My SO journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by lostintx, Apr 5, 2019.

  1. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Today was another good day. Woke up and went to the gym with SO, then we went and got smoothies and walked around Walnut Creek Park for a while and enjoyed the beautiful weather. It's been so rainy lately, so we haven't really gotten to do that much recently. After that, I made the long drive out to visit my family and pick up kiddo. That was pretty pleasant as well.

    I did take what was supposed to be a nap this afternoon and woke up at almost 11pm, so I have a feeling I won't be sleeping any time soon. -_- Here's hoping that tomorrow turns out just as great.
  2. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was an ok day. Still feeling completely numb. My friend stood me up for our coffee date. That felt kind of crappy, but it gave me time to talk myself into going to the gym. Asked my husband for the typed out disclosure last night and read it through. I didn't feel anything as I read through it. I think that hearing it coming from him personally hurt more than reading it will ever do.

    I did completely forget that he had talked about having an emotional affair with a girl at his previous workplace. The written disclosure said he also had a crush on her. That hurts. I talked with him about that today and he said that he guessed he didn't differentiate the two during the formal disclosure, but didn't really offer any explanation or apology. Then he proceeded to take his cell phone with him into the bathroom at the restaurant we went to.

    Given his history of exhibitionism and his confession to me that he would use the bathroom as an excuse to go and masturbate before, it was triggering for me. I mentioned it to him when he got back from the bathroom and he said he'd try to be more mindful of not taking his phone with him in the future.

    He seemed a little off at lunch today, which also makes me worry. I think I'm going to go to the gym to take my mind off all of this. I told him I was still feeling pretty much nothing when he first sat down to lunch, but now I'm just feeling blue. It doesn't help that his new boss is the woman that he had an emotional affair with at his current place of work and it would be all too easy for him to fall back into old habits. He told me he's going to meet with her today to set/reinforce boundaries with her. That should make me feel better, and I know that he's working really hard on his recovery and being open and honest with me, but it doesn't.
  3. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Welp, today has sucked. Woke up to a call from kiddo's school. She took a knock to the head yesterday during karate and while I watched her closely last night and she seemed ok, she was displaying signs of a concussion so we took a trip to urgent care this afternoon. I was really surprised to find out that most clinics will not touch a possible concussion. It was super frustrating. Luckily there is an urgent care center near our home that was happy to check her out. She's got a mild concussion and has strained her back. That really sucks.

    I also got a phone call from SO after his appointment with therapist lady. He told me that he remembered something that wasn't included in the disclosure that he would like to talk to me about in the presence of our therapist during my appointment tomorrow. It makes me feel physically ill to think about what it could be and I really wish he would have waited to tell me about it until our call tonight because I have been obsessing about it all afternoon.

    It's not even dark and I'm ready to tap out. Today was definitely a first pancake kind of day.
    St_Mac likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    I hear ya... prayers are being sent your way. Hang tight...lovely momma
  5. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I am exhausted. Today was mostly good, but very long. I had my session with therapist lady and SO came and we talked about the thing he told me about yesterday. It was a memory that came to him about some incredibly inappropriate fantasizing during sex. To be honest it wasn't anything that I didn't already expect when I went into the session, but I did let him know how I felt about the way he left me hanging yesterday. We talked about guidelines for further disclosures, so hopefully next time it will go more smoothly.

    After the session, SO and I went out to lunch and had some good conversation, then I went home and had a nice long conversation with my sister. I filled her in on a little of what has been going on and she was very supportive, so that was nice.

    I went to the women's group that therapist lady has on thursdays today. I met a lot of vivacious ladies who I could empathize with and, while I did not share, I think I will be going back next week. I stopped going to COSA after the full disclosure, but I think I am going to try to go back to that one too eventually. The women's group lasted an hour longer than I expected it to, but I really feel like I got a lot of food for thought from it.

