My pregnant wife found my secrets and my lies.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Justquit, Oct 4, 2014.

  1. Justquit

    Justquit Fapstronaut

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    I'm 28. Started masturbing at age 11 or 12. I remember I wasn't even producing semen when I had my first orgasm. Masturbation lead to porn viewing in later teens. I started dating my soon to be wife at 18. We were both virgins and promised each other to stay that way until marriage. We achieved that goal. I thought getting married and being able to have as much sex as I wanted would cause my masturbing and porn habits to go away. I was wrong. After only a couple months I started using porn again. It wasn't long before I realized I have an addiction.
    Years of that lead to chatting with other women on chat sites/apps. The last year has been a lot of craigslist casual encounter browsing and chatting. I created a secret email back in 2011 and I kept all my secrets and all my convos with women in there like they were my trophies, even if the convos never lead anywhere.

    Well that brings me to Saturday, September 27. I go fishing with my friends and I get a text message from my wife of 8 years... "I was on your iPad and fell upon your yahoo mail account. Complete inbox for me to see. I guess when you come home we can discuss when you'll be moving out."
    My heart sank! It was over. How could I allow my secret to get out.

    My wife and me have had an awesome marriage! We make each other laugh. We truly love one another and want to help each other. We never fight or anger each other. On top of that my wife is 6 months pregnant with our firstborn son!!! How could this happen now? At the point she needs me most?

    I was terrified to come home to see what I would find. Well I found many tears and a broken heart. I knew exactly what had caused all this and explained my secret addictions, about how I tried many times to quit but couldn't. About how I always wanted to seek her help but didn't want to hurt her. Well the hurt was 10 fold. She had taken the past few hours to read every word I had written to dozens of women about the sick and preverted things I wanted to do to them and how badly I wanted to meet up with them.

    Many, many tears from both of us and almost a week later, the dust has finally settled. Over the past week I've lost about 5 lbs. Both of us have gone into a deep depression. Shes almost kicked me out, I've slept in different beds, I've picked up the phone hearing crying, I've worried when she leaves she will never come back, she's said she feels like dying, she's not eating either. This past week has been the worst in my life. Period.

    But. It has purged me. It has given me a chance. And she wants to work thru this. Tonight she lets me sleep with her again. I am extremely lucky.
     
  2. BetterPerson

    BetterPerson Fapstronaut

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    My Sympathy for you dude I'm glad she forgave you and you opened yourself to her, it is a good step for you to be guilt and you wrote it down here. Seven days is a good start so keep it up you can do this.
    Oh I recommend to delete every single message and deactive every account which you used texting girls and let your wife know that so she can trust you more.
    I wish you good luck :)
     
  3. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Well, I, on the other hand have no sympathy for him just like I have no sympathy for anyone cheating on his partner, especially since he didn't open himself to her - it was a mere attempt to rescue the relationship. If she didn't discover it, he'd probably keep doing it without even that much of guilt or shame. Notice how his first thought was

    ?

    Either way, I do believe that "evil must be conquered with good" so my aim is not to condemn him and deny him the right to live in happiness with his betrayed wife. But my feelings are sure far from sympathy. I trust it can only get better from now.

    Oh, and if you want to purge for real, then I'd advise taking a longer break from marital sex. Especially since she most likely isn't going to enjoy it for some time.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2014
  4. JS_2ndC

    JS_2ndC Fapstronaut

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    Something similar happened to me about a year ago-our situations are not exactly the same, but in the same ballpark. It has been a long hard climb. If you really want to save your marriage I would suggest the following - and this is from personal experience:
    1) Start getting counseling - if you can get your wife to do it too, that is huge because it will take her a long time to come to think you think she is beautiful and desirable again
    2) Don't keep secrets from her - I've learned that the secrets hurt worse than the actions a lot of times.
    3) Don't use a computer alone for six months
    4) Get into some kind of a program here on this site where you check in with people DAILY who don't think you are a creep or an asshole becasue they have done the same shit and just unload what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing.
    5) If you fuck up, just tell her-the honesty helps, even if she finds your behavior revolting
    6) Figure out what your triggers are and stay the fuck away from them
    7) Read the entire "your bran on porn" website
    8) Thinking about or imagining porn - relying on images stored in your brain is really the same as watching it - so don't kid yourself and think otherwise - this is a practice that led me to stumble
    9) hang in there - most of the people on here are addicts who are trying to get better - and some have done worse shit than you,

    At this point I'd say the pregnancy is going to make it a lot harder than it would be otherwise because even wonderful women go psycho from pregnancy hormones.

