My SO journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by lostintx, Apr 5, 2019.

  1. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Well, it was peaceful until about an hour ago. Not numb anymore. Now I can't stop crying. I feel like a giant baby myself.
     
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Working through this mess is difficult even on the best days. There will be ups, and in the beginning especially, there will possibly be even more downs. Some days you'll feel strong, and other times you won't know how to just get through the next hour. I know it's frustrating and makes you feel completely crazy when your emotions are bouncing all over the place, but as much as it sucks, it's normal. You're not a baby...you're a beautiful, loving person who's hurting deeply, and you're trying to navigate your way out of the muck that you were blindly pushed into. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. I know how the pain can swallow you up and make it tough to cling to even the tiniest bit of hope. But, I believe you're strong, maybe more so than you realize now.

    I hope you're able to find peace soon. You deserve to be happy and feel loved. Hugs.
     
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  3. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    So I talked to therapist lady today. She did say that she recommends that we come separately and that I have someone to drive me. We talked about it and how it would all go down. I'm pretty anxious about the whole thing, but therapist lady has been a great comfort to me. She's so great. I talked to my friend and she was totally ok with taking me to the disclosure, running some errands and then coming to get me. I'm so happy about that. She's one of four people aside from my boss that I have told about everything, and she offered me her guest bedroom if everything goes to crap.
    Came up with some more questions that I want answered for the disclosure and talked them over with therapist lady. She agreed that they were important, and I hope that I get the answer I want, but I just really don't know. I don't know anything.
    Told SO today that he needs to take some time away from working on the full disclosure to meditate or to play guitar. I think revisiting everything has been super hard for him. I think that after we go to the gym today he can do that and I can go paint. I really enjoy it, but I'm not great at it. This is a good time to just enjoy it and not be so judgmental about my lack of ability. I bought lavender everything. Bubble bath, candles, air freshener, lotion. I'm hoping it'll help me sleep.
     
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  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey...that’s great to hear. I’m so very happy that you have support. AND it’s wonderful to hear that you are taking care of yourself with lavender and creative outlets such as painting. Do you paint landscapes, portraits, or still life?

    Breath easy...your theraphist will guide the session and all will be well in the end, if it’s not well you have your friend and it’s not the end. Hang tight kiddo.
     
  5. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I was finally able to get a little rest today. I guess I hit it a little hard today. I woke up at 0600, had a 1.5 hour session with the therapist lady at 9, came home and journaled, then cleaned the kitchen, did my laundry, got groceries, organized the fridge, broke down a bunch of boxes, organized my personal relaxation room and then went to the gym. I think I've gotten like this about once every two to three days. Our house looks better than it has in a long time, and the organizing things makes me feel peace.

    Our house had gotten pretty messy over the last couple of years. When my husband was in the depths of his addiction to alcohol, I kind of just shut down. I had been having some struggles with depression at that time and even though I don't think it was his intention, he completely undermined two of what I felt were the strongest friendships I had built here since moving here in 2012 and I felt very isolated and alone. I stopped going out, stopped having people over, started binge watching netflix and hulu. I stopped really leaving my home unless it was to go to work. This was pretty detrimental to our little family we have built, the 2 dogs, the cat, my 13 year old daughter, my husband and I. The PTSD that I had experienced after a particularly grizzly car accident in 2010 came back with a vengeance. There were many days that it was all I could do to get out of bed, so needless to say the housework has been a very low priority for me over the last few years, especially as I amped myself up to go see a doctor to get my depression and anxiety levels back under control. The house has been super messy and disorganized, and until now I have not been contributing much in the way of upkeep. I work in a hospital, work long and strenuous 12 hour shifts that often leave me with little to offer my family in the way of physical or emotional availability. I have recently stepped into a leadership role, so I've had difficulties finding work/life balance, and to be perfectly honest I think everything has suffered a little at home.

    Once I got back on medication for depression, it had been getting better, but this year has been a doozy so far. My best friends father passed away unexpectedly the same day that my cousin (pregnant) passed away in her sleep along with the baby. A week later, I had a coworker who committed suicide in one of the ICU bathrooms at work by overdosing on IV narcotics. It was very heart wrenching and I had a hard time with my feelings about everything for a bit. I had finally stopped dwelling so much on all of that and SO and I had just started talking about having another baby when all of this came up. It was pretty devastating to me twofold.

