my story from as far as I can remember,

well,I guess it all started when I was about 6 or so, the very first thing I can remember is walking home from school one day and I seen a spray painted image of a naked women and remember getting some kind of arousal from it. not entirely sure what it ment but I got somewhat excited. it's hard for me to remember how I linked that image of that women with sex, but I did. but I'm pretty sure shortly after we got a computer for Xmas that year and so it began, I was told about masturbation by my brother and one of his friends and was immediately intrigued,it wasn't long till I linked images of naked women to masturbation and I was amazed on the feeling it gave me, still as I was in grade 2 I went to school and asked one of my brothers friends if he wanted to join my sex club. this consisted of drawing naked women in the sand box at school, well like you would expect he told my brother and my brother told my mom. I remember so vividly sitting on the top of my bunk bed crying as my mom questioned the hell out of me and was threatening to take me to the police station for a polygraph test, my step dad at the time was a police officer. still not sure if he ever found out about that or not. after that traumatizing moment I knew what I was doing was wrong, so I didn't consume any porn for quite a few years, but the masturbation was a constant, my mom and step dad decide to get a divorce and I was left with no constant father figure after that. my mom began to be promiscuous and I seen quite a few different men come in and out of the house, none of which were healthy relationships, there was a lot of abuse, physical and emotional. I remember laying in bed late at night and having to listen to the noises coming from the next room over, and it was scaring. when I was about in grade 7 or 8 my mom found a steady guys and we moved in to his house till I graduated, but during that time there was a lot of trauma done to me.


going to leave that there for now and continue my story later

 

for the most part I kept to myself and only masturbated in the shower, running the water for noise so I wasn't heard. although there was a few times in the summer where I would go buy a condom from a public washroom, and go out for a walk in the bush, find a spot where I couldn't be seen, and masturbate. we also had a computer downstairs that I was always on, gaming for hours after school till I was yelled at to go to bed and sometimes before school, I've always been hooked on games. it wasn't long till I realized how to work the printer hooked up to the computer, and I began to print off pictures late at night when everyone was sleeping, fold them up and store them in my wallet that I strictly only had to store my printed pictures, it was easy to hide so therefore easy to carry them to the washroom when I went to shower, I also started to draw, at first it was of sports and things I enjoyed outside of my addiction, dirtbiking, bmx, and nature. then I realized I can draw porn, I started drawing the pictures I would print and pictures of my own penis when no one was home. there was actually one time when I left that wallet in the bathroom and my brother found it, I was leaving the house by that time so he opened up one of my drawings and put it on the window as I was leaving,I was so embarrassed I just ran, he didn't go to my mom this time, I just found my wallet in my room when I got home, we did not talk about it. at this time I didn't think it was bad, just something that had to be kept private, I thought everyone did it, so its normal. I'm not exactly sure how I found them but I realized my middle brother had porn magazines hidden in his dresser, he had maybe about 6 but I took about half of them and kept them in my room, knowing he wouldn't ask were his mags went, what kid would. its shameful and embarrassing, at this time I have had one girlfriend for 2 years and was petrified to even try and kiss her, I remember before going over to her house or something trying to pump myself up looking in the mirror saying, '' tonight is the night, your going to have sex'', but it never happened. I was always way to scared, in grade 9 she broke up with me because I was to ''fridged'', her and all her friends told me so. she ended up dating a grade 12 the rest of high school.

during all this time in the new house with my moms fiance by now, it was absolute chaos, my mother had developed quite a bad drinking problem, and the house was always on eggshells, I watched her get thrown in jail on a number of occasions for domestic violence and being heavily intoxicated. I never knew who or what I was coming home to, so a lot of the time I would go biking in town for hours to get away from it and end up biking home down the highway for about 20kms at all hours of the night, I had also developed suicidal thoughts, all my friends, brothers, brother friends and even my own family would call me ugly, and constantly compare me, to my brothers. ''why can't you be like your brothers'' '' look how handsome your brother are, what happened to you?'' etc, and as far as I knew from what my mother told me, my biological father didn't care about me either. all of this was pretty consistent though high school. there was also times were my mom would tell me she hopes to get hit by a train on her way to work, and that she was tempted to kill herself every time she spent a night in the police station, and I was so embarrassed because all of my friends heard all the stories and would tell me ''your mom is crazy'' but I did my best to ignore everything and try to stay in my own world. towards the end of summer when I was going in to grade 11 things got very bad and I knew something was going to happen. then shortly after, one night when I was working night shift at a grocery store my brother came at about 2am and said to me, ''hey go quit your job, were moving, come home and pack your shit'' and it didn't even surprise me, I was just like ok, so I quit my job went home and started packing, we moved the next day to Alberta,

