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My Story and Introduction

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by ryguyuplift, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,

    This is my first post. I'll explain my entire story and what I hope to achieve moving forward.

    I'll start at the very beginning. I've always been obsessed with girls, even since kindergarden. I got my first kiss in kindergarden and had a girlfriend in 1st grade. We would hold hands. In second grade basically the whole class of girls was my girlfriends, but I actually had one girl who I would talk on the phone with every night.

    In 5th grade I got made fun of because the girl I danced with at the dance wasn't hot enough. Looking back, it was my best friend sabotaging me, which will become a recurring theme throughout this story. So, I tried to ask out the hottest girl in class and she rejected me. This was my first rejection. Maybe this engrained into me at a deep level that I need to date only super hot girls so I won't get made fun of.

    Also, I saw porn for the first time in elementary school, and learned to masturbate as well. I can't remember exactly how it happened. I know one of my friends told me about this website called Nookie. This was around 1999-2000. I think from there I must have searched for naked girls or something of the like. This is before Google, and I didn't even know the word "porn" existed. The first video I saw was a hidden camera of women in a shower. It was extremely low quality, but at that age and having never seen nudity in my life, the rush was like crack. I couldn't even look, I needed to ex out the window immediately. My blood pressure and adrenaline was through the roof. I think this might have hardwired me at a deep level to be obsessed with hidden camera videos.

    Actually, looking back, I learned how to masturbate at the beginning of middle school - I think. I think someone must have told me about it, so I tried. I would make a diamond shape with my hand and jack off at super high speed and orgasm almost instantly. This is without watching porn. The first night I did it, I orgasmed at least 20 times. Maybe this hard wired me, or maybe I was already predisposed to enjoy this type of behavior. I was like 10-12 years old at the time. The next day, my penis was so blistered and chafed and hurt so bad. This is when I needed to try different techniques for masturbating.

    In middle school, my best friend watched a ton of porn and got me into porn. This is back in 2002, so there were no tube sites. Just Kazzaa porn. We would watch it together.

    At this age, we would show each other our dicks and stuff (not while watching porn or masturbating). Luckily nothing sexual but just typical young boy shit. He would tease me and say I had a small dick. He was probably just busting my balls, but I took it to heart.

    In middle school I was a very cute boy, and I was also fearless with girls. I was a natural. I ended up dating and making out with all of the hottest girls in school. I also had multiple opportunities to lose my virginity. In one case with the hottest girl in school. I pussied out because I thought that if she saw my "small dick," she would tell the whole school and ruin my life. This is ludacris because I told her over the phone how big my dick was. I measured it with a ruler and she was intimidated by how big it was. This is when we were going to lose our virginities together. This also shows what I'm capable of without porn in my life.

    This girl ultimately friend zoned me. I think my best friend sabotaged me behind my back. At the very least he fucked me over because instead of pumping me up and helping me get laid, he belittled me and ruined my confidence so I wouldn't get laid. Between her and another girl at the time who rejected me, I was really starting to hate girls. I decided to just take a break from girls all together.

    At this time as well, I was experimenting with different masturbation techniques. It's hard to remember, but I think I discovered quickly that using a t shirt was the best way to jerk off. This way it would feel good and I wouldn't chafe my dick. I guess nowadays they call this death grip syndrome. It makes sense because if I had to masturbate bare handed, I would be forced to have a girlfriend, even if she was fat to get my rocks off. However, I've been extremely selective my whole life, only dating smoke shows. I guess because for it to be more stimulating than porn and death grip, they would need to be godesses.

    Another experiment was using a pillow to masturbate. I would basically fold the pillow over my dick and fuck the pillow. It wasn't that stimulating because you couldn't go hard, but this would progress later on.

    I used to use the office in my house when my parents weren't home to look at porn and jerk off in middle school. Sometimes even using the pillow. Eventually, I got my own computer in my room and started PMOing a lot more. Things were escalating.

    In high school, my results with girls suffered a lot. In middle school, I was the cutest boy in school, but during puberty, I lost my good looks, and my results with girls suffered. I also wasn't as popular either. Furthermore, I was creepy. I was socially awkward and would stare at girls. I couldn't regulate it due to poor social awareness. I also grabbed girls asses in middle school. I continued this in high school and it ended up getting creepy.

    Around this time, camera phones and flip phones were just coming out. I ended up getting a camera flip phone at the time. My friend would take pictures of girls thongs in class. People call them "whale tails" nowadays. I modeled this behavior and started taking creepshots of girls. This is back before iPhones so they weren't anything special, but it was still creepy.

