My Porn history TRIGGER WARNING

So i decided and i overcome myself to write down the shit i used to fap to, in order to help myself and maybe others, who had similar fetishes and fantazies. You all should know, this might be a huge trigger for you, so TRIGGER WARNING.

So i startded masturbating wayyyy to early, i cant really remember, but i think i was about 6-7 years old then. Watching P on some pornsites, in the age of 14 maybe 15.
When i started to `fap` i just rubbed my dick on a pillow up and down and always had submissive thoughts while doing it, idk why. When i started watching P it usually was facesitting porn, but years goes by and i went to femdom porn. At the same time i thought: all of my male friends are also fapping, but to some `normal stuff`, like a blowjob or just normal sex between man and woman. So i was disgusted of myself every time i fapped, cause you know, thinking of yourself that youre a loser and masturbate while some fat guy gets humiliated or to POV humiliation is pretty disgusting, i had this in mind every time, but i still fapped to it. The peak of this shit was when i texted a girl literary: i love you, (it was for real btw) and she responded with: no, i dont love you, i was 16 back then, i know its a pretty lame approach. After that i was very sad of course, she also had a bf when i texted her. So whats the most normal think you should do, after something like that happened? Well what i did was, i stalked her on social media and her bf, and i fapped to every couple picture of them. While doing this i thought i watch while they having sex and that they laugh at me, cause im such an fucking loser. That was the time were i started watching cuckold porn, i found this fetish by myself, i didnt had a clue that this is a real think, i mean ive read articles about the art of cuckolding. I mean it is something `natural`, cause many man and woman getting pleasure from it, but i feel like i dont want this. I still had in mind that almost every guy i know, fap to porn were the man is the dominant one, and not the other way around, cause the other way around, it always feels unnaturally for me, so i felt unnaturally for myself. The next big think after this `era` was brat princess. I think everyone who is into femdom porn, knows about this. I mean i fapped a lot to their videos, and in every video mens were treated like trash. Im glad their are some thinks i didnt fapped to and of course never will, like bi, sissy shit or strapon, thats in my mind the most disgusting shit and every man that fap to this, should know that he has a problem. I mean all this thinks can be acceptable, in my opinion, when you have a sexual partner, who is also into this. So dont pay money for this, getting it for free, by finding a woman who will treat you like that in your sex life, but loves you and look up to you in real life. Anyway, about a year ago, i was so much disgusted by myself, that i forced myself to watch what i consider is normal porn (penis in vagina). It was hard to cum to that stuff, but everytime it happened, i felt good about it. Some months later, i heard about nofap and i liked the idea, i heard about the benefits and as you now know i never identify myself as a loser, i always wanted to be a real man, with real sex. So its a huge step into this person when i can control my need for humiliation and even normal porn now, so now im still rebooting my brain. since 15th of September im at least pron free ;D.

I hope this is something helpfully for anyone, and when you have/ had similar problems feel free to write it down here, i would feel very happy when i get some response to this.
And btw, sorry for the grammar, im from germany

 

yeah thank you, i dont know what it is, but since i wrote this down, i didnt had any real thoughts about this. I recommend it for anyone, it works.

 

So you relapsed after 112 days? How do you feel now, after such a long streak?