 

so I started school in grade 11 actually back in my home town when I was in kindergarten, so I ran in to some of my old friends from that time, it was quite comforting, I started talking to a girl in grade 9 and we started to hang out one and more and started to date, my mom was very upset about this but I did not care. we were both virgins to start but ended up having a relationship filled with sex, this put my porn use to basically a stand still, I felt no interest in it because I was finally doing what I had always dreamed of, I guess I felt complete. this went on for about 6 months till the day came where all of a sudden I was told by that same brother who told me we are moving the first time, that I need to break up with my girlfriend because we were moving back to B.C.. I felt huge resentment to my mother and hated her for it because again I had to drop everything, say bye to my girlfriend and my friends yet again with little to no notice.. so again I quit my job, said my quick goodbyes and off we were. we did I might add try a long distance relationship but that did not work out because she ended up cheating on me with an older guy, this was shattering because I was hooked on what we had.

so there I was back to the town we just moved away from now I'm grade 12, wanting to find that connection that I was torn away from by my mother, it was a new year so new faces in school, I remember walking down the hall in school when I seen this girl and just teased her by waving my lunch bag in her face, in the next class my friend who was also friends with her said that she was looking for a ''fuck buddy'',I got her name and number from my friend and stared to text her, turns out she said she was joking what she said and I said I was to, I offered her a ride home after school and that was the plan, she asked me to come in for a bit and immediately lunged on me, that was the start of my new found relationship, only thing was, I found out she was only 14, she did not look 14, soon after her mom came home and she didn't seem surprised, she actually brought her daughter home condoms and lube from the hospital she worked at, I talked to her mom and she told me straight up that its ok and she had given me consent to date her daughter regardless of the age gap, so we started dating and my porn use was still there but slowed down, until she wanted to watch it together, then it slowly became a normality in ours relationship, being open with the porn made my mind believe it was ok and my porn use spiked,which continued through our sex based relationship till I graduated.

after I graduated I knew that I would have to move eventually so I thought I would make it easier to break up with her before that time went on, looking back now I think its because I was getting gratification elsewhere, though self, shortly after my cousin had a wedding that my family attended in Saskatchewan, which turned out to be quite the gong show, cops showed up, there was fights with hotel staff and a good portion of my family got ejected from the hotel.. after the wedding my mom had a great idea and decided not to bring me back to B.C. but to desperately find me a place to live so I didn't go back, we stopped in what seemed like every town actually looking at rental places for me and having job interviews, I still hold a lot of resentment for what my mom did that summer. but there was no luck on jobs and in rental places so we made it to Edmonton and she decided she would leave me with my oldest brother, I had no choice. so yet again without any heads up I was forced to leave my friends without goodbyes and start my new life here in Edmonton.

by this time my porn intake was a daily activity, every night before bed, I had I little portable DVD player I would watch movies on that I bought. it wasn't long after that that I starve to really experience partying and drinking every weekend, an old friend from B.C. moved up and was in to all sorts of drugs, he moved in after some time and we would party every weekend, from weed to coke to oxys to perks, he was always bringing home different women from the bars, I was not. my self of steam was quite low from my young age. there was some times I would get a girl home but I never wanted a one night stand, I wanted a true relationship. always have, I always pushed for something more, I needed that connection. after a I got in to the rave scene and started doing a lot of ecstasy I found a girl I really liked and we dated for about 2 years, by now I had that relationship I wanted but my daily use of porn and masturbation continued, by this point it was just something I did by myself, no harm on foul. that relationship ended and I found myself working out of town in camp for a couple of years, I did steroids to make myself feel better and boy did they work, my self esteem was though the roof. I could finally be like my older, bigger brothers.

a girl I went to school with in B.C. reached out to me and we started to talk and began to get close, she lived in fort Mac where I was working, we talked and hung out for a few months before we actually engaged in sex. about a month in to our sexual relationship she told me she was pregnant but here is the kicker,it wasn't mine, but I wanted to be the man I thought my dad never was so I accepted it and stayed and helped her though the abortion, it was her choice to do it, I just supported her.