    You may think by reading this that my best friend was a creep. The crazy thing is, he wasn't. Despite being short and ugly (although he was jacked as fuck), he got laid like a rock star. He had sex with well over 20 girls in high school, all the hottest ones. He got laid ALL THE TIME and always had the hottest girlfriends.

    Porn was also progressing in high school, with tube sites coming out around my senior year. During my senior year, I developed a chronic pain syndrome known as "chronic costochondritis." It destroyed my life. I could no longer work out or participate in athletics. It was bad. I was basically crippled in the prime of my life. It's interesting to note that in the Sexual Transmutation chapter of Think and Grow Rich he states that hypersexuality and overly stimulating yourself sexually can lead to chronic health issues. I've experienced this 100% in the real world.

    I also got into the pickup community in 2007 when I was 17 years old. It was amazing, and I was learning to attract girls for the first time in my life. However, I was a virgin, so I never fucked any of the girls. I just liked the attention. I liked making them feel massive amounts of attraction to me because it fed my ego.

    I'll rewind a bit here to right before I got into pickup. I was a junior in high school, and I got my first girlfriend. She was mediocre, but still hookup material for sure. I tried to fuck her in my room. I figured fuck it, I might as well just lose my virginity. Keep in mind, I was on pace to lose my virginity at 14, so I wasn't concerned with breaking any records. I just figured I might as well get it done at 17.

    It was a disaster. I couldn't get my dick hard and it was incredibly awkward and embarrassing. My dick was so small too because it was so soft, obviously from overly masturbating. I can remember being like "what the fuck is going on?" I ran down stairs and tried to watch some porn to get it up, but nothing would work. This is before anyone even knew about porn addiction or PIED, so I was shocked.

    This is what lead me to my problems in pickup. I was afraid to go through that ever again. I knew that if I made them feel attraction, but never took it further, I could experience great emotions without going through that kind of embarrassment.

    Everything continued to progress into my first year of college. I forgot to mention that I started smoking weed in high school. It started on weekends, then progressed to nights and weekends, and eventually progressed to me selling drugs and smoking all day every day.

    In college, I continued to attract girls, but was still a virgin. At 18, I tried steroids for the first time and started losing my hair. At this point, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was never the type to be depressed, but a combination of events pushed me into my first bout of depression.

    First, I had been dealing with costochondritis for over a year now. The doctors said it would go away in a couple of weeks, but over the course of the year, we tried everything and nothing worked. They checked my blood, my lungs, my heart, everything. They even gave me so much medication I had internal bleeding. It was extremely traumatic.

    Second, I had been in pickup for a year. I expected by this point to be getting laid by hot girls. I could attract hot girls, but all in all, I was a failure, and still a virgin. This was frustrating as well.

    Third, I had lost all of my muscle mass from not working out. I was in very good shape before costochondritis, but now I was beginning to look like a computer nerd. And finally, losing my hair pushed me over the top. My self esteem tanked. This is where things started unraveling for the first of many times over this story.

    I was majorly depressed, and things would only get worse. I quit my job so I could recover from costochondritis. I had over 5 thousand dollars in the bank at the time at 18 years old. Back then that was a shit load of money. This money would eventually dry up to the point of selling everything I owned for weed.

    At this point, I gave up. I turned to weed and porn. I ended up using gloves as condoms for the pillow to increase stimulation. On top of this, porn was progressing and getting more hardcore, just by nature of the internet and tube sites. I was also smoking a ton of weed to increase stimulation. I didn't see it at the time, but the porn was destroying me through guilt and shame, making my depression worse and worse. I was a broken man. Everything I had was gone.

    At 22 years old, I hadn't so much as kissed a girl in years. After quitting with pickup, I could barely even attract girls anymore, even just for my ego. I was smoking a ton of weed and watching a ton of porn.

    I'll also say this, in the midst of this life crisis, I was studying a ton of self-help. I knew that one insecurity I had was a small penis, so I decided to get a cock pump and an extender to solve this problem.

    After enhancing my dick, I gained a ton of confidence immediately. Having studied self help for years now, I came to the realization that I needed to ditch my asshole best friend. He treated me like shit and it was an abusive, dependent relationship. I know this because when I tried to ditch him, he pulled some crazy ex girlfriend shit on me. It was tough.

