My problem ruined my relationship.

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I think I can understand what @terrible-chocolate was pointing to. It's the fact that my porn use would not be acceptable to a partner even if I was honest about it. So in that perspective, ones best chances of relationship success is to simply not act out sexually, and thus, won't have to lie about it. In the addicts perspective, the acting out behavior is seen as the more destructive force.
From a potential partner's perspective, I can see it so much clearly now. If that person wants to select the best possible mate, He/she would want to know as much as possible to make an informed decision. And an extremely important one; who you are going to marry, have children with, build a life with, etc. And if a potential mate is found to be sexually unstable, then he/she has the information necessary to deem that person of lower value and dump the addict's butt and pursue a better partner. That person is not too affected. He/she can even have compassion for the addict, but just doesn't want to pursue a life altering relationship with him/her. But let's say that the addict kept the behavior hidden. All through the years, giving the partner the picture that he/she was attached to a wonderful high value man/woman only to find out about this. Instead, the partner finds he/she is married to a low valued loser. Yeah, I can see how the lies hurt more.
 
UnholyConfessor said:
Dude, what on earth are you talking about. Lying to someone is bad. Lying to someone you supposedly care about deeply in order to cheat is worse. Lying to someone you supposedly care about deeply in order to live a double life where you sleep with elderly crossdressers is heinous. Just peak degenerate behaviour. The partner is completely, 100% in the right to hate them for the lying and hate them for their actions. I mean damn, how is this even up for debate? Do you seriously believe that the partner is somehow at fault?



Lying to your partner, covering up a double life, cheating, insulting, telling them to kill themselves, potentially passing along STDs from sleeping with others, these are all objectively forms of abuse. I'm starting to question if you're trolling because the alternative, that you're that oblivious, is kinda concerning. How would you feel if your girlfriend told you one day that throughout your entire relationship she'd been cheating on you with elderly lesbians and then when you said something about it told you to kill yourself?
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Of course it's all degenerate and bad. I'm not saying it was good.

What I'm saying is addicts do stupid things and addicts are typically so selfish that other people don't play into the equation

All I'm saying is the post from the girl sounds less like heartbreak and more like they're finally glad they have an out of the relationship

I'm never gonna have a girlfriend, I don't really have an opinion on such a scenario or putting myself in those shoes
 
Real Jerry Seinfeld said:
This is a mental take. Obviously the resentment comes from him banging dudes behind her back. Whether he was addicted to doing so or not is irrelevant, he deceived her for their entire relationship whilst he had sex with other people. Why would that not be a legitimate source of resentment? The idea both that she is to blame and further that she was pushing this guy into a crossdressing fetish is lunatic. I don't know how you could read these posts and come to that conclusion.
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I didn't say resentment wasn't a valid response, im more saying the source of resentment was not the lies, but the addiction of the guy
 
terrible-chocolate said:
I didn't say resentment wasn't a valid response, im more saying the source of resentment was not the lies, but the addiction of the guy
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The lies were ever present. Had he been honest about his addiction, she could make choices regarding their relationship. Because he lied, she resents that she didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t care less if someone is addicted to porn or sex. What I care about is if that person lies to me in order to get into a relationship with me, then continues to lie while he f**ks me. You know there are couples in open relationships right? Couples who use porn together? Couples who swing together? It’s when the partner lies that things start to go south. You truly have no understanding of the importance of trust and honesty. That resentment goes back to the very beginning of the relationship when he LIED about who he was. He presented himself as honest, trustworthy and loyal, as someone who could love and care for her of which he is none. He is a liar, a thief, and completely selfish towards her basic right to choose. Of course she resents and hates that he cheated on her, but he got her into that relationship by lying. Anyone who has listened to betrayed partners knows the vast majority say it’s the lies that were most harmful and the lying they just can’t take.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
The lies were ever present. Had he been honest about his addiction, she could make choices regarding their relationship. Because he lied, she resents that she didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t care less if someone is addicted to porn or sex. What I care about is if that person lies to me in order to get into a relationship with me, then continues to lie while he f**ks me. You know there are couples in open relationships right? Couples who use porn together? Couples who swing together? It’s when the partner lies that things start to go south. You truly have no understanding of the importance of trust and honesty. That resentment goes back to the very beginning of the relationship when he LIED about who he was. He presented himself as honest, trustworthy and loyal, as someone who could love and care for her of which he is none. He is a liar, a thief, and completely selfish towards her basic right to choose. Of course she resents and hates that he cheated on her, but he got her into that relationship by lying. Anyone who has listened to betrayed partners knows the vast majority say it’s the lies that were most harmful and the lying they just can’t take.
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All people lie about who they are.
 
terrible-chocolate said:
Of course it's all degenerate and bad. I'm not saying it was good.

