My story may help you(HOCD & PMO ADDICT); my downfall to my recovery, back to another downfall.

Before I say anything I ask that you please read and reply with your thoughts or questions. I believe reading my story should motivate you and give you hope for the road you are on. I’ve beaten porn addiction and fell back into it.
HOCD started 4 years ago for me, but I beat it 2 years ago for about a year and a half and now I’m suffering again.

First off let me say I’ve been diagnosed with severe OCD, so even if I’m not dealing with HOCD then I have other obsessions, but hocd is by far the worst one.

I started masturbating since I was 6-7, I would do this by dry humping my bed while thinking about my female teachers. In first grade, my neighbor who was in high school showed me a website called BigBoobs, where it showed many naked women, seeing this made me very excited and I felt something In my pants lol. I started to search up pictures of naked girls myself and would feel excited and “horny.” I started watching videos of girls stripping and lesbian girls kissing on YouTube and I would dry jump my bed after watching them. I then discovered porn, and I was in love with lesbian porn, watching 2 girls go at it made me go crazy. Somewhere in there I remember thinking, “lesbians are bad, girls aren’t supposed to kiss girls, that’s wrong....that’s even hotter!!!” At a young age I was already masturbating to ideas of taboo. Over the years I masturbated to all porn, milfs, stepmom, incest and more. Eventually I ventured to gay porn at a young age and found it exciting. Porn started to become something I masturbated to for the idea, not for reality. When I say the “idea” I relate it to taboo. Extreme porns always gave me a rush and adrenaline. Over these years of me developing and hitting puberty, I had insane feelings for girls, and had crushes on so many, never did I ever feel this way about a man. I continued for years without questioning my sexuality, I knew I was straight, but what about when I watched gay porn? Here was the weird part about gay porn. When I would watch it, when I was near climax I would start to feel disgusted and would think about a girl. And after I climax I would feel super disgusted and would be like “wtf did I just watch that shit is nasty.”

Now here is where my story gets sad, I enter high school and I’m fine, I’m happy, I still have crushes on girls and I don’t question my sexuality. At the time I was 14 and I was a very good basketball player, I was 6’1 at the time and made varsity and earned the starting spot at point guard, as a freshmen. College scouts were talking to my dad after every game about how special I could be. The NBA was my dream and nothing would stop me...

Once freshmen year was over, I went into the summer happy and excited like everybody else. But one day I was watching porn and fapped to gay porn and all of a sudden I was like “I’m watching gay porn... am I gay?” And that’s where my hocd started. I don’t want to make this too long but I suffered 2 years of very bad hocd. I started checking gay porn vs straight porn every day and my addiction got worse until I was only attracted to gay porn and this created gay fantasies and all that. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. Hocd and my pmo addiction caused me to be depressed and when sophomore year came and the season for basketball started, just one month into the season I told my coach I quit, and my junior year I didn’t try out. My life made a complete 180, I was no longer who I thought I was, my confidence and self esteem was at a all time low, and suicide became a repetitive thought in my head. After discovering nofap I was ready for change.

NOFAP: I tried so hard to go for as long as possible, but my longest streak ever was 21 days... which sucks lol. BUT, I was having a streak everytime I masturbated. My pmo went from multiple times a day, to once every one or two weeks, and I hit multiple 15 day streaks. Eventually my taste in porn got softer and softer and it didn’t take long for gay porn to disgust me and after some more time I could masturbate to a naked girl easily again. Eventually after some time I realized that I’m not gay and never was, I literally could not fathom the idea of being with a man, and Gay porn brought me absolutely not one bit of arousal, and I couldn’t even watch gay porn without gagging or being extremely repulsed. NoFap had saved me.

At the time where I realized I wasn’t gay and my hocd went away, I was nearing the end of my junior year. My whole life came back to me, my emotions, my motivations and desires, and most importantly: my happiness. I never fully quit porn tho, I would just do it every so often and told myself I will regulate my usage so I never get deep into it again. As time passed I started to hang out with my friends again, and I got a job and started taking basketball seriously again.