    Hang in there bro.
     
  5. Justquit

    Justquit Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate your honest assessment. I have been carrying much guilt about my past transgressions. The dialog I originally wrote described my thoughts and emotions at the time. Yes my addict self, which has had an extremely hard pull on my life for over 15 years didn't want me to stop feeding it. It didn't want to be found out. It's secret life was maintained by lies that became a learned behavior when I was 12.
    Did I want to stop? Absolutely. Back in May I had maintained not using PMO or chatting for 44 consecutive days. I was reading books, I was on here daily to get help and help others. I thought I was on the path to recovery... But my addict self won me over again.
    One thing I hope you realize @ekhangel is that we are not our addicts. Being an addict is not who our true self is, it isn't who we truly are on the inside.
     
  6. Justquit

    Justquit Fapstronaut

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    It has taken a week of her going thru every email and every message to finally sit down with me and deactivate and erase it all. Last night we put porn blockers on all electronics and even to block craigslist.
     
  7. Justquit

    Justquit Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the tips. I have lost pretty much all of her trust in me and so priority number 1 is being honest about what I'm thinking, what urges I'm having.
    We are currently seeking out a sex/porn addiction psychiatrist for myself.
     
  8. killbillvol99

    killbillvol99 New Fapstronaut

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    This is pretty messed up. I don't even know what to say.

    If your wife wasn't pregnant she should leave you immediately out of self-respect.
     
  9. eldish

    eldish Fapstronaut

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    I feel like I just read my story reading your post.
    I have a wife and she has threatened to leave me several times over porn. I've never chatted with other women online but have definitely watched a lot of porn despite promising my wife over and over again to stop.
    When you were saying how you and your wife were crying over and over, it reminding me of me and my wife every time she finds out that I've been looking at porn which is usually within a few days of it happening. Also, I totally relate to her letting you lay in bed with her again, I've felt the same thing.

    Thank you for your post and I hope you the best road to recovery of your addiction and marriage!
     
  10. HandzOff

    HandzOff Fapstronaut

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    That's a tough one. My addiction actually led me to cheat on my wife. Being addicted is obviously no excuse, but people who haven't experienced it have difficulty understanding the compulsive nature of addiction. Your brain is telling you "no" but you just end up doing it anyway, and end up racked with guilt during/later because you can't figure out why you couldn't stop yourself despite knowing absolutely that you're doing the wrong thing. The guilt then feeds back into a lack of self-worth, which ends up reinforcing the compulsive behavior.

    It's going to be a tough road but stick it out. Be there for your wife. Answer any questions she has honestly and openly. She will probably not be able to understand the addiction, but if you can get counseling for porn addiction then DO IT -- and see if she would be interested in attending the sessions. It may help her to understand your problem.

    Marriages go through ups and downs. Some are less serious, and some are more serious, like this one. If you guys are committed to each other and love each other you can make it work, and in a way, it's better than this happened now -- otherwise you probably would have continued your behavior forever.

    Just be there for her. If you are truly committed to her and your future son then do whatever it takes to kick the habit. It will take a long time for her to regain your trust. Do whatever you can for that to happen. Good luck!
     
  11. ZenBound

    ZenBound Fapstronaut

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    Dude, I feel for you and your wife. It must be hell right now.

    Addiction is a disease that destroys whole families. But this could be the moment that turns around your whole life. It's possible to use something like this to take you to a much happier place in your marriage than ever before. But you MUST have professional help. Also look at 12 step programs, they've been hugely helpful for me - it makes a big difference to get help from people who have been through similar addictions.
     
  12. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    I can't judge. Hang in there. My marriage has been on the rocks too because of my addictions to alcohol and sex.

    I quit drinking nearly a year ago, but I'm new to the NoFap thing. I can't say that I've been the most faithful husband either, but I'm working on getting better. As we say in Alcoholics Anonymous, "...we claim spiritual progress, not perfection." I genuinely want to be a better man or I wouldn't be on this site.

    Based on what I've read, my brain is screwed up when it comes to handling dopamine and things that feel good. That's why I'm an alcoholic, that's why I am addicted to porn, and that's why I can't seem to do ANYTHING in moderation. I'm not responsible for the problem, but I am responsible for "manning up" and seeking a solution.