EDIT November 21st 2018:

I continued to date her for 2-2 1/2 years and this is where I think my addiction really amplified up. at first it was a pretty 'normal'' sex life, but as the relationship when on I obviously learned more about her and the experimenting started, I got approached by some of her friends who were swingers and they wanted to exchange partners, I rejected because I would never think of being with someone other than my s.o, she claimed she never swung but I had a hard time believing that due to she used to live with some. and then the complications happened, my gf at that time was diagnosed with cervical cancer prior to of and beat it, but not without complications, she also had endometriosis and was severely allergic to gluten, soy, sulphite, you name it. so after we moved I'm together I was forced to change my diet because about after a year she became allergic to my seamen.. my food intake transferred to my seaman thus she became allergic, and to top it off she was allergic to latex so condoms were kind of out of the question too. throughout this time we would spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars on sex toys, and all sorts of stuff including signing up for a good number of porn websites, probably spent about 1000$ on video sites alone, so porn became a very open thing in our relationship, I would get home from work and it would be playing on the tv, and computers, a lot of this is because it was hard to be traditionally sexual with each other due to her being in pain, or being allergic. she even offered on a number of occasions to get an escort for me, I always declined because again, I always only wanted to be with my s.o.. there was also a lot of fights and frustrations because I couldn't be traditionally sexual with her and I wasn't going to change my diet anymore because nothing was working. at this point I began to become more interested in chat rooms, I wasn't able to get that true connection with my s.o, and wanted to feel wanted. I began sexting random women from an app I used to used, it did not not start sexual with this app, till I realized it could be used for it. exchanging pictures and talking to eachother. this gave me the feeling that they wanted me for me, there was no stress around sex at that point. I felt wanted. the relationships became very stressful and full of arguments, I wanted to break up with her for about a year but I never could, there was never a ''good'' time, she was very prick at this point and was in and out of the hospital quite often, this made it hard to break that tie, so I just dealt with it. I was still also in to partying and raves which she did not like, towards the end I figured the only way I could end the relationships was to cheat, I never thought I would, but I thought I had on choice, soon I went to a music festival and ended up cheating on her with a 43 year old all weekend. my ex at the time was there and continually told me not to because I had a girlfriend, that didn't bother me, I knew what I was doing.. after the festival I came home, and my girlfriend wanted to have sex, I declined and told her I cheated on her, the relationship was over. i dated that women from the festival for about 3 weeks, even brought her over to my parents place for a fire...my mom was not impressed to say the least. I learned she had 2 children and it seemed like she didn't even want in the first place, she wanted to party and do drugs all the time, thats not what I ever wanted in a relationship. so I stopped talking to her and she was furious. sadly that not where my addition ended. after a couple weeks for some reason I ended up getting back with my ex despite the pain I caused her and how dysfunction the relationship was, that didn't last for long because it became way to much and I was back right where I left off..

this is now the part that truly hurts me the most and is the hardest to write about.

