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My relationship situation

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Thanatos, Apr 13, 2015.

  1. Thanatos

    Thanatos Fapstronaut

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    I'm in an odd place now relationship wise, I have a girlfriend, but she is from another country and can't get a visa to come back yet. I like my gf, but I don't love her. I'm not sure I know what love is to be honest.
    I also work with a woman that I am incredibly attracted to and have a crush on, but that I think is out of reach, I can't tell though, because people are different at work and she always smiles at me and touches my arm and things like that, which to me are signals in the outside world that it's ok to talk to her more, but at work might be completley meaningless.
    I work with my crush and whenever I see her I get that dropping feeling in my chest.
    Prior to this I've only had that feeling with maybe 2 other girls in my life. It's rare for me to feel that.
    So with my crush I think it's probably just physical attraction, but why don't I feel that dropping feeling more often if it's physical attraction? There are tons of attractive women where I live, but I don't have that strong feeling towards them even if I approach them and try to talk, I only get it with this one woman that I work with. I feel blinded towards my crush, I keep wanting her to do something that is such a turn off or something that is so wrong that I won't feel anything for her. She is a single mom and that didn't do anything to slow down my thoughts about her, which normally would just be something that I wouldn't want to deal with, not to be a jerk, but dating a single mom would be a lot of responsiblity and the kid is always going to come first.
    I guess what I'm getting at is I just wish that I had these stupid feelings with my girlfriend instead of my crush, or if I could just kill these thoughts and feelings for my crush at the very least I would be better off.
    I want to be loyal to my gf, but long distance is killer and besides even when she was here I never thought of her in the same way, of course my gf does have a lot of great qualities personality wise and physically, I've just never had strong feelings in the relationship or any relationship for a longtime.

    Anyways, what are your thoughts on love and strong feelings or lack there of?
    Do you need to have strong feelings in order to love someone, or is love more about action?
    Is love a prerequisite to a successful relationship or can it get stronger as you go along?
    Do you chose who to love? and if thats the case, how?
     
  2. 20cents

    20cents Fapstronaut

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    • You sound young and cannot tell between lust, infatuation and love yet. The differences are nuanced but clear once you fall in love. Love is different from the other two because it's stable, it's predictable and it makes you feel secure; the other two are rushes. Figure out the differences.
    • Love is about emotions driving action; so yes.
    • There should be some sort of direction towards love in the early stages, even if there's no "love" yet (love comes slow). It should grow stronger as you go along; so yes and no.
    • I don't like to see it as me choosing a person to love; rather, it's me choosing to remove the cap stopping me from feeling completely in love with someone. I only do that when I'm completely sure.
    All in all, trust you gut feelings. If you have no feelings for your current girlfriend, let her know; work at it before you give it up by breaking up.

    Relationships are complicated, and it doesn't sound like you're ready to be completely committed yet. That's okay if that's the case, but be honest with yourself, and don't lead your long-distance girlfriend on.
     
    Thanatos and NoBrainer like this.
  3. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Porn can mask your feelings of love for sure so abstaining can help a lot. I think you'd know the difference between love and lust with your coworker. Do you know her very well? Do you know her personality at all? Is this just a projection of who you think she is or do you actually know who she is. Know what I mean?

    Lust brings two people together. That butterfly in the stomach feeling of attraction is the beginning stages. This eventually wears off and you settle into a comfortable "best friend" sort of feeling. Your physical attraction doesn't go away and you still want to have sex with them. When they are away from you, you miss them etc. You feel attraction towards others, even in committed relationships and that is normal also. I think "crushes" can also happen but the thought of giving up what you have in your love relationship makes you feel sick and that you'd lose the most important person in your life. That is love! It's an acknowledgment that you are human and attracted to others but choosing your love over that lust. I find other men attractive and some I would consider dating if my husband and I ever divorced but I would never ever give up what I have with my husband for them. He is the one I want and it is a no brainer for me.

    Did you ever have that butterfly feeling with your current gf? Being in a long distance relationship is tough because you can start to grow apart.
     
    Thanatos and Blondewife like this.
  4. Thanatos

    Thanatos Fapstronaut

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    I've been with her 6 months, and out of those 6 months, 3 months were together, before she moved.
    I don't know if I want to talk to her about my problem, especially long distance. Perhaps in person, but that might be a couple of months.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
  5. Thanatos

    Thanatos Fapstronaut

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    I do not know my coworker crush all that well, which is why I think it's more physical, but again it's confusing for me, because I know when I'm just super physically attracted to someone and when that is the dominant driver. This feeling is not just that, though it could just be a very intense/rare form of physical attraction.
    I wish I could get to know my coworker better so I could figure out what this feeling is, but at the same time I would be just as happy if the feeling didn't exist and I never had to feel anything like that again.
    I've never had strong emotions towards my current gf. I like her and we share a lot of humour, and we don't have any problems being intimate, but if she left me I would just start over and I wouldn't have too much trouble doing so. It's a relationship that's more like a friendship, theres really nothing to distinguish it for me from a very close friendship.
    I feel like I might just be expecting "love" to feel a certain way and it's difficult for me to let go of this expectation.
    Society/hollywood/media kind of describe love as something intense, maybe it's not?
    So this is my real problem.... I had a two year relationship where I did consider myself to be in love and since then I've been comparing every relationship to that one.
    In that relationship I had really strong emotions that never died the whole time we were together, I would have done anything for her, but it really wasn't a healthy realtionship and I'm happy that I'm out of that relationship, but I'm still not past the association of love and I keep looking for similar strong feelings.
     

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