My story. (HOCD and more)

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Advocate109, Aug 11, 2019.

  1. Advocate109

    Advocate109 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys and gals. This is my first post and im basically doing it so i dont compulse and/or PMO. But my story goes like this. Sorry if its scattered, it comes with my adhd/ocd AND theres a lot to tell.
    Im a 23 year old male in a relationship that is very important to me. I have intrusive thoughts about being gay because of the porn that i used to enjoy(and still might, idk i havent been able to watch it without basically shaking from fear).
    My entire childhood and adolescence I just wanted a girl. Its always been a dream of mine to find a beautiful girl and romantically spoil the shit out of her. Ive only had crushes on females, usually little blonde girls but my crushes werent just limited to little blonde girls (asian girls, hawaiian girls, you name it. I basically had a crush on every girl i saw in middle school). Around age 10-13 (im not really sure it kinda blends together) i found my dads playboys in the bathroom and i enjoyed the crap out of that. I ended up getting a computer in my room and it was game over from there. I would watch lesbian porn mostly, but after that got dull, i would look for real girls on omegle or id go on a deep internet dive. Eventually, around like 14 i think, my friends showed me sonic porn as something they made fun of. I was very intrigued by this (i wasnt really a fan of sonic growing up so it wasnt too weird for me) i remember clipping the lesbian scenes for later.
    I eventually, around senior year of highschool, found these comics on the internet after some searching and very much enjoyed them. There were tons of em. One day i accidentally stumbled onto a bisexual one. Now keep in mind, these are sonic characters, so they almost have neutral gender body shapes. I didnt think much of it at the time, but i kept looking at the bisexual and gay sonic comics until i eventually switched to gay furry comics and pictures. They had more shape to them, but most of them were very femanine in their figures and what not. This eventually turned into watching transgender porn and occassionally even gay porn (usually hands free orgasm stuff as i was intrigued by this). Its important to note that during this whole process i also kept watching lesbian porn and other forms of straight porn. Eventually, around 19 (this is when it was going on the heaviest) i had a thought like "what if i AM gay." I never was attracted to a guy in person, but the thought of submitting aroused me.
    Lets back up a little bit to freshman year of college. First thing i noticed when i got to college was the girls. Basically it was like heaven for me to look at, but being awful with women, i didnt really get laid like at all. I had a few sexual encounters for sure but no sex. However, i developed a HUGE crush on this girl in my dorm hall. Like a HUGE crush. Too bad everyone else also had a crush on her. I didnt really persue her but we were really good friends. We lived together sophmore year and i maintained my crush on her even though we had sort of a falling out friendship wise. Lets call her Meg for anonymity reasons.
    This whole time im watching gay furry porn and getting more intrigued by submission. Start looking up prostate orgasms and what not.
    Here comes the end of my junior year i still have a crush on meg, still watching that porn, AND having HOCD thoughts every now and then. I actually went to Megs new house (like an hour away) and i asked her out. Turns out that she REALLY wanted to say yes but she had just started seeing someone else. I was pretty heartbroken.
    I went into a depression for like a month. Thats when i met Sydney (another fake name for anonymity). Sydney was not my usual type. She was a very dominate person in the bed but she was also very non sexual (in the sense that she didnt like sex too much). This relationship was pretty strange. She made me stop being friends with Meg, she would constantly shame me if i got a random erection, and she was so unpredictable. Eventually there was a lot of friction in our relationship and i told her about my porn habbits. IMMEDIATELY she accused me of being gay. This triggered a big anxiety reaction in me. Maybe i was gay? I was getting off to all this shit whatbif i was gay?
    I told her listen, im attracted to women, and im interested in being dominated and thats really all i know for sure. So we tried pegging. I enjoyed it, but not as much as i would have liked to (i was hoping to have a prostate orgasm). We only did it like 2-3 times. Eventually she started to shame me for this too, as well as the furry porn. An example would be like a dog walks in 5he room and i pet it and she says something like "you and animals... its just weird."
    So needless to say we broke up. Immediately i texted Meg to be friends with her again and Meg basically told me she made a huge mistake by saying no to me in the past and she was ready to be with me. Meanwhile im having HOCD worries that i might be gay, but i pursue her anyways because that was all i ever wanted. After about 2 months after the breakup with sydney, we were seeing eachother. Everything felt very right when i wasnt having OCD moments. But the more i tried to rid myself of my kink and OCD thoughts the more and more they came after me. I thought that just not watching transexual or furry porn i would stop wanting to submit and then my HOCD would go away. While my desire to submit IS decreased (its definitely still there) my anxiety and OCD have been at an all time high. I think its because i genuinely do love Meg and OCD attacks whats important to you, and my entire life what has been important is being super romantic with a female. Anyways, this worrying caused me to seek out therapy, i saw a therapist who specialized in gay affirmation therapy and male sexuality. Basically, he told me im probably not gay, i may be bi, but im probably just a straight guy whos attracted to gay sex to an extent. Basically he said theres a lot of them out there. He also said i probably have HOCD. So i hVe been seeing an OCD therapist but ive been scared to do my exersizes in fear thT it will turn me gay and i wont be able to spend my life with Meg, who i love soooo much. My anxiety levels about this are almost the highest theyve ever been but i have read that CBT makes it worse before it gets better, and ive been half assinf my exercises.

    Ive tried NOFAP once before for this but i eventually dipped back into porn. Its very hard to not watch strait porn to assure myself im not gay, im almost a week into NOFAP and im having a very hard time right now to not watch porn. If anyone could offer up some support without reassurance or the opposite of reassurance that would be super helpful.
    Coffee Candy and Deleted Account like this.
  2. Hello and welcome! :)

    We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

    Getting Started Guide | How to Use the NoFap Forums | Panic Button |Day Counter | Rebooting Resources|Forum Rules | Glossary

    If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

    You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

    There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!
  3. Hey welcome to the forum its good to meet you and have fighting the good fight alongside us

    Some advice:
    Be sure and give a look through all the threads, you might find something to be of great help to you.

    I strongly advise you to be active on your profile; start by choosing an avatar and then make daily posts to show you're active and needing support/encouragement. They've got a neat little feature that shows freshly posted statuses for all users to see. People will find your profile and give you
    ★People love to communicate in the profiles section and also the journal section. These are 2 of the most important sections. Also, we could always use your help in supporting members around the forum and in return you most likely will receive some as well!

    You should also highly consider creating a public journal (in the appropriate section[<-- link] for you ) and write about your days in more depth for us members to follow along on your journey!

    Last but not least: Good luck on your journey here, make sure to really give it a try with all your heart!
  4. Porn is trash

    Porn is trash Fapstronaut


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