I forgot to mention that during my hard times with hocd and porn addiction, basketball was my only escape from the thoughts, and I would literally practice for 8+ hours a day.

As time passed I didn’t really pmo a lot, and I hooked up with a few girls, never had sex tho. Everytime I was with a girl, I would get a full hard on before I even kissed her. As time passed a whole year had come and I was still watching porn here and there, but nothing to crazy. Then it happened, for the first time in 3 years, I got feelings for a girl. This girl was so beautiful and every thought of her made me feel sick with butterflies. I just wanted to take her out and kiss her and be with her. She consumed my thoughts so much, at this time it was 2 months before the end of my senior year.

Here is where I fuck up again. This girl was known as a “good girl” and that she hasn’t had experiences with many guys, which made me even more attracted to her. I told myself I’m gonna keep my virginity for her, so whenever I’ll get horny, I will just watch porn. And getting back into porn at first was fun as hell, I loved it. I told myself instead of getting with a real girl and losing my virginity, I’ll just watch porn and save myself for this girl. It started with normal sex, to more milf based. Then I started to watch incest porn and this excited me, I started watching more incest porn till one day I saw a women who looked like my mom, and I got this rush of excitement and masturbated to my own mom. I felt disgusted after, but as I continued I would look for videos of women who looked like my mom and then masturbate to them. I would think of scenarios with my mom and how I could seduce her and these thoughts brought me insane arousal and adrenaline. Eventually I realized I was addicted, and I started to look at girls and realized I have no interest in them. The feelings I felt when I was addicted to gay porn were the same as with incest porn. Now I can watch normal porn, but it’s boring and nothing gets me horny like watching videos of women who look like my mom.

Let me also mention that I have the same reaction to these videos that I used to when I watched gay porn, after watching I would feel super disgusted and would say “what the fuck did I just watch”

Now this is where I am. Addicted to incest about my own mom. Gay thoughts are still disgusting and gay porn brings absolutely no arousal. But I will say that my disgust and repulsed reactions have decreased To these gay thoughts and go gay porn, even tho most of the time I’m still disgusted, I’m not as disgusted as I used to be. This has caused my hocd to return.

So this proves the theory of porn escalation, it’s very fucking real. And now I’m trying to quit for good. Everything sexually is numb to me, besides incest porn, the same way I felt with gay porn.

Let me also mention I have completely lost feelings for that girl and was only interested in porn.

Porn has played a factor in my brains development my whole life, and I’m done with it. I’ve been trying to quit for the past three months but I keep failing. And whenever I go on a good streak, when I relapse I continue to binge and pmo once or twice more in that day.

All I’m trying to say is porn escalation is real, I’ve beaten an addiction and a porn induced fetish, and went back to a normal confident life, and then fell back into a different porn induced fetish.

Porn is evil, especially if you let it get out of hand.

Please leave your thoughts in a reply.

 

Thanks for the reply and support my friend. If you don’t mind me asking, what is your story and how did your fetishes develop?

 

And also have you noticed change after now watching porn for so long?

 

Heyyy welcome to the NoFap forum : ) It's nice to see you here fighting the good fight alongside us!

Here is just some advice:

First and foremost please take a look at each section in the forum, there might be something(s) you may find of big help to you. Feel free to post there :+)

Then secondly I just strongly advise you to be active on your profile(as there quite a few active people in the profile section). Please start by choosing an avatar and then make daily status posts to show you're active and needing support/encouragement. They've also got a neat little feature that shows freshly posted statuses for all users to see. People will find your profile and give you encouragement/support.

People (are beginning to) love communicating in the profilesection..(it should be and is )mostly spportive talk but it doesn't hurt to deviate from supportive talk. It would be great to have you join in and support others in the threads, profiles, and journal. Make sure and be grateful for the help you received and help after receiving some. Invest in some people's journeys. We could always use your help and in return you shall receive some as well!

Thirdly, You should also highly consider creating a public journal and write about your days in more depth for us members to follow along your journey and offer support to you by way of posting in your journal.

Last but not least: Good luck on your journey here, make sure to really give it a try with all your heart!