    After I got home, I spent some quality time with kiddo and talked with SO over the phone after she went to bed. We had more good conversation. I really feel like we are communicating a lot better since all of this went down. I am hopeful that he'll be able to come home soon-ish, and during therapy we began to talk about a good way to gradually reintegrate him back into the home when we decide to. I miss him. The dogs are a very poor substitute. Going to do my best to get some decent sleep tonight, then going to go full steam ahead with my self care activities again tomorrow. I've been neglecting some of them recently and I really feel pathetic when I can't even take care of myself. How am I going to be there for anyone else if I can't even be there for myself?
    kropo82 and St_Mac like this.
  6. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    It's been a few days since my last post. SO went to an SAA retreat for the weekend and kiddo is at her dad's. This is the first weekend that I have spent alone since SO moved out. I've been depressed and sick over the weekend and I've been lagging on my self care. I did get to sleep in yesterday though. I got the most sleep I've gotten in months. Ex SO is bringing kiddo back today and I'm hoping I'll be feeling better in time to sneak in a gym session before she gets home. I really need to get back on track.

    Heard from a couple of co-workers over the weekend. While it sucks that I can't work right now, it feels good to know that people miss me when I'm gone. I've been feeling unloveable lately and to know that they miss me means a lot. Trying to set up a coffee date with one of them to catch up at some point this week. I realized today that kiddo has her band banquet on the day of the next women's group. I really want to go to the group, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it work this week. :/

    Still not feeling much of anything. I was almost able to cry yesterday. Almost. Ready for this mack truck to hit me so I can be done with it. Ready to move on. Ready for SO to be able to come home, even if we agreed he won't actually come home for a while. Ready to feel better.
    St_Mac likes this.
  7. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Today has been a bit more productive than the last several have been. I was able to go to the gym, practice a little self care and went to my daughter's academic awards ceremony. This was the first time they have done a ceremony after school for the students and it was a cluster. Not enough seating and there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the way they called out awards. It made me see red. I was unnaturally angry about the whole thing and I hope I didn't make kiddo feel off about the whole thing.

    I've been in a mood all day really. I talked about it with SO this evening. I don't think anything in particular brought it on, but the smallest things have set me off today. I'm wondering if this is my emotions starting to turn back on or if it's just an off day.
  8. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Just finished my nightly Face Time with SO. We had a good, but brief conversation and did our FANOS. I think I'm getting better at identifying my feelings throughout the day and discussing them with him. We went out to lunch today and he had had a difficult time maintaining eye contact with me and it made me feel really anxious. It felt like he was feeling shame or something and he had something he needed to disclose to me but was choosing to do it later. (We had a conversation recently about not dropping bombs on me in the middle of the day.) So it made me feel anxious throughout our lunch and put me in a weird mindset for the afternoon.

    I had a thought that came to me today: Maybe I deserve this. Maybe it's my fault that I keep picking men who struggle with addiction and as a byproduct treat me like shit. I don't really know where it came from, but it's been hard to shake off. I do think that I am fortunate in the fact that my husband self disclosed to me and is working hard with his sobriety, but the fact that I keep picking men who struggle with these problems probably says something about me. I keep saying that I'm feeling flat, but I think that a better word for how I'm feeling is despondent. I just want all of this to go away. I want my husband to be able to come home, I want my home life to resemble something normal, I want to feel safe going back to work so that I can financially support my family and reconnect with my co-workers, who are like my second family. I want to punch something. I want to cry. I want my husband to hold me and tell me everything will be ok. But I guess we can always get what we want, right? But when will I get what I need?
    St_Mac likes this.
  9. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Today was pretty good. I got to talk to my best friend this morning, then I went and got a massage, lunch, and laser hair removal and I got to talk to my mother on the phone and heard back from the short term disability folks that my leave has been approved. Having my leave paid instead of unpaid and unprotected takes a significant weight off of my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe a little easier. Now, I need the CPS lady to call and tell me that the case has been dropped so that my husband can come home and I can face my feelings head on. I think it's probably a little easier for me to stay shut down right now because I don't see him every day.

