My potential ED story/blurt. Advice?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Jumperkeys, May 29, 2019.

  1. Jumperkeys

    Jumperkeys Fapstronaut

    Hey all! Looking for some advice, and also just to write out my thoughts and understand them better hopefully.

    So I grew up a Christian and believed until recently that sex was completely wrong before marriage, as were all forms of sexual activity. I have recently (within the last year) changed a lot of my thoughts on these things, and I'm not sure now where I stand, but I want to have sex and dont believe its sinful anymore... or at least, I'm giving myself permission to try it.
    As a preteen, when I went through puberty, I would often masturbate on lingerie that I found in the house, which got out of control at one point when I did it at someone else's house at 14 and got caught afterwards when she found the bra I had used. My parents also found out that I had looked at porn and had big talks with me about it that embarassed me a lot.
    Anyways, I had a two girlfriends with whom I did nothing sexual at all, and then one with whom I would play around a bit. We never took off any clothes, but we would grind and sometimes I came in my pants, though I dont know if I actually had an erection during many of those times. I didnt find her particularly attractive to be honest, but she had charisma and would instigate things and be sexy about it which turned me on. However, she wasnt interested when I would try to instigate things and it ended up being that she basically decided where, when and how we would fool around if at all. There were a few times where I remember I tried to masturbate a little in order to get hard but it didnt work well.
    Anyways, that ended and I was single for about a year, and just a month ago I started dating someone again. We were only together for a week and a half before we became long distance, and I didn't want to have sex so quickly, though I do want to have sex with her. But we did sleep in the same bed and fooled around. However, I never got hard with her despite trying about 8 times. We grinded and petted but never took off our underwear, though everything else came off. Partly I'm worried becsuse I have a crooked penis, but also just dont want to have sex yet.
    She is pretty docile though, and gentle which is difficult for me because I tend to freeze in sexual situations and wait for the other person to move us into the next stage. I also find myself always worried about getting an erection, pleasing her, and how she might compare me to her ex, with whom she had a really short relationship that consisted almost solely of sex.
    She is a wonderful girl and I find her absolutely gorgeous, and I want to please her when we have sex and not be worried about my erection the whole time.
    Since we became long distance, I have been reading about ED almost daily and researching foods, pills, surgeries, etc.
    Anyways, I wonder a couple things;
    1) I think I have ED, but I havent ever taken my dick out even or tried to have sex. We have fooled around for like 20 minutes though and I feel like I should have an erection after that long! Is it a safe assumption? What can I do about it?
    2) I want to not feeze next time we fool around/try to have sex. How can I build my confidence?
    3) I like the idea of being seduced, and I think that that is what stimulates me the most. Perhaps I'm even a bit submissive when it comes to sex; the porn I like tends to be porn in which the girl does a lot of talking or where she is dominant over the guy. Or where it's just a girl and she is being dominant over the viewer. Since my girlfriend is pretty submissive too, does this mean we are sexually incompatible?
    I sometimes worry that if I were to let her be on top and pleasure her then she would find me boring and uncharismatic. How do you get around these things?
    4) I am worried about everything that I think about/do that is sexual now, and I worry that I will cause myself to have ED or make it worse. What have you done to help psychologically with ED and sex? For instance, I have tried several times to give myself a hard-on by fantasizing without touching myself, just to make sure its possible, and it has worked once. Is that a good idea or no?

    Thanks for letting me spill my guts out! Just to be clear, I'm not going to masturbate or watch porn, and that's mostly because I want to overcome ED by the time I see my gf again. Please let me know any tips you got slash encouragement!!
  2. ledener

    ledener Fapstronaut

    How old are you?

    I think that you should quit PMO forever, or you will risky never surpass this ED.
    Don't fantasize anything, take your brain to the natural behavior of getting excited with a normal woman, not one you fantasize.
    Looks like you don't get hard because you have lots of cautions and anxiety also
  3. Since you reveal you were raised by disciples of Christ, I would advise you return to those roots. The reason that sex is confined to within marriage is because it is a very problematic thing to engage in without the commitment of a long-term relationship behind it. If your partner can just leave willy-nilly with no strings attached, then performance anxiety becomes a very real issue! But if there is a solid commitment to one another to stay together through thick-and-thin, then the anxiety is lessened considerably. That is why keeping sex within marriage is wise.

    Once married, reserve sexual activity to only times with your wife. Solo sex is the same as solo Christianity -- it will only harm the thing you are trying to do!

    Many others will have other advice, I am sure. You will have to decide who you want to listen to.
  4. Jumperkeys

    Jumperkeys Fapstronaut

    I am 24, Ledener. Thanks for your thoughts. In case I gave a different impression, I do not want to PMO again! Definitely not wanting to go down that route.

    And Tao, thanks for your advice too. Yeah my faith has been a challenge this past year or so... I've been thinking about it and debating it a lot with people because it is very important to me and I used to be a super strong Christian. So that's a work in progress. But I feel like I have always discounted other religious/a-religious options without giving them a chance, and I recently realized this and have been taking a serious look at the truth of it all. And in terms of sex, I'm not looking to become a hook-up monster, or make it even an overly important part of my relationship. But I also dont want to stay scared of it forever!
  5. I was raised in a Christian home, and I went through the same process at your age, checking everything out for myself. I landed back with Christ because I never did find forgiveness and love like his anywhere else. I wish you a profitable conclusion to your own search -- and I hope yours does not take as long as mine did! :)
  6. Jumperkeys

    Jumperkeys Fapstronaut

    Thanks! And I would appreciate your prayers :)
  7. You have them, of course! If you truly desire joy, you will not miss it. God is good.

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