my story and my purpose

Hello everyone, I am a 40-year-old from Madrid (Spain) married with two children.English is not my mother language, so I apologize for any mistakes.

I have a problem with pornography and I am telling you my story, to put it in context:

- I have a very high level of testosterone (blood test showed me).
- I started masturbating long before I could ejaculate. My earliest memories are from when I was 5 years old. I did it daily until I fell asleep. I didn't know what I was doing but I liked it and I made some fantasies that I still have memories of.
- My porn consumption started when i was 13-14 years, when I started to buy and steal porn magazines (I was not old enough to buy them. The owner of the kiosk near my house turned a blind eye).
- I went from playboy to High Society (more explicit). Soon after, I started watching VHS porn and accumulating tapes alongside my magazines. More or less a high but not problematic consumption of porn. I also used the Erotic telephone lines.
- Great time jump until about 12 years ago or so in which the websites of free porn videos and the explosion of cam shows became popular. This moment caught me when I was already living with my current partner and logically it greatly influenced our sexual life.
- My wife began to be less proactive and stopped taking the initiative due to my continuous rejection of her advances (I had already masturbated or wanted to connect to the cams when she went to bed).
- During these years I calculated when I masturbated so as not to interfere in our relationships but it is very difficult to know when your partner wants to have them.
- Current situation: due to COVID I have been telecommuting since March and my company wants to maintain this situation until it is safe to return to the office. My wife has returned to work and I am alone at home ... working. I would like that, because after 8 hours of work, I can be watching porn for around 5-6 hours. I no longer ejaculate since I prefer to do it when I have sex with my wife. If I continue like this, they will fire me. It's funny that your boss calls you while you're watching porn and you're jerking off.
- I would like my wife to be so passionate and proactive again, since now we only have relationships when I start the game. My wife is very good in bed, we do everything and I can't complain one bit.
- My erections are not as vigorous as they should be and on occasion it has been difficult for me to get an erection with my partner (she has not realized it). Not long ago during a relationship she asked me several times to stop penetrating her to masturbate and I don't know if it was part of the game but I'm afraid it was because the erection was weakening.

I add two other problems to my problem with porn: I'm addicted to cannabis and I started to be addicted to beer too. Compulsive use, which affects my life and my family life. Instant dopamine segregation is what drives my life. I have not tasted beer for 20 days and I am reducing cannabis consumption to just 1 joint a day, which I plan to leave in a couple of weeks.

I join the community to see if this way I can eradicate my consumption of pornography. Today, well not today, because this morning I was already taking a walk through chaturbate, I want it to be the beginning of a new sexual life.

I will try to learn from you and together reach maturity. The psychiatrist Enrique Rojas in the book The languages of desire, tells us that masturbation in the adult stage is a symbol of immaturity and lack of self-control, where you are not able to wait to give normal output to those impulses with your partner.

Greetings to all and the journey begins !! Tomorrow is the day.