My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by anewhope, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Married/with partner for 30 years. Lovely daughter in her teens. User of PMO at various levels throughout my adult life. Wife does not like it and we have rowed in the past but if it is infrequent and discreet she's OK. Our sex life dropped to zero for more than 3 years in her pre-menopause and menopause. She told me she never wanted sex with me again and it was a very bad time for both of us. Though we never discussed it at the time, she must have known I was PMO at the time as an outlet for my urges. Happily came out of that period about one year ago now and our relationship is back on strong footing again. However, I have continued to PMO in addition to having sex with my wife.

    Currently on planned one-year break from work and so am at home all the time. This is a great opportunity for me to have time for the family and solo projects too. I have many interests and am writing my first novel, which is about 75% finished. Wife and daughter are both night owls, while I am a lark. In other words, I typically rise at 05:00 while they don't get up until 10:00. [My wife does not work and we home educate my daughter]. This gives me up to 5:00 hours of time to do as I please and be really productive. However, I have found myself wasting much of that time in viewing P and M to it. It would be a criminal waste not to make good use of my year off and that is what finally drove me to NOFAP and a resolution, yesterday, to kick my P M habit.

    Throughout our marriage, I have tended to want sex more frequently than my wife and that has caused tensions in the past. [Her feeling pressured/pestered/obligated]. After the 3 years of menopause, during which my wife wanted no sexual contact at all, we now have an arrangement which generally works well for us both. We sleep in separate rooms (practical given our different sleeping/waking cycles). If my wife is feeling horny, she will come to my room in the night, wake me up and we'll make love. She knows that I am nearly always in the mood, so I am unlikely to refuse. After thirty years together we know each other's bodies well and are good at bringing each other pleasure, so these encounters are usually satisfying for us both.

    My wife's libido is such that she usually 'visits' me about once every ten days. I tend to get horny after about three and that's when I have resorted to PM. Not knowing when my wife is going to 'require my services' means that I am reluctant to O while viewing P, to ensure that I am always ready to perform for her. This means that the PM has turned into prolonged edging sessions with no O at the end. This is why the sessions have tended to become longer and longer leaving me perpetually horny and at the same time regretting that I am wasting my precious free time.

    So my resolution is. Absolutely no more P. In order to achieve that, I think I will have to stick to no more M, as it is too easy to backslide from M to PM. O, therefore will only with my wife.

    I want to do this for me and for her. I don't want to burden her with the issue and want to be strong enough to do it alone, so that she will see the benefits but not feel obligated in any way. If I get tempted to relapse, then rather than M, I will try to distract myself with the many interest I have. I fear that even M without viewing P will be a slippery slope back to PM, so if I really struggle and crave sexual release, I will reluctantly ask my wife for help, rather than risk relapsing, and trust that we can work something out without raising the pressured/obligated problem.

    So here I am. Wish me luck on my journey. Any advice or messages of support from men or women would be very gratefully received.
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2017
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Good for you.... Finding your grounding and making a decision to change for the better.
    I also have a journal "A New Hope" so, I instantly thought to read yours.
    Do you have a plan for the days Inbetween?
    Or the long hours to keep you busy?
    Jack Loneki likes this.
  3. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi Jolie,

    Thanks very much for the supportive message. I have just read (most of) your journal. Goodness your life is complicated - I felt exhausted just reading about it! You are an inspiration to me. If you can be positive and provide support to your SO under that much stress, then surely I can manage to achieve my goals in my relatively straightforward life. Three things I have against me. Firstly, I am in my 50's with forty years of bad habits to unlearn. Secondly, I have a lot of time on my own while my wife and daughter are sleeping and this is when I have previously resorted to PM. Thirdly, I have no-one in real life I can feel I can share this battle with. It is lonely at times and I hope NOFAP will help in that respect.

    For keeping busy in the long hours I will use a mixture of 1) hobbies that I enjoy and 2) stuff that needs doing around the house

    I have lots of interests including birdwatching, walking, gardening, photography, drawing and reading - we have a house full of books and long list of ones that I want to read. I am also using this year to write my first novel and am very keen to get that finished. 225 pages written so far out of a target 320. As for stuff around the house - there is always plenty to do. I will go and tidy the kitchen and lounge after I post this, and then go out to the post-office to send off some parcels.

    For the days Inbetween as you put it. I am hoping that as I am no longer wasting my time PM in front of a screen, I will be able to use that time to improve all our lives as a family. As 'to do lists' become 'done' lists, I hope my wife will feel happier and less stressed and tired and this may lead to more nightly visits to my room. I may try to initiate love making sometimes but this has been a problem area in the past so I am wary. I want her to feel desired, loved, wanted, even yearned for, without her feeling pressured to have sex if she doesn't feel like it. It is a fine line to tread and I'd be interested on your perspective on that if you have one.

