UPDATE! He's P free!
But I couldn't do it. I couldn't forgive him or respect him again. I tried. We tried. But my resentment leaked through to every obstacle we encountered.
We weren't together long enough. We don't have kids. We aren't tied to each other.
He kept telling me I would eventually need to get over it and that just fed the fire even more. How dare you tell me that? How dare you betray me and then tell me to get over it?
Often times when a shortcoming of his was highlighted in an arguement, he would refer to his having autism as the reason.
So I had to let him go. I am not equipped to be with someone with autism I guess.
I pointed out that an alcoholic may be ashamed of the things they did while drunk, but that doesn't mean they don't or didn't like drinking. It doesn't make sense to me how he can claim to be a heterosexual after being with 6-8 men before starting a relationship with me and at the time calling himself bisexual (but now he's heterosexual to please me??). He had experience with 6-8 women before that, actual relationships and not online-only hookups, I'm not counting those, if I did the number would probably be like 10, sigh. But now after all is said and done, he claims he is deeply ashamed of his behavior. And I point out, that doesn't mean he didnt like it.
When I don't like something, I don't do it again after the first time unless it's something good for me like beans. I kept trying beans every few years because I knew it was good for me but I didn't like the taste or texture and finally finally I can tolerate beans in my diet (thanks to really good mexican places lol). I tried a dating app once. Once. Never again. The type of people you meet online are just not for me. I wouldn't even do it for the free drinks and dinners.
If I had never caught him commenting on ts P on the internet, I would have never found out he was swapping pics with mostly strange male crossdressers on another app during our relationship. He was the type to keep the secrets buried unless exposed. It was exhausting. His first apology in this drama was telling me he swears he wasn't having conversations with anyone, and that it was only him commenting on ts P on the internet. The nerve.
He claims mental illness. That he had an addiction. His therapist is treating this like alcohol addiction. Having him watch Tedtalks on alcohol addiction.
If you had face to face experiences with that many women, full on relationships, and then the same amount of experiences with men in skirts (mostly not in skirts) but not exactly relationships except for a couple of them were more than one night stands, after that... you KNOW what you like, you KNOW what you're about. Trying to tell me, "He thought he liked it bc that's what people expected of him." Or something. To his credit, he didn't make out with them, maybe one of them and he said he didn't like it? I forget now, too much to keep track of. It was strictly transactional, pump and pump, when it wasn't limp from alcohol.
I felt like he was holding onto a lie. Pretending to be a heterosexual with a "wild, experimenting past he's ashamed about but can grow and learn and move on from." If he didn't like it, why did he keep doing it more than once? Why was everyone he cheated on me with online a crossdresser with barely any cis women in there? If he had just told me, "ok, yes, I did like it. I am not completely hetero," then he'd have more of my respect. That is way more believable. I just can't trust him anymore.
To his credit, he quit P. He actually quit P. He replaced that time with playing mobile app games and console games (yippee, how productive, but better than what he was doing before). He didn't cheat on me again after I let him move back in but the atmosphere was still toxic. We would have a good time hanging out, doing certain activities like watching tv or running errands. But after coming home from a wholesome distant cousin's birthday party on his family's side, I couldn't stop but question him... "you had enough data to know if you liked fellating men or not based on the number of women you've been with. Just because you say you're ashamed of doing it doesn't mean you didn't like it."
We had a peaceful, relaxed time at this food and cake party. But it all came crashing down after coming home that night because I couldn't stop myself from confronting him about it. It's a curse that never leaves.
I would rather live paycheck to paycheck and struggle to buy food than be with a guy who blames autism and has a history of lying. Who gets hot-tempered and loses control of their words during heated arguements and apologizes about it later but then does it again!? I would rather struggle alone and have some peace instead.
I also had a dream last week where I found myself with my head in the crotch of someone wearing a santa clause costume, something lazily and uncaringly in my mouth that I don't wish to repeat (it felt like I was in the POV of someone else, not myself). I looked up at him, this older santa clause, (he was laying down on his back, on the floor of what appeared to be commercial, retail type lineoluem), he was looking up above his head perplexed as well and he said, "I dunno." And then the scene cuts to me seeing my ex, possibly sitting at a bar, saying to me very intensely, "Six... years..." and I felt very uncomfortable and woke up. I took that as a sign that I'm going to break up with him in 6 years anyway because I'll never, ever be able to get over it. Or maybe he's saying, "it's been 6 years and you still can't get over it." Either way, I'd like to avoid that moment in 6 years all together. It was connected to his past behavior and felt very uncomfortable.
