Hi everyone. I'm a recovering porn addict who is in recovery. Kinda redundant lol. Anyway I'm 40 as of 2 months ago and I have had a porn problem since my teens. At the time I didn't know it was a problem. I 1st discovered porn at the age of 6. My stepfather had a stash of magazines in his closet. And then when I was a young teen, my older brother played a porn movie in the living room. My mom didn't bat an eye. A few years later we got cable and I was watching Cinemax and playboy TV. Pretty much every night. At 18 I began to collect playboys mags. I had a good collection. At 20 I met my wife and she didn't approve of them so I tossed them. Unfortunately I didn't know I was addicted and I've been battling this ever since. A few things to note( we have watched porn together because she wanted to, she came out as gay for about 3 years and was even going to date a woman before i met her. She isnt gay anymore. We separated for 3 years and saw other people but eventually got back together). I've tried to quit a million times on my own and my wife has given me many chances. At this moment I feel like I truly have made significant progress as it's been 16 months since I've watched porn and masterbated. Unfortunately I have had 2 relapses and 1 slip up. So since last July I stopped watching porn and had a 90 day streak. It was my 1st ever. And then in October of last year I fell into the trap of softcore movies. I had a binge of them for almost a month. Then I had another good streak from November of last year til June of this year. In June I watched softcore type stuff such as thirst traps and even more embarrassing, I searched for breastfeeding videos. Since then I have only slipped once which was at the end of September I watched 8 videos of women half dressed. So the last thing to note is I got rid of all social media in June and I do have covenant eyes on my phone. I also go to group meetings 2 times a week and see a therapist once a week. My marriage is not good at all because my wife is hurt bad from all of this. We are separated but living together. The biggest problem from her perspective is I always lie about it instead of telling her the truth. The shame is real folks. I spoke to my therapist about my inability to tell my wife the truth and I'm working my ass off to not fear the consequences of being truthful. I'm sorry for the long post. Thank you.
My porn story
- Thread starter a21virgo
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You are in the right place. Glad to have you here. Sounds like you are actually making great progress. Telling your wife would be the next big step.
The opposite of shame is honesty. The opposite of selfishness is service. Serve your wife man, be honest with her and just accept the outcome. It will suck and it will hurt. But, you will be stronger and better for it. If you're of a mind to pray do it at every opportunity.
Also, just a tip from experience dont try to rush her healing when you talk with her. She is going to react how she reacts. Deal with it and be gracious and patient. She's going to hurt and she's entitled to it. If your marriage is worth saving, you being honest with her is how you are going to do it. If you need to do something that seems like it is too invasive, do it. If it seems silly, do it anyway. Be overly cautious and be ridiculous in how you prevent yourself from folding. That way has done waaaaay more for me than being in the middle ground. Ive left movie theatres recently because the sex was over the top, or my wife will tell me honestly that she thinks a show isn't appropriate so I've abandoned them mid season that I enjoy but it's worth it. Rebuilding the trust is more important right now. We can discuss things that I want back later if I even still give a crap about it lol.
You got this. CUT THIS POISON OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
Prayers for strength to you my friend. Prayers for prudence, patience and definitely prayers for healing!
Great advice here.
Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
I think fear of consequences of telling the truth is an interesting topic.
Sometimes you have to face the music. You break someone's trust, you have a responsibility to make it known. But at the same time, there needs to be an environment where telling the truth is not overly punishing. If minor indiscretions result in going back to square one, it's going to be very tempting to resort to white lies, and I think that gets a lot of people.
How does your other half react when you confess things like watching softcore or looking at pictures of women? Is there recognition of the progress you've made so far on her behalf?
Sometimes you have to face the music. You break someone's trust, you have a responsibility to make it known. But at the same time, there needs to be an environment where telling the truth is not overly punishing. If minor indiscretions result in going back to square one, it's going to be very tempting to resort to white lies, and I think that gets a lot of people.
How does your other half react when you confess things like watching softcore or looking at pictures of women? Is there recognition of the progress you've made so far on her behalf?
I've already told her everything. We've talked many times.
Yeah I'm absolutely never going back to porn. Never. I finally have an accountability partner on covenant eyes. I don't have faith that we will ever get back together. She says there's no way she will ever trust me again and there's no way for me me to ever prove I haven't watched any porn. I have 16 months clean of porn.
Tiger1
Fapstronaut
Good decision. Yeah AP's are really good to have, I hope that you guys are on the same page. There's always hope that you may get togather, just have to have faith that it may happen. Yeah I never really thought of m, how could you or I or anyone prove to the hurt one that you've been clean...unless you give her control over the protective barriers on your devices.
Congrats on your 16 months!! So after all that why the divorce?
I’m very sorry to hear that. I hope you can get to a point of peace and heal and the same for your wife.
16 months is phenomenal don’t let this be a relapse. Prayers for you my friend
Tiger1
Fapstronaut
Best of luck!
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
What is your definition of porn? Because you say you watch breastfeeding vids, thirst traps, and half naked women. That’s literally all porn. That’s like an alcoholic who usually drinks whisky saying he clean from alcohol because he’s only sipped a couple beers .
Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
I don't agree. To me, that's material that can lead to you watch porn or masturbating. But porn requires the depiction of a sexual act. Otherwise, basically everything's porn. Taking a selfie at the beach would be making porn.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Obviously we completely disagree. What’s that quote? I can’t define porn but I know it when I see it? To me anything that is used to incite lust would be my definition. So yeah, depending on the selfie , tits out a$$ out, could be p. Ones vodka ones light beer . For an addict? He is still using a lighter/ milder version of his doc. Usually masturbation and lust is the actual addiction that has escalated to using porn to enhance the orgasm. Not for all but for many. As a partner I very much would consider this still deep in addiction did not sober at all.
