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My selfdestructing life

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by thedutchman, Sep 23, 2015.

  1. thedutchman

    thedutchman Fapstronaut

    Pfff.. even putting these first letters on this page seem useless. Nevertheless i'm going to tell my story from begin to end. Not that i see any use of it. Not that i write it for you guys or for myself. Not to feel sorry for myself or seek attention. I don't have answers. Mostly questions.

    Im a regular guy. Just like you. I dont vote extremely left or right. Im well educated. Im a teacher for godsake. But somehow i dont have grip on my own life.

    I was raised in a big warm family. 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I still have a great relationship with them all. My parents still support me. Even now im 26, i have a steady relationship with a amazing girl and a job you can come home with.

    When im 13 i first looked at adult material. And it grew. I ones got caught by my dad and he said: "dont do it". Not angry, just concerned. I knew every dude around me looks on the i-net for "stuff".

    I really got into it when i was 18. For 6 years it was a huge drive for me, assuming that most guys did it also. And then i had to mature. Start being responsible, make difficult choices. Everytime something hard happened i didnt react, i just said, it was cool and put my frustrations on the thing we all have problems with: PMO.

    Right know im 26, still fighting. Sometimes i have 2 good days. But that is tops. It always starts the same. Im alone, i didnt do it it for a few hours or days. I deserved it. I give into it and the rest of the day is a blur. When im finished after 4-6 hours i start eating all nasty shit i kind find, drink or order. After that sessions of tv, gaming or youtube. When my girl is done working im done with my "session". I wake up. I feel shame, guilt, hate myseld. not again.

    My gf wants to help. But i dont now how. The blur in my head controls me. Bottom line, i dont want anymore. Reality check: its not that simple. From one addiction to another. I even started drinking during. Guess what i liked it.

    Try some tricks you may say, go to a doctor, find help! I did all that. The last 6 years is me fighting against these bad habits which destroy me from the inside. Thats how feel.

    The sad thing is that in 2 days, i will be here again. Did the same stupid stuff, feel the same regret, be blurry and foggy in my head. Sometimes, even i lose hope.

    P.s. i dont normally express feelings that much. Just ventilating my thoughts. Thx.
    Calm likes this.
  2. Pirlo23

    Pirlo23 Fapstronaut

    To get rid of this you have to want to get better. It took me a while to understand, I relapsed many many times. Talk to your girlfriend it will really help, having someone to support you through this is very important. If you don't trust yourself then install a web blocker like K9. I also recommend replacing the time you used with something productive, go for a run, read a book, study, work, hang out with friends or girlfirend, go to the gym, build an aeroplane model, whatever keeps you busy.

    Like I said in order to do this you have to want to get better, if you don't want to deep down then you won't. My first two weeks were the toughest ones, the urges were really strong. After that I got into the "flatline" which helped me a lot, your libido goes down and you get less and less urges. I'm on day 38, if I can do it (and I watched porn everysingle day and loved it) you can do it to. There's a huge win on this, you will feel much more conected to reallity, Sex with you're girlfriend will be intimate and beautiful, it will help you appreciate life a lot more. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is one of my favourite quotes: "Ever tried, ever failed, dosen't matter, try again. Fail again, fail better!"
    Calm likes this.
  3. Calm

    Calm Fapstronaut

    I really hate to post this law of attraction video, and I can't stand sounding cliche or rambling about your thoughts creating your reality, but in this situation I don't think there is any other option @thedutchman, you need to focus on success and improvement, not on your past mistakes and shortcomings my friend, I had to learn the hard way, mmmkay I've been below the bottom brother,

    Choose your thoughts wisely bro,

    Last edited: Sep 24, 2015
  4. monkotto

    monkotto Fapstronaut

    setting a goal is very important. maybe 10 days or 14 days pmofree. try to reach this goal at any cost. it will be very hard. you must fight. you must be strong - and relapsing is not dying. start again after a relapse.
    good luck.
  5. Son_of_Iroquois

    Son_of_Iroquois Fapstronaut

    My experience: inner conflict only works against you. Trying to fight built up memories and guilt is a losing battle. The way you've framed your problem in your OP only stacks the odds against you. Instead of punishing yourself, try forgiveness of your past. Start over each day, and focus only on that day, not being free forever. This will reduce the pressure you put on yourself
    SnowWhite and lambo77 like this.
  6. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

    I think it is all about self control, if its really tough now, you have to take small steps. Like getting through 1 day etc. or eating a little less junk food
  7. Bro,
    I was where you are for a long time. I have improved by far (even though my counter suggests otherwise). This "blur" thing that you're talking about was something i have lived for with years..I did not know about anything to what had happened to me. Through unceasing efforts and never giving up i got better. Now the blur phase is gone, it's there but still significantly lesser. I still feel at times that my day passed in a blur. You have so much in life that you could lose if you don't change your ways. The thing is bro initially i did the "usual" recommended things and find them to no use too. I ignored quite a few of them too. But the truth is these things work (they always do) only if you make them work. You have to stick with them. Do it no matter if you fap half a dozen times or drank a whole keg. You must believe in yourself no matter what, even if the whole world gives up on you. Get an accountability partner, start meditating( twice a day 15 mins before and after sleeping at night everyday did wonders for me,but you have to put your mind to it really for it to work. It will kick the blur in the nuts), exercising (Yeah yeah..i know it will suck but it is infact the wonder drug against addiction. It will help with the blur thing) and do more /act how you really are.
    You might think boohoo..i've already done all this stuff..what does this ahole know about my problems..but trust me man, i do. I lost plenty of stuff to this thing. You would too eventually..unless you change. You have people who love you and if you love them too, you must resolve to do right by them no matter what. This is the way through this thing. There is no other way. The only way out of a problem, is through it. You have to persevere with things that will help you against it. Never ever give up no matter what happens.
  8. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

    I really really like your post.
    "Instead of punishing yourself, try forgiveness of your past."
    YES -- That's the secret key, exactly what I have found also for me. In earlier years, I was always "fighting" myself. And I always lost. Because in fact, you cannot fight yourself. Then, 2 yeas ago, I suddenly understood that you need to go the different way: Love yourself, respect yourself, forgive yourself, understand that every behaviour is a part of you. And in that moment, my healing truly began.

    Thank you for posting this!

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