That conclusion, combined with screaming disagreements from both of us because he calls me mean and that I don't respect him (and I probably don't... how can I when I think he's still lying about his sexual preferences?), is why we're finally done trying. For good. We can't even be friends. He says I'm mean, disrespectul and emotionally abusive. So I ask, "then why do you want to be with me? Why do you want to be with someone like that?" I don't even deny that I'm being emotionally abusive. I probably am. I tell him he should get his tubes tied to prevent bringing a child into this world that might live the same life he did, autistic with no coping skills or anger management skills. Without an intimate bond with their father just like him, to get a better understanding of how the world works and how to be a good man. He calls me mean for saying it but I see it as sparing a life. Go adopt if you really want kids but read lots of books on healthy parenting/fathering first, you know you're researching it right when you find authors with opposing views and you're able to determine which one works better for you.
He asked why is it that when he refers to something in the past it's "so long ago," but when I do it's, "not that long ago." I tried explaining to him it's because what he's referring to are the compliments and encouragement I gave him on his progress and improvements since the betrayal. He'll remind me in arguments, "but you said you were proud me and the progress I've made." And I'll go, "that was a long time ago." That's because a lot of bad stuff has happened since those things argument wise. I told him good job for staying faithful this second time around but we have a major personality clash now. And when I refer to his betrayal as "not that long ago," it's because it's trauma. He refers to his man dating phase as "so long ago" but he was with that grandpa 35 years his senior that first night he slept on my couch (well, the morning after), the weekend before our first real date. I feel like he woke up from my couch that Sunday morning resentful that we didn't hook up, so he went on the app to bang some 65-year-old crossdresser 14 minutes from my home to make up for it. That was Nov 2023. So the difference in these timeframes is one is trauma related memories/moments and the other is happy related memories/moments.
I told him this was always going to be an uphill battle for him. I told him the reward won't be worth the effort because it would take herculean strength to get me to move past his betrayals. He said he would do whatever is necessary. Yet we can't even communicate civily anymore. What's the point? I don't have the patience for him anymore. I told him it feels like we're in a high school level relationship, and that I've already experienced that IN high school and I don't feel like doing it again. I know what a successful relationship is because I've been in one before and he knows that. I know what it is to have disagreements calmly and maturely. We're not on the same level and I don't have the patience or energy anymore to help get him there.
It really sucks to pour your time, energy, heart and soul into someone and not have it work out. If I could strip away from him all the flaws I can't get over, it would be perfect. But that is asking too much and very much not possible.
After this betrayal, I am very much not going to be able to trust anyone for a while. I understand I may even die alone. This guy claimed he is absolutely in love with me and it's still not enough for me. When it was good, it was very good. The bad was too much and too often. The pain and the curse and the poison of his betrayal and his past were just too much to handle.
Throughout all our arguments, I encouraged him to spread his wings and meet someone new whom he didn't betray so he could start over with a clean slate. Someone who will accept him for who he is. Someone who will be okay with him being a grown adult male wearing dbz shirts in public when it's not a children's bday party.
However, he would tell me no one wants me. Most recently he told me he hopes I kill myself and he hopes I die alone and miserable. Of course, he apologizes and takes it back, blaming the heat of the moment and his emotions. I point out that during arguements I encourage him to find love, while he tells me I won't get it.
I am very glad I will no longer have to go to bed every night and wake up every morning thinking about how I wasn't amazing enough to maintain his attention or focus on me instead of crossdressers/guys from the moment he met me, yet he's supposedly also very much in love with me. I am unable to reconcile that. Why would you do that to someone you're absolutely in love with? Do you not know what love is? Were you never taught how to treat people properly? Do you not know you can't go through life just doing whatever you want without consequences? It doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't connect. But I don't have to worry about it anymore.
I really hope he uses condoms and acts safe moving forward for the safety of the community.
I am finally free from this prison and one day hopefully the pain.
Thanks for reading.
) One can indeed learn a lot from the way you address a conflict that has gone to the extreme, by not starting to argue with either person’s position, but matter-of-fact-like acknowledge that there is a situation that each one has to work on their end with the support from others, 
from your wounds. And indeed it is never helpful to bring a personal dispute into a public forum, though i fully understand the need to vent.