JanFK
New Fapstronaut
Hey there guys.
Lets start about my story and how i got here so that you have an idea what type a guy i am. Its gonna be a pretty long post so yeah pe prepared.
Lets start in my childhood. I was very extrovert had many friends and spent a lot of the time outside enjoying my life. I was good with girls but never experienced anything romanticly with them.
I always wanted a girlfriend and wanted to fell in love, feel intimacy and trust in a person.
I got in Porn when i was 13 Years old, i started with vanilla Porn nothing special, but when i view back on me now, i realize that this was the beginning when i felt insecure and anxious. Through middle school i just played video games, masturbated and didnt really connect with other people. I had friends yes, but they were like me. I wanted to experience Party, making love and just live life.
The next step was High School i thought that everything would change there, that i will meet a girl or become a player. I dont know what i thought. My Expectations were unrealistic af. So yeah i was still pretty insecure and didnt changed anything in my life, i thought everything will come by itself. Btw i started to go to the gym when i was 14 but in the beginning i didnt make any progress.
So High School went by and my Porntaste morphed from vanilla to hardcore to Joi to femdom to sissy all that shit that fuckes up your brain. I never thought it would hurt me like that. The only thing i wanted was beeing with a girl and experince Intimacy, i always imagend like really romantic scenes with girls in my school and it felt beautiful.
Yet i was watching the weirdest stuff and i didnt know why it gave me such incredible feelings, when i was finished watching it i was like "What the Fuck" but i couldnt quit it. And i didnt see any reason for me to quit it, its just porn isnt it? I would never to that in reallife. I also went on dating platforms and talked with strangers about beeing their slave and stuff like that, some of them reported me some of them engaged in it and gave me fantasies about beeing a slut and suck dick and all that shit. I would never wanna do that, but it turned me on so bad i couldnt help myself.
So after High School i had accomplished nothing but my A-Levels, drivers licence and some gains. But i was still insecure, a virgin and a creep (Gosh how many girls i texted when i was drunk, so needy but so anxious when talking to them in reallife).
After HighSchool i went to Canada with a friend of mine. We stayed for circa 8 Months. In Montreal i had my first Kiss. I was 18 at that time. I didnt watched porn as much as i was used to, i felt better i changed my hairstyle and got more confident. I liked my look.
Then we went on a Roadtrip and i didnt have the chance to watch porn cause we slept in the car. I felt soooo good. I experienced Life. I met a Girl in Whistler i kissed her aswell and not only once. It was such a good time. I loved myself and the People around me, i loved beeing with them, working with them and we had so much fun.
But Yeah things come to an end and i went back to germany. I was a different person. I wanted to explore my Life and i saw all these opportunities. But my friends and the surrounding was the same and i got in old habits. I felt back in Porn and Videogames and smoked a lot of Weed. It was kinda cool, beacause i experinced really good times with my friends, but it wasnt that what i wanted. I wanted Love. A Girl.
I got Insecure again and felt bad about myself.
In 2019 i moved. I moved in a big City and went to Uni thinking everything would change and i will live the Life i always awanted. But guess what, i didnt change anything so, of course my Life didnt change. And then Corona hit.
My Life was: Studying,Video Games, Weed, Porn and Gym (i really made good progress). I gained a little bit of Confidence, because i improved my Body and tried new things, i started to getting in reading, creating Music. But my mind was always on the Topic "Girls". My friends had girls and told how they fucked this and that girl. And me still being a virgin. I just got so much pressure on me.
That was my Life for 2020.
In 2021 the clubs finally opened again and i wanted to get girls and on that one Day i met that Girl. She was in the same Unicourse and at first i didnt really noticed her. My expectations were really high and she wasnt really my type. But i got drunk and she got drunk, she paid a lot for me. And we kissed. And she we went to her home (Okt.2021).
We layed on her bed and kissed, i got so nervous. I was overwelmed with that situation and my legs started to shake. So i told her that i am too nervous and that this is my first time. She didnt belive me. She thought i was a Player and would never thought i was a virgin.
So i left. But visited her again a few days later and we had Sex. Or we tried. My Dick was fcking dead. She touched, She S**ked and it didnt move. I thought "Well can happen". She told me it happens and its not a big deal.
So we met again and again nothing. I started to worry. I stopped Porn. We tried again and i became a little bit better but i was still worried.
I became obsessed with the thought, that the Porn had formed my Brain so i could only get turn on by that nasty shit like Femdom and Sissy Stuff. I thought thats what i am now. A Slave and a sexfreak that wants to be Sissy and gets treated like a slut.
I didnt want to be like that so i started to quit Porn for good i am now on Day 45 or something.
I still meet this girl and we had Sex a lot and my dick stayed hard often, not always but it gets better. I told her about my Porn my habits and my fetish. Even tho i dont know if its really my Fetish or just Morphed Porn.
We tried the femdom stuff and i didnt like it as much as in my fantasies/ Porn.
Now yesterday we had incredible "Vanilla" Sex it had never been so good before.
But the next day so today the thought visiting a Domina came a cross my mind.
And it turned me so on. I dont know why. I am scared that i will do it and become addicted to it and become exactly that what i dont want to be. A 50 Year old man who gives all his money up for getting humiliated.
Do you Guys have any Advice to me? I have Problems with stopping MO. I often engage in those femdom Fantasies. it gives me such a rush. I dont have a problem with living out my fetish. But i want to controll it and dont want it to became the only way i can enjoy my sexuality. I want to fuck girls but my mind often tells me diffrent stuff. I dont know. My Brain seeks the easy way to get the highest Dopamin kick so i think it engages in those fantasies. I often cant control my Thoughts about it, i dream of it and it exhausts me. I dont sleep well. But the Experince yesterday gave me hope, cause it felt really really good.
