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My Story/ Hocd Details

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Pixelated Victory, Jul 13, 2015.

  1. Pixelated Victory

    Pixelated Victory Fapstronaut

    Hello people,
    I am brand new to NoFap, but have heard of this site on Youtube before. I started masturbating in general probably around the age of 12 and pretty much have consistently done it everyday for 6-7 years usually ranging between 1-3 times a day. Porn was sometimes in the picture, but most of the time I used my imagination.

    I am now 19 and about a month ago I developed this scary condition called HOCD, which I assume some of you already are aware of. It all started when I had this disturbing gay dream that involved my friend. I have to see him everyday because I work with him, so the next day was pretty uncomfortable. I started to question my sexuality and if I actually enjoyed the dream. My mind turned my world completely upside down. I started to examine guys more closely, even though it was not wanted at all. "Am I attracted to him?", I would ask over and over again. And then the intrusive gay sex thoughts arrived. My mind would go searching for any questionable thing I may have done in the past as premises to prove that I could be gay/ bi. I decided to abstain from PMO and MO, because I believed that would only fuel this evil deception even more. I went two full weeks without masturbating out of pure fear and disgust. The next two weeks I only MO'd twice.

    I have never had feelings for a man. I WANT to be a straight male that is attracted to women and attracts women. Although my addiction to masturbation was strong, it never got to the point where I was jerking off to any gay things. When I was much younger, maybe 14 or so and couldn't use the higher quality sites from my iPod touch at the time, sometimes gay porn pop ups would show up even though I was watching straight sex. That's about as much gay porn I've seen in my life, just a few pop ups years ago, yet it still scars my brain.

    If these intrusive gay thoughts turn out to be from porn (just from seeing naked dudes give it girls), hopefully my abstinence from PMO and MO will destroy them all together. I have only masturbated four times in the past month, and hopefully with NoFap I can completely get rid of this bad habit. All I want is a normal life, free of HOCD and a healthy, masturbate- free sex life.

    If any of you conquered HOCD or are still trying to, lets support each other. Thanks.
  2. As you'll hear me say a lot, this is just another case of a person not processing their emotions...

    The only reason this HOCD thing is a struggle for you is because you are literally striving against your own emotions. Allow your mind and emotions to relax and stop battling against them. I'm not in any way saying you are gay, but so what if you was? Why should there be shame in that?

    To allow this HOCD to leave you, you just need to feel the emotion of being gay even if you technically are not. Just let the emotion in you have it's way. Let the emotion run it's course. It is your fear of being gay that is actually causing the HOCD in the first place. Once you just the emotion pass through you, the war will cease.

    You're probably not gay, but until you let the emotion that you "are gay" pass through you, this will never stop. Does that make sense? Just stop fighting with the emotion in general. Gay or not gay, it doesn't matter. Let your body and it's emotions have it's way. You just need to allow yourself to experience your fear of being gay.

    This is called emotional processing and it works.

    Many men battled with this in their teens. It's not uncommon at all. You just grow out of it. I'm 26 now, but when I was about age 17-19, I battled with this for a short while. Obviously looking back, I'm just realising it was just hormones, or PMO. I have no idea, but the key for you right now is just let the emotion run it's cause and pass through you and this thing will be cured. You cannot strive with your own emotions. It will just result in further chaos.

    Since then I've never had those feelings again. Almost all men go through it.
  3. Pixelated Victory

    Pixelated Victory Fapstronaut

    True. I think I am just going through a tough time right now. At this age my hormones are still going wild especially while quitting a long masturbation addiction my equipment is constantly tingling down there. I have to look at myself in the mirror and pull myself closer to my anxiety of being gay. Hopefully this will bring my natural sexuality back to life and free of any stress. Thanks for the response.
    AlltheRageBackHome likes this.
  4. Arvind

    Arvind Guest

    im 15 hi im brand new too
    AlltheRageBackHome likes this.
  5. DKO

    DKO Fapstronaut

    Abstaining from PMO will most likely help you with your HOCD since you are rebooting to your factory settings. I used to have some serious HOCD (got an ulcer from the stress) and the best thing that I did to end it was by quitting PMO
    and by doing research on HOCD. Remember that even because you get aroused by a member of the same sex doesn't mean that you're gay, and sexuality isn't just black or white. There have been stories about guys who would never try to experiment sexually with the same sex but would MO to gay porn for a higher dopamine hit. Go through a decent period of time on a reboot (without MO is the best way) and see what differs. Hope this helps.
    chsirhc likes this.

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