My SO journal

Today was a pretty good day. My mom came and SO and I went out to lunch with her. Afterwards she and I spent the afternoon together and she helped me organize the chaos that is my house. Kiddo's soccer game got cancelled due to weather, which was pretty disappointing, but us girls went out to dinner and spent a little more time together before she had to go home.

Dealt with a little more of the fallout from Monday, but things felt a little more manageable today. Got another small dose of hope. That helps. I've felt very tense and on guard the last several days and today I felt a little bit of that tension ease.

SO and kiddo had a good chat this evening, which I think was very reassuring to her. We're going to be doing nightly phone calls for now so they can stay in touch while SO is out of our home.

Hoping that tomorrow continues to trend to the positive. I think that I've been in crisis mode since Monday and my emotional capacity has been exceeded. Gone back to feeling mostly numb. I need less chaos so I can process everything.

In regards to the doggy search, I've seen a few dogs that I've liked, but not going to make that decision just yet. I'd like to come at it with a slightly more clear head.
 
Dealt with more fallout from all this today. It went well. Had a panic attack afterwards. That was not so great. Spent some time with SO this afternoon. I think I need a nap.
 
Sounds like a nice visit with your mom and girls. Sorry to hear about more fall out. It must be nerve wracking. Glad you’re taking time to relax . Be good to you always...in ALL WAYS.
 
I thought I might link this journal to my SOs journal. I think he could use a little support and encouragement too and I also think it might be interesting for some to see the other half of this. His user name is @St_Mac

Gonna go pet all the puppies.
Have a good day ya'll.
 
Today was pretty good. Kiddo went on her band trip to the water park and SO and I went and snuggled dogs. I met this sweet beautiful puppy that I'm interested in adopting, but we're going to take it slowly and make sure that the dog we adopt will be a good fit with our family. She was so calm and adorable. She had no teeth due to periodontal disease and her little tongue would loll out to the side. I snuggled with her for about an hour. It was great.

We also went to go see our friend's newborn today. He slept pretty much the entire time, but he was super cute too and it was good to see his parents.

I'm looking forward to hopefully sleeping in a bit late tomorrow. I feel like if I could sleep for week it might be helpful.
 
Today is the first day in a while I will not be seeing my husband today. He's moving into an apartment today, where he'll be staying for now. Kiddo is going to the movies with her best friend, so that leaves me to my own devices for the day.

I still woke up around six this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Still having trouble focusing on anything. My FMLA has been approved conditionally, so that's good. Now I just have to get all the medical stuff filled out for the short term disability so that I can afford to pay for living expenses while we work on this.

I need to find something to do for today other than laying on the couch and watching Netflix. It feels a little pathetic.

I asked my husband to give me a copy of the full disclosure to read through on my own. This week has been so horrible that I honestly don't remember most of that conversation and I'm going to need that information eventually if I'm going to work through all of this.

Maybe I'll paint some more today. I'm sure that I could do housework, but I have no motivation for it right now.
 
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So this is what I wound up doing. It didn't turn out exactly like I wanted, but it was soothing to make.
 

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Talked with my husband tonight per guys request. He wanted to let me know about some middle circle behavior that he had today. Apparently all of the chaos and uncertainty with his move to the apartment got to him and he decided to ogle all of the attractive women in tiny shorts downtown. I'm glad he was honest with me, but it hurt. I haven't seen him today, he was super short with me during our texting conversations today and then this. Think I'm going to go to bed here in a sec and let the puppies sleep in bed with me tonight. I need a real night of sleep.
 
I got a full night of sleep and then proceeded to be super unproductive today. My biggest accomplishment was getting out of the house for a massage I had scheduled from a couple of weeks ago.

Kiddo decided that she wanted to take charge on dinner and she made home made rolls and chicken and rice. I'm super proud that I raised a kid that can make her own meals. I remember trying to make chicken and rice when I was 16 and not knowing that I needed to defrost the chicken first. She's way more advanced than I was at her age.

SO had his first day back in the office today. It sounds like his first day back went pretty well. He went to a meeting at lunch, and he went to a meeting tonight. He's doing the 90/90 thing as recommended by his sponsor. I am happy that he is immersing himself in this. It shows me that he is willing to put in the work and that helps. He also sat down with one of the coworkers that I was particularly uncomfortable with and set boundaries limiting their communication to work related matters only.

