My story, introduction and symptoms (probably dealing with extreme PAWS?)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Tywin Lannister, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone,

    I am new to this forum, but have been on and off of nofap for a few years now. I think I might have very severe PAWS and I’d like to know if there are any men dealing with these same extreme issues. Or maybe they did and overcame them by doing NoFap.

    First, I’d like to thank everyone who contributes to the whole Nofap community. I stumbled upon it, when I first started my very first streak. I made a choice to try and stop PM and a few days later I started googling about the subject and discovered this community and all the knowledge it already has on the subject. Also watched Gary Wilson's TedTalk. This first streak was early November 2015. Since then, things escalated.

    At the moment, I am unable to function in society because of this affliction called porn addiction. I am very very VERY addicted. Every time I try to end it and doing a streak, my head tries to convince me that porn and masturbation (and the edging that comes with it) are not really a big problem. Than, after binging for a while, I come to the realization that this is a BIG F#^@ing issue.

    Today is day 3 of my latest streak. I am planning to do a 5 year streak and to stop using porn forever. I tried 90 days, it didn’t do anything for me. As a matter of fact, my very first streak lasted around 100 days already. I had little superpower, although I experienced a little bit of them. Especially more energy and girls staring at me.

    I started fapping when I was approx. 10 years old. First it were pictures, later it were nightprograms on TV. Also did fantasize. I fapped almost daily.

    Over the years my porn use and edging time escalated massively.

    During the later years, from 2015, these escalations became more intense while I was also doing Nofap streaks over and over again. Until now, they all failed.

    As I said, I usually would edge for HOURS not wanting to finish because then the fun would be over. Sometimes even six hours without breaks. Almost daily.

    It think this REALLY fried my brain…


    It is now almost 1 year ago my gf became my ex. I was having, and still have, weird symptoms that make my life miserable. I cannot work or study or even regularly go to the grocery store. It also made her life miserable. We were really good together. She is attractive and very, very hot. She kept trying to convince me to marry her for years, as I am not someone who ever wanted to marry. She eventually convinced me around the beginning of the summer in 2017. She wept tears of joy when I told her there was a chance of us to get married in the future.

    She eventually broke up with me in in the beginning of 2018. She did this approx. 2 weeks after I had a mental/neurological breakdown.


    Things I have been experiencing since October 2017:

    - Derealization (still 24/7)
    - Brain fog (24/7)
    - Weird, extreme sensations through my body for no apparent reason (almost all the time, gets worse/less bad in waves)
    - Confusion (on and off)
    - Tension in the belly/brick in stomach for no apparent reason, seems like something emotional (frequently)
    - Anhedonia
    - Life feels somewhat fake in general
    - Kind off existential “emptiness/there’s-no-point” feeling
    - Concentration problems
    - Feeling cold while it’s 21 degrees Celcius inside and wearing lot of clothes (occasionally)
    - Weird perceptions where totally normal things look creepy (occasionally)
    - An eerie feeling without any reason (once in a while)
    - Anxiety without any obvious reason (on and off)
    - No motivation (often)
    - No inspiration on what I want to accomplish in life (almost all the time)
    - Sometimes life/existance feels existentially pointless to the point it scares the hell out of me. Although I have never been suicidal or having serious thoughts about that, I do get scared of losing control and becoming suicidal sometimes. It’s a very weird feeling, as I said, where existence feels very pointless in an existential way but not having any inclination or tendency to become suicidal, while at the same time being scared AF of becoming it. It is a lingering feeling/sensation that sporadically comes to the surface for a few minutes/an hour or so.
    - Physically weak/fatigued/feeling like I could faint (almost all the time)
    - HPPD, visual snow, eye-floaters, tracers, etc. (often)
    - Double vision, where I see letters/lines a little bit double when with big contrast. As in: white letters on a black screen, I see them a little bit double as you would when you have some tears in your eyes. This gets worse with long edging sessions or when looking at screens a lot.
    - Apathy (almost all the time, lingering in the background, sometimes waves of it getting worse)
    - Pain shoots in my head, mostly on the sides (few hours after a recent edging session)
    - Dizziness-like feeling as if I am on a boat which is a scary feeling, because sometimes it feels like I will slip away into a collapse. (occasionally)
    - Episodes of intense buildup of the weird sensations and brick in my stomach where, if I stay present to the feelings/sensation/dysphoria, it will “climax” into an emotional release with tears where I want to hug a family member. The sensations are significantly less (although not completely gone) after such a release. Such a release sometimes also happens when I get ear-acupuncture. (For as far as I can remember, these episodes of buildup and release happen only during streaks)
    - Probably some more symptoms I forget…

    As you all can read, my life is literally a hell-hole right now. I cannot work, I cannot study, I cannot even live by myself at the moment. I am living with my parents again, and I am blessed to have them understand my situation.

