Hi, I am crossposting this from another thread because I need help. I am not quite addicted to porn, but my problem is related. For a long time I have had deep desires to become a sissy permanently that I know come from feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it's best if I tell the story of my sexual evolution and why it brings me here: Childhood: I personally believe that there are many people who are born gay or trans, like there is no doubt about them from a very early age. For me this was not the case. In elementary school I had a very outgoing childhood and I started to like girls. At that age the only porn I was exposed to was Playboy centerfolds. My first sexual fantasies before puberty were simply staring at and objectifying the naked bodies of women. And then there were girls in school I had crushes on. This part of my life I would consider pretty normal. Middle school: My healthy sexual development continued into my tween years, but I'm sure it was those years that my maturation stalled. By the end of my childhood my family life had turned into a broken home. I was raised by my mother and had no positive male influence in my life. We moved to a new school area where I was suddenly the new kid with no friends. I did not have the confidence to ask out the girls I liked, and even if I had, they probably would have turned me down. I was unable to find the nerve to ask out the girl I was in love with, so I asked out her friend, who did reject me after all. Since I had such a positive childhood before those years, my self-esteem wasn't so low that I would settle for whatever female I could get, like some young men often do. I went a really long time never having a girlfriend. My porn interest escalated to late night cable television, literotica, VHS tapes and more hardcore magazines. Lesbian porn was my preference, specifically if one of the women was an experienced lesbian, while the other girl was bi-curious and maybe doing it for the first time. That was probably related to my own repressed bi-curious fantasies, which were developing. My ego was physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to girls and women. But because of feelings of rejection and emasculation, coupled with the onset of puberty, I began to MO privately to thoughts of submissive sexual acts with grown men. I was not attracted to males in real life and the fantasies were completely anonymous. Just me submitting and being sexually conquered by a masculine man with a hard erect penis. High school: As I started to get older, I still enjoyed fapping to lesbian porn, heterosexual porn with a sexy woman involved, and of course high school girls at my school. But in these fantasies I was never present. It was scene play or me watching from a distance. In the meantime, I had continued to be rejected and turned down by a handful of girls in junior high and high school, to the point where my emasculation and bi-curious fantasies spiraled further. We didn't have internet hookups 20 years ago, but there were these phone dating sites where you could call up and chat M4F, F4M, M4M, and F4F. I think I tried listening to ads in all of these out of curiosity but it was the M4M section I became addicted. Whenever I was home alone I would call and listen to gay and bi men leave ads looking for sex partners or dates and if I found one that I liked I would fap furiously. As soon as it was over I felt ashamed because most other times I was fapping to some of the sexiest girls at school, but I couldn't stop doing it nonetheless. Then before I knew it I was 17 and still couldn't get a girlfriend, another love interest turned me down, and I started to consider the possibility that I must be gay because girls don't like me. I started escalating to phone sex with a couple of those guys, and then almost went through with meeting but got scared/ashamed and backed out. 18-19: So after I graduated high school I was still a virgin but I finally got my first girlfriend. Not just some girl I settled for either; I mean I was really in love with this girl. All of the emasculated bi-curious fapping went away overnight. Sexual performance was a little difficult for me the first one or two times, but I eventually ejaculated and after that everything became real natural and easy-like. I think it goes to show that male sexuality can really depend on self-confidence and having a loving and compatible partner. Unfortunately she dumped me a few months later, got married the following year (at 19) and I was devastated. Immediately the bi-curious fapping returned and by then internet porn had become a thing. I was able to find gay pornography online but it wasn't all for me. I found that two masculine guys having sex together or two boyish twinks having sex together grossed me out. My preference was gay porn that involved one dominant masculine male and one younger submissive feminine boy. When fapping I would always imagine myself as the boy and I started to become repulsed by my masculinity. I would shave my body what I could without drawing attention to myself. I started to use sex toys and eventually began a sexual relationship with an online guy who was about 10 years older than me. I had no attraction to him, but it was a chance to act out my fantasy and his approach was chill enough that I didn't find him repulsive or creepy. Though after each meeting, I did feel shame and strong desires to purge. College: So I probably had sex with that guy less than half a dozen times and then I was back to dating girls when I belatedly started college. I had grown into a handsome and attractive young man from 18-20s, so unlike adolescence when I could never get a girlfriend, I suddenly found myself dating multiple attractive coeds and high school girls at once. I still felt a primary physical, sexual, and emotional attraction to females, but after so many years I couldn't purge those repressed bisexual urges of inadequacy and emasculation. When I had a breakup with a girlfriend or was sexually rejected in some way, I would meet a guy for sex. It got to the point where I was so tired of the conflict in my mind, that my fantasy became about meeting a guy who would turn me gay permanently. It was at this time that my sissy fantasy began to become reality. As I said, I was especially repulsed and turned off by my masculinity during M2M sexual encounters. I wanted to be that soft smooth feminine gay boy, so I finally started shaving my entire body head to toe. During an online fap session I came across some site with feminine gay boys wearing panties. That was the first time I started to think about crossdressing and feminization, since it just clicked for me. I had been trying to feminize myself without realizing it for so long. Soon after that I was addicted to TS porn and ever since I've never had gay fantasies or watched gay porn again in the last 10-15 years. All I thought about was moving far away where nobody knew me and starting over in life, forced to live as a girl. It was so far removed from my normal public personality though that it took a nervous breakdown for me to finally reach the point where, rather than doing something even more drastic like committing suicide, I started acting out my transition. I bought clothes and makeup and dressed as often as possible. My hair was naturally grown out and sometimes even braided or accessorized. I took endless selfies and body shots and loved posting them online for the attention of men. Once I was on hormones I found my body and mind were very happily receiving daily doses of estrogen. For the first time I was actually starting