I quickly jumped in to another relationship, I was in school at the time and have had a thing for this girl in my trade class for about 2 years. even just thinking about what I did now seems unbelievable. we started hanging out and becoming close, before we even had sex I was madly in love with her, i never felt this before in past relationships, it was so fast, I knew she was the one. by this time I was neck deep in to my addiction. the relationship grew fast it was everything I ever wanted, we got a place together shortly after a month of dating, and I still can't believe this, I asked my ex what the plan was with all our sex stuff and I wanted some of it, looking back now this was absolutely fucked to do, but I did it, I had the stuff before we moved in together. and I know now that I pushed my s.o and made her feel sexually uncomfortable.. fuck no kidding I wonder why... some time was passed and I knew what I was doing was bad, she knew I watched porn but not to the extent I was at. I decided to quit it all, this only worked for a few weeks as I was still masturbating pretty much daily, it slowly crept back in to my life, then the rationalizations started, I would never cheat on her physically, I'm always going to be there when she needs me, its not real, I'm looking at a screen. this made me believe what I was doing was ok. this happened a few times, I quit it came back,I quit, it came back, I quit it came back stronger. by this time we have been living together for a year, we decided to buy a house, I was amazed, my life was finally everything I wanted. finally things were looking up for me, I was madly in love and found my soulmate, but this stupid addiction was killing me and I didn't even know it, after livin in our new house my addiction escaladed, after some time, I found myself looking at videos and images that went against my morals, I discovered ts porn, the first few times I was disgusted in myself,actually the whole time I was disgusted. so I gave it up, but it came back stronger, I started saving these videos on my phone and putting them on a flash drive, never went back to watch them, I was just collecting, there was always and endless amount of material so why? I also began to buy more toys, some the s.o knew about, but quite a few she did not, I kind of had them hidden in our bathroom., and then came d-day, our son was about 2 months till due and I had left the computer on and as she walked by it the screen turned on, I can only imagine what filth she seen, and I can now imagine how much it tore her apart, I was so ashamed, so embarrassed. felt like my world was over, I was disgusted in myself, that when I first started to feel relief in hurting myself, never with blades or anything, but punching myself, hitting myself with stuff mostly damage to my hands and legs so I can feel it all day,


she also went and found my iPad which had had chats and pictures from the women, and some men by this time that have been exchanged. I felt so disgusting,, this had to be the end, the first time I was caught it caused a lot of wreckage and and tension, and rightfully so, the second time I was caught she ransacked the house and found everything! all my books, DVDs and toys were scattered all over the spare bedroom, as hard as it was in glad that happened, I seen all my filth and shame all at once and it was disgusting, but I was in over my head at this point, I threw it all out, burnt what I could, I swore up and down that that was it, it was over. but I fell back in after a month or two later but not to the extent I was at before, I eliminated the chat rooms. I told myself that I would never do that again, but my porn usage continued to slowly build up yet again to the point of going against my morals again, it got me again, but I wasn't doing the chat rooms so I told myself it was ok yet again..nope, wrong again... after some time of building that trust I got again it happened, she was having a gut feeling, and she was right, she searched again and found my flash drive, as I got home from work and went in the shower she wanted to see my phone, said no because I fell again, that conversation went around in circles, then she told me she found that fucking drive, and I honestly forgot about it, but when she asked, I hit me but I lied and said ''what drive'', knowing damn well I knew what she was talking about, but I wasn't on chat rooms so I told myself it was ok.. but I didn't6 want her to see that filth again so she never got my phone, after asking me a million times for the password and me rejecting to give it to her, my phone was smashed. i was done.

then we started to go to counselling and after awhile I didn't feel the need for porn again, I went just over 90 days sober from it all, that was until our councillor said it would be ok if I were to have a magazine... a hard copy that visible. my s.o. agreed even though it went against her gut because the counsellor said it was ok so we agreed that a magazine only would be acceptable... I said I don't want it its evil and I still stand by that today. so then the time came when my s.o went t out of town and I was alone in the house with just my thoughts, I fought it for a couple days but that acceptance and being ''aloud''toget a magazine got me, it reeled me in again, so I went out and bought a magazine, knowing damn well it came with DVD, when she got home it took me a little bit but I got the courage to tell her, I told her when she was gone I went out and bought a magazine, that went relatively well, then I also said that it came with a DVD and I watched it, that did not in over so well, there was screaming and yelling and I felt ashamed, rightfully so, I was given an inch but I took a mile. this hurt because I was being open and honest but got a negative outcome, and it was back to therapy we went, this time it was with a women counsellor, she had a whole different view on this and told me right away that this is a problem, therapy went but I was still afraid, she gave me information about sa but it took me awhile to finally get the courage to call, set up a meet and attend my first meeting

 

thanks for the kind words, writing all this stuff out is helping me realize what trauma I have caused in the years to this date, also all the trauma built up in me and how my addiction developed through the need to escape, I keep editing my post so if you want to keep reading it might be a little difficult to follow, my new posts now will be a new post