    I have a very good (female) friend a couple of hours away from me. Seems like it was meant to be to meet her. I do not find her physically very attractive at the moment, but she makes me feel unconditionally loved. So, in my situation with NoFap, that is perfect. We are friends, and we plan to keep it that way for the time being. But she has been, and still is, my greatest support since June 2018.


    I think I might be dealing with a combination of extreme PAWS, other neurological issues and symptoms of the addiction itself. Also have some emotional things I have to resolve. I read that it is very detrimental to do edging sessions. Also, that having periods of binging between streaks may make things way worse. I have been doing all this for years…

    I have no history of having any such issues in my life before the end of 2017.

    I have read some stories from people getting PAWS for a very long time, where recovery takes place but very slow. I feel like my situation is even worse than theirs…

    I plan on doing a 5-year streak, or 1,800 days that is. Chances are high that if I succeed at that, I will have entirely lost the urge to go back to porn, making it a lifelong decision to quit.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2020
  2. Freeddom_Taker

    Freeddom_Taker Fapstronaut

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    Welcome aboard brother!
    Not along ago I joined this forum too(October 2018). I'm glad I made this decision as pmo fucked my life too from soft to extreme genre. I'm close to 8 months hardmode and still experience PAWS as my addiction was very severe and was unable to function properly in society and still is...
    You're not alone in this fight. There are other rebooters(me included) in the same boat suffering as well. My advice is continue to learn about the addiction. There are a lot posts about PAWS from other nofappers in this forum.
    GOOD Luck man!
     
  3. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, thanks for your reply!

    What are your symptoms?
     
    Freeddom_Taker likes this.
  4. Yea you’ll find you’re not alone with them symptoms if you dig around on these forums. I’ve had them for years as I never listened to my body and mind going through PAWS. If I could give you best advice would be to tackle it now, don’t relapse and don’t look back.
     
  5. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Well man best of luck to you! I went 101 days hard mode and then started being intimate with my wife. After that I feel like I started feeling worse and a couple weeks after then entered the dreaded flat line. PMO was more than just being horny. It was a escape from life, with Even as long as I have been from P or M I still today have issues with wanting to look, just to escape.

    I want to follow your journey and hopefully help each other. What are you main symptoms now?

    The main thing I think I’m feeling is fatigue and loss of motivation, I cannot deal with stress at all right now, the smallest things upset me. Anxiety is through the roof. Depression has been extremely bad but does seem better now but still kinda comes and goes.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  6. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for replying guys :)

    @Big Lebowski
    Yeah, I have been lurking around this forum and the reddit forum for some time now. Mostly because I don't understand my symptoms, so I looked and am still looking for assurance and certainty that all this sh#t does come from "just" PMO...
    It's just, I can't seem to find any story that resembles mine and my symptoms. Yes derealization I've come across and anhedonia as you also reported on that. But still...
    Are you able to work/study live a normal life at all? Because I am certainly not... I can't go to the gym, study, work.. I can't even take good care of myself because going to the grocery story is to much of a stretch most of the time

    @Fallensoldier1
    I've never had any flatline.. Well, maybe my first streak in 2015 a very mild one. Yeah, it's definitely more than just being horny. The thing my brain and body crave for is the extreme high, or even trance, when edging for hours. Escapism definitely played some role in my addiction, as does the fact that I used it as a sleeping aid way too often..
     
  7. TantusJulius

    TantusJulius Fapstronaut

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    Wow, sounds like me in the beginning of 2018. You fried your brain brother, just like many of us done here. Do not relapse because that will cause even more miserable symptoms. Do not expect any miracles before 8 months, or before maybe 10 months, or you will relapse.

    Check my profile, you may find useful links, and topics. Send me a private message, and I will tell what things helped me most.

    Just to try something, say out aloud your name aloud, telling yourself to wake up, commanding yourself to wake up by your name, do this for some minutes, do it even in your mind silently. To check if you still not in trance.

