TheProdigalSpun
Fapstronaut
I decided instead of constantly adding to my self-intro thread, to start a new one here and turn it into a journal. Prior posts copied over below.
Day 1: Self-Introduction Thread
Hello world,
I'm 35, married to the love of my life with a wonderful family. And I am miserable. I have been using porn since I was 8 years old, when I was introduced to it by my sexual abuser. The abuse ended when I was about 14, but porn has been part of my life ever since. Porn use has outlasted countless girlfriends, plagued my marriage, and despite my best "efforts" I've never been able to be free from it for a sustained period of time. I've been able to "cut-back", go cold turkey for weeks at a time, but I've always relapsed. I have been coping the last few years by telling myself I would manage it as a harmless habit. But is a habit that I keep secret from my wife really harmless? Is it even just a habit if I can't stop this thing that I take no joy in? I bought "Your Brain on Porn" a couple of years ago in anticipation of having the "sex talk" with my oldest son, but it has sat dormant in my Audible library as I've been too afraid to hear it for myself. Last week, I decided to begin abstinence and start the book. It has been 7 days today since I have watched porn, and I am on Chapter 5. I am now fully convinced that I have an addiction, and have been dishonest with myself in not calling it that before.
I have already experienced some of the triggers that would normally lead me to using porn again - even shopping for a new sport coat can be treacherous with women's swim suit ads on Google. An hour alone in my house and I feel anxious, unable to even take a nap without "making use" of this found time by myself. The YBoP book has helped me by reminding me to watch for these triggers and realize the danger they pose to my abstinence - I come from a family of alcoholics (supported my brother during his recovery/sobriety) and reframing my problem along the lines of addiction has made me realize how crucial it is for me to not let my guard down in these situations. It has also helped me realize I can't do this alone, and so here I am. I dont even know what I'm going to do next, but I don't want to do it alone. Thanks for having me here.
Day 8:
Day 8 in the books and it was harder than Day 7. I know it's only the first leg of an endless journey, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of the day I wake up and dont feel the conviction I feel today.
Day 9:
Day 9 has been hard because I've been feeling good today. It's frustrating that even feeling good can be dangerous. One of my problems is loving myself in a way that is healthy. I tend to come down too hard on myself when I feel that I have failed, but when I want to reward myself I look for unhealthy behaviors and tell myself I've earned it or it's okay because right now things are okay and so this must be okay.
I am not falling into that trap today. I found my alone time, my most vulnerable time, and I focused that energy on work and coming to this forum instead of acting out. Not today, Death!
Day 1: Self-Introduction Thread
Hello world,
I'm 35, married to the love of my life with a wonderful family. And I am miserable. I have been using porn since I was 8 years old, when I was introduced to it by my sexual abuser. The abuse ended when I was about 14, but porn has been part of my life ever since. Porn use has outlasted countless girlfriends, plagued my marriage, and despite my best "efforts" I've never been able to be free from it for a sustained period of time. I've been able to "cut-back", go cold turkey for weeks at a time, but I've always relapsed. I have been coping the last few years by telling myself I would manage it as a harmless habit. But is a habit that I keep secret from my wife really harmless? Is it even just a habit if I can't stop this thing that I take no joy in? I bought "Your Brain on Porn" a couple of years ago in anticipation of having the "sex talk" with my oldest son, but it has sat dormant in my Audible library as I've been too afraid to hear it for myself. Last week, I decided to begin abstinence and start the book. It has been 7 days today since I have watched porn, and I am on Chapter 5. I am now fully convinced that I have an addiction, and have been dishonest with myself in not calling it that before.
I have already experienced some of the triggers that would normally lead me to using porn again - even shopping for a new sport coat can be treacherous with women's swim suit ads on Google. An hour alone in my house and I feel anxious, unable to even take a nap without "making use" of this found time by myself. The YBoP book has helped me by reminding me to watch for these triggers and realize the danger they pose to my abstinence - I come from a family of alcoholics (supported my brother during his recovery/sobriety) and reframing my problem along the lines of addiction has made me realize how crucial it is for me to not let my guard down in these situations. It has also helped me realize I can't do this alone, and so here I am. I dont even know what I'm going to do next, but I don't want to do it alone. Thanks for having me here.
Day 8:
Day 8 in the books and it was harder than Day 7. I know it's only the first leg of an endless journey, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of the day I wake up and dont feel the conviction I feel today.
Day 9:
Day 9 has been hard because I've been feeling good today. It's frustrating that even feeling good can be dangerous. One of my problems is loving myself in a way that is healthy. I tend to come down too hard on myself when I feel that I have failed, but when I want to reward myself I look for unhealthy behaviors and tell myself I've earned it or it's okay because right now things are okay and so this must be okay.
I am not falling into that trap today. I found my alone time, my most vulnerable time, and I focused that energy on work and coming to this forum instead of acting out. Not today, Death!