My PIED is gone, and I keep relapsing in MO because of it

So I didn’t even realize I had any PIED. I just thought that the only way some becomes erect is through intense stimulation mixed with touching. Well I’ve been sober from porn for about 9 months and I have recently relepsed with MO 4 different times.

The reason the MO relapse was so easy is because I didn’t need to touch myself to become erect. I just needed to fantasize and I became arroused. In order to O I touched myself but I am insanely sensitive.

This is a triumph in some ways cuz it shows that I’m not desensitized anymore. But I’m very very nervous and for me MO has been incredibly unhealthy.

Traditionally I have used P and MO as a way to cope with my life. To run from feelings. Using the dopamine rush of orgasm as a drug, like a shot of heroin to escape the pain of life and relax.

The first time I recently MO, it wasn’t anything unhealthy. The second time it wasn’t too bad but I really really enjoyed it and was scared.

But yesterday, I in all honesty, MO to feel something good because I had a horrid day and hated myself and my life. So the ever familiar destructive mental fantasy and the isolation and escape from reality and the use of dopamine release as a way to cope with my stress is what I did, without a doubt.

This is dangerous because this is the progression that started my PMO career. And I don’t want to use Orgasm as a drug....

The problem last night was I didn’t touch myself to start the process. I am now so sensitive to arousal that I just had to fantasize. So now it’s not just about “don’t touch it” it’s about don’t fantasize??? This is insanely difficult and it’s a mind fuck... and when I’m in distress and also tired and alone in bed... I now have to force myself to not think sexual thoughts otherwise I’ll end up erect and aroused without any touching at all...


I’ve noticed today I’m sluggish, feeling more introverted and insecure, and a strong urge to escape from this life.... these feelings are very familiar and I hate them. I wish I could turn back the clock and still be hard mode sober. Cuz even MO isn’t good for me right now I’m my life.

Any advice?

 

I’m separated also right now which is incredibly dificult for sex reason but more so for the emotional stress it’s causing me. I’m now attempting to interact with the world without her and attempting to make friends dis with both men and women without my wife around as my emotional crutch and it’s really taking its toll on my emotional state.

I’m feeling so unbalanced. I would guess that this intense new life I’ve thrown myself into has something to do with my desire to escape and run and hide using MO and fantasy.

My goal was and is a healthy relationship with my sexual self and using fantasy and mo to numb the discomfort of life isn’t healthy at all. And isn’t in line with my sexual ideal. It’s definitly better than porn, it still very detrimental to my self esteem and my spirit of life.

I’ve become lazy and procrastinating and overall less desire to be the best me. I don’t blame the actual act of orgasm for this, but I do think it’s a sign of my ability to process my feelings in a healthy manor and be excited to be alive. If I’m seeking MO as an escape, I’m probably not doing we’ll emotionally and need to get that sorted out. For a few months I felt excited to wake up every morning. I want that back again.

 

So as an update for everyone, I have just had that same feeling in the pit of my stomach of intense arousal. It’s almost the same feeling I get when I have anxiety, the butterflies in my stomach, except this excitement feeling is connected to my penis region. And I become aroused. Such a strange feeling! Haven’t had this feeling ever in my life. Maybe when I was 12 yo or something.

So again, it’s a really awesome experience to have arousal happen this way. A testament to quitting porn, and a loooong break from all MO.

What I realized is my addictive brain is latching on to this butterflies in the stomach type of arousal and instead of touching my penis being the first piece of the arousal sequence, now it’s just a state of mind and me using fantasy to enhance the arousal feeling.

So to stay sober and continue in the no PMO challenge, I realize I now need to not entertain the butterflies of arousal. I need focus on that as the first point towards relapse.

In the past few weeks I have entertained that feeling and gave in to MO because it is such a strange and new feeling. But I really don’t want my sex life to be isolated via MO.

So here’s the next stage of my recovery. Mental fantasy and this new type of arousal count towards my relapse and I will stay focused on healthy alternatives instead of entertaining these feelings.