    (btw i would delete those parts of your post that maybe triggers for others, enough if you write that "this sh!t pmo fucked me up greatly". Or hide them as spoilers. We in same situation, we understand you. )
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
    Skielr, LastGoodbye, C.HNF and 2 others like this.
  8. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for responding to my post!

    I will try to put a trigger warning at the very descriptive parts, still have to figure out how to hide them as spoiler.
    What are/were your most debilitating symptoms? And were/are you able to function in society at all?

    Thanks!
     
  9. TantusJulius

    TantusJulius Fapstronaut

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    yw! derealiazation, no feelings, feeling like i caught cold all the time, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks, shaking, muscles burning, spine pain, digestive problems, low energy, no motivation, ringing ears, blurred vision, fatigue, muscles stiffness, total brain fog, weak muscles, headache, burning headache, burning skin feeling,suicidal thoughts, rapid heart beat etc.
    Function in society? Not really, i thought i would die.
    Do you get itchy skin on your feet/legs before you have to leave the house? Just wondering.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  10. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Well I’ve had pretty much all of them at one point. Not really blurred vision though, but sometimes snowy and flashes of light? I would add increased thirst also.
     
  11. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    Actually, I do not. But I almost never leave the house. Only to go on short walks and sometimes my friend takes me on a ride. I have another really scary symptom, like, when I think about building things in life and taking part in society, I get a really weird kind of resistance-like feeling and super "empty/there is no point in life"-like perception/feeling.
    I recognize the 'no feelings' as well, but that could have been also be a part of the effects of medication, which I took for since May 2018 and tapered down until December. I am now free of any meds. But things feel like they are getting somewhat worse again. I do still not have complete "access" to my entire emotional spectrum, btw.
    I also recognize the ringing ears, blurred vision, weak muscles, etc.
     
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  12. TantusJulius

    TantusJulius Fapstronaut

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    I had those few times only. Oh yeah increased thirst too, it is like living in hell where no water can take your thirst, and no food can take away your hunger, because you feel nothing.
     
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  13. TantusJulius

    TantusJulius Fapstronaut

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    For your brain there is one life at the moment, pmo with weird shit. This is why everything else feels pointless. Will take maybe 1 year to have good days again.
    What were you taking as medicine? May I ask what is your religion?
     
    Tywin Lannister likes this.
  14. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    Yes I have a little bit of visual snow and sometimes little lightpoints flashing.
     
  15. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    Yes! And when I get really stressed I feel like I’m more thirsty and my mouth and tongue are super dry, even tho it’s wet and I have saliva to spit out. I’ve had some pelvic floor issues lately on and off as well. I’m hoping me PE and ED issues get better soon from nofap, especially since ED never really was a issue until starting nofap
     
  16. I’ve had flashes of light on vision for a while. A new symptom has popped up to in the last week or so. A tingle in my left foot in the sole feels like an electrical current not painful but very weird, also reported symptom over at benzo buddies. Head pressure still here. Get twitches all over my body but they don’t seem as aggressive no more.

    Our symptoms are on on par with benzo addicts, crazy.
     
  17. Tywin Lannister

    Tywin Lannister Fapstronaut

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    I was on seroquel/quetiapine. It is officially an anti-psychotic, which scared me AF, but the doctor said it is being used for a lot of things such as anxiety and depression and he assured me that I wasn't psychotic or anything but "just" having an anxiety disorder. I was on quite a low dose, fortunately.

    About my religion, I recently started praying to god/light/universe as I am adopting some Christian ideas. For years I've been interested in the link between science and spirituality.
     
  18. TantusJulius

    TantusJulius Fapstronaut

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    I would not mess with those medicines too. Good you could taper off without problems!
    If you just take one advice, stay away from meditation, yoga, or anything that produce trance like states, for your safety.
     
    Tywin Lannister likes this.
  19. Freeddom_Taker

    Freeddom_Taker Fapstronaut

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    8 months ago if you told me pmo reboot caused all these issues, I would have thought you drunk or in a dream. Million would not make me return to this hell. Matter of fact these symptoms are still present but they lessen over time. Like other rebooters said:"go hard or go home" type of mentality in this case.
     
  20. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

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    That’s what I did when I got all the information from people on this board. Hard mode all the way. Now, some people still MO with out porn so not sure how it’s working out for those folks but I wouldn’t think about messing with my brain chemicals at only five months even if MO doesn’t include porn. It almost always will less back to binging. On hard mode your brain will remove the thoughts and your past but takes time and a lot of discipline.
     

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