My problem ruined my relationship.

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I was in an absolutely amazing relationship with a woman I'd been chasing for months. We were living together and everything was going great. But I still found myself going on Reddit and looking at trans porn. I was even leaving explicit comments on their posts. Well she found out about all of it and broke up with me and threw me out of the apartment on February 9th. She's right to be angry, but I'm trying to prove to her that I can change. She's being very generous and giving me a chance. But since we've started communicating again there's been a lot of arguing. She's said some really incredibly hurtful things to me. I'm telling myself that she's upset and betrayed and that's why, but some of the things she's been saying are just downright mean. I really believe that this relationship is worth saving, but I don't know if she feels the same way. Sometimes it seems like she does, and sometimes it doesn't. She recommended I come here and go to some therapy sessions which I'm going to do. She even follows me on here so we can communicate. I'm hoping to get some advice, and maybe an accountability partner. Comments and criticism is welcome, thank you.
 
Hi welcome.
I think joining a support group would be a great idea. SA, SAA, or SLAA. In addition to therapy. While therapy might address some of your problems, it won't address the problem of your lack of connection. The same goes for a single accountability partner. I define connection as a group of men in my life that are looking out for my personal and spiritual growth. A 12 - step group is an example of a good connection.
 
Be Inspired said:
I am sorry to hear about your pain my friend. This is an awful addiction. Please get help now or it will only get worse. You are doing the right thing by being on this forum.
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I have a therapy appointment on Thursday. I plan on doing a hard mode reset. 30 days no PMO. I really want and need to cut P out of my life.
 
It is a lot to go through betrayal trauma. You'll see a lot of us significant others staying because by the time we found out we were already married and with children. Leaving for us has much more dire consequences. But if you asked most of us if we would have stayed had we just been dating? Most of us would say no. Not because we don't love our husbands, but because this trauma is that painful. You may want to do some reading about betrayal trauma to understand why she is as hurt as she is and to understand how she might react.
 
used19 said:
It is a lot to go through betrayal trauma. You'll see a lot of us significant others staying because by the time we found out we were already married and with children. Leaving for us has much more dire consequences. But if you asked most of us if we would have stayed had we just been dating? Most of us would say no. Not because we don't love our husbands, but because this trauma is that painful. You may want to do some reading about betrayal trauma to understand why she is as hurt as she is and to understand how she might react.
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I know how badly I hurt her. I feel awful every day. I just don't think we should throw this away.
 
The biggest step you can take is decide to do this for yourself. Not because it's a condition your partner has set, but because you no longer want to be engaging in that behaviour.

I duno how strong your habit is but 30 days cold turkey can be a tough road, especially if intimacy with your other half is off the table. It's practically inevitable that you'll slip up and you'll benefit from being honest with your partner. If you can admit when and where you've gone wrong, she'll learn to trust you when you say you've been steering clear of it. Being transparent will keep you honest with yourself as well, and prevent stumbles from becoming massive sprawling falls.

You'll also benefit from setting yourself some hard boundaries you won't cross. Assuming it's the nature of the porn that's the big issue, you need to swear to yourself that even if you find yourself looking at porn, you'll never look at THAT porn. Put it in your mental category of "things I don't do and will never do" alongside other behaviours you find disgusting. Kick it right out of your repetoire for acceptable behaviour.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
The biggest step you can take is decide to do this for yourself. Not because it's a condition your partner has set, but because you no longer want to be engaging in that behaviour.

I duno how strong your habit is but 30 days cold turkey can be a tough road, especially if intimacy with your other half is off the table. It's practically inevitable that you'll slip up and you'll benefit from being honest with your partner. If you can admit when and where you've gone wrong, she'll learn to trust you when you say you've been steering clear of it. Being transparent will keep you honest with yourself as well, and prevent stumbles from becoming massive sprawling falls.