    After ditching him, I was in the lowest of lows. I had no friends on top of all of my other problems. I finally went to see a therapist out of desperation. I met him on the suicide hotline. At this time, I was taking a ton of adderall, smoking a ton of weed, and watching a ton of porn. I went into psychosis and for the first time almost committed suicide. I've had thoughts of suicide and never done it, but in the mental state I was in from the amphetamines, suicide was literally the only way out. I was losing my mind.

    So, at 22 years old, I began seeing a therapist and started turning my life around. I started hanging with my friend Alex, my first friend since ditching the abusive relationship. I had the balls to tell him I was a virgin. He was actually an awesome friend, unlike my asshole friend. He tried to get me laid.

    I also had a brief period in high school where me and my original best friend didn't hang out. This is because we went to different high schools. I used to hook up with girls all the time because again, I'm sort of a natural, and with the right social group supporting me, I can do well with girls. Me and my original best friend ended up getting back together because we were both drug dealers. We ended up selling drugs together.

    So my friend Alex tried to get me laid. He introduced me to this girl Cheryl. She was a 19 year old DIME. I attracted the fuck out of her with my pickup skills and he helped me set up dates and get her back to my place. When I tried to fuck her, I went limp noodle again. It was devastating. She obviously dumped me. I confessed I was a virgin to her like an idiot, making the experience worse.

    Me and my therapist at the time were working heavily on the major anxiety and depression. My first goal was to get off the pillow. I relapsed a lot but was eventually able to effectively complete this. Next, he convinced me to quit weed. Amazingly, I didn't even see weed as a problem, but he helped me with this and I started to quit. I saw a psychiatrist and got on some antidepressants. I ended up smoking more cigarettes to compensate, but I was off the weed. I still didn't see porn as a problem, just the pillow. Man I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about porn. Porn was the ONLY problem. Forget the weed, the costochondritis, everything. It was always the porn.

    I ended up graduating college at 23 years old. Still a virgin. I remember balling my eyes out on my way home from my last day of school. I felt like I was a complete failure. I was into pickup all through college and never did anything with it. I thought i would be a virgin for life. My depression dipped further.

    My first job out of college was stocking shelves at kmart. I was a complete loser and I knew it. I stopped hanging out with my friend Alex, but luckily, I made friends with this guy Craig at kmart. He was obese, and kind of a nerd, but he was super cool. He had fucked over 30 girls so I figured fuck it, I'll have this guy coach me. They were all fat but whatever, he was getting laid, and I was a virgin. I humbled myself and let him coach me.

    One of my first hookups was with a 14 year old girl I met online. It was my first blowjob. I was 22-23 years old. I'm so lucky I didn't get a criminal record out of this. This is where my sex addiction has come close to ruining my life even worse than it already has.

    I also finally got a girlfriend and started getting laid for the first time in my life. I ended up getting prescribed via. I said fuck this. I'm not going to be a virgin for life due to erectile dysfunction, fuck that. This helped me get laid. I still didn't even know that porn was causing the ED. Can you believe that? I still didn't even see the porn as a problem. But how could I? I was so busy working through other shit in therapy. I needed to work through so much stuff before even getting to the porn.

    At 24, things were getting better. I got a job at a gym, and started making more friends. The costochondritis was getting better due to physical therapy, the first thing that worked for me. I started working out again, my dream at the time. Finally, I got a job at a bar as a bouncer on weekends. This transformed my life.

    I started smoking weed again at the time. This time, I was on anti depressants and pot. I watched a lot of porn at the time and played a ton of video games. I was complacent, and honestly I had pretty much given up on life. But I have to say, I was content for the first time in my life.

    My family relationships were also improving a lot. Something I didn't mention in the story is that I was a problem child. My relationship with both of my parents was FUCKED. Especially with my Dad. I didn't follow any of their rules, and they never kicked me out. It was a broken home big time. I used to smoke weed in my room and they knew it. They couldn't stop me. I was a monster.

    So, between studying pickup, working out constantly, dressing better, and working at a bar, I ended up picking up the hottest girl of my life. I dazzled her with the tightest game imaginable. After all, I was in the field 10 hours per week at the time.

    I was in love for the first time in my life, and it changed my life. I acted out all of my sexual fantasies with her. I dressed her up. I even tied her up, blind folded her, and gagged her. Again, problems from porn addiction. I also struggled with ED throughout the entire relationship, despite being on via.