    So thank you again for your interest and support. (And yes, the reference to Star Wars was a conscious one!)
    Do write again if you have time and if there is anything I can do to help or advise you, then please ask.

    Bye for now.
    hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  4. FlatlineFred

    FlatlineFred Fapstronaut

    I see my new GF about once a week due to our separate (Divorced) family commitments.

    With nofap I pride myself of being able to "flood her" with ejacuate first time I O after seeing her.(Its physical proof I haven't M)

    I have "gamified" this so my desire to NoFap also has the goal to "fill her up" when I do have sex with her.

    I bet your wife will notice that you are now running on a "full tank". (Unless you use condoms) Turn it into a manly pride thing for yourself and perhaps an amusement, or impressive feat for her to admire in you.
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2017
    MerseyPhoenix likes this.
  5. FlatlineFred

    FlatlineFred Fapstronaut

    PS if you were just edging to P with no O you will have messed up your dopamine so that will need to adjust.
  6. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

    Brother, I feel like we are very much in the same boat. Your post is one of the things that encouraged me to sign up here. I also am a writer (fiction and non-fiction) and feel that internet women and M have eaten up so much valuable time. I need to concentrate to create and in my day job, but I am assailed by racing thoughts of sexuality that I am "forced" to M just to push those thoughts away so I can get something done until the next attack. I'm married and 47. My wife is awesome and rarely turns me down when I ask for it. Like you, I feel that there is no one in real life to share with. Maybe I need to just go to a sex therapist. I don't know. I do know that PMO has eaten up so much of my time that it makes me sick. I can really relate that you want to finish that novel, but you waste time on PMO. It is especially hard when the computer you write on is the one you PMO on. Ugh, I have tried working at the dining room table rather than in my home office just to have a change of place.

    Do you think having sex with your wife is helpful to the rebooting process? Have you considered cold turkey--no O? I am in a cold turkey phase, but if my wife wants sex and I give it to her, am I hindering my recovery? I am scared about that.

    Let's support each other!!!
  7. Commited2Health

    Commited2Health Fapstronaut

    I'll tell you what I do. I am 46 yrs old. Keep in mind that each of us is different. Each relationship is different. Our health is different. What works for me today may not work for you, but this is my suggestion and works for us. I am dealing with PIED as well as the addiction.

    I am ok with an O with my lady. But I don't M at all to get there. Even in her presence. We have started Tantra and other intimate activities
    outside of inter course. We have no expectation of me having an erection, having penetration or having an O. If it happens, fine. If not, fine too. I have successfully rewired my brain to her and her alone. I know this because we have been trying The highest dosage blue pills. It worked only once successfully out of 12 attempts. We didn't realize at the time, that vanilla sex just wasn't attractive to me anymore. Porn had poisoned my brain. (I've suffered from PIED for the last 6 years, multiple relationships)

    My lady looks so hot. She is beautiful in every way. I couldn't see that anymore before NoFap because I was blinded by Porn addiction. We hold hands, laugh and kiss in public now. I'll never go back to Porn. Now, tried Blue pill last week and it worked like I was in high school again! Better than ever. Just from her caress. Proof. Because it only works if you are aroused.

    My advice, don't pressure yourself one way or the other. If your body has a positive reaction from your wife, act on it. Trust your body. Don't fantasize about someone else though. Stay present with her. Hold her. Talk to her. Tantra has been great for us. Tantra Books are at the bookstore. Hope that helps. Good luck.
    MrRobotATX and Protagoras like this.
  8. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Thanks Never2Late4Life. Your approach sounds similar to the way I am hoping to go - refocusing on my wife, never going back to P. Not intending to resort to the blue pills even though erections not as reliable now as they used to be. I am hoping this will improve over time now I have broken the PM cycle. My wife and I both enjoying the many ways one can make love that don't require an erect member!
    Commited2Health likes this.
  9. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I don't really see the logic of cold turkey but I am new to this so I bow to the greater experience of others on this site. The guides here may be able to explain why cold turkey is better. Personally, I feel that regular sex with my wife helps strengthen our bond, is an expression for my love for her and helps to re-programme my brain that this is the proper outlet for my desires. My wife initiated love making last night and it was fantastic!
  10. FlatlineFred

    FlatlineFred Fapstronaut

    Blue pill fan here (I'm gradually emerging from a 5 month flatline phase - No P No M) but keen to gradually phase them out. Morning after blue pill sex is better than with pill so I am going to try to move down from 50mg to 25mg.