Thank you for any Help
Lets start about my story and how i got here so that you have an idea what type a guy i am. Its gonna be a pretty long post so yeah pe prepared.
Lets start in my childhood. I was very extrovert had many friends and spent a lot of the time outside enjoying my life. I was good with girls but never experienced anything romanticly with them.
I always wanted a girlfriend and wanted to fell in love, feel intimacy and trust in a person.
I got in Porn when i was 13 Years old, i started with vanilla Porn nothing special, but when i view back on me now, i realize that this was the beginning when i felt insecure and anxious. Through middle school i just played video games, masturbated and didnt really connect with other people. I had friends yes, but they were like me. I wanted to experience Party, making love and just live life.
The next step was High School i thought that everything would change there, that i will meet a girl or become a player. I dont know what i thought. My Expectations were unrealistic af. So yeah i was still pretty insecure and didnt changed anything in my life, i thought everything will come by itself. Btw i started to go to the gym when i was 14 but in the beginning i didnt make any progress.
So High School went by and my Porntaste morphed from vanilla to hardcore to Joi to femdom to sissy all that shit that fuckes up your brain. I never thought it would hurt me like that. The only thing i wanted was beeing with a girl and experince Intimacy, i always imagend like really romantic scenes with girls in my school and it felt beautiful.
Yet i was watching the weirdest stuff and i didnt know why it gave me such incredible feelings, when i was finished watching it i was like "What the Fuck" but i couldnt quit it. And i didnt see any reason for me to quit it, its just porn isnt it? I would never to that in reallife. I also went on dating platforms and talked with strangers about beeing their slave and stuff like that, some of them reported me some of them engaged in it and gave me fantasies about beeing a slut and suck dick and all that shit. I would never wanna do that, but it turned me on so bad i couldnt help myself.
So after High School i had accomplished nothing but my A-Levels, drivers licence and some gains. But i was still insecure, a virgin and a creep (Gosh how many girls i texted when i was drunk, so needy but so anxious when talking to them in reallife).
After HighSchool i went to Canada with a friend of mine. We stayed for circa 8 Months. In Montreal i had my first Kiss. I was 18 at that time. I didnt watched porn as much as i was used to, i felt better i changed my hairstyle and got more confident. I liked my look.
Then we went on a Roadtrip and i didnt have the chance to watch porn cause we slept in the car. I felt soooo good. I experienced Life. I met a Girl in Whistler i kissed her aswell and not only once. It was such a good time. I loved myself and the People around me, i loved beeing with them, working with them and we had so much fun.
But Yeah things come to an end and i went back to germany. I was a different person. I wanted to explore my Life and i saw all these opportunities. But my friends and the surrounding was the same and i got in old habits. I felt back in Porn and Videogames and smoked a lot of Weed. It was kinda cool, beacause i experinced really good times with my friends, but it wasnt that what i wanted. I wanted Love. A Girl.
I got Insecure again and felt bad about myself.
In 2019 i moved. I moved in a big City and went to Uni thinking everything would change and i will live the Life i always awanted. But guess what, i didnt change anything so, of course my Life didnt change. And then Corona hit.
My Life was: Studying,Video Games, Weed, Porn and Gym (i really made good progress). I gained a little bit of Confidence, because i improved my Body and tried new things, i started to getting in reading, creating Music. But my mind was always on the Topic "Girls". My friends had girls and told how they fucked this and that girl. And me still being a virgin. I just got so much pressure on me.
That was my Life for 2020.
In 2021 the clubs finally opened again and i wanted to get girls and on that one Day i met that Girl. She was in the same Unicourse and at first i didnt really noticed her. My expectations were really high and she wasnt really my type. But i got drunk and she got drunk, she paid a lot for me. And we kissed. And she we went to her home (Okt.2021).
We layed on her bed and kissed, i got so nervous. I was overwelmed with that situation and my legs started to shake. So i told her that i am too nervous and that this is my first time. She didnt belive me. She thought i was a Player and would never thought i was a virgin.
So i left. But visited her again a few days later and we had Sex. Or we tried. My Dick was fcking dead. She touched, She S**ked and it didnt move. I thought "Well can happen". She told me it happens and its not a big deal.
So we met again and again nothing. I started to worry. I stopped Porn. We tried again and i became a little bit better but i was still worried.
I became obsessed with the thought, that the Porn had formed my Brain so i could only get turn on by that nasty shit like Femdom and Sissy Stuff. I thought thats what i am now. A Slave and a sexfreak that wants to be Sissy and gets treated like a slut.
I didnt want to be like that so i started to quit Porn for good i am now on Day 45 or something.
I still meet this girl and we had Sex a lot and my dick stayed hard often, not always but it gets better. I told her about my Porn my habits and my fetish. Even tho i dont know if its really my Fetish or just Morphed Porn.
We tried the femdom stuff and i didnt like it as much as in my fantasies/ Porn.
Now yesterday we had incredible "Vanilla" Sex it had never been so good before.
But the next day so today the thought visiting a Domina came a cross my mind.
And it turned me so on. I dont know why. I am scared that i will do it and become addicted to it and become exactly that what i dont want to be. A 50 Year old man who gives all his money up for getting humiliated.
Do you Guys have any Advice to me? I have Problems with stopping MO. I often engage in those femdom Fantasies. it gives me such a rush. I dont have a problem with living out my fetish. But i want to controll it and dont want it to became the only way i can enjoy my sexuality. I want to fuck girls but my mind often tells me diffrent stuff. I dont know. My Brain seeks the easy way to get the highest Dopamin kick so i think it engages in those fantasies. I often cant control my Thoughts about it, i dream of it and it exhausts me. I dont sleep well. But the Experince yesterday gave me hope, cause it felt really really good.
Thank you for any Help