my relapse stages

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by illmakeit, Nov 22, 2016.

  1. illmakeit

    illmakeit New Fapstronaut

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    1- I start thinking how it's awesome to be in love, and have someone that cares about every single thing you do, you become her first priority, and she becomes your's, someone that believes in you and you become happy just by thinking about her, and your dreams are all centered around her smile and around having some kids that you raise together with more love.
    2- then here comes the problem, which is mainly my concept of love:
    I don't speak with any girl about anything informal, because I believe that no girl can befriend a man without him being attracted to her -the "When Harry met Sally" dilemma- and I'll never try to have a girlfriend because the whole girlfriend idea makes me feel like I'm shopping or something.
    so my main idea is that I'll never be in love till I be in love.
    3- now I start thinking about watching a romantic movie or read some novel, but with all these concepts in my head I'm not easily satisfied, most romantic movies (to me) focus on the sexualization of the relationship and not so much about love (though there are some fantastic ones of course but I can't be repeating them again and again )
    and for the novels I haven't really tried them yet, but I think that's where the movies come from,
    so being frustrated that there is no real easing thing I can do, I enter stage 4
    4- now I start watching some random movie that could be good or I look for some beautiful girls, but being on the internet and having no care or emotions at all from any of them, I start seeing them as just objects and instead of searching for love or a bit of it, I start entering the final stage
    5- this stage will be quick cause I don't really know much about it, all I know is that my lust starting taking over and out of a sudden I'm a changed man
    my heart ,my mind and my fantasies are completely changed I think I become like mainly derived by desire and experiments.

    in my early days in watching PMO or even some days now this other me don't just go like that some times it even convinces me that I'm bi some others it convinces me that there is no love at all it's just sex, in those day I have almost looked at every girl in every street sexually.
    but as I have started to keep away from any one, movie, ads who talk sexually about girls or objectify them in any way and keep away from PMO and keep it on pics only as much as possible I noticed that those fantasies and this weird character is only limited to watching PMO, now if I looked at a girl and I found her beautiful then it's mainly because how she has a heavenly face or beautiful eyes or some really interesting behavior but i'm not concerned that much about her body anymore.

    but the important thing is that i'm always bulled to this final stage sometimes even without entering the first ones, and that is ruining my life.

    right now I have almost no plan but to cut the net or live away from it for at least 21 days so I can break this habit, but this is a real extreme solution as everything depends on the net in somehow and as I'm supposed to graduate from the faculty of computer science in two years so I need the computer.
    I have been like this for almost 3 years now, and though I have more control on my thoughts in daily life no plan means more relapses for me cause it means that I have failed and now I need to find someone who believe in me which puts me on stage 1

    so any idea would be helpful, as I'm not sure that after 21 days my curiosity won't bring me back and it'll be hard to explain to everyone
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2016
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    You understand that you mind is thinking about love improperly. Don't look at love and romance as sex. Men and women can be just friends.
     
    badeae1 likes this.
  3. badeae1

    badeae1 Fapstronaut

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    For starters journaling here daily helps tremendously.

    In terms of computers could you place filters??

    Wishing you the very best
    Stay clean
     
    illmakeit likes this.

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