My Story - In a Nutshell

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell, Jan 13, 2019.

  1. Assalaamu'alaikumwarahmatullahiwabarakaatuh and greetings, fellow Fapstronauts! I'm not so new here, although my account is new. I've been reading NoFap for a few years now, and I had another account before this one. Here, I'd like to share my PMO addiction story, and maybe some other things about myself. It all started when I was 10. Back in Year Four primary school, I had this one really close friend of mine. So, one day. he asked me, "Do you know what's 'porno orgy'?", and I didn't know so I looked it up, it's one of the typical stories of students getting hooked from their friends and curiousity. I wasn't hooked on porn at first then. But I eventually started venturing into hentai. My sisters love anime, and I'd known some beautiful characters, so I'd tried looking them up on Google Images, nude. I would do it a few times a week, although I didn't think it was wrong, I still kept it hidden. I was tech savvy at young age; being able to clear my search history despite myself catching adults with uncleared porn history. Anime Baths Wiki mostly dominated my hentai addiction at ages 10 and 11 alongside fantasies of Diva drama characters my mother watches. One I vividly remember even now, was a woman character who used the toilet, you know, with the convenient censoring of the buttocks and vagina, but it still turned me on. I also fantasized the characters in BDSM-esque settings, being captured and forcing the nude. Anyway, later on I discovered porn sites, as in hardcore, no joke, not-just-pictures hentai sites at 11. I'd often watch it before going to school. During my Sixth Year, I had fetishes for bathroom-related porn. Like women pooping, urinating, bathing and so on. This was real-life softcore porn, but I wasn't into hardcore porn yet. At the end of that year, I was circumcised; it hurt, for anyone who's uncircumsised. For the first week or so, I could hardly touch my penis without it hurting, a lot. But something weird happenned, my penis often became hard, ususally at night within the second week. I could already touch my penis by the third week, and I felt an urge to stroke it. Probably the hormones and porn-conditioning. Up till then, I've never masturbated, at all. So I went into the bathroom one day to take a shower (but it was really to masturbate), and I did it. Stuff came out and the rest was history. It was the best thing I had ever felt, I was shaking. My semen shot out a metre and a half. I wanted to do it again. Needless to say, sometime eventually, I started supplementing masturbation with porn, and that very same thing is done by me to this day. I was severely deperessed for two months at 13; everyday I really wanted to stab myself with a kitchen knife (only recently learnt that it wouldn't actually work). At 14, I became depressed once more, albeit not as long and slightly toned down. Last year was different, though. Towards the end of the year, I started masturbating to photos of my friends and teachers. My emotional state really dipped a few weeks then. I'd go on Instagram and Facebook and masturbate to the faces of them. One of the girls was a swimmer, so that was extra pleasing. It was trash, complete trash. A teacher I went off to was my class teacher, and she was pregnant. She just gave birth a few months ago. The thing is, they weren't wearing anything particularly sexy, besides exposed shins and thighs (yes, scientifically, they are considered sexy by men), but I've been around them for so long, it's just more realistic; I imagine their body structures and moaning sounds. I'll say it again, it's complete trash. I'm only acquaintances with the girls I masturbate to. In addition, I'm the teachers' pet. To some people, this may not make sense, but I'm one of the top performers in my form, never scoring below overall top 4 in a highly competitive form. But in regards to my personal life, I'm trash then and I still don't know how I acheived Number Two overall for my End-Year Examinations (it's called Impostor Syndrome). This contributes to my depressive mood, as I set high expectations for myself; the role model for others. Eventually, I got around to quiting social media, and alothough I still go off to photos, it's less often. That's a good improvement, be it slight, it's still something. There are more things that contribute to my depression, which in turn increases my porn usage. My relationship with my parents was a kinda shaky last year. Furthermore, this is very strange to others, even my family, I get depressed from music, any music. I absolutely hate and despise music. I have self-diagnosed myself with specific musical annhedonia, unfortunately, my family to this day forces me to take piano lessons despite me rebelling, claiming it to make me more hollistic. They say I'm 'too religious', but I'm perfectly fine not hating on my christian, hindu, buddhist and athiest friends at school. I may be ranting, but this stuff is quite suppressed within me. I guess that's all I have to write about, I acknowledge that my story doesn't stack up even point one percent to some addicts' stories, but that doesn't mean it's not hard for me as well. It's a life long journey. I'm only turning 15 this year. I want to reconnect with my GOD, Allah, anyone who's religious would understand the feeling of forsaking GOD who's done everything for you your whole life. I wanna start exercising again, no more fat guy. I wanna study my subjects with passion, you know, get some sleep at night to study properly the next day. Anyone and everyone out there reading this, please pray for me, so that the NoFap plan I've devised works out in the end, Insha Allah. However, no matter how much we plan, GOD is the best of planners, and ultimately, I want to choose to trust in Him rather than doubt. If there is anything new that develops in my life, major enough that I need to cover, I'll try to update it here, Insha Allah. Anyway, thanks for reading to everyone if you've made to the end, I appreciate it.