What I'm saying is addicts do stupid things and addicts are typically so selfish that other people don't play into the equation

All I'm saying is the post from the girl sounds less like heartbreak and more like they're finally glad they have an out of the relationship

I'm never gonna have a girlfriend, I don't really have an opinion on such a scenario or putting myself in those shoes
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That's not all that you said at all though? You said that this sort of behaviour is not lying and it's not abuse. It absolutely came across like you were defending the addict.

terrible-chocolate said:
All people lie about who they are.
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Not to this extent they don't. Again this reads like you're defending the addict.
 
terrible-chocolate said:
All people lie about who they are.
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No, they actually don’t. Some of us, what you see is what you get. Now, people might not show you who they are right away. It might take time to determine if the other person is trustworthy, or if the relationship is intimate enough to divulge vulnerable information. That’s called discretion.
 
Yeah it’s absolutely the lying. I’ve dated other people who were sex addicts (short term) and I was told immediately up front about their struggles. They had been in SAA and it was obvious that the effort was there. He was lovely otherwise and his struggles were so managed by that point I never even thought there was an issue. It didn’t work out for other reasons.

But my latest situation with my current partner is worse. There have been years in which I’ve asked for the truth (because I already knew), but was lied to consistently. I’ve been more than available sexually but was told he “just didn’t need sex” or “wasn’t that into it”. While he was denying me connection and intimacy, he was lying to keep his hand and a cold computer screen. Nope.

Now I can’t believe anything he says and I am always wondering what he’s up to. I’m resentful of the addiction, but I’m destroyed knowing I was lied to and sexually neglected for years while thinking it was me that was the problem.
 
terrible-chocolate said:
Everyone lies
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I empathize too. With all parties involved. Addiction to anything sucks. It makes it hard to be honest and face consequences when you know you’re struggling to stop doing something. It hurts when we hurt people we care about and don’t know how to stop. Living with fear that we’ll lose everything. It’s a no win. I get it. It’s just not my current experience and I’m dealing with the other side of things. I wish he had been honest so I didn’t take on years of heartbreak as something that was my fault. He probably wishes he had never started down this road in the first place.

This just reinforces my opinion that P is from the actual devil. All the people and love that is absolutely destroyed for a few hours of dopamine. Addicts and partners both. I’d rather be anywhere else than society sometimes.
 
Well, the issue now is he's toxic and unstable. He tried calling my job to get me fired claiming Im a big ot because I called his apps g*y apps (I assure you, they are) and he has quite a temper. Since it had nothing to do with my job performance and my team knows me, they didn't care and said he had no ground to stand on.

*******Tell me why I shouldn't report him to his HR for watching pron and swapping noodies on the clock at work? It's always on the clock cuz he never takes a lunch break. I have a library of screenshots and timestamps and GEOTAGS proving he's at work and in the bathroom on the clock doing things he shouldn't be. He told me he gets turned on very easily so the thought of a 30 year old boy walking around a grocery store, with families, with a chub is disgusting.

The difference is he lives with his parents and probably always will. They can take care of him. He only pays for his phone and truck. Which is his means for his vice, jerking off online with strangers and finding random strangers online to hook up with in person. But that will also mean he will have a hard time finding another job based on the reason he was let go from his current one. I will probably also have to get a restraining order because he will have a lot of time on his hands to stew in his anger about it even though no one made him do it at work, he did that himself.

I live alone and pay for all my bills with absolutely no safety net, I have no one to depend on but myself. Do you see why I'm livid about his malicious act to get me fired for supposed hate speech?

Also, because I am on the edge of deciding whether or not to report him and the degree of his lies, I reached out to some of his exes, the real ones and not the pump and dump hookups and one of them from 2020 is claiming to have herpes and HPV from him.

This guy told me the first time we were intimate, that it had been a couple months since he had been with anyone. This was a lie because during my first investigation when he first cheated, I found he went to a 65 year old crossdresers house 14 miles away from me (from the apps) and engaged in unprotected activities. He met him online and 30 minutes later shows up to his house, I don't even think they were flirting just "come over and get it."