    Eventually, she found out the real me. The real me behind the dazzling pickup routines and false confidence. She found out I was a full blown drug addict, and completely fucked in the head. I was also verbally abusive towards her. I was a monster.

    When she dumped me I felt pain like I'd never felt in my life. I was madly in love with her, more than any other time or girl in my life. She showed me the light, and when she left, I was back in the dark. It was brutal. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I was a complete mess for at least a month.

    I had also gotten a new job at the time, and it was miserable. My new boss was verbally abusive. This was the hardest period of my life.

    But, there was one silver lining to this. For the first time in my life, I had hope. I saw what was possible. True love with a beautiful woman. I was inspired. For the first time in years, I wasn't giving up, I was giving it everything I had.

    I made a list of all of the things that needed to improve. I needed more friends, so my life didn't revolve around her. I needed to get in shape because I had let myself go in the relationship. I needed to keep working on myself even when in a relationship. I needed a real job, not a desk worker at a gym. Most of all, I needed to quit weed, which was a major reason she broke up with me. Can you believe porn wasn't even on this list!? Fucking crazy.

    Amazingly, I rebounded with none other than Cheryl. It was nuts. The first time we dated, I was the virgin. This time around, she might as well have been the virgin. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a drop dead gorgeous, rich, and successful woman. I was experienced.

    So I was dating Cheryl, creating new friends, quitting weed, and I went back to school. I was crossing off everything on my list. I knew me and Cheryl weren't compatible, but I needed her. I was still rebounding from the last girl. And one thing me and Cheryl were compatible with was sex.

    We had so much sex it was crazy. And it just got better and better. You would think to yourself, this sex is so good, how can it possibly get better, but it did. And she was the hottest girl I'd ever been with on top of it. It was absolutely incredible. The sad thing though is that the sex was distant. It wasn't love making, it was sex. Most of the time I didn't even kiss her.

    As far as the ED goes, I started taking cia at the time, so I never had a problem. One night I took via, levetra, and cia all at once and lost my vision for the night. I literally fucked her while practically blind. I couldn't go to the hospital, because what was I supposed to tell my girlfriend what I did? Thank god when I woke up my vision was back, but now I need a stronger prescription for glasses. I'm lucky.

    Over a year into the relationship, I found out that Cheryl wasn't taking her birth control. She let this slip when she was drunk. Our communication was also shit at the time. I learned in my last relationship that if I just keep everything to myself and avoid fights, I wouldn't get in trouble. Big mistake there. The problem was, I was addicted to fucking her. She was literally my sex slave. To make matters worse, she loved it. She was also madly in love with me.

    I ended up breaking up with her. I knew she would get pregnant and I was playing with fire. I also had rebuilt my confidence and self esteem and was ready to move on from this rebound. It was a tough decision because I loved her dearly, but I knew it wasn't meant to be.

    She texted me a week after the breakup that she was pregnant. I forced her to get an abortion. She was destroyed. I felt so bad. It was the right decision though. We both deserve someone who we're compatible with to raise children, not just sex partners.

    I was on top of the world when I broke up with her. I was just finishing school, would have a real job for the first time in my life. I also had more friends and was off weed. Everything on my list was complete.

    Things didn't go so smoothly. My confidence slowly diminished until finally I realized. I can't get a girl. This is where things started to unravel all over again.

    I acted out sexually. I started taking creepshots with my phone and masturbating to them excessively. For the first time in my life I had a major problem with porn.

    Porn was always a problem, especially with the pillow. But, this time it was worse. Let me rewind a bit to explain my progression with creepshots. It wasn't until I worked at a gym and had an iphone 5 that they started getting bad. I honestly didn't think much of them. But one day, it dawned on me. Holy shit, I have a video camera, why am I not taking videos instead of pictures? So I started testing this out. I took a lot of videos at the gym, and saved them all. At this time, my porn collection was MASSIVE. Years of complied downloaded videos. Again, I never saw it as a problem, so it was no big deal. Looking back, it was causing depression my whole life.

    Also, when my first love broke up with me, I went to the mall and acted out. I creepshotted this girl aggressively. It was nuts because she was with her boyfreind who was a big black dude. I was in such a not giving a fuck mode that I pulled that crazy shit. Unreal. He approached me talking shit but never did anything. It was traumatic. I was bugging out so bad at the time that I probably would have gauged his eyes out and murdered him. Maybe that's why nothing happened. But it scared the shit out of me.

