My sexuality was always screwed - I need help!

I feel like porn and the internet are what ruined most of us.

I remember being a kid, an average kid and teenager and finding normal women attractive. I remember having crushes in middle and high school. Then, I remember having my first wet dream to a plus size woman. That somehow left a big imprint on my brain. I realized in my brain I liked bigger women at the time. So maybe I'm trying to think that nofap and quitting this will make me attracted to thinner women again? Idk...my first girlfriend was thin, but I was 18 and never masturbated before then and my first sexual orgasm was with her (and it was fucking great!) But I started masturbating to bigger women and then had a fetish that went with it. It escalated to cuckold shit later on. That one is easier to walk away from and I'm done with it for good, because when I leave it I forget about it.

The bigger women thing and all is a mind fuck. I find women who are interested in me all the time, but I never have sexual interest because they are thin - or if they don't have a fetish taht I have I don't even want to proceed because I'm terrified. Legitimately terrified I will be labeled as a pervert.

I've been slipping out with M more and more. Withdrawn from the fetish sites and just don't feel like I have hope. No, never made it to 90 days but my god this is tough. I always get scared because I don't always wake up with a morning wood or I don't have spontaneous erections during the day - I'm 34 btw. And I just feel like it's all downhill from here.

My dick is so desensitized when I fap it just seems to numb now...I always am too firm with it. Is there any fucking way out of this hell? The only time I ever made it to those 30 day streaks was when I was on a fucking antidepressant. Being off of them makes it that much worse.

Lately too, with online dating and of course this addiction - everything with women feels transactional, like either I'm just depressed as fuck and don't believe in love anymore, or I am learning how the world works and maybe my younger mind was nieve? I don't know...

Keep in mind, I was labeled with general anxiety disorder and major depression and used to struggle with hocd in my early 20s.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

 

You've been brainwashed by society to believe that orgasms are the most important thing in life, and without it, life is just half full and you're missing out on something.

That's horseshit of course. The reason you're into bigger women is because it's considered taboo (you said you're afraid of being called a perv), so of course the bigger the taboo the bigger the orgasm.

Anyway, if you want to break free to need to get rid of that brainwashing. You can read my latest posts if you want

 

I read your posts and you repeat yourself.

 

I need some light shed upon my situation idk what to do at this point. So my whole life I’ve liked women since I could remember in 4 th grade having a crush on my teacher who was a black women. And when I hugged her the euphoria I felt was something I can’t ever forget. I was introduced to porn at a very young age of 9 and at the time I didn’t like it. I thought it was nasty but as I grew older and kept watching the more I fell into the whole that I now feel like I’m to deep to get out of ( im 21) now. Through out the years I’ve been in a few relationships and a lot of crushed which were all women, not one have I ever thought about a man sexually. One faithful day in high school a buddy of mine said he wanted to write a song about me and I found myself holding back a smile, after smiling a flood of thoughts regarding my sexual orientation, thus began the cycle of hocd, the questioning the ticks the visceral feeling of fear and anxiety that ran my life for a long time, I wouldn’t make male friends with the fear that I would develop feeling for them or that they secretly had some for me, I couldn’t sleep on a certain side of my bed or eat certain foods for that fear that I would become gay.

this continued thought out quarantine to the point where I was breaking down to my mother about it. While this happened I began to obsessively think I was sick and I had Covid 19. We went back and forth to the hospital just for them to feel me I was fine. This later went away. I get a new job and fall for a girl harder than I have ever fallen for anyone ever. But she seemed like the feelings weren’t mutual, so instead of my hocd running my life it was worry’s about her and if she was ok and if she would sneak away to kiss other dudes. The hock thoughts were still present.
So one day I discover ashwaganda and I did research on it and decided I would take it. It felt good for a little while, I was able to carry conversations and look the girl in the eye and everything, the hocd thoughts were there but almost muted in a way, I felt myself loosing touch with who I am as a person, then I decided to stop taking it because I couldn’t remain erect (ik what ur thinking it’s supposed to do the complete opposite). But it didn’t, I felt my emotions go away and I felt numb, the feelings for the girl felt muted but the hocd only got worse and worse. I couldn’t think of a women sexually without the thought of a naked man popping up in my head. I began to freak out and question my self even more because I had believed that I had gotten over it. Which brings me to this month. The hocd thoughts persist but I seem to either accept them or they just don’t bother me, my male friends I have made have become trigger people. I am either afraid that they think I’m gay and like me or I like them and I don’t wanna say it or believe it. I can’t look at a conventionally attractive dude without worrying that I’ll catch feelings for him. My anxiety when it comes to talking to women isn’t here anymore is like I’m anxious to talk to dudes that were my friends now. The thoughts aren’t what bother me it’s how I react to them that scares me or the lack of a reaction, I’ve had a mental breakdown and tried to get turned on by homosexual porn and I don’t but it feels like I will but it never happens. I still get turned on by straight porn but Idek if that’s real anymore, I’ve been having gay dreams and dreams about my sexuality a lot and it just adds to the anxiety. I feel numb I can’t even think about a women without the thought of a man popping into my head. Testing my self in my head using my friends and random men I see yields no results. Everytime I see an attractive dude I question my self and make up scenarios in my head of us in a romantic relationship and I just feel a brief feeling of disgust then I’m just numb. The numb feeling makes me think I like it but how could I when I’ve never seen a dude in that manner. I can’t eat the candy I love or play certain characters in my game without the fear that It would prove to me that I’m gay. I have had a brief instance of pocd and tocd but it’s gone now.
I just want answers will I go back to the women loving man I once was or am I stuck like this?