Our first date was a week after that incident (I had known him for a year until this point). He couldn't stay hard with a condom on and I wasn't going to rawdog him knowing he's been with men before me but everyone knew he got an HIV test months before because he was with a dude with HIV. And he said he came back clean from that. The second weekend we tried again with a condom and he couldn't stay hard. This is when he admitted he watches too much porn. I didn't think it was serious so I was like, "the internet says to avoid porn for 2-4 weeks, so lets try that." Two weeks later we try again and I stupidly decided to forgo the condom because we've been loving each other's time and company for that month. Big mistake right? I might regret it for the rest of my life, we'll see. He has not been tested since his last test and who knows how many ppl he was with right before me since he's a crazy, unstable liar.

Point is, he lied about not being with anyone right out the gate. And lied about being clean possibly too.

Yes, I have an appointment scheduled to be tested. Yes, I'm freaked out and plan on suing him if I can if I am positive for anything. Yes, he's on the apps again but claims he's not doing it at work. Yes, I have proof where he admits to going on a specific app, swapping nudes and making a "coffee date" for right after work June 24). I also have other evidence I won't discuss here because even though he doesn't pay attention to this forum anymore, he might.

Oh, I'm also sending all his future friends and gfs/bfs the link to this thread because they should know what he is. Unless I report him at work then I can forget about him completely. I'm just so angry I put myself in this position by giving this perv a chance.
 
Girl. Why did you get involved? You’re clearly intelligent and have a lot going for you. You have a good job that pays your bills and you’re respected there with people that support you. He’s 30 and not even living independently? Yikes. Grow that self worth!!!! ❤️

But I’ve done it too. I dated a man that had conflicts with everyone he knew and somehow didn’t think he’d hit me or yell at me. ‍

Id cut off contact. He sounds like he adds nothing to your life. I lost friends when I cut off my abuser and it was totally worth the sacrifice. Just an idea, definitely not trying to overstep.
XO
 
He's a really good liar and deceiver. Seemed like a nice guy. Had the same job for 10 years. Didn't know all he did was play video games and suck dk/dream about it. Quiet nerd goes manipulative ringmaster. He just wants a beard/cover/fake wife.

We are cut off. I took my phone back since he won't pay his share anymore (and have no interest in tracking his calls/msgs/data) and for some reason, he hasn't reactivated his old phone so he's been using wifi at work the past 2.5 weeks lol. Blocked everywhere. Even on here. I don't want anything to do with him except... he called my job, like wtf. It's almost like the universe is telling me what I need to do. Plus he's gonna think I still like him if I don't, I'm sure of it. He thinks any attention from anyone means they like him and I can see why that is. He was following all sorts of twisted porn stars on all of his social media and it was public, and he had so much family as friends on them too. He seems like the most ignored, forgotten person in his family and has no friends.

How would you feel about an easily turned on chronic masturbator walking around restocking your soup cans and soda bottles? Cranking it out on top of the changing station in the family bathroom? Is that not a public safety issue?

I remember going into spencers gifts in like 5th grade for the first time with 3 of my BFFs (mall time yay). There was a 60ish year old man wearing gray sweatpants. We had just walked by the graphic dirty cards and were giggling and noticed this man had an erection not more than 2 feet away so we bolted. Anyway, that's what I think of my ex now. I am repulsed. What kind of monkey can't keep it together in public? It's like teknight from that show who is attracted to every single thing shaped like a hole. I don't understand.

I will be enacting the 90 day no touch rule moving forward cuz I don't need hormones messing with perception. Oh yeah, I was also just prescribed seasonal antidepressants like 3 weeks before our first date and part of me thinks that's probably why I gave in finally from his constantly asking me out bc there was one point where I gave him a long spiel about how he's too young for me. I stopped taking them bc they increased my blood pressure and gave me thunderclap migraines during climax (yea, no thanks).

It must've been the drugs bc I am so far out of his league. I will only date people who go to the dentist regularly from now on. That's a first date question idc.
 
Revenadd said:
He's a really good liar and deceiver. Seemed like a nice guy. Had the same job for 10 years. Didn't know all he did was play video games and suck dk/dream about it. Quiet nerd goes manipulative ringmaster. He just wants a beard/cover/fake wife.

