My Story - I'm Finally Here

some thoughts based on my opinion/my experience...with various addictions over the course of my life. Either you are an addict or you're not. There is no gray area. If you've come to this site, you are an addict. Enough crap has happened in your life because of PMO that has brought you here. For me, the acceptance of that fact was huge. Reading about others' stories opened my eyes as to how pervasive PMO has been in my life for 30+ years. So now I see myself as a PMO addict, that's all there is to it. That's what I face in the mirror everyday. I acknowledge what I am, my potentially unhealthy habits related to that addict, and an awareness of facing what I have to do minute by minute to stay safe. With the help of others on this site, I've become aware of all the negative consequences of my PMO addiction and how that is not what I want my life to be. And to avoid those consequences I looked at my addiction head-on and created a tool kit of techniques to be aware of my triggers, and either avoid them or deal with them. Coming to this site helps a lot in all cases. For me it varies from focusing on my addiction all the time especially when starting this process or at certain times/situations when I know I am at risk, to not focusing on it all. Here's the thing - over time situations that always used to trigger me sometimes now barely register. But when the urge comes at me I say to myself "there it is, hello urge" - that is who I am. ok, now to my coping technique. And over time it happens without even thinking about it, it just gets done. And when it doesn't happen that easily, that's when I get more help from my own toolkit or by coming to this site. I've been trying to quit for 30 years. Before this last streak, I relapsed 13 times in 90 days. so I ain't got this beat yet. but for some reason in the last week it hasn't been so difficult. but I know that just around the corner it might be...a random pic on the internet of some hottie in a skimpy and clickety click there I am getting set up for failure and a PMO session. this is just my journey. thanks to everyone for their support. stay strong.

 

MythDunk - thanks for your thoughtful reply and sharing your story. yeah I was in and out of therapy for years for the abuse thing. never addressed the PMO. and yes it helped generally. I admire your willingness to take sole responsibility for your actions. Agree with you that we can't keep blaming something that happened decades ago for our bad behavior today. I appreciate your insights and encouragement. For whatever reason, this last week has gotten easier. I seem to have cleared (at least for right now) the constant stream of P thoughts. and have achieved some clarity how to address the triggers when they appear. The support of this forum and guys like you are so helpful. Keep on it!

 

Two days ago it was easy. The last day, not so much. I am getting "the distraction". I've been really clear for the last 5 days but since last night I've been haunted by some P memories that is really gripping me. Like gripping my body physically. almost succumbed but I put the phone in another room and went to sleep. That b1tch is back now and I am digging into my toolkit to steer clear. Damn creepy how this urge is settling in and not going away. wtf?! gotta stay strong.

 

No relapse! Another day ahead. Good to go.

 

It has been a tough few days. About Friday or so I got the urges and was badly distracted by memories of P and it stayed with me until this morning, as I had an urgent work thing that refocused my attention. Yesterday was horrible - outside in a park with all the women in their warm weather attire etc etc. I'd see some little fitness bunny in her running shorts and then get hit with P imagery and round and round it went. Ugh. I'm at three weeks today which is probably the longest I've been without any M in my adult life. A comforting and scary thought at the same time. The urge is almost a physical pull like I feel it in my body. I am feeling drawn to the addiction. I spent a bunch of time here early this morning and it was helpful, but I feel like any moment the addiction going to grab me and it will be a real struggle.

 

Day 23 - it's been a challenging last 5 days feeling a constant urge. Wondering what is the point of this effort? Do I need to PMO to answer that question to myself - AGAIN? what is it about PMO that makes me feel like it should be a regular part of the day?

