My recovery journal: The Sequel

Hi there!

Fairly new to this group, and was advised to start a journal here as well. I was previously a different name (lacroix) but was advised that name could be triggering. So I come to you as a new man in more ways than one!

A little about me: I'm 24, and currently in School studying Japanese. I'm living pretty far from my family so sometimes the isolation is hard. I've been addicted to porn for 10 years now, and I've attempted to quit more times than I can count. I'm very ashamed of my past and myself. I can't believe all the time I've wasted and how far in I let myself go. One of the hardest parts of porn addiction is the way it warps you into someone you don't recognize. I'm also a returning Christian. I walked away from my church when I was younger due to issues I had with hypocrisy and behavior and teachings I didn't believe were right and I kinda put those onto all of Christianity. Unfortunately, I think Christianity has more poor examples than any other belief system. However, I have long felt the absence of God in my life. I finally started to seek him out again, this time with a relationship that was more personal than I had before. While I'm sure I will always have doubts and gripes with other believers, I can't let those distract me from God, and must put them aside. God is the ultimate, he is the only one who can show me the path to a more fulfilling life, joy, and ultimately his kingdom.

So with that, here is day one of my Journal!

 

Day1:
So far so good! Day 1 is usually pretty hard after a relapse because you can get this idea in your head that says "well you gave in yesterday, what's one more day gonna hurt?" We really are broken. Part of our nature is self-destructive. Like Paul says in Romans 7:19 (had to look that up) "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing." However, I've been trying to practice calling out to God during times of temptation, the second I have any kind of impulse I just say "God help me." I want to make that a habit rather than immediately acting on them. I think a place I also need to be more mindful of, is looking at women I come across in real life. Of course there a lot of beautiful women out there, but porn puts us in a place where we want to possess them as objects, even though it would be an endless task to possess all them, we teach ourselves that's what they are for, to look at and lust after. I want to make sure I'm not absent-mindedly lusting after anyone. I think lust is a word that can be easily misunderstood. Noticing a beautiful woman and seeing her is not a sin. However, harboring on that gaze, looking at her as if her purpose is your own pleasure, that's sin. We are all hard-wired to find people attractive, and finding people attractive is fine! But we must also honor them as images of God. Show them respect as fully realized people, that have trauma, pain, and beauty in their hearts. People who have talents and dreams.

To close today's journal I want to say something that I suppose some might think is controversial. I've always wondered if Jesus faced sexual temptation. We know he was without sin, but temptation in itself is not a sin as long as you turn to God and not give in to it. I guess it would be interesting to know, but I can rest easy knowing that he will at least save me from mine!

 

what a great verse. Thank you!

 

Day 3:

Didn't get to this til late！I'm about to head to thw airport, but wanted to update this first.　Not a lot of issues, last night at work we had a lot of really attractive girls come through, but I feel I did a pretty good job of not staring and also not like, sexualizing them. I've also been exercising calling on God when I start getting urges or even thinking about porn in a nonrecovery way. So that's progress!!

Some things I need to watch out for, I'm not feeling great about my appearance lately, which I know can lead to me acting out. So I need to remind myself of my inherent worth and really try to teach myself that I have desirable qualities that go beyond appearances. Any person I would want to be involved with would not like me because I don't look perfect. I also need to be careful about my jokes. I joke around a lot but I'm noticing just how much my jokes can go to a sexual area. Definitely don't want that to be like a staple of my speaking. Anyway, that's all for now! Gonna go see my family I'll update tomorrow from my hometown!

 

Day 4:

late update!
I flew in early this morning and my mom and siblings picked me up from the airport. I love being around my family. I took a nap and then saw my best friends. We just hung out and goofed around, which was a lot of fun. I’m happy to be back home. I feel like the people here truly care about me.

I’ve been struggling with the idea of coming clean. There are secrets I have, that I wonder if I should tell. Would it be better to put them out there? Or is it better to let the past die and to move forward? I’ll pray about it more.

anyway, I’m hopeful my time
With my friends and family, will help me in my recovery.

I’ll update again tomorrow!

 

Mostly just to friends! Like I don’t know how honest to be !

 

Day 5:

Another good day of being around people I like. I hung out with a friend today and his sister. Brief storytime. When I was younger, around 18 years old (I'm 24 now) I had a short relationship with My friend's sister. I really liked her, she liked me. Her family liked me. It seemed to be going well but that's when the results of not only mental health but also PMO began to show. I had a hard time connecting, empathizing, and all that. I ruined it pretty quick, and we didn't talk for a while. During that time I acted out like crazy. I ruined myself sexually by hooking up with people I had no feelings for, I even tried to sleep with one our mutual friends who I wasn't even attracted to. (thankful for the ED in that case. Could have been a lot worse if I went all the way. Anyway, we eventually got on good terms but we never really talked. This year, we started talking again and more frequently. I saw her today as well. I think I have feelings for her but not the same when I was younger. Not the obsessive way I did when I was younger but more of just an overall fondness for her as a person. Those feelings make me feel guilt though. I don't know how much she knows about the way I behaved back then and part of me is worried that if she knew, she wouldn't want me in her life again. I dunno lmao. I just be thinkin.

But my day was very GOOD. I had a lot of fun and picked my dad up from the airport. I love being back home. No urges today!
Let's keep it going. I'm on a journey to a more christlike existence.

 

about pmo and also my past behaviors.

 

day 6:

Hung out with friends and family today. While with my friend at the store I was noticing girls a lot more and had to remind myself to not stare. I don't want superficial relationships in my life. If I want to be loved beyond my looks, I have to make sure I am loving others beyond theirs. My time with my family today was great. Had a lot of fun looking at the lights. Being with my family brings out the best in me I think. I'm thankful they're all good examples of following Christ as well. z
That's all for today！

 

day 8:

Had an excellent Christmas! Spent the whole day with family. I'm missing romantic intimacy though.
I'm kind of craving that kind of relationship but need to wait until it's right. Thankful for all the good people in my life, I'll mamage!

 

Day 11:

still haven't relapsed but I did edge. I'm gonna reset if I do it again though. No loop holes. I know I can do this! Sorry for the short and sparatic updates, my days are pretty full lately.I'm gonna try to get one done every night though.