I'm a little frustrated with myself regarding my not getting out of the house and the whole not feeling much thing. I just feel flat and a little lost.

My mother has been checking on me nightly; I still haven't told her everything, but she worries. Tonight I told her I was fine and handed the phone off to the kiddo to chat. It's been very entertaining.

Have my appointment with Therapist Lady tomorrow and then a joint appointment with SO the next day. Reading the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse that @hope4healing recommended; I think that this book is a little more my speed than the last one. I like that the reading is peppered with reflective questions. I think that it's helpful.
 
I'm glad you're reading it. I, too, found it to be helpful. Besides the reflective questioning, I was able to make sense of some of the things I was experiencing. It made me feel less crazy.
 
Had a good talk with Therapist Lady today, then met SO for a bit to grab coffee and talk while he was on break. Feeling exhausted. A combination of no sleep and depression I'm sure. Not super sure what I'm going to do with the rest of my day, but I honestly don't feel like doing a damn thing. Maybe I'll try to nap.
 
Well, no nap, but I got some things done around the house, got groceries and worked on my emotional impact statement, so that's good I guess. Haven't heard from SO since before his meeting with his sponsor, but hopefully he's staying safe in the traffic and the rain. I think tonight might just be an early night for me. I haven't stopped feeling tired all day.
 
No early night last night and early start this morning, so still feeling exhausted. I keep having dreams about tornadoes, so that's not helping me feel rested at all.
Only stayed for half of therapist lady appointment with SO today because I had to go see my GP to get paperwork done for my leave, but she wound up running an hour behind anyway, so I probably could have stayed for the whole thing. Nothing of note really came up today, we talked about starting to use a check in tool.
Kiddo is making pecan pies tonight as a gift to me and my mom for mother's day.
Turning 30 tomorrow. Less than enthused about it. I really thought that this would be a great milestone birthday, but that's not the case and there's not much to be done for it.
Feeling a little bummed.
 
Hey you,..it’s all okay to feel bummed out with the current situation at play. However...tomorrow is your 30th birthday..so be extra good to you...Happy Birthday.
 
Thanks, guys. Birthday didn't wind up so bad. I went to lunch with SO and he got me a massage, took kiddo to her band concert and was pretty lazy throughout the day. It might not have been the birthday that I envisioned, but it was pleasant.

I took care of all of my short term disability paperwork today, so that's one less thing to deal with for a bit. SO and I are going to look at more puppies tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be a good day too.

SO told me today that he engaged in some inner circle behaviors this morning. I keep having this visceral reaction every time he tells me he needs to tell me about something. It's pretty unpleasant. We've started using the FANOS check in tool. He has been very good about making sure he is thoroughly covering each bit of it. I have not been so good. This is something I need to work on.

Going to try to go to the gym tomorrow before our outing. That's my one big goal for the day. I think I'm going to have to start making myself take baby steps toward my own healing. I've noticed that since SO has been out of the house I have been having a lot more trouble coping. I know that it is necessary that he is not home right now, but I am ready for this to be over. I'm lonely.
 
I told myself that I would make an effort to journal more substantially here. I haven't really done that in about a week because I've been feeling so low and have had little to no motivation to do anything. I've finally gotten some decent sleep the last two days, so that's helpful. I think that it's the Lexapro. The doctor started me on it two days ago, and I know that that is awfully soon to be seeing any kind of improvement from it, but I can sleep! My mood isn't any better, but I can sleep, and that's a step in the right direction.

We're going to go to another pet expo today. I'm ready to go snuggle with puppies and spend a little more time with SO. I think that maybe it'll help pull me a little further out of this funk.
 
Today was actually pretty great. I spent all afternoon with SO. We went to the pet expo, walked around downtown, snuggled babies, had dinner, went to the gym, meditated, and just hung out for a bit before he left for the night. We had some really great talks about our feelings, kids, and goals for this time. It was really nice. I felt much more connected to him today that I would have this time two months ago. I recognize that there are going to be a lot of ups and downs while we both work through this, but today was definitely an up. I really do miss him when he's not here and it was nice just getting to spend the whole day together with no fixed schedule.

After talking with SO, I think I've decided that I'm going to make myself a checklist for daily activities that will help me with healing. I'm kind of terrified that I'll slip back into the depression that I've only just managed to pull myself out of and I definitely do not want that. While I hate the idea of checklists, I'm hoping that by having a list of daily things I need to be doing I will be more motivated to complete them.
 
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