    So after my second breakup, I started taking creepshots again, but things were starting to get worse. First of all, I found candid videos on youtube. These fetish videos were a real addiction for me. Regular porn was never a major addiction. I kid you not, I could probably take it or leave it. But candid creepshot fetish videos were like gas on fire. This is the point in my life where porn addiction got bad for me.

    Second, I started actively cruising for creepshots. This freaked me out bad. I also took an insane creepshot video at the gym one day of the hottest girl in the universe. She was dressed promiscuously and bending over doggystyle and all kinds of things, and I had it all on video. I remember jerking off to this video for 8 hours straight. For the first time in my life I experienced sex addiction on a completely different level. I recognized it was a problem and immediately began working on it with my therapist.

    My first attempt at quitting porn was around 26-27 years old. I'm 29 and a half as I write this. I would quit for a while, and then relapse. This happened a lot. The problem with this is that when I relapsed, I would binge badly.

    I can remember deleting my stash for the first time in my life and how hard it was. The creepshot of that girl at the gym - I wasn't able to delete this for over a year. Insane.

    On one of my relapses, I discovered millions of candid creepshot videos online. Before this, I didn't know they existed. I only had youtube and my own creepshot videos. But this was too much. This is where I started binging for over 8 hours literally every time I relapsed. It's been that way ever since.

    I finally decided that I needed to block this content. I had no control over it and after a year of trying, I simply could not stop. I figured it can't hurt to block it and try and control it at the same time. So, over the course of the last 2 years, I have been blocking everything possible. My therapist has the password to the blockers. When something slips through the cracks, I have him enter the password and I block it. At this point, nearly everything is blocked that can possibly be blocked.

    I'm more grateful than ever that I can block this content and experience life the way it should be - living to my full potential. However, it saddens the hell out of me to know that if it's not blocked, I'm powerless. I've tried so hard, worked with a therapist. I honestly don't know what to do to stop this. I don't know what to do. It ruins my life and I honestly just don't know if I'll ever get my life back.

    I'll go over what is blocked. I have qustodio on my laptop. This blocks basically everything. There are a few candid pictures on google images that slip through. These are unblockable, but they are not powerful enough to become a real problem. Still, I wish I could block all of them, but the technology just isn't strong enough. I wrote a letter to Google stating that they aren't blocking candid creepshots. They block regular porn, but their software isn't detecting candid fetish pictures. I doubt anyone ever read it.

    My iphone is blocked via it's own blocker. Nearly everything is blocked, but here is the problem. You can download a web browsing app which will allow you to look at images via google. It's a loophole. The only way to block these is to delete the app store all together. I've tried this but man it sucks not having the app store. I could also block my phones camera all together, but again, this would blow. I might take this step in the future. I might also try qustodio on my phone to see if I can block more content.

    Blocking content has changed my life. I have gone on streaks of close to a month at a time without watching any porn and my life has completely transformed. I was hooking up with a girl at one point. I stopped smoking cigarettes at another point. I even got my dream job and bought a house. I'm also working on starting an online business.

    Here is my problem. One, you can't block everything. Images are still leaking through, and although they aren't causing 8-12 hour binges, they are still problematic. Two, it is summer, and I have been cruising and taking creepshots more than ever in my life. This is because I don't have access to them online so my only way to experience the rush of searching and jerking is through taking creepshots in the real world. It is becoming problematic and really freaking me out. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to quit.

    I'm also depressed because I'm 29 and single. I have no idea how I'll ever get a girl. This really stresses me out big time.

    I suppose I could delete the app store and my phone's camera. This would force me to stop watching porn. It would make my life a dream. I have to say, without porn is night and day. I am a work horse without it. I'm charismatic, fun, confident, playful, and I work on my goals like a beast. However, if I do this, I won't have a camera on my phone or the app store. This would suck so bad. It sucks that you can't just block certain apps. Maybe I'll delete the app store and the camera for a few months and see how it goes. It certainly can't hurt.

    My thing is, if it's not blocked, I literally can't stop. The only time I could stop was when I was consistently getting laid, which I'm not currently. When I was getting laid consistently, I was able to abstain. Now that it's summer, I literally can't stop taking creepshots. I hate to say it but it's true. And without getting laid, I can't stop looking at anything I can get my hands on, and the blocker can't stop everything. So that's where I'm at currently.

    Anyway, that's my story and my introduction. Hopefully, someone gets something out of it. I know I should post more and it would help my recovery tremendously. I plan on posting a lot more.
     
