My problematic sexual behavior Story

I follow many threads in this forum and I am often quite surprised about some people stories. To be honest, before I knew this forum I have never heard about things like HOCD or sissy Porn. And even though I don’t suffer from such things, learning this from you guys helps me a lot opening my eyes and to see the impact of porn.

I took some time reflecting about my own sexual behavior. I want to use this thread sharing it with you. Feel free to add some comments or share your own stories.

in case you want to skip the details, below you will find a sum up.

Let’s start
I think the immediate impact of the porn industry was easily noticeable by my girlfriend in my early 20s. I begged her to try things like cumming on her face or having analsex. These are things which are nowadays standards in any porn movie and I thought it was normal to do it. Even though my girlfriend agreed (after quite some effort to convince her) I knew she didn’t like it much and she only did it for me.

apart from that, I also noticed the effect that standard PMO wasn’t exciting anymore and I always tried to intensify it and chasing this particular exciting feeling.
The most common way was of course edging. But I also used some self made cock rings to reduce the blood outflow. I was quite creative in building some self made pussies which I then fucked in private while watching porn.
But I think the most inappropriate thing was that I stole (or borrowed) some panties from various girls in my environment to masturbate into them. Among these girls was the mother of a previous girlfriend (she had a hot mother), a very good friend as well as roommates during my time as a student.

My taste for porn also changed a lot. I am absolutely not attracted to standard porn (man + woman having sex). I developed a preference for voyeurism and the only porn which turns me on is where women have been secretly recorded getting naked or even masturbating. I don’t even like ‘faked’ videos. I really need to be convinced that the woman is not aware that she is recorded, then it turns me on.

And lastly, the effect which bothers me most is that my internal urges prefer PMO rather than having real sex. That is something which changed very slowly in the last 10years. Only when I’m looking back I realize that the signs have been already there some years ago, but I feel it nowadays because it is sometimes very difficult for me getting aroused with my partner which eventually results in losing the erection.

Apart from my sexual behavior in early 2018 I had a period where I watched a lot of (disturbing) porn in every private moment I had. At the same time I developed some strong social anxieties which changed my personality immediately. I have no proof that these anxieties are the result of my porn consumption but there is a probability, since I read quite often how people experience anxieties.

To sum up:
I convinced my girlfriend doing unrealistic things which I knew from porn.
I developed a preference to break into the privacy of others (by stealing their underwear or watching them being recorded)
I lost the excitement for having real sex with a real partner which results in having PIED.
I developed social anxieties which might be linked to my porn consumption.

That’s why I’m here and why I realized I need to change something. I have a huge potential to live an awesome life and I will use that potential.

I am far away from being ‘healed’. I often fight with the urges and this inner voice which tells me that I deserve watching porn. But I can tell you guys, even if I relapse from time to time, as long as I always jump back on the horse and continue my journey I notice slow but positive changes.

Tell me what you think and share your stories. As I said, it is helpful to see what other people’s struggles are.