So, I joined this site earlier this week after some internet research about Pornography Addiction. I thought that maybe by typing everything out and chronicling my journey it might help me work things out. I'm not typically one to keep a journal, however I don't really know what else to do. My husband came to me last Friday when he get home from work with a serious look on his face. I had been celebrating completing a college course with an A because I swear to sweet baby Jesus that it was one of the hardest classes I've ever taken (besides the math courses). Immediately I was put on edge. He told me that he needed to talk to me about something very serious, and I could tell that he was doing all he could to come to me with whatever it was. So we sat down outside while the dogs got some quality play time in and he started. He told me that during his sessions with his therapist something had come up and he and his therapist thought that I really needed to know about it. He told me that he is a PA and has been hooked since his early teens. The way he went about telling me was very therapeutic, and I'm fairly sure that he and his therapist must have worked on how to broach the subject with me, because neither he nor I are masters of the spoken word. He reassured me that it was nothing to do with me and that he wanted me to know because he was seeking help to overcome his addiction. I took it pretty well initially. I was calm, I thanked him for coming to me with it and asked how I could help. We spent a very peaceful evening together, just like normal, but I guess I was a walking time bomb. I woke up the next morning and prepared for work with a horrible feeling in my gut. I was unfocused and out of sorts all day while I tried to process everything, and I work in a field that doesn't allow for any lapses in attention or judgement. If I zone out, someone could die. Needless to say I felt very unsafe at work, I felt a little reckless and the horrible feeling in my gut not only didn't go away but intensified. I got home and my husband and I talked about it a little more, but I quickly found myself becoming upset, so I changed the subject and tried to keep it light. The next day, I felt better about things, and we spent a nice day together. We went shopping and picked my daughter up from her dad's. I was having a hard time not thinking about things, I began to feel anxious and so I decided to arm myself with knowledge. Suffice it to say, I think that that rabbit hole probably would have been best left untraveled, but hindsight is 20/20. I only made things worse. I told my SO that I was going to try to figure out some questions to ask him (that way he could prepare himself) and I would get back to him the next night. Monday night rolled around and after my daughter went to bed we started with the Q&A session. I also wish I had skipped this one because we were going to be seeing our therapist in a few days and perhaps thing would have gone better if she had been there to mediate. He denied every spending money on porn, told me about the various places that he would partake and told me about some of the finer details of his behavior and admitted to me that the last time he had partaken was the day after his initial disclosure. I asked him if he thought that that might constitute cheating and he was surprised that I felt that way. Tearful, I ended the conversation there. I had to work again the next day and things were even worse. I decided I didn't feel safe working in the state that I've been in and discussed taking a LOA with my director and manager. They were very supportive and helped me get the paperwork started. I am very lucky to have bosses like them. The next day was the day of our couples therapy appointment. It was rough. I actually put on makeup and dressed up (Sometimes these things can be like armor). I don't remember the drive to the office and I barely remember the 20 minute wait for the appointment (I am compulsively early to everything; I think that comes from my first marriage). I broke down pretty much as soon as we got to the room. Our therapist was very supportive of me and told me that PMO is absolutely a form of infidelity. I felt a little validated there. I shared my feelings with my SO with the help of our therapist and we discussed an action plan to prevent further lapses and to aid in recovery. She talked about doing a complete disclosure (this is to come... oh joy) and prefacing it with a polygraph test. She and I decided that I needed access to all of his accounts- email, social media, everything. I felt better for the rest of the afternoon. I think that the crying and the panic attack was kind of like a pressure release. That night my husband got up to get a shower and something in my brain flipped. All of a sudden I was most certainly NOT fine. I shut down a little for the rest of the night, but then talked it over with him just before we went to bed when I felt I was calmer and more rational. Today has been an emotional roller coaster. I woke up and wanted nothing to do with him. A few hours later I felt like I really just needed him to hold me. We had a pleasant morning and went on a little lunch date, but then I had to go in to work to finish completing the LOA paperwork. On the way to work I felt like I did on the way to our therapists office. The closer I got to work, the more I felt like I might vomit, and when I left my bosses office, I nearly burst into ugly sobs again. I got home to find that our dog had destroyed the carpet underneath his crate and his crate tray. I didn't really put it together, but I'm pretty sure we are stressing him right the hell out. I feel a little guilty about this, so I have been being extra affectionate with him tonight. Poor puppy shouldn't have to be miserable just because SO and I are. I also made an appointment to see my GP to see if she wants to tweak my medications or add something on to help with this sudden uptick in anxiety. Wednesday can't come soon enough.