me feel so inferior and insignificant. I almost could physically feel myself shrinking while being told how they wanted good looking men with big penises. I had become so hateful towards women because of this. My attitude and opinion of women became much more harsh and cruel as a result of this bitterness. I quickly became interested in MGTOW and The Red Pill, but just as quickly got turned off after seeing how insensitive and ignorant many people in those communities were. I am not hinting that everyone from these communities are bitter for the same reasons (or that they are all ignorant), as I had found out at the beginning of my exposure to these groups that we were all there for completely different reasons, but our beliefs about women were very much identical. After last years insurgence of Donald Trump, the community took a turn for the worse, and I quickly left as the comments became unrelated to the topic at hand. Almost weeks into the beginning of the year, the site became a political soapbox for members of an ideology that I couldn't support, and I had left shortly after. This left me with no where to vent my frustrations. I ended up hating myself more than I had ever had. It wasn't until a few months ago that I was finally tired of feeling this way, so I tried doing little things to make me feel better. The fact that I don't have a car also adds to my porn viewing habits, as I am constantly at home and unable to hang out with friends or simply not be near a computer screen. I have so much that I want to do outside of the house, and it is very difficult for me, especially since I am a lengthy distance from places where. I could be entertaining myself. The woman who I am seeing now does not have a car, so this only gives me more motivation to pass my test and start driving. She has been going through a tough time and is constantly working, so I want to be able to show her out for a nice time. I just can't stop blushing or smirking when she comes up in conversation or when I am sitting around thinking about her. It think that she came into my life at a pivotal time, and I feel that she is here as a catalyst on my journey of self improvement. I really want to work myself out, not only for her, but for myself. I want to feel like a man again. I want to be liberated from this prison of self hatred. Also, thank you for your last paragraph. That made me feel much better than how I was feeling yesterday. I know that improving my self esteem will be a journey, but I am willing to work at it. I am going to find some boxing classes around my area starting tomorrow morning and work my way from there. The conversation isn't over though. You can bet that I will be keeping touch. I also want to keep this public for anyone else who is struggling just as I am. Seeing the conversations may just give them insight and a sense of calming, knowing that there is someone in their position working on self improvement. Thank You, James.
