My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Life carrying on here. Celebrated our daughter's 14th birthday on Wednesday. She wore heels as it was a special occasion and with those on she was 5' 11' tall!! I'm not used to her being able to look me straight in the eye!

We are about to have the whole house turned upside down as we have the lounge/dining area decorated from top to bottom. This weekend will be spent moving all the furniture out into other rooms so the decorators and later carpet fitters can do their work.

Nothing kills my wife's libido like external stress and stress often triggers her depression too, so we may be heading for a challenging two weeks or so (all finishes on 31st August).

Managing to keep urges under control at present.
Pleased that I am nearly 60 days in with no slip ups.
Pleased that I have nearly finished writing my novel. (I have just started writing the 29th and final chapter).

Steeling myself for the next ten days. Committing myself to being the best husband I can be and providing my wife with whatever support she needs.

ANH

 

Thank you for your lovely, supportive and generous message!
ANH

 

Not a goodbye, but a tactical withdrawal.

Hello my friends. I have decided that I need to spend a little less time on NoFap. I have been spending a couple of hours a day here, checking it frequently for alerts and looking forward to the exchanges on here a little too much. In other words, I have recognised in myself some of the emerging symptoms of addictive behaviour. Please don't get me wrong, I think this site is fantastic and I'm in no way equating the good that it does, to the damage that porn does. In quitting PMO after more than 40 years, with the help of NoFap, I have created the space in my life I wanted to create. I think my porn-addled brain is searching around for anything sexual to fill that space and it may be that talking to strangers (particularly women) on here about our sex lives is partly scratching that itch.

So, reluctantly, I will be checking in less often and devoting more time to improving myself, loving my wife and daughter and getting on with the new, better life that this site has helped me create.

But before I wind back, I would like to put on record how much this site and the wonderful people who inhabit it have helped me.

• NoFap has shown me the true extent of the damage that PA and PMO does to people and to relationships.
• It has made me aware just how much I had damaged my own brain with PMO and given me the determination to quit for good.
• It has made me aware that even after 60 days, I am only at the beginning of the road to beat my own addiction and that if I get complacent I will fail.
• If I am honest, it has made me fearful for the generation of young men and women growing up and painfully aware of the traps that lie in wait for my beloved 14-year-old daughter. Hopefully with this knowledge I can help educate her, keep her safe and give her the confidence to build healthy relationships when the time comes.
• It has, at times, made me ashamed of the shallow, thoughtless, selfish behaviour of many members of my gender
• It has made me feel sad for the women who have loved these men, only to be lied to and repeatedly hurt.
• It has filled me with admiration for the strength and resolve of some of the women here who fight like crazy for what they believe in
• More than that, I have been amazed by how generous these women are with their time and their advice when they have crazy, busy lives and have been hurt so many times. They still get up and try to help others. You are awesome, ladies! Thank you.
• By writing my own journal here and getting feedback from you kind people, it has helped me take stock and realise just how lucky I am in my own life and made me truly want to work harder to be the best husband and father I can be.
• It has given me some specific useful advice on how to improve communication with my wife (5 love languages etc.)
• And your kind words have reassured me that, though I have been a PA for all my adult life, I am not irredeemably bad and can still be the husband that my wife deserves.

So, I hope that over these two intense months I have been a good citizen of this community and that some of my contributions have helped others as much as you have all helped me. I have deliberately not named names here, but there are two or three here to whom I am particularly grateful. You know you are. A sincere thank you for all your help.

So good luck to all of you on your respective journeys. I hope that you win your battles, make the brave decisions and have the great lives you truly deserve.

I will still be here - just not as often.

ANH

 

That is one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. Thank you so much!

 

A quick update:

As predicted, the stress of the decorating work has been tough for my wife, despite the support I've been giving her. We are trying to co-ordinate lots of different trades and delays cause knock-on delays. The house is in the inevitable chaos and the end date has now been pushed back until 5th or 6th September. I am more or less resigned to the fact that her libido will be non-existent until then. Today it is 11 days since we last made love (and hence since my last O). If things go as I expect them to, we will not make love again until 6th September at the earliest. That will be a 'challenging' 23 day gap.

As regular readers know, it is not just the sex, but the touch that I crave. My wife kissed me twice yesterday - but only after I asked her to!

Despite this gloomy picture, I am finding this fallow period less challenging than some of the earlier, shorter ones. I think it is because I saw it coming, understand the reasons for it and was resigned to it. In previous gaps, I allowed myself to hope each night and then get disappointed. It is the hope that gets you in the end. Ironic really, given my chosen user name here!

ANH

 

Hi novibe,

Thanks, yes I was mulling that over myself but your suggesting it too makes me doubly sure it is a good idea. Others here have spoken about a scheduled cuddle night. The real boost I crave is my wife touching or hugging me spontaneously of her own volition, but that rarely happens, even when she is in a positive mood, so something more contrived might be the best I can do.

Given her up and down moods I don't think a date on the calendar would work - if it happened to coincide with a dark day, then it could only add to her stress, as touch is not something she craves like me. I think a better approach is for me choosing the moment and then asking for / suggesting a cuddle - reassuring her if necessary that I only want a cuddle.

Btw, I am very impressed that you are able to hug your BF, even when you're fighting, even though touch is your least preferred language. He is a lucky guy

ANH

 

Hi Kenzi!

I think we are on a positive journey, going in the right direction. Though life's stresses cause inevitable ups and downs, I feel optimistic that our relationship is solid and that the physical connection has the potential to get better too. I feel more able to cope now with the long gaps between intimacy, while hoping that continuing to put my heart and soul into the relationship may, over time, shorten those gaps a little.

More than 9 weeks 'clean' for me. I read the statistics you posted, which make kind of depressing reading, but I suppose deep down I knew that this was going to be a long haul. 90 days will be a significant milestone, then 1 year then 5!!

Hugs to you!

ANH