    TL;DR: Anyone and everyone out there reading this, please pray for me, so that the NoFap plan I've devised works out in the end, Insha Allah.
     
    Deleted Account and tthala like this.
  2. I have a useful tip for urges, it works wonders for me. Male addicts view women as 'meat', especially the chest. Sure, it's normal to be attracted to them, but dehumanising them is not. Here's what you should do: Imagine a row of buckets in front of you and the girl you are thinking of sexually. Imagine taking her outerwear, and putting it into a bucket, then her innerwear, then rip off her skin, then her muscles, tendons, ligaments, bones, each one getting a bucket. Slowly you deconstruct her body. Do it to her fat, her organs; those round, juicy eyeballs, imagine all the blood, sweat, tears, urine and feces and put them into a bucket. You don't have to literally count the buckets, but try visualing the different parts. Focus on the buckets that disgust you more intently. Try looking at the breast fat now, with that red blood sureounding it, squishy, unfirm, or whatever else that's repulsive. I got this tip from a succesful fapstronaut. It rewires an over sexually-conditioned porn addict to respect women, as you visualise the horrific 'meat' girl. I'm not married, but according to that guy, he tried it on many women, till he did it on his wife. Since then, he's never wanted to see her wife as other than her ownself. Do this when you have badthoughts, and on porn videos.

    TL;DR: If you look at women like meat, deconstruct the body parts, and start looking at the breasts covered in blood and exposed muscle; feel as disgusted as possible.
     
  3. tthala

    tthala Fapstronaut

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    I pray to Allah to make all your plans fulfilled. to make you strong and pmo free. Allahuma Aamin.
     
  4. N05A9

    N05A9 Fapstronaut

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    How about every time you get the urge to M you just go exercise. Might not be easy at first but by reassociating your desire to fap with your desire to get fit might be good motivation.
     
  5. Thank you, tthala. I'll do the same for you.
     
  6. Thank you for your advice, N05A9. I'll share something.

    My routine: I'd wake up at 2:30 a.m. to perform Qiamullail, or night prayers; the equivalent to meditation since it does not involve any music or sounds, rather it focuses on 'khusyuk', an intense focus on being present during the prayer to GOD.

    After I'm done, I'd do a 20-minute exercise routine; I'd try mixing up the routine everyday.

    After I take a cold shower, I'd read my Scripture, the Quran till fajr (Early Sunrise).

    After the adhan, I'd perform my compulsory Subuh prayers before heading out to school at 6:30 a.m.

    At school, I'd not look at girls out of boredom; if I have no use looking at them at that moment, why should I look then?

    In fact, in Islam, we are thought to lower our gaze unless there's a matter such as a conversation or to avoid bumping into people.

    I'd reach home around 4 p.m., right around the Asar prayers.

    Sometimes I'd eat lunch, sometimes I won't.

    In Islam, Muslims are encouraged to fast regularly, something that's been recommended by various individuals in the health and nutrition field.

    Intermittent fasting - You should try it!

    The Islamic version is from Fajr till sunset.

    Usually, I'd binge-YouTube everytime I get back before showering, but now I'd avoid being alone with my devices so that I don't procrastinate.

    I'd nap for half an hour, called Qailullah to recharge myself since my school hours extend till evening.

    When I wake up, I'd read a page or two of the Quran before doing my homework and studying.

    About an hour or so before Maghrib at sunset, I'd stop my work to exercise for another 20 minutes and I'd shower again.

    I eat dinner around this time.

    I also perform my Maghrib prayers, continue studying, and pray once more during Isyak at 8:30 p.m.

    I'd sleep at 9:15 p.m., making sure I get ready for bed at 9:00 p.m. and fall asleep by 9:30 p.m.

    Any studying after Isyak till 9 would be reading-only, unless I have unfinished homework due tomorrow.

    This is because reading is not as stimulating as creative or cognitive tasks.

    At that time, I'd use a lamplight instead of my room light as the effects on my mellatonin levels are less.

    I have vowed to not use any electronic devices after sunset; it disrupts regular sleep cycles.

    Something that really helped me was reducing the delegation of tasks between devices.

    For example, I don't have the Notes app on my iPad, because my laptop is there.

    I don't have the Calendar app on my iPad because I hardly use it for scheduling, rather I have a physical calendar on my desk.

    My Reminders aren't on my iPad, but on a physical Student Planner. Rule of thumb - Can you survive without this app?

    If so, uninstall.

    Simple.

    This greatly reduced my time on devices, like a lot!