You'll also benefit from setting yourself some hard boundaries you won't cross. Assuming it's the nature of the porn that's the big issue, you need to swear to yourself that even if you find yourself looking at porn, you'll never look at THAT porn. Put it in your mental category of "things I don't do and will never do" alongside other behaviours you find disgusting. Kick it right out of your repetoire for acceptable behaviour.
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I know I need to do this for myself. And at this point she's not my other half sadly. Yesterday we had a good day of positive communication. Today has been more of her being mean and negative communication. I don't think an infidelity is worth throwing away our relationship.
 
Schizophrenic_Warfly said:
I know I need to do this for myself. And at this point she's not my other half sadly. Yesterday we had a good day of positive communication. Today has been more of her being mean and negative communication. I don't think an infidelity is worth throwing away our relationship.
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It is what it is mate. If I were you I'd just continue with your commitment to give it up and maybe she'll come round. If she doesn't, at least you've got a better handle on the problem so it won't wreck future relationships.
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
It is what it is mate. If I were you I'd just continue with your commitment to give it up and maybe she'll come round. If she doesn't, at least you've got a better handle on the problem so it won't wreck future relationships.
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That is my plan. Focus on myself and kicking the habits and problems. Hoping so badly that we can work through it though.
 
I think your partner's response is understandable. Therapy might help but I would encourage you to understand therapy abuse. I bang on about this here but I think it's important. Maybe take a look at r/therapyabuse. Some of the abuses done by therapists are insane. The Apple TV+ drama 'The Shrink Next Door' might give some insight as well. The reality is some people leave therapy worse off than when they started.
 
onceaking said:
I think your partner's response is understandable. Therapy might help but I would encourage you to understand therapy abuse. I bang on about this here but I think it's important. Maybe take a look at r/therapyabuse. Some of the abuses done by therapists are insane. The Apple TV+ drama 'The Shrink Next Door' might give some insight as well. The reality is some people leave therapy worse off than when they started.
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I believe if you want to rescue your relationship with her then do what will make her feel safe and if she wants to see you going to therapy then do it.

If therapy can make your problem worse then I would suggest to still do the therapy thing for her so she can feel safe and at the same time focus on the real solution for porn addiction which I persoanlly believe is doing certain nofap modes and staying on them.
 
onceaking said:
I think your partner's response is understandable. Therapy might help but I would encourage you to understand therapy abuse. I bang on about this here but I think it's important. Maybe take a look at r/therapyabuse. Some of the abuses done by therapists are insane. The Apple TV+ drama 'The Shrink Next Door' might give some insight as well. The reality is some people leave therapy worse off than when they started.
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Yea she's warned me about that too. How they might dig up more issues to try and get more money from me. Of course her response is understandable. I made a terrible, awful mistake. Therapy is just one of many steps in my road to recovery. I'm just hoping she'll be open to reconciling.
 
used19 said:
What you need to also understand, is that from her perspective, every time you went to porn you were throwing her away. You've already sent her the message that this relationship, her, does not come first. It is a very hard wound to heal.
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I would add that from her perspective, there might have been no relationship at all, looing back at it, because it was a big lie the whole time.
She also might feel she doesn't know you at all. She thought she knew you and she had a certain kind of relationship, but now it is all ruined. Either you both build it again from zero or it is gone forever. What you had is gone.
 
Schizophrenic_Warfly said:
Yea she's warned me about that too. How they might dig up more issues to try and get more money from me.
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Your girlfriend sounds like a wise woman. On that subreddit, one guy said he went to see a therapist who told him there was nothing wrong with porn and he should keep watching it because it was beneficial. That gave him an extra reason to keep looking at it and he left therapy even more addicted.

I believe some therapists are good and genuinely want to help people. I know of one therapist who refuses to see clients after they've dealt with their problem but I'm not sure how common such therapists are.
 
onceaking said:
Your girlfriend sounds like a wise woman. On that subreddit, one guy said he went to see a therapist who told him there was nothing wrong with porn and he should keep watching it because it was beneficial. That gave him an extra reason to keep looking at it and he left therapy even more addicted.