    1. I learned that my partner and lifemate was battling yet another addiction, this one one that I had been completely oblivious to during our 18 year friendship, 6 year relationship and 2.5 year marriage. I thought that he was doing much better after stopping drinking and that our relationship was doing much better. Our sex life was not great, but I had attributed it to stress because of his assumption of a leadership role of his own within his company. I have always been a very sexual person, and to be honest I thought that I was a good bit more sexual than he and that that was perfectly normal. My last marriage got to be the same way toward the end. I got married very young because I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 16 years old. My ex husband and I were together for 4 years before I separated and he was an alcoholic as well only he scared me. Like I feared for my safety. He gaslit, he made subtle threats and he had an unhealthy attatchment to his parents. When we first got together we were intimate often, however by the end of our marriage we hadn't had sex in almost a year. I never really got any closure on that and I'm afraid to ask any kind of questions to him because to be honest he still scares the bejesus out of me, but I had a feeling that there was something going on besides the alcohol. I don't know if it was pornography or if he was having sex with someone else, but it was obvious that he felt no attraction to me. Not even a little bit. I felt ugly, fat and useless. (Trying to come back from the rabbit hole) I don't know that I've ever really had a solid understanding of what a "normal" intimate relationship looks like. I thought that's what SO and I had.

    2. We had just started really working toward being in a place in our relationship and in our finances to be a little more ready for additional children. While I do understand that it is crucial that we work through this so that we have a solid foundation for our relationship, this completely came out of left field for me. I mean, there was a point last year when I felt that something was up, that maybe he had been cheating on me but I never expected this. It never even occurred to me.

    All of these emotions really put me back in a bad place, but I was able to recognize it and I knew enough about what I needed to feel empowered to ask my doc for some helpful pharmacological tools to help continue on my track to a better mental health. (IE something for sleep, anxiety/depression and high blood pressure) and to be honest, I think that this regimen has been more helpful in general to me than the other regimen was. I'm still not sleeping and my appetite has been terrible, but I can function in public and I'm not having panic attacks and that's been a pretty liberating feeling. I think I've gotten off topic again...I guess my point was that my house has been chaotic and I've been really working on improving it during this time I've taken away from work. I'm sure it has something to do with controlling my environment because I don't feel that I have control over much else. But I was absolutely spent when we got home from the gym. I've been avoiding napping because the amount and quality of my sleep had been so poor lately, but I just had to and it was glorious. The big dog and the little puffball and I made a little dog pile on the couch and I was out for the entire duration of SO's meeting. Hopefully I'll still be able to sleep tomorrow, but if not, I guess that's ok too. I've got nothing on the books for tomorrow and I could maybe actually sleep in if I need to.

    Also, SO and I have both been getting head rushes when we stand pretty recently. My blood pressure has been high normal and HR normal and his is fine too. I think it's probably related to dehydration, as his oral intake has been a little low as well, but I was wondering if anyone else had experienced anything like this, like maybe it's a stress response or something? I guess I'll do a little research on it too, but I figured it can't hurt to put it the question out there.
     
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  6. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    The nap probably wasn't the best idea. I was up until 0200. SO and I had a really good talk after my last post. I think this combined with therapy was what started it. I've been thinking a lot about things, especially since my 30th birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. Seems like a time for reflection I guess. I scheduled a massage for next Wednesday. It'll be my first one ever. My mother bought a gift certificate for me years ago, but I've never been comfortable with being that vulnerable around a stranger. We'll see how it goes I guess. I think I'll set up my painting area today and pretend to be Bob Ross :) SO is out playing disc golf with some friends. I told him he needed a break and he didn't take one yesterday, so I'm glad he's doing a little self care today.
     
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  7. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I finally slept last night!!! I think I've figured out what I need to do to make myself calm down enough to fall asleep before 1-2AM, so that's great. Apparently I've been attempting to grope SO in my sleep though. It's not a sexual thing. It's really more of a comfort thing. I used to sleep with my hand inside his boxers and kind of wrapped around the thigh that was further away from me. I haven't consciously done it since I found out about this newest (to me) addiction, but apparently I've done it for the last two days. He told me about it this morning. Looks like I'm going to have to find a tiny pillow or something to keep my hands occupied at night because I'm sure that that isn't helping him at all.

    He's doing a podcast this morning with a female coworker. It makes me super uncomfortable, but I want him to keep doing it because it is something that he enjoys and it makes him feel a sense of accomplishment. I think it would put my mind at peace if she was butt ugly or something, but she's very pretty and I love her style. I wish I could like her and not find her threatening. I feel this way about a few of his coworkers. One of them has a SO that is also an SA and he's told her about our problems. I don't like that either. She has acted out in kind of inappropriate ways to get back at him for his acting out and I think that that is terrible. It also makes me super uncomfortable because SO is an SA and they go on out of state trips together sometimes. She's really pretty too. Fuck all of that.

    SO and I are going on a date after his podcast recording. He told me that therapist lady encouraged us to keep going on dates right now to remind each other why we are doing all of this. I planned this one, so I hope he has fun. He should. He likes to be active and I found this really cool scavenger hunt thing that we're going to do after lunch around Lady Bird Lake. He'll get to move around and I'll get to see more of the city that I've lived in for over half a decade but haven't really gotten to know. I think it'll be cool.