    I installed LessPhone on my Android, I highly recommend it, because as a student, I think I have too many functions on my phone, so I reduced it to a WhatsApp, Messages, contacts and alarm clock phone.

    Stop outsourcing!

    Now, I did relapse recently, however, ever since starting this routine, I can say I've certainly been feeling better.

    This is likely my spiritual self-improvement rather than my sexual, physical improvement as that takes some time.

    You may have heard of keystone habits, and in my daily routine, it includes all of them.

    In my opinion, prayers beat meditation any day.

    I'm not forcing anything on you, it's just my take on things.

    If your an atheist, I respect that; we can still converse.

    If you're Muslim, talk with me about spiritual well being.

    If you're of another religion, then talk about GOD with me.

    Even if we don't share the same GOD, we still believe in the grace of GOD and the effects it has on our lives; without it, we wouldn't be here.

    Recently, I confessed all of this PMO business to a friend of mine, which let off a lot of burden.

    I never knew he had his problems, he never knew I had my problems.

    But that talk about GOD with my close practising Christian friend has inspired me to become a better Muslim and a better human, and ultimately, that's NoFap; becoming a better version of one's self.

    Have the proper mindset, it's not a challenge, it's a journey, a life-long one.



    I hope you find this useful and if you've reached the end, thank you for reading through, I appreciate it. Any opinions on what I wrote is entirely okay. Anyway, GOD is great, all praise is to Allah, any qualities are from Him and any shortcomings are from me alone.
     
  7. N05A9

    N05A9 Fapstronaut

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    I did read it all! I am an atheist but I do support you to have your own beliefs.

    Do you believe me that I went to Mosque once with my friends and I prayed with all the other men? What a great experience!

    You sound like me when it comes to my phone use. Sometimes I use it 8 hours a day. Ughhh! I am going to get the LessPhone app, thank you!

    Maybe if you have temptation to fap during your free time you should be around other people so you won't be tempted and since you are Muslim, maybe you can go to Mosque and listen to the Imam preach and focus your attention to Allah instead of what's in your head!
     
  8. Thank you for your kind words, N05A9!
    I do try to be around people, like hanging out in the living room or leaving my room door open, it helps kill urges.
    Rule of thumb, if you won't do it in front of your parents, don't do it.
    That's NoFap.
    About going to the mosque, I only do that on Fridays because my parents aren't around at other times to send me there.
    But that's okay.
    You should do as much charity work as possible if you have the support like means of transport.
    I envy my friends who go to church every weekend to push wheelchairs and prepare food, they are the ones who have successfully maintained NoFap.
    When I asked them, they said they can't remember the last time they PMO.
    I hope to achieve that success one day, Insha Allah.
    I recommending doing 'sedekah' daily, or donating such as giving money to others.
    If you have coins, do it daily, my mother tells me to do it first thing in the morning.
    If you don't, donate a 5-value or 10-value note at regular intervals.
    Have a pure heart while doing so; the feeling of humanity and the people you're helping each time, be it 10 cents or a 100-value note.
    This really helps me, especially when losing hope in humanity.
    It's those kind of times where you'd be overwhelmed by the sheer number of deaths by man every single day.
    Insha Allah, you can benefit from this, and it'll help curb or prevent depression like for me.
    Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.
     
  9. Assalaamu 'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh, and hello, fellow Fapstronauts. I have an update: As mentioned above, I've recently talked about spirituality and NoFap with a close friend. It's led to a massive change in my perspective on battling NoFap, and I feel its spiritual benefit surge through me. Now recently, I've felt something strange; I feel attracted to a female friend of mine, a form mate and in a way, my boss (school prefects). Not just her looks, by the way, but also her attitude and overall demeanour. Before this, I've never felt attracted to her at all, in fact, compared to her sister, I thought she was quite lacking in looks (this was last year, my thought processes were trash and dehumanising). This is so weird. So can anyone tell me if this is due to NoFap. If so, it's definitely a welcome feeling, as all I've ever felt so far is 'sex object' and 'walking meat'. However, I'm definitely not acting upon this as I'm still young; no girlfriends for me. Thank you for reading, and I hope someone could put their own take on this; I'd like to read it.
     
  10. N05A9

    N05A9 Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like a step forward! If you used to simply objectify women and now you find yourself attracted to her for more than her physical attributes, I'd say it is good progress.

    It's also good to not drive straight into a "relationship" at this point. You need to spend time with yourself getting to know the new and real you so you know how later to present yourself to others!
     
  11. Yeah, you're right, N05A9. Also, when I spoke to a few girls at school recently, it felt a tad more natural, and I was picking up a bit more of their sign language, usually reserved for boys as I'd break eye contact often and feel anxious subconsciously.