We are cut off. I took my phone back since he won't pay his share anymore (and have no interest in tracking his calls/msgs/data) and for some reason, he hasn't reactivated his old phone so he's been using wifi at work the past 2.5 weeks lol. Blocked everywhere. Even on here. I don't want anything to do with him except... he called my job, like wtf. It's almost like the universe is telling me what I need to do. Plus he's gonna think I still like him if I don't, I'm sure of it. He thinks any attention from anyone means they like him and I can see why that is. He was following all sorts of twisted porn stars on all of his social media and it was public, and he had so much family as friends on them too. He seems like the most ignored, forgotten person in his family and has no friends.

How would you feel about an easily turned on chronic masturbator walking around restocking your soup cans and soda bottles? Cranking it out on top of the changing station in the family bathroom? Is that not a public safety issue?

I remember going into spencers gifts in like 5th grade for the first time with 3 of my BFFs (mall time yay). There was a 60ish year old man wearing gray sweatpants. We had just walked by the graphic dirty cards and were giggling and noticed this man had an erection not more than 2 feet away so we bolted. Anyway, that's what I think of my ex now. I am repulsed. What kind of monkey can't keep it together in public? It's like teknight from that show who is attracted to every single thing shaped like a hole. I don't understand.

I will be enacting the 90 day no touch rule moving forward cuz I don't need hormones messing with perception. Oh yeah, I was also just prescribed seasonal antidepressants like 3 weeks before our first date and part of me thinks that's probably why I gave in finally from his constantly asking me out bc there was one point where I gave him a long spiel about how he's too young for me. I stopped taking them bc they increased my blood pressure and gave me thunderclap migraines during climax (yea, no thanks).

It must've been the drugs bc I am so far out of his league. I will only date people who go to the dentist regularly from now on. That's a first date question idc.
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If you can afford and can find one, I highly recommend going to see a csat. I love mine. I’ve been to 3 ( I lost one to brain aneurism) but they all helped in different ways. Money well spent
 
Revenadd said:
He's a really good liar and deceiver. Seemed like a nice guy. Had the same job for 10 years. Didn't know all he did was play video games and suck dk/dream about it. Quiet nerd goes manipulative ringmaster. He just wants a beard/cover/fake wife.

We are cut off. I took my phone back since he won't pay his share anymore (and have no interest in tracking his calls/msgs/data) and for some reason, he hasn't reactivated his old phone so he's been using wifi at work the past 2.5 weeks lol. Blocked everywhere. Even on here. I don't want anything to do with him except... he called my job, like wtf. It's almost like the universe is telling me what I need to do. Plus he's gonna think I still like him if I don't, I'm sure of it. He thinks any attention from anyone means they like him and I can see why that is. He was following all sorts of twisted porn stars on all of his social media and it was public, and he had so much family as friends on them too. He seems like the most ignored, forgotten person in his family and has no friends.

How would you feel about an easily turned on chronic masturbator walking around restocking your soup cans and soda bottles? Cranking it out on top of the changing station in the family bathroom? Is that not a public safety issue?

I remember going into spencers gifts in like 5th grade for the first time with 3 of my BFFs (mall time yay). There was a 60ish year old man wearing gray sweatpants. We had just walked by the graphic dirty cards and were giggling and noticed this man had an erection not more than 2 feet away so we bolted. Anyway, that's what I think of my ex now. I am repulsed. What kind of monkey can't keep it together in public? It's like teknight from that show who is attracted to every single thing shaped like a hole. I don't understand.

I will be enacting the 90 day no touch rule moving forward cuz I don't need hormones messing with perception. Oh yeah, I was also just prescribed seasonal antidepressants like 3 weeks before our first date and part of me thinks that's probably why I gave in finally from his constantly asking me out bc there was one point where I gave him a long spiel about how he's too young for me. I stopped taking them bc they increased my blood pressure and gave me thunderclap migraines during climax (yea, no thanks).

It must've been the drugs bc I am so far out of his league. I will only date people who go to the dentist regularly from now on. That's a first date question idc.
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I get it. I apologize for being judgy. I can be an ass for sure. I’ve definitely been there though. My ex was the most charming man in the world and it’s hard to see through. They seem to prey on people that need love the most. I’m glad you’re past it! And that’s disgusting about the changing table… seems like pedophilia of some sort.
 
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