My Story - I'm Finally Here

Nice to be away from the computer for a few days, enjoying some time at the beach. Of course lots of images there that frankly are P subs and potentially triggering. I had to make sure that I wasn't getting lulled into complacency. If so, what I saw over the weekend could have lapsed me. From all of my AA friends, you should never think you're "cured". Once an addict, always an addict. Another poster here refers to that as "reptilian brain". So I'm focusing on logical brain here, the intellectual awareness. It's like that addict brain is trying to fool me - "you're fine dude, relax" - and once you do, then the temptation creeps in and bad action follows. Just this morning I had a brief thought, a memory of what my addict brain would have me doing at that moment - heading for the PMO! The thought passed quickly, and then logical brain said - let's go to the site and reconnect to the resource that has gotten you this far. Thanks for your support. Stay strong everyone.

 

Day 2 - decided to declare a reset after a 35 day streak. No P involved, it was kinda sorta a chaser effect...no need to go into details. The wife has been very frisky this last week and that has brought back a level of sexual energy that I haven't felt in about a year and frankly re-connects me back to PMO days. For my entire life even when I was regularly intimate in a relationship that never ever stopped my PMO habit. Question is how to have an active sex life with the wife and not allow that to fuel my PMO addiction. Not sure right now how to go about that separation process. This is an interesting next step to dealing with my addiction. It was easier to avoid PMO when there was nothing going on physically with the wife. Since active sex life IRL and my PMO habit have been intertwined my entire life I have to figure out the next level of battling my PMO urges now that real life activity is back in play.

 

Day 6 - staying vigilant for chaser effect while continuing intimacy with wife. The next step in dealing with my addiction to PMO. Slowing getting the strength to engage with the wife and build the wall to compartmentalize my addiction so that IRL sexuality doesn't get my mind chasing P imagery, memories, and old bad habits. Just trying hard right now.

 

Day 13 - had some stress from work...almost hit the search button for P...literally walked out of the house and left the phone there. But here's a new thing. The wife has always met all of my ideals as far as physical attributes are concerned. I realized that whenever I look at her I can easily (and I think I often do) think...hmmm I like that, in an objectifying way. Jeez I know that's a kinda f'ed up way of thinking about my wife but I do love her and relate to her in more ways than just physically. It's almost like all the P thoughts I used to have (and we all know that sh1t can occupy ALOT of our waking moments brain function) are replaced with physical/sexual thoughts about the wife. I suppose that's better than P, right? And here's another spin, she enjoys my appreciation of her physical attributes like when I am checking her out and complimenting her. She's told me that in previous relationships her partner never noticed her physically so wants my attention like that and is good for ego. Am I replacing online P with a human substitute? Confusing. I guess I am once again trying to figure out managing my sexuality in real life within the space of a committed relationship. Thanks all for listening. Stay strong.

 

Day 14 - some good news...there is hope my friends. Some months ago I was experiencing a real lack of sensitivity that prevented O during intimacy with wife. I have only MO'd once in the last 50 days (no P). Happy to report that sensitivity is back and response is total. It seems the body CAN change back to its previous condition. This is welcome positive reinforcement to help battle my addiction and gives me another reason to avoid PMO when the urge to act out surfaces. Stay strong everyone - results can happen!

 

Day 0 - Well I decided on an experiment after reading here about the effects of using after a streak. I'm not overwhelmed with the guilt, shame, etc that I used to experience when I PMO'd, but it's more like wtf did I do that? Not productive, really no enjoyment or satisfaction, just a pointless waste of time. I think my next experiment is to stay sober and NOT come to this site so much - I feel like it is almost a psub for me. Reset & restart. Stay strong once again.

 

Day 7 - checking in. A few stresses with the wife and work the last few days but using my toolkit - breathing, mantra, exercise, keeping my setting safe, and thinking about my commitment to this group challenge - to be PMO free. Stay strong everyone.

 

I'm tracking my progress on my journal page:

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-journal-journey-starts-here.283045/