to find (some) men attractive. I completely stopped watching porn, even TS porn. My fantasy had become real life. As someone said earlier in the thread, looking like a female was what made the fantasy work for me. If I couldn't gradually become more and more feminine and passable, I would have been repulsed and stopped immediately. But the chemical imbalances in my brain were very pleasantly altered, and my body was becoming softer and ever so slightly more filled out. Although I was never to the point of being a full-time TS, I did have platonic TS girlfriends I went out with while dressed up. Mid-late 20s: Unlike when I was growing up, when I had a primary heterosexual identity and repressed bisexual urges, by this time my primary identity was to transition and date men. And I was trying to repress feelings that I still had from my whole life to meet a girl and traditionally fall in love (which I assumed from many years of experience would never happen or work out). I reached a point where my feminization was rapidly progressing and I was approaching a point of no return. I was honestly very happy with the changes permanent changes but sad to lose myself at the same time. It was a hard decision for me but I decided because of all the costs involved and uncertainty that I should take more time to make a more informed decision. And here I am, years later nothing has really changed for me. Except my sexual desires. Late 20s-30s: Sometime after I stopped intermittent use of hormones my male libido began to return. My interest in pornography returned. I remember some light BDSM and bukkake type pornography were my first interests. But I still had a mix of heterosexual fantasies and sissy fantasies. I began an online relationship with a black man in my late 20's. Previously I did not have any preference for different types of men even in fantasies. White black etc. it didn't matter to me. But I guess because black guys were different maybe I was a little curious and next thing I knew I was being introduced to interracial porn and interracial lifestyle. Our relationship was strictly online and phone sex but he loved to call me white this and white that and how he was my black man. One day he told me that he would kill me if I ever had sex with a white guy again and from then on I was black-only. I started watching interracial porn exclusively, even after our online relationship ended. I was constantly tempted to return to crossdressing, transitioning, and have sex with black men. To this day, other than sissy hypnosis, interracial sex (black man / white female or black man / white sissy) is the only porn that turns me on. Current: So anyway in the last however many years my dating life had fallen to zero as I am not comfortable or confident in my identity either way. I have not dressed or seriously feminized myself in several years and yet I have the fantasies when I'm feeling low all the time, which I satisfy by watching interracial porn and MO in the most sissy ways possible. When I watch porn it has to be amateur interracial, the black man has to finish completely (I love it) and I really prefer POVs where I can look up from the woman's perspective. Sometimes I just watch black men fap solo to completion. When I'm not watching porn, I have re-developed heterosexual fantasies as well. At first these were more of the jailbait barely-18 variety, but after awhile I moved on to dating sites where I would flirt with attractive women and use their pictures for my fantasies (pretty selfish of me to waste their time since I didn't have any intention to date). After I started a business and was doing well for myself, I started a relationship with a woman for the first time in many, many years. She didn't know any of this but she was comfortable with what she did know about me, which gave me some confidence. But my sex drive for her was low. Instead I've discovered SeekingArrangement, where I had become addicted to paying for an attractive college-aged girlfriend and having a daughter/girlfriend type of relationship with her. These sexual desires for an "arrangement" were extremely powerful to the point where I temporarily no longer had any interest in sissy stuff or interracial sex. But then what happened? My business quite suddenly and catastrophically failed and I went bankrupt. I had an immediate life crisis and my new fantasy came crashing down. Recently I reverted back to sissy porn but more specifically sissy hypnosis. I think a lot of what has been talked about on here is ineffective junk in my opinion but I did find some audio and video files that have started to make permanent changes. One is this Kim Kardashian brainwash recording that I started listening to with headphones where there are three or four different audio tracks from both speakers bombarding my mind with affirmations and confirmations about how I want to become more and more like Kim Kardashian and that I am sexually attracted to black men. I've started listening to this while I'm sleeping and it's weird because without this addiction I would find her to be a vile and vain empty woman but since I've become addicted to the recording all I want to do is become more and more like Kim Kardashian. I've signed up on Kim Kardashian forums and started watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I watch her sex tape over and over again wanting to emulate her. Now I find myself watching other sissy vids and constantly thinking about chastity and being with black men again. Like it's something that I can't stop thinking about every day. I'll try and do something and all of a sudden some of the triggers from the recording or sissy videos will pop into my mind and I start smiling and biting my lip I can't help it anymore. I just completely shaved my body and I'm tempted to start dressing again and thinking about transition. I realize this all because I feel like a failure in life. It's a cycle that has been repeating for 20+ years in various ways but I'm tired of the struggle. I have two sides to my personality or sexual identity that are not compatible with each other. I'm more concerned now than ever because since I've started listening to this Kim Kardashian M2F recording, I haven't had a normal male erection in several months. I'm not even 35 years old. Like if I were on hormones and transitioning I would understand its normal and a decision I made in life, but that's not the case. Once in awhile mentally I will want to have a sexual fantasy about a woman but when I try to MO, I cannot even get an erection anymore. Only as soon as I turn on the hypnosis recording and sissy videos or start looking at black men and interracial sex I instantly get a small erection and start getting wet and feel happy. Shortly after I'm rubbing myself furiously until I have a sissy orgasm which feels completely different from a fap ejaculation. I've even started to lose physical and sexual and emotional attraction to women. But my desire to permanently become a sissy for a black man to not just have sex with me but make love to me has never been stronger. I can honestly say that I am now physically and sexually attracted to black men. I don't know if I can make it go away. Part of me feels like this is a very dark place I've reached in my life and part of me feels like if I continue it would be the best possible thing that could ever happen to me. Like I've never been able to find peace in my life before and maybe I'm past the point psychologically where I could ever revert back. It's nice to find this community and maybe some support here. Is there any hope for me? What should I do?