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my relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by weejian, Sep 15, 2015.

  1. weejian

    weejian Fapstronaut

    hey guys,jz to share with all of u,i wana ask if anyone been through this.i have this gf,we are now together fr almost 2 years.shes good,not hot but cute,nice girl,smart,brave and etc.she have brought so much changes to my life,from a depressed and anti social person,lazy,not good in studies and some bad attitude.after i met her,my life changed tremendously.in that cycle,alot have happened.but she was brave enough and didnt gave up on me,we broke up alot of times,but i pleased her back because i found something special in her.she comes back everytime.but shes not perfect and stuff,she have some bad attitudes ,being very mean,being a person,mostly anger management issues and very bossy.she would want me to be perfect,she gets angry for the small mistakes i do,for her,its big.shes insecure on her future and and life,thats why she tend to leave when she thinks i cant change.she never have cheated on me,she even gave up her friends for me,as for me,i dont have much...she have financial issues,and im jz an average dude.everything is jz fine with this relationship,but when arguments happen,shit hits the fan,bad things happen,it give me depression.i feel anxious when shes not happy or mad at me.so i would always let her win,so that she can move on,things thing goes on till she looks like the dominant in this relationship.today,things were all fine,we talked about it and she said since i want to be the dominant,then ok,she would listen to me,but i doubt it,because things like this cant be forced.we even had sexy time today,then later we started to argue.it was so sudden,she got her driving license but she dont own a car,so i would always let her drive mine.she scratched it by moving too close to another car,ive asked her to stop when she got close,but she didnt listen,jz slowed down.then i yelled when she hit it,and she got angry at me saying why i had to yell at her?i explained and she got emotionless,i didnt like to see her like tht,so i said sorry to her fr yelling and she still being like tht.ive try to comfort and still no changes,so i got frustrated,i told her tht i dont like looking at her being like this,all i wanted was for her to be happy.then we argued about how i didnt give her time to go through her phase...so i said fine,i jz stay quiet.way back home,i offered her to drive,in the car,i try to tell her tht its not a big deal,lets jz move on and be happy,then she got angry,things went out of hand and i started to yell because she is speeding,she yelled back and started to cry,saying i dont understand her and says she hate me,she went home,i feel so depressed now,ive send a message saying im sorry for yelling ,and told her if she needs time,i will give her.stilll no replies.i jz dont undertand her emotion,find tht girls are hard to understand.sorry for the long long post and my english.pls give me suggestion.thank you fro the one who read this
  2. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    It sounds like you may have personal issues where you indicate, but she has a lot of personal issues, too, and baggage that she's carrying that makes her behavior erratic. There also seems to be various, destructive codependencies between you that require one to take the aggressor mode and the other the victim mode at one moment, and then perhaps turn the tables the next moment. The codependent behavior is indicative of an immature relationship, and she sounds like she has erratic mood swings and issues with the realities of life - nothing and no one is ever perfect, even though each and every one of us in a relationship (both he and she, not just he) can improve and strive to be a better person. But this will never happen with an immature partner on either side (or both sides). It doesn't seem like this relationship has any stable ground to survive on in its current unfolding. If it's worth it to you, some couple's counseling from a third party might be in order - or, just find another more suitable partner. I sense also that both of you are young still - just because you're both in a relationship doesn't mean that either of you has found your life partner. Your continued break-ups may be indicative of this. Perhaps you should not be so ready to get back together the next time. Maybe it's time to move on. You say that you find something special in her - sure, everyone has good qualities. But, can you ultimately love this person and the life and living situation it will give you for the rest of your life. Without some other intervention, this is the best it gets - it only gets more complicated and goes more downhill from here if you don't have the right relationship tools and non-codependent bases of relating to each other. Best of luck.
    Handzfree and weejian like this.
  3. weejian

    weejian Fapstronaut

    @JoeinMD ,so what should i do?we were really good in the beginning of the relationship,even after the honeymoon phase.i dont wana leave her like this,i wanted to help her.she said she will change and make all this better,she realized tht i treated her good and she didnt .she says she want me to improve so that i could take care of her.but i jz hate that things like this keep happening.
  4. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    I think that all the facts are perhaps out in the open now, and the functional and dysfunctional aspects of your relationship are clear, correct? Or, is there still something you're still not clear about regarding how the relationship is going (not talking here about any decision you need to make, just the simple facts)?

    From here you need to make your own decision - no one can decide this for you.

    I really don't think the current state of affairs will be good for either of you. So, you will either need to bring in outside couples counselling, live on in the dysfunction, or separate. Only you can know.

    Best wishes!
    weejian and Handzfree like this.
  5. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

    JoeinMD is correct. Your current relationship is not built on love, but emotional dysfunction. In a codependent relationship, you let someone become more important to you than you are to yourself. This is why women who are physically abused sometimes stay in relationships where they are harmed.

    A healthy relation is built on trust and allows both partners to be themselves, instead of trying to exert control. Partners change and meet each other's needs so they can become more mature. They do not change their partner to be like themselves.

    I also agree that it would be very good to get counseling. Very honestly, your relationship is hurting you both. You can only change yourself and not her. Since it is hurting you both you will have to come to a point of deciding what is best for you both... Stay together and fight over and over, separate or change. And if even if you are able to come to a point of personal satisfaction in who you are and be self confident. There is no guarantee she will change.

    I think it would be best if you both agreed to see other people and see how it goes, get counseling or take time away from each other for a few months.

    I wish you the best.

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