    Just now, actually, I had a stay back with a few robotics students which was optional, and after I finished my work, that girl who I'm feeling for asked me to give a name for her Robotics project. It was so funny, and I thought about it, when was she ever this friendly to me? We're not classmates or anything by the way. I'm not gonna take this as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, but I'm wondering, how much more does NoFap have in store for me? T what extent will I feel much better? I'm eager to find out although the path is rugged. Insha Allah, I'll reach there soon.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2019
  12. N05A9

    N05A9 Fapstronaut

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    Brother, she is picking up on your new energy whether you see it or not. You are becoming better at this and women (they are experts at deciphering social clues...) notice.

    Women aren't attracted to desperate men and, maybe this is just an assumption, perhaps you are giving off less of a desperate vibe and more of a magnetic vibe!

    It could help to study body language and rapport too when trying to figure out what is going on with your interactions with women.
     
  13. Thanks, N05A9! I actually do study body language and rapport; I've read books on them. Though, it's not really useful if I'm looking down all time. I've studied them using video clips. Bad news for me, I've relapsed yesterday. I'm gonna pick my life back up, I'm not gonna let depression take over me, wish me luck (you don't actually have to post 'good luck').
     
  14. Assalaamu 'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh, and hello, everyone.
    I'd just like to share.
    I'm having urges right now.
    Alhamdulillah, when I had morning wood just now, I didn't PMO.
    It was really strong, and I'm feeling it now too, albeit not as strong, but still quite strong.
    It's about that girl I started liking.
    I'm having fantasies about her.
    It's unusual though; unlike before.
    I'd actually fantasise about talking to her, kissing her and hugging her.
    I'd still think dirty towards her but not often.
    Mostly just spending some time together and the life we could have.
    Those are still dirty for me, but I acknowledge that shift.
    I'd like to take it a step further and completely banish these fantasies.
    I want to maintain my benefits; I want to live.
    I'm sure me wanting to marry her so early on is due to PMO-conditioning.
    Can't wait for the day I feel that 'thing' snap within me well into the second month, although it's different timing for everybody.
    If anyone has tips it's welcomed because I'm combating these feelings.
    One thing I notices is posting on NoFap kills urges.
    Insha Allah, I'm gonna take a cold shower now, bye and thanks for reading.
     
    prettyboichad likes this.
  15. N05A9

    N05A9 Fapstronaut

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    It's ok! You will do better this time around.
     
  16. Insha Allah, I will. I feel great after the cold shower, I literally have zero urges right now, alhamdulillah.
     
    prettyboichad likes this.
  17. Assalaamu 'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh and hello there, it's been a while since I've updated. I'd like to make this a daily thing as well. Maybe, with a format of writing. Well, here's my update. I relapsed twice recently after a Robotics event at school. See, we have special T-Shirts, and one of the girl involved had a smaller fit shirt. Man, I fell bad, but, I want to continue and start again, fresh. This relapse hit me particularly hard because I PMO'd. It was a 2 week P free streak although it was only a 1 week M streak. I feel some of my benefits are gone, especially the respect for women. Pray for me so that I'll rebound back, Insha Allah.
     
    prettyboichad likes this.
  18. Post Rank: wst
    Day: xday
    Date: dd/mm/2019
    Time: wxyz
    Place: wxyz
    PMO Streak: w Day(s)
    P Streak: x Day(s)
    M Streak: y Day(s)
    O streak: z Day(s)
    Counter Update: x Relapse

    Subject

    wxyz

    Summary
    wxyz
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
    prettyboichad likes this.
  19. Post Rank: 1st
    Date: 2/2/2019
    Day: Saturday
    Time: 0502
    Place: My House
    PMO Streak: 0 Day(s)
    P Streak: 0 Day(s)
    M Streak: 0 Day(s)
    O Streak: 0 Day(s)
    Counter Update: PMO Relapse

    Wake-Up Urges To Start The Day Off. NO MORE!

    Assalaamu 'alaikum and hello, everyone. All praise is to Allah, the All-Knowing and Wise. I've relapsed. It was in bed. I felt extremely horny and I couldn't stop fantasizing with a few girls I like. Astaghfirullah, I have sinned by M'ing and Alhamdulillah, I definitely don't want to repeat it. In the future, I'll do my best to get out of bed as soon as I wake up, Insha Allah. To anyone and everyone reading this, please pray for my success in NoFap no matter how long it takes. Insha Allah, I'll pray for every Fapstronaut out there and all of humankind that's struggling. Insha Allah, re-reading this post later on will help give me motivation for PMO urges. I want to implement new habits which are sleeping early in order to carry out my morning keystone habits routine properly and listening to Quran recitations when doing my work, Insha Allah. Alhamdulillah, that's all for now and Insha Allah, this'll be a regular thing. Assalaamu 'alaikum and goodbye, everyone.

    Summary
    Get out of bed first thing in the morning, sleep early and listen to the Quran regularly.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019

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