I believe some therapists are good and genuinely want to help people. I know of one therapist who refuses to see clients after they've dealt with their problem but I'm not sure how common such therapists are.
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Yea, I've also noticed the same when reading experience of other people seeking therapy or help in certain forums. They very often don't even try to give you a real therapy that solves your individual problem but try to convince you that you don't need therapy but accepting and be fine wiht your situation.
 
used19 said:
What you need to also understand, is that from her perspective, every time you went to porn you were throwing her away. You've already sent her the message that this relationship, her, does not come first. It is a very hard wound to heal.
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It was more than porn. A lot has been revealed in the last week or two. He threw me away for crossdressers on a social media texting app that have local groups, so more people like him. He insists he never cheated physically during our relationship but he did get nasty and swap nudes/vids/porn and words with local online strangers in hookups apps, including while on the clock at work. It took him this entire time to finally admit to me that he was jerking off at work during our relationship though I asked him repeatedly and he lied before. He says it was only twice and I want to believe him but I know how some people withhold details to make themselves not seem so bad (idk why he would withhold at this point, I can't imagine how it could possibly get worse). He says he didn't send anyone live video/clips but maybe old video from before our relationship (sure thing bud).

He's reached out to and looked up many people since I've kicked him out, including people he said he was no longer interested in. How can I trust him again? He is a liar through and through.

Every single day since we started talking (about 2 weeks ago) since I kicked him out a month ago, a new lie has been uncovered. It's unbelievable. I THOUGHT it was just porn. He is a sex addict. He tried to let me believe that maybe he's not into male genitals and it's just the addiction until I was able to get him to admit how many men he's been with, who his primary target audience is for his hookup apps, and how many men he was with before me. Men are easy. A lot of them were grandpa aged crossdressers and idk how to process that.

He has been unfaithful from the very start and has never been faithful to anyone. I don't understand why he wants to keep trying with me. Maybe because he feels no one else would want to put up with him except for the trash he seeks out online.

He got emotional and upset about me wanting to put a tracker app on his phone which also sends me alarm bells. Which tells me he learned to hide his indiscretions better so there's probably something to find out if he gets tracked.
 
Revenadd said:
It was more than porn. A lot has been revealed in the last week or two. He threw me away for crossdressers on a social media texting app that have local groups, so more people like him. He insists he never cheated physically during our relationship but he did get nasty and swap nudes/vids/porn and words with local online strangers in hookups apps, including while on the clock at work. It took him this entire time to finally admit to me that he was jerking off at work during our relationship though I asked him repeatedly and he lied before. He says it was only twice and I want to believe him but I know how some people withhold details to make themselves not seem so bad (idk why he would withhold at this point, I can't imagine how it could possibly get worse). He says he didn't send anyone live video/clips but maybe old video from before our relationship (sure thing bud).

He's reached out to and looked up many people since I've kicked him out, including people he said he was no longer interested in. How can I trust him again? He is a liar through and through.

Every single day since we started talking (about 2 weeks ago) since I kicked him out a month ago, a new lie has been uncovered. It's unbelievable. I THOUGHT it was just porn. He is a sex addict. He tried to let me believe that maybe he's not into male genitals and it's just the addiction until I was able to get him to admit how many men he's been with, who his primary target audience is for his hookup apps, and how many men he was with before me. Men are easy. A lot of them were grandpa aged crossdressers and idk how to process that.

He has been unfaithful from the very start and has never been faithful to anyone. I don't understand why he wants to keep trying with me. Maybe because he feels no one else would want to put up with him except for the trash he seeks out online.

He got emotional and upset about me wanting to put a tracker app on his phone which also sends me alarm bells. Which tells me he learned to hide his indiscretions better so there's probably something to find out if he gets tracked.
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I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. No one deserves this treatment at all. I hope you are able to move on and find help and healing for yourself.
 
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