    My focus on GF is really improving (not fantasising about young hotties during PIV) a better connection is now growing and I feel like I am gradually getting better. It's all worth it.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2017
  11. Commited2Health

    Commited2Health Fapstronaut

  12. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

    Thanks. It is encouraging to think that I can so reconnect with my wife. I know the hard part will be not to fantasize and just use her as a M toy, which is what I have been guilty of doing. I am going to look up and see what Tantra is!
    Commited2Health likes this.
  13. This made me smile :)
    Welcome to the forum! I admire your resolve and wish you success.
    I am a SO and my BF is on this forum too.
    If your wife knows about your PMO, this might be a reason for her not wanting sex that often. We have been telling men here quite often, that women's libido has a lot to do with how they feel emotionally with their partners. My libido is usually very high, but since the P situation blew up some three months ago, we had sex maybe twice, and I am, more often than not, totally turned off of any physical contact with my BF. I know my attitude doesn't help him feel better, but I need time to feel safe around him. I also have frequent flashbacks (if you can call my own imagination a flashback) of him PMOing to hundreds of women, so that eats at my self esteem and prevents me from enjoying spending intimate time with him.
    Also, if you use any p-subs, like ogling women or viewing non-P sexy images, she may feel bad about that too. I know I do. Going PMO free may temporarily put your brain at a hyper vigilant state of searching for any p-subs it can get. Trust me when I tell you that even that can be hell for both partners :-(
    Another issue I would like to touch on is the disclosure. I know you said you didn't want to trouble her with it. For some people this may work. From experience on this forum (mine and others'), I have noticed a greater success rate in couples where both partners are aware of and participate in the recovery. Your wife may be more affected by your PMO than you realize. She may need healing herself as much as you do. But it's your decision after all :)
    Torn and samnf1990 like this.
  14. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi Novibe,

    Thank you very much for taking the time to send me your thoughts. I will watch out for the trap of P-subs, as I know what you mean about the hyper vigilant state. At the moment, my wife and I are having the best sex we have had for years, so part of the 'non-disclosure' decision is not wanting to rock the boat. Quitting PMO is my attempt to preserve what we have and make it better, as well as making productive use of my time and restoring my self-esteem. My hope is just to consign PMO quietly to the bin so that all my wife will notice is how more stuff is getting done while our love making remains good or gets better. But, I will keep your advice in mind and if the time is right I may confide in her.

    So thank you again and good luck on your own journey.

  15. The Peace Warrior

    The Peace Warrior Fapstronaut

    I guess...
    Kenzi likes this.
  16. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Just a quick update. It feels really good to log in and see the 6 days against my name. I have had plenty of temptation - long hours alone in the house with the computer - but my resolve has held and I am feeling so much better about my self as a result. I am looking forward to that 6 turning into 16, 60 and then 90. Urges still strong, but determination stronger. Thank you to this community, particularly those who have liked or replied to my posts; knowing you are out there and on my side is an extra bulwark to my defences. ANH
  17. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Well, perhaps I was getting complacent. No, don't worry dear reader, I haven't had a relapse. My resolve is strong and the counter is about to tick over from 8 days to 9. What has happened is my first strong physical symptoms of withdrawal.

    So after a week of feeling great physically and mentally, I had a headache most of yesterday which worsened at night to the extent that I couldn't get to sleep until the strong pain killers had kicked in. I also had some sinus pain, which I know others have reported as a symptom. I am trying to take the positive out of this - that it shows both that what I am doing was necessary and that it is working - but that doesn't stop me feeling like crap!

    On the bright side, my libido is still intact. As I was on my hands and knees with the pain, I did notice just how gorgeous my wife's legs are! I just hope that if she visits me wanting to make love over the weekend I won't have to say, 'not tonight dear, I have a headache.'
    hope4healing likes this.
  18. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Sunday was a second day with unpleasant physical symptoms. The headache has gone, but I had very low energy levels as if my blood sugar were right down. Didn't seem to be affected by eating. I had this hollowed-out feeling inside that is difficult to describe.

    I'm hoping that this phase doesn't last too much longer. Very pleased to have reached double figures on my tracker. Still on my guard, but feeling confident that I am going to succeed.

    I have been using my extra free time to crack on with writing my novel and that has been going well - I've averaged nearly 1000 words per day for the last three days.

    Thanks again to the interest and support of all those on this site and good luck in your own journeys.

  19. Drewdee446

    Drewdee446 Guest

    I just felt mine ( withdrawal symptoms)! begin to dissipate around Day 14
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The withdrawal symptoms come and go... A year later my SO still has "mad days" - (brain fog periods lasting a day to 48 hours) but they get better quicker and are lighter now.
    I think this depends on usage.
    The first round is definitely the hardest.
    Just remember, if you can make it through these periods, you can make it through anything... Including the Flatline.
    If it hits you.
    Good luck
    brett alphonso, SOSo and anewhope like this.

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