  2. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button |Day Counter | Rebooting Resources|Forum Rules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
     
  3. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    Hey,

    I'm looking for the guide in pdf format, but the link is directing me to the newsletter.

    Do you know where can i find the guide in a pdf format.

    Thanks
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  4. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    Pretty amazing story, It takes courage to share your problens like that respect to that. Stop porn and life will be yours again. I know that as soon as i will hit those first 30 days i'll become the monster again of achievement. With nofap you can nearly feel what it is to be a half god.
     
    Deleted Account and ryguyuplift like this.
  5. Try asking in the nofap technical support forum. Maybe @BuddhaPunkRobotMonk can help you out. :)
     
    the awakening likes this.
  6. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this. It's interesting, I literally feel like a god without porn. Like I can have, be, or achieve anything. With porn it's the exact opposite. I'm nothing.
     
    the awakening likes this.
  7. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 2

    Last night I deleted the creepshots. This morning started with major withdrawal symptoms. Basically strong cravings. I cruised the mall multiple times, but it's a rainy day and a Monday so there was nothing going on. It's like my body goes on autopilot and will do anything to find porn. The first few days, I don't know what to do with myself, and I feel the withdrawal kicking in. Very similar to smoking cigarettes. It's like someone just took your cigarettes and yes you can live life without them, but you crave them immensely. Almost like somethings crawling in your skin. This is the feeling I felt.

    I searched my laptop feverishly. Looking to find the videos. They're gone. Deleted. So, I started searching for pictures on google, through a third-party app. Nothing special there either. As a last resort, I searched the Tumblr app. Unfortunately, I struck gold. I found a bunch of new and exciting videos that I hadn't seen before. I was able to feed my addiction further.

    At first, I was bummed out about blocking the app store and camera on my phone. But now, I literally can't wait. I'm reaching the breaking point where the pain of porn is outweighing the pleasure of it. I don't know what will transpire over the next 2-3 weeks with my therapist on vacation, but when he comes back, I can't wait to take the next step in my recovery. It will be like a new lease on life. With the camera and app store blocked, there will be literally nothing to look at. I've been through this before and looked at volleyball videos on youtube, but it beats looking at everything under the sun.

    I'm hoping to utilize this period of everything being blocked to reset my system and reboot. It's the first step, and the only step I can see for my future right now. I'll just have to keep working on it.
     
  8. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    I can remember quitting weed and how hard it was. I can remember the withdrawal symptoms. The physical withdrawals were a lot worse than quitting porn. I would have night sweats. I needed to change my clothes and literally towel off multiple times per night. I also had diarrhea, like water.

    The mental withdrawal is almost identical however. It's the feeling of being placed back in the real world. You see, weed and porn are escapes. When I'm cruising websites or cruising the mall, or even masturbating, I'm escaping the real world. This is the feeling I crave most, to leave all of my stress behind and just escape. To be in another world, where no stress exists. In particular, to not be bored, not be lonely.

    With weed, it took me about a year to adjust to the real world. The physical withdrawals went away within a month or so, but it took about a year to put the pieces of my life together. At first, I was faced with a laundry list of problems, problems I had been ignoring for years. Over time, I put the pieces back together. Also, I got a life. I got a real-life, not an escape from life. Now, I don't crave weed at all. I've even smoked with friends. It was fun, but no relapse. I have literally no desire to go back to smoking weed all day every day.

    If I could quit porn for a full year, I would hope the same would happen. I would hope that I could readjust my brain and get to a point where I wouldn't even crave porn, where I wouldn't even desire to live a life watching porn every day. I've come a long way, and gone for stretches without porn that are the longest I've ever gone in my life, but I still haven't hit the point where I don't even desire it. It would be incredible if I could get to this point. Does it exist? Maybe one of you can chime in and tell me if you've experienced it. All I can do is work my ass off to keep porn out of my life and hope for the best.
     
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  9. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    Thanks bro
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    Yeah i feel the same but lastly i had a hard time to get over the 10-15 days.
     
  11. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    The start is always hard, do you meditate it helps a lot. One time a Fapstronaut on that forum wrote something really intersting. He says that when you get a urge that means you re stressed or that you have anxiety or another problem that you try to runaway. Think about that maybe.
     
  12. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    That's interesting. I could certainly try meditating and getting the stress down when I have an urge. I definetly get strong urges to escape when I'm super stressed out.
     