Warfman
Fapstronaut
I guess the way I see it is that porn addiction almost always comes with a certain level of sexual addiction. So, there's truth in both comments I think. And certain things might be more difficult than for others. Ultimately though the line that can't be crossed is that line of escalation to relapse, and that line is one that can't be crossed wherever that issue may be.
Fully agree with this. I mean we are talking PA here. So yes looking at soft core is a way to cheat. Bikini girls etc. my husband looked at drawings and M after quitting video P. So yeah. It’s still porn in that aspect.
No I agree with @Real Jerry Seinfeld in the context that it is not how traditional P is defined. However just like @Psalm27:1my light was saying an alcoholic couldn’t drink light beer. So for some it’s not P. But for some yes it is, and a way to cheat on the addiction. I would be heartbroken and distraught if my husband was looking at any of that stuff. Just knowing that P messes the brain up to over sexualize anyway. So sexy pics or sexy scenes are the same thing. And he’s still going outside the marriage or finding a way to do so. If he wasn’t a PA he probably wouldn’t be drawn to bing watching or consuming these things in this manner. It’s like saying hey I use to do crack. Isn’t it better I only binge drink now? No. I would have a huge problem with it. It’s very much still a link to P without being graphic P.
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Real Jerry Seinfeld
Fapstronaut
I think my issue is largely with where this attitude can lead.
Defining pornography subjectively (i.e., I know porn when I see it) is too vague and renders the term meaningless. It makes everything potential porn. There needs to be a definitive line practically speaking, so we can say, 'hey that's definitely porn, the line has been crossed' or 'that's Michaelangelo's David, please button up your pants, sir'.
The second and more serious thing I take issue with is the assumption that sexual appreciation of a visual form is symptomatic of pornography/sexual addiction. I'm not saying that's been overtly claimed but I think it's a natural conclusion of the assumption that if you're looking at women in bikinis, you haven't actually conquered your addiction. To me, being able to look but not masturbate is successfully managing an addiction. Being able to look and not even thinking about masturbation means your addiction has basically disappeared.
I think this latter state is broadly representative of the situation most men are in. Normal men not in the throes of sexual addiction will look at a picture of a scantily clad woman, go 'cor blimey', and then get on with their day. I think the attitude that all sexualisation of the female form that takes place in one's mind is evidence of a warped psyche is hysterical and can have bad effects on men and their relationships.
For one, you see people come on here and castigate themselves or their partners for looking at women in any sexual light. I don't know if any of you recall the story about the chap who wasn't allowed to look at news updates of the woman's volleyball, but I'm thinking along those lines. The attitude that all sexual desire is problematic encourages people to mistake normal sexual thoughts or urges in themselves or partners for deviancy. These attitudes tend to go hand-in-hand with crushing guilt, taking hairshirt approaches to abstinence, and controlling or unhealthy behaviours. In some cases, I believe there's a transferral of obsessive or addictive behaviours from pornography towards abstinence with similarly deleterious effects on the emotional well-being and day-to-day conduct of those prone to obsessive thinking or addictive behaviour.
In short, I don't think we're helping people in recovery by telling them that sexual interest in the female form means they have a serious sexual addiction. It's not reflective of the sexual outlooks and behaviour of most men and instead pathologises normal sexual urges and pushes addicts towards an unrealistically high bar for recovery. I think it's more helpful to focus on their goals and where these behaviours might lead if they're not truly recovered.
Defining pornography subjectively (i.e., I know porn when I see it) is too vague and renders the term meaningless. It makes everything potential porn. There needs to be a definitive line practically speaking, so we can say, 'hey that's definitely porn, the line has been crossed' or 'that's Michaelangelo's David, please button up your pants, sir'.
The second and more serious thing I take issue with is the assumption that sexual appreciation of a visual form is symptomatic of pornography/sexual addiction. I'm not saying that's been overtly claimed but I think it's a natural conclusion of the assumption that if you're looking at women in bikinis, you haven't actually conquered your addiction. To me, being able to look but not masturbate is successfully managing an addiction. Being able to look and not even thinking about masturbation means your addiction has basically disappeared.
I think this latter state is broadly representative of the situation most men are in. Normal men not in the throes of sexual addiction will look at a picture of a scantily clad woman, go 'cor blimey', and then get on with their day. I think the attitude that all sexualisation of the female form that takes place in one's mind is evidence of a warped psyche is hysterical and can have bad effects on men and their relationships.
For one, you see people come on here and castigate themselves or their partners for looking at women in any sexual light. I don't know if any of you recall the story about the chap who wasn't allowed to look at news updates of the woman's volleyball, but I'm thinking along those lines. The attitude that all sexual desire is problematic encourages people to mistake normal sexual thoughts or urges in themselves or partners for deviancy. These attitudes tend to go hand-in-hand with crushing guilt, taking hairshirt approaches to abstinence, and controlling or unhealthy behaviours. In some cases, I believe there's a transferral of obsessive or addictive behaviours from pornography towards abstinence with similarly deleterious effects on the emotional well-being and day-to-day conduct of those prone to obsessive thinking or addictive behaviour.
In short, I don't think we're helping people in recovery by telling them that sexual interest in the female form means they have a serious sexual addiction. It's not reflective of the sexual outlooks and behaviour of most men and instead pathologises normal sexual urges and pushes addicts towards an unrealistically high bar for recovery. I think it's more helpful to focus on their goals and where these behaviours might lead if they're not truly recovered.