    I'm going to be making my emotional impact statement during my therapy session tomorrow. I drafted it immediately following the disclosure when I actually had feelings about everything, which is good I guess because I'm not sure I would be able to suss out anything from this foggy brain right now. I wonder if reading it aloud to SO might bring back some feeling. I am almost hopeful that it will.

    I told SO that I'm afraid that once he's recovered he'll be different and that that different man will decide that he doesn't love/want me after all. It's a real fear that I have and I own it. It came up when he stopped drinking too. I guess my sense of self worth could use a little boost.
  10. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was stressful. Went to couples therapy with SO with the intent to do the emotional impact statement and couldn't because SO was not in a place to hear it. Had lunch with SO afterwards which was nice. Tried to figure out exactly what my benefits will pay for in regards to mental health and that made my brain want to explode. Later in the evening I went to group therapy for the second time. I shared this time, and it was really hard. I got myself so worked up that I gave myself the worst headache I think I've ever had outside of a migraine.

    I made plans for lunch with a friend for today. I'm excited to get out of the house and focus on something other than all of this for a little bit.
  11. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Today has been ok. Mostly pleasant. I woke up and, after a little bit of waiting for SO to wake up as well, went to the gym for the first time in several days. I didn't run as much as I had been, but I'm not going to judge myself too harshly. Apparently I tend to be too harsh on myself. It came up in therapy the other day. It's not something I have ever noticed about myself, but now that it has been pointed out to me I'm working on being a little kinder to myself. Turns out I do engage in a lot of negative self talk. Not sure how to train myself not to do that.

    I haven't done a ton since the gym either. SO and I played a little pokemon Go, I read several chapters in a book that has nothing to do with sexual addiction or betrayal, and now I'm watching cartoons with the kiddo. I may not have gotten much of anything accomplished today, but it has been pleasant.

    I do have a question that I would like answered. What physical/mental symptoms do you all feel when you get triggered? Just trying to figure out what symptoms seem to be more prevalent.
  12. When I'm triggered, I immediately feel my heart begin to race, and my breathing increases. Sometimes I feel hot. I might feel nauseous or have tightness in my chest. My head is spinning with all these thoughts and/or memories, and at the same time, I feel a hyper-awareness of my there's an immediate danger. If I'm not at home, I almost always want to leave wherever I am. I can't concentrate on anything else. Depending on what caused the trigger, sometimes I might feel consumed with sadness or anger or loneliness. Afterwards, even if it only lasted a few minutes, I usually feel drained, physically and mentally.
    St_Mac, Liina, EyesWideOpen and 2 others like this.
  13. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    The last few days have been weird. The day before yesterday, I was angry for most of the day. SO had said something on our nightly phone call that had upset me and I was stewing over it, trying to find a way to bring it up to him that would not seem antagonistic. It didn't go over great. When we talked that night and I brought it up, he got defensive and we had the closest thing we've had to a fight in a while. I'm going to take it as a good sign, because we are actually talking about our thoughts and feelings more than we were before. I felt better all of yesterday, I had gotten it off my chest and I felt that the resolution of our conversation was satisfactory. I felt more present than I have in a while. Last night though, when it was time for me to go to bed, I got this mental image of SO acting out in my head and I couldn't make it go away. That and the storm and resulting power outage, set me up for a less ok day today I think. I've felt really disconnected from reality all morning. Hopefully this feeling resolves soon and the day isn't lost, but it's been uncomfortable. I think I need a nap.
    @hope4healing Thank you for sharing. I was wondering if some of the things I've been feeling were normal. I've been getting the really hot feeling a lot, chest tightness and the feeling that I'm not really where I'm at. The hypervigilance has been here since he initially disclosed his addiction. I guess I was just wanting to make sure I'm not just going crazy and that my experiences are similar to others in my situation.
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    For me, this has ranged from rapid breathing and pulse, flushed face, tight chest, pain in chest, pain in diaphragm, up through tingly fingers and toes, panic caused by needing to run (anywhere - just physically start running); on up to dizziness, muffled hearing, and loss of peripheral vision.
    hope4healing likes this.
  15. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Second CPS interview with kiddo completed today. It sounds like they're about to wrap everything up. I'm very much ready for it. This has all been incredibly stressful and I just want to be able to move on and to be able to start rebuilding our family. Kiddo's school let out for the summer yesterday. I kept her an extra day so we could do the interview, but I had picked up steak and sides so that I could make her a special dinner for the end of school and thought we'd have a girl's night. Turns out that she decided she'd rather spend the night with her bestie down the street. It was a little disappointing, but I invited SO over and we ate the steak and enjoyed the evening instead. Kiddo is now at her dad's house for the next month (I let her chow down on a pint of ice cream after the interview as a treat and she was pinging when I left her. I feel a little guilty). With that and SO being out of the house right now, I see myself losing it a little more. I'm going to have to find things to do. Still don't feel safe to work... Hell, I almost got into a car accident this morning because my focus is so fractured right now. Can't be making life or death decisions with this brain. I guess I'll just put in some extra focus on self care for the next week.
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  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    You are stronger than you think. Things will never be back to normal but you will find a new normal and little by little you'll find your way to settle into that. You can do this.
    hope4healing and Lostneverland like this.
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Self care sounds like an awesome idea. Enjoy your time and good to you.
  18. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    This week has been ok... The first three days were kind of a blur. Kiddo is gone for the month, SO not home, so I really didn't know what to do with myself. On Wednesday night SO surprised me with a visit after one of his meetings. It was pleasant and I think I needed it. I definitely felt a little more grounded after. When he got home, his roomate's girlfriend was over, she and his roomate were drunk and she hugged him. He was uncomfortable with it and told me about it after it happened, and I did not handle it well. I flipped out via text with him, then realized that I was lashing out so I just ended the conversation and spun out a little on my own.. It's rough not having him home, not only because I miss him, but I feel like I have no control. I recognize it is not my place to have control in that aspect, but it doesn't make it suck less.