    I agree with getting into counseling ASAP. It does help, especially if you can find a good counselor. My marriage is still not where I want it to be, but I'm working my ass off to save it. This is my third marriage and I've come to realize that I keep making the same mistakes with every woman I hook up with. The only constant denominator is me, and it's ME that has to change. Divorce won't fix anything. :p
     
  13. ###

    ### Fapstronaut

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    In my recovery groups, I can't tell how often I see this story:

    Man gets found out by wife. Fear motivates. Man makes some small changes - stays clean for some months. Wife retrusts again. Fear as a motivator is gone. Man goes right back to the waiting arms of lust.

    The sex actions are just the top of the weeds. Stopping the sex actions is just mowing over the top. Unless major steps (counseling, recovery groups, etc) help to pluck out the roots and to continue to keep one accountable in life-long maintenance, the weeds regrow. It takes serious and continual work to treat a serious and continual addiction.
     
  14. nopenotdoinit!

    nopenotdoinit! Fapstronaut

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    Justquit, this is terrible man. But I can honestly say kudos to your wife for sticking with you and kudos to you for wanting to change all this. I particularly liked the part when in your first post you said something along the lines of "all this is happening when she is six months pregnant with my firstborn son. How could this happen now? When she needs me the most?" That was good man. It shows that you really want to change this.

    Good to hear you started getting all of this unhealthy sexual fantasy out of your life immediately. When your son arrives, you will be well on your way to recovery. And hopefully a strong marriage once again. Much love being sent your way homie.
     
  15. mjtx

    mjtx Fapstronaut

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    I agree with S. K. that the addiction (porn) is just a symptom of a larger problem. The root cause is you trying to fill an emptiness in your life. Porn, affairs, drugs and alcohol... almost anything pleasurable can be abused.

    The trick, I think, is to find some healthy way to fill that void. For me, spirituality works, but I am already in a twelve step program (AA) for my alcoholism. I am not really religious, but I do believe in some sort of creator.

    I know that there are secular programs but I have no idea how they work. Twelve step programs work by teaching you humility and how to reduce selfishness through service to others.

    I only have less than two days of no PMO, but I am finding it easy to apply what I use not to drink to my porn addiction. I am starting to realize that for me, alcohol and pornography are pretty much the same as far as my disease is concerned.

    Just my two cents.
     
  16. Caveat Emptor

    Caveat Emptor Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Justquit, I'm so sorry to hear that. I was getting teary eyed reading your story.

    That's incredible that your wife is willing to work through it with you. You owe it yourself and her to make it work. Hopefully, you can develop a new sense of trust with her that, when paired with raising your son, will make your marriage better than it ever was.

    Good luck, brother.
     
  17. nopanama

    nopanama Fapstronaut

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    The thing about hitting rock bottom is that it isn't the actual bottom - you might think things can't get worse, but they can. Hitting rock bottom is a temporary moment of clarity where you have the opportunity to turn back before things get worse. It seems you're in that moment now. Don't waste it.
     
  18. Grandadinrecovery

    Grandadinrecovery Fapstronaut

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    Hi Justquit,
    I know exactly where your coming from. On my honeymoon I was buying porn and stashing it away. Over the years I have never REALLY wanted to stop watching porn. I knew the terrible damage it was doing to me but I was so attracted to it. I am now 65 years old and I have been an active sex addict since I was 15.The addiction has ruined my life. I am bright and intelligent and wanted a good education but the addiction always came first. My fix always came first.so I'm saying to you Justquit you have something special there. Don't screw up . Take your addiction VERY SERIOUSLY. Break the habit. Best of luck
     
  19. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    My best advice. Let her help you through it. Whenever you get an urge, tell her, any little thing you wanted to hide before, don't ever hide it again. It's best to always tell her than to start a new batch of secrets. I promise you, with her on your side, and with you truely wanting to stop, it'll be so much easier to quit.
     
  20. Three Dog

    Three Dog Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear about that happening dude, even though we can love others I find we sometimes have these separate lives that when you look at it from a distance, doesn't even feel like it's actually us doing it.

    Once you conquer that demon and get through this, regardless of what happens I can tell you that you will absolutely learn from your mistakes.

    Good luck.
     

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