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Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by pornfree4ever, Sep 7, 2018.
Keep going and have fun
At least you dare to approach ladies and ask them. Now perhaps you could do this at a different environment e.g. common interests groups especially after you get to them more. Rejection definitely sucks but it does help one build some kind of resistance. Also now you know that even if they reject you, that's the worse thing that can happen.
I know the conversation has moved on but I just wanted to go back to this bit as I think it is why porn and the whole sex industry is so wrong, it is infecting the way we think of women. Women are not there for sex. An escort has made a mistaken choice about how to make money, by paying her for sex and seeing her as just a sex robot you are enforcing the ideas about women that porn gives us: women are always available for sex, and women are there to give us sex, just like a robot. That's all rubbish, this is the worst kind of objectification.
I don't believe this is true.
All that said I don't mean to come off as negative. I think giving up porn (and escorts), getting out there and talking to women, self-reflection in your journal here, etc. etc. will work and bring you through to a better place.
I am curious as to what type of approaches you are doing? If they are the serious type and it feels like work. Then the girls might pick up on that, and that will hurt your success rate. But if you approach it as more of a game with no outcomes then you are likely to fair better.
I try to be playful in my interactions. Short talk for less than a minute, then ask her if she wanna grab a coffee sometime.
Thats a step in the right direction. You seem to have good momentum with approaches so this will probably work for you. Even though i have not done many approaches lately, (anxiety, stress and other things, plus the apps are working wonders for me at the moment). I have done dating bootcamps where they teach you how to approach naturally. And learnt a lot through experience over the years.
Try using "observation" for your approaches. So for example in a book store you see a girl reading a book. You can start a conversation on that. Like you seem to be enjoying that book whats it about any good? Or i just dont know what i want to read i get the feeling that you know your way around these books. Something fun and engaging like that. It does not matter what you say its how you say it. I used this approach once on a girl in a book store. It made her laugh, and then she showed me some things on her phone. I probably could have got her phone number its anxiety that stopped me asking but its proof that it works. All i said was "Don't you think you are a bit too old for reading children's books?". I said it playfully with a smile. She was an artist i think did illustrations for kids books which is why she was looking at them.
So instead of always asking these girls out for coffee. Try something more fun, and make a real date out of it. Like going to a book store and checking out books. Or going to an art gallery and looking at paintings. It does not always have to be about getting a coffee. Because they could easily just say no, its too generic everyone asks out for a coffee. And also try to talk for more than one minute you need to build rapport with the girl. If you are asking them out after a minute it makes you seem needy and desperate. Like the only reason you are talking to them is because you want to have sex with them after a date.
The more you talk and show interest the more they will trust you. And one more thing, instead of asking them out with a question use a statement. Because when you ask them if they wanna grab a coffee sometime? It gives them the chance to turn you down. You gave away all of your power to them and put them on a pedestal. Its better to say "I really enjoyed talking to you i would like to know more about whatever it was you were talking about." And then say "we should get some coffee i know this great place that does authentic Italian coffee not like the generic watered down commercial stuff everyone else drinks." I made all of that up but like i said it does not matter what you say its how you say it.
I'm all for approaching females, but 100 seems like a lot.
It will be spread over a year (50 weeks). It is kinda of once-in-a-life time thing to try. I think of it as the 100-approaches challenge, just like there is the 90-days NoFap challenge.
I'm thinking about trying it. Could you say something more about them?
Yeah okay well i went to two different ones. Both here in the UK. One of the dating coaches is american really popular he does bootcamps all over the world. And the other guy is friends with him too. So two different dating coaches and each had bootcamps. So basically its just a bunch of guys who want to get better at meeting girls. Its a more a less an even playing field because we have the same issues with approaching. Anxiety, self doubt, stress, lack of belief etc... So what usually happens is that these dating coaches also have their own people. So guys who used to be bad at approaching but are now naturals at it.
So they help and teach us how its done and why we should not worry about rejection. So first there is the theory where we all talk and they go over what we will be doing. And then there is the practical when we go out in the field and do approaches. These coaches also show us how its done by actually talking to random people, guys and girls. So we can learn and improve our techniques. Then we can go off in groups and we just go out there and talk to people. They usually start off easy so just basic questions and statements so we get used to actually talking to strangers. As you need to build up momentum by talking to lots of people. So when you do see that girl you like your energy is more in tune and you feel more comfortable having a conversation. Because you were already talking to people all day. And its easier with the moral support of the group.
Thats the basic gist of it there is much more to it than that though. Just make sure that you go with someone that teaches natural game so be yourself. Not any of those PUA pick up artists. Because that approach is scripted its not authentic you are putting on an act to get this girl to talk to you. If i recall it lasted 3 days. So from Friday to Sunday. Although there are some the last for a week. Of course you would need to take time off work to do it.
If your goal is quantity in dating and sex with just anyone, then I guess approaching a large amount of random strangers at random places might help with that. They don't know you, you don't know them, and you have less than a minute to sell them on the concept of giving you a chance while instilling the skepticism of "does he just do this with anybody?".
If your goal is connection with people that are aligned to who you are and your interests, then you need a better strategy.
What communities are you a part of and contribute towards? What interests allows you to grow and experience struggles / victories with other people? What do you do on a regular basis that gives you the opportunity to build rapport with others?
Thank you very much bro. This is exactly what I need. Actually, my hands started shaking while I was reading your post and imagining myself doing it. Did it work for you? Did you become better? Are you a war within?
I think you’re trying too hard. Sort of trying to force it to happen.
It will happen if it’s own accord when it’s meant to.
Through school I had no girlfriends, while everyone else seemed to. It bothered me a little, but I didn’t let myself get obsessed with it as a problem.
Then when I was 19 a gorgeous girl showed interest in me totally unexpectedly. I certainly wasn’t looking for it to happen, it just did, and that made it even better.
Let things happen when they’re meant to
Yes it worked! Because in that moment I overcame a lifetime of self doubt. All of the skills, knowledge and training remains. If I really, really tried with approaches now. I would be successful. The boot camp fires you up and puts you on such a high plain of thinking. I know how to approach in most situations. This confidence is working for me well with dating apps. It made me carefree I just don’t care what happens. Keep picking up phone numbers. Now I imagine if I was approaching too!
It’s a good feeling to admit that you are talking to so many girls it’s hard to set up dates. Seriously I’m talking to about 20 at the moment! Do the boot camp it’s life changing!
That's what I wanted to hear! Next winter I will join Men Of Style. Expect me...
IMHO approaching a "number of women" is a wrong idea, and is against the male feminism that exists on the sub and site. Wanting to find a woman is great, and helps with your streak. Go at your own pace. Recovering from rejection is tough.
This dude waited for "things to happen" and did not take any action, the result? 58 years old virgin. I know your advice is well-intentioned but sometimes following this path could lead to many regrets, especially for shy guys who don't take initiative. That girl showed you interest when you were 19. I am in my 30s now and if things were meant to happen, it should've happened long time ago. I would rather try too hard and fail miserably than not try at all.
In dating apps, guys normally hit on and send messages to 100s of women, and they get rejected/ignored with no problem. I think the only reason approaching a similar number of women in real life is difficult is because rejection feels more personal than on dating apps.
Also, I don't understand what "feminism" has to do with approaching women or the nofap community.
Well, this is interesting questions, I don't understand too ...
it's not how many, but how you approach girls.