    On Thursday, I read him my emotional impact letter. It was difficult and upsetting for both of us I think. Nevertheless, we spent the rest of the afternoon just being together. It was nice. SO has always had difficulties with being still, but he's been getting a lot better at just being.

    I kept myself busy on Friday, and had the intention of making dinner for myself and SO, but neither one of us was actually hungry, so we just curled up on the couch and watched Star Trek instead.

    Today saw me up bright and early. We went to a Q&A for SO's podcast stuff, which was a lot of fun, but it was a large group of primarily females and it was hard to stay present during the wait for the event (it was a 2+ hour wait), It was ridiculously hot outside also, and I thought I was going to pass out at one point, but the Q&A was really neat. The rest of the day was nice and relaxed, we went to lunch, played pokemon Go and I made us dinner. We talked about my discomfort during the wait for the Q&A and the told me that he felt more comfortable that I was there with him.

    Going to go to the gym in the morning, and try to continue on with the self care stuff. I'm not super great at it, but you can't improve if you don't work at it, right?
    hope4healing likes this.
  19. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Super bummed that the weekend is over. Have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, CPS on Tuesday and 1:1 and group therapy on Thursday. We had a big storm here today and I was kind of a mess. It's difficult to feel safe at home when your heart is in three different locations. Luckily everyone is ok; there was some major foul weather where my ex husband lives.

    I think all this stress is giving me high blood pressure and frown lines. I'm ready for all of my people to be home and I'm ready for my brain to be less foggy. I want to be ready for an attempt at normalcy.
  20. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Went to see GP today. She bumped my dose of Lexapro, but other medications stayed the same. Still feeling super foggy, concentration seems worse today than it has in a while. GP asked me if I was feeling better... Not sure how I'm supposed to be feeling better. SO is still not home, now kiddo is gone for the month... Still dealing with CPS... Everything is pretty stably sucking right now.
    I want to know how I'm supposed to be expected to heal when the wound is still wide open.

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