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  13. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 3:

    So last night I sort of hit a breaking point. This happens a lot with relapses. Often times after I've PMO'd so much that it's not even worth it anymore. So I deleted all my shit and did other things. I worked on my online business and made some posts online.

    I woke up this morning with some pretty crippling anxiety. Almost to the point of tears. This luckily cleared up pretty fast once I got to work and started focusing on other things. My sex drive came back immediately. I'm currently on a steroid cycle so my sex drive is ridiculous. It doesn't take much for it to come back full swing.

    So after working and going to the gym, I get home and think to myself, I really want to masturbate and fantasize about one of my coworkers, a girl I saw at the gym, etc. I've never had a problem with masturbation, just the porn.

    When I went to masturbate, the stimulation of my imagination wasn't enough to do hardly anything. This amazes me because I had no reason boners all day and I felt like I could have had sex on spot if you asked me to. I ended up relapsing with some porn. Luckily, no cruising through the mall or anything. I didn't even feel the slightest urge to do so. It's also starting to get sketchy because I've been there all weekend. So, I'm over that.

    My lesson moving forward is to not to try and masturbate for a few days after coming off of the porn. This way, I can resensitize myself to normal masturbation, and get back on track with regular life without porn. Today was a step in the right direction. Working always helps me do that, because I can't be bugging out at work due to porn or I'll lose my job, so I need to keep it cool and stay clean. The weekends are where things get bad for me. I seem to be getting back on track slowly but surely. I can't wait for my therapist to be back so I can block the app store.
     
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  14. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Do you go 30 days without watching porn or without masturbating all together?
     
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  15. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    The harder the better ahah for me it's all or nothing. I abstain my self from every sort of sexual distraction. It is hard but the benefits are incredible. I never tought this could change my life around but it did. With semen retention you think differently. But for me the better part is that when i'm on a high streak, i'm really proud of myself , of who i am becoming.

    I started loving myself, which is hard in this world, you know not many people really love themself and are proud of who they are. Not what but who.

    So yeah all together.

    But you know i always say that to my friend who tired it, the hardest part is really the first 30 days man trsut me as soon as you have hit that it becomes really easy at least for me but it seems it is for most people like that.
     
  16. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    Oh didn't know you were on a steroid cycle so yeah it's obviously harder since it increase your libido. Could i ask you since when you begin your cycle? I am going to the gym 3-4 times a week
     
  17. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    I started around July 1st, I'll be on until October 1st. Trying to make the most of it and gain as much as I can before I come off.
     
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  18. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome man. Ya I've tried completely abstaining and man it's hard. Like you said though, after 30 days it becomes habit and your body probably just readjusts. I'll need to give this more of an honest try.
     
    the awakening likes this.
  19. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 4:

    So, I woke up at 3AM this morning and couldn't sleep. I ended up relasping like an idiot. I guess I figured it would make me tired, but it didn't, it was just a waste of time.

    I certainly had some brain fog today, but the guilt and anxiety levels are way down. It's 830PM right now and mustering up the willpower to abstain is difficult. I've been thinking about Jim Rohn's quote, "you will either feel the pain of discipline or feel the pain of regret."

    I can relate to this a lot. I try to tell myself, I'll feel pain regardless. If I abstain, I'll feel the pain of discipline, but if I relapse, I'll feel the guilt and depression that comes with it.

    What's hard for me is my levels of willpower right now. After working all day, plus the gym, plus working 2 hours on my business, I'm freaking spent. I also gave my rental tenant a 30 day notice today, and this is causing a lot of stress. I'm not even horny but I still feel like I want to just escape. Escape the stress and responsibility of being disciplined.

    After looking at TheAwakening's comment, I can see that completely abstaining is possible. I just know that it will be a difficult habit to break. Like I said, I smoked weed all day every day for about a decade. The thought of going without it was unimaginable. However, after being clean for around 4 years, I don't even think about smoking weed. I wouldn't even want to go down that road again. Hopefully, I can abstain long enough to feel this way about porn.
     
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  20. the awakening

    the awakening Fapstronaut

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    But is it the first time doing a cycle ? because in general people who do cycle have years of training behind them. I find very intersting to know why you started. Personally i won't do it because of the side effects. Of course not everybody react the same way and some are pretty lucky with that but in the end it's still fucking hard to stop. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have more testo. You must feel invincible that must be crazy. But to me it would be too hard to stop. So i'd rather abstain.
     

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