 

Wow man - yes lots of similarities. I think many of us experience the same ill effects of our same bad behavior. It's both scary and encouraging to read someone else's honest admission and realize holy sh1t that's my story! I find it really helpful to read the detail cuz it shocks me that it's my same gross story and gives me strength to not recreate that experience and put another bad memory in the book of my life. When you write down that you've been at it for 8 hours at a time and yanked 4 or 5 O's - jeez that is not good for you. Not normal behavior. How would you feel if you had to tell your mother, wife or daughter about how you spent your day? You'd have to lie and that is what we are trying to avoid - the lies to ourselves and others. Your analogy that birds can fly over head with out nesting in your hair is a good one! I'll have to remember that. You have good techniques for battling the moment to moment issues we all face as PMO addicts. I appreciate those reminders. And something about the past abuse - yeah that sh1t happened but I had to learn some years ago that I couldn't use that as an excuse for my bad behavior TODAY - not just PMO but how the abuse had rewired my brain and was making me react in certain ways in intimate relationships with women. And in general. So it was a real effort to reprogram my emotions and reactions that wasn't based on being an abuse victim but rather a survivor. stay in the moment. Stay strong.

 

thanks man - that is super helpful guidance!

 

I'm just coming out of my roughest patch of temptation - almost near constant reminders of my favorite old scenes/pornstars for the last 4-5 days. Everywhere I looked there was a female form or image - in person, tv, internet, mail order catalog, wherever - that got me thinking of sexual imagery and wondering about how much fun it would be to have a good PMO session, for old times sake. I'll admit to these weaknesses and that without the support of this community, reading positive stories of staying on-track and those of our brothers that fell off the wagon, I would have relapsed and probably not just a little bit but a big time bender. Thank you everyone. I feel today, Day 25, that I've grown more confident and skilled at dealing with my addiction. The really cool thing is that I am finding a well of compassion and kindness for the people in my real life that are struggling with the issues of the world today and their own personal battles. Somehow not acting out on my PMO obsession is leaving me with energy that I can share with others to be a good listener and offer encouragement and real help if necessary. In giving we receive. I am seeing there are so many benefits to PMO-free life that provides inspiration to stay sober. Be well everyone - stay strong.

 

during last year prior to the wife leaving me before the lockdown the beginning symptoms of PIED were appearing. that marriage has been a struggle but we are trying to rebuild. anyway we shared intimacy recently and I was surprised with a noticeable improvement in my "male health". I share this as encouragement example of what nofap PMO can do for us, even older guys. btw I do not consider this a cause for reset because this is real life emotionally connected relations with the woman I love and care for deeply. my issue is addiction to PMO. From what I have read here I need to be vigilant of the chaser effect, but so far I am not feeling that. If anything, my IRL experience gives me greater motivation to stay PMO-free. to be free of the "hangover" effects of PMO mentally and physically during intimacy was really wonderful. never occurred to me that no PMO would make the real thing so much different and better.

 

DAY 30 - I guess this is considered a milestone but for me I milestone every day as an achievement. My daily achievement is honesty with myself. This site, and everyone here, has given me the comfort and security to have a place where I can be totally honest about my struggle and not be lying. I really think that relief of being able to be honest with everyone here enables the honesty with myself to recognize that I am an addict. And because of that honest acceptance of myself, I come to this site regularly (daily) for rekindling my resolve, offering support to others, learning more about my addiction, and gaining strength from the fellowship of this community. I could not have imagined a month ago how different I would feel, and how healthier my overall emotional psychological being is today. I guess one thing that has really freed my spirit was eliminating the sense of shame I experienced from PMO. What a heavy burden that was. When I can recall that shameful feeling it directs my thoughts away from the triggers, images, urges, and helps prevent that first little reach to the P site. Thank you everyone. Stay strong.

 

Chris - very keen observation to look back on my first post. Wow - I'm a bit more coherent lately. I had a very rough patch around day 23 for a few days but I made it through with the help of this site and kind brothers like you. thanks for your well wishes.

 

Chris - I think the counter always shows the current streak so if you look at an old post it doesn't reflect the number of days at that prior post time. I started on this site on June 23 and my current streak began July 4 and I'm feeling very good about managing myself.