    I didn't paint yesterday. I didn't do much of anything yesterday really except read some of the SO journals on here and freak myself out. He finished his disclosure yesterday, but then I sent like 5-6 more questions that I want answered to therapist lady so that we can work on them. I can tell he's worried about what I'm going to hear. I'm worried about what I'm going to hear. But we can work through this. I want to work through this. It's completely different from my last marriage, where I was just done. I have a desire to save our relationship. I value it. We have been through Hell together, we have grown together and he is my best friend. I just wish that I understood his mind a little better. I thought that I did.

    Last night when we went to bed I kept thinking about all the other people that he has been pleasuring himself to. I just wonder what they have that I don't have. I'm not unattractive. I have a little extra here and there, but I'm curvy and people often tell me that I'm beautiful even if I don't necessarily feel that way myself all the time. I know that this addiction has been present for as long as I've known him (over half my life) but sometimes I can't help but wonder if my behavior when I was in the depths of my depression drove him to some of this.
     
  8. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    What kind of paintings do you do? You should post some of your work! There's an art thread on here, somewhere :) it might make you feel better to receive positive feedback on something you like to do; motivation, you know?
     
  9. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I'm really not wonderfully talented or anything. It's just something that I enjoy. I did a my Little pony painting once for my kid, but I really like doing trees and things.
     
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  10. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

  11. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I have a familial tremor that keeps things from looking too clean.
     
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  12. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    And about I think I did this particular one at midnight during a bout of insomnia to pass the time.
     
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  13. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    Looks awesome :) thx for sharing & keep painting :emoji_ok_hand:
     
  14. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    So the date didn't exactly go as planned. It wasn't bad, but the lunch spot we chose was packed so we went somewhere different and then the app that we were going to use for the scavenger hunt was misleading and I wasn't about to spend more money on the damn thing, so we just went for a walk instead. It was mostly pleasant, but it was hot outside, so that got to be a little much after a while and Reggae Fest was happening today, so everything smelled of marijuana. Lots of scantily clad guys and gals running, etc... It was hard to keep myself from monitoring where he was looking the whole time. Ready to not feel like an insecure crazy woman. Ready to feel like myself again.
     
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  15. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I painted last night! It's not finished, but I started one. It felt good to do something for myself. Granted I was up until 0200, but it was really nice
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Way ta go, good job. Bet it feels great to get the creative juices flowing.
     
  17. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Well, today started out ok. We went to the gym and I got a pretty decent workout in considering until D-day I was pretty sedentary outside of my job. We decided to groom the puffball, he looks like a real dog now. After that, I'm not sure what happened, maybe it's that we had to take separate showers where we normally would have both just hopped in, I'm really not sure but I was a little bummed. When I came out SO was typing away on his computer and when I asked him what he was doing and he said he was adding to his disclosure because he remembered something. I think that part of what's so rough is that I know that he'd been around the block before we got together, but he seemed to have settled down, but he keeps coming up with more and more and I just know that the full disclosure can only be to the best of his memory but there's going to be more. It's never going to be done. I had to take an anxiolytic before we took a mini road trip to pick up the kiddo because I knew I was going to obsess over it and I definitely did not need to go down that rabbit hole today. I got a good nap out of it though!

    Happy Easter everyone.
     
  18. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I hope everyone had a great Easter. Mine was ok. I wound up staying up until 0230 again last night. I was exhausted, but as soon as I laid down "Deep in the Heart of Texas" started playing in my head on repeat. It was kind of bizarre. So I got up and played video games for a bit and drank some sleepytime tea to see if that would knock me out. Videogames probably wasn't the best choice, but I told myself that I would play for a little bit during this break, so I did. I've decided that I will absolutely not let myself nap today so that I can go to sleep at a normal hour tonight.

    SO is at another session with therapist lady to do the finishing touches on his full disclosure. That makes me feel a little anxious. I'm ready to know, but then again I'm not ready to know, you know?

    I went to the gym with SO this morning. I did a 15 minute mile, which for me was pretty awesome. I have a habit of not being super active on my days off. Part of this was due to the depressive funk I've been in for the last few years and part of it was that I don't feel particularly safe working out around men. It's very uncomfortable for me. I'm hoping once big dog gets a little better on the leash I can run in the neighborhood with him again.

    We groomed the puffball yesterday. We definitely didn't do a great job, but he looks pretty cute if I do say so myself. He hated it. I held him while SO clipped his fur and nails, so I got all the snuggles. It was pretty nice. Gonna go to COSA meeting tomorrow again. Those ladies are lovely and it's nice to have a safe space to talk about things in and the drive was gorgeous.
     
  19. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I just flipped out over pork chops. It caught me completely by surprise. I got overwhelmingly upset for sticking them in the freezer when we had talked about me making them tonight. To his credit, he was pretty calm during the encounter. I felt like absolute shit afterward and have since apologized, but whoa Nelly.
     
  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Lol...you have a great sense of humour. Keep painting and smiling.
     
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