My recovery journal: The Sequel

yeah, it is definitely not a habit I want to form

 

I don't even want to post this, but I know I need to. I relapsed last night. But not with porn, it was through a conversation with someone I know. I think addiction to sexting is usually what I replace porn with. It becomes another obsession and it's one of those things where I don't know how to stop it once it starts. I feel so, just heavy and done with myself right now. My relationship with sex is one of compulsion. A person who is not addicted to sexual stimulus does not need to ritualize it. But I always try and make it last as long as possible. It feels like I'm fundamentally just broke, which I know we all are. I hate this feeling, I hate being addicted, I hate having to walk on eggshells around myself. I don't even want to talk about it and I sure as hell don't want to be writing this. I just know I need to acknowledge it.
I feel like giving up, and I can't feel God's presence.

 

Alright, let's start again.
I'm an addict. Porn will always be off-limits to me. However, I need to save myself and my sexuality. I need to be an example of good. I need to be a person I can be proud of. I need to learn to work through the struggles. I need to learn to reach out to God during times of temptation. I need help outside of myself. This addiction only takes it, it is loveless and it is cruel. It is a deliberate manipulation of our desires and warps what is good into something deranged and cruel. I want to live porn free AND compulsion free.
This is the first day. I pray you can all support and guide me during my weak points.

 

I got stuck in the relapse cycle.
The only good news is I have learned some more lessons. I act out when I feel deprived of love. I think my addiction is fueled by the inefficiency of giving and receiving love. The next is I need to stop the shame cycle. I need to realize that I am forgiven. I am able to struggle and fight to be better with the full support of not only this community but God as well. I started a porn addiction bible study today. I will also make visiting this forum a response temptation so I can learn from everyone's success and their struggles. The hard part is I want different things when I'm in the midst of the addiction, I need to find away to ground myself.

 

Definitely still struggling. Feels like my head is polluted with pornographic imagery. It just feels stuck in my mind. I can persevere but it is definitely a struggle. What an insane world we live in where it has become so accepted. I need to remember though that there are countless victims that are victims of the industry and I need to hate the product not the people.