My Story of How I Became Addicted to Creepshots

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by ryguyuplift, Jul 28, 2019.

  1. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,


    I’ve been posting in the wrong sections so everything is sort of scattered. So, I’ll copy and paste my story and journal here all in one spot. It’s a lot of reading, but I give all of the graphic details.


    I'll start at the very beginning. I've always been obsessed with girls, even since kindergarden. I got my first kiss in kindergarden and had a girlfriend in 1st grade. We would hold hands. In second grade basically the whole class of girls was my girlfriends, but I actually had one girl who I would talk on the phone with every night.


    In 5th grade I got made fun of because the girl I danced with at the dance wasn't hot enough. Looking back, it was my best friend sabotaging me, which will become a recurring theme throughout this story. So, I tried to ask out the hottest girl in class and she rejected me. This was my first rejection. Maybe this engrained into me at a deep level that I need to date only super hot girls so I won't get made fun of.


    Also, I saw porn for the first time in elementary school, and learned to masturbate as well. I can't remember exactly how it happened. I know one of my friends told me about this website called Nookie. This was around 1999-2000. I think from there I must have searched for naked girls or something of the like. This is before Google, and I didn't even know the word "porn" existed. The first video I saw was a hidden camera of women in a shower. It was extremely low quality, but at that age and having never seen nudity in my life, the rush was like crack. I couldn't even look, I needed to ex out the window immediately. My blood pressure and adrenaline was through the roof. I think this might have hardwired me at a deep level to be obsessed with hidden camera videos.


    Actually, looking back, I learned how to masturbate at the beginning of middle school - I think. I think someone must have told me about it, so I tried. I would make a diamond shape with my hand and jack off at super high speed and orgasm almost instantly. This is without watching porn. The first night I did it, I orgasmed at least 20 times. Maybe this hard wired me, or maybe I was already predisposed to enjoy this type of behavior. I was like 10-12 years old at the time. The next day, my penis was so blistered and chafed and hurt so bad. This is when I needed to try different techniques for masturbating.


    In middle school, my best friend watched a ton of porn and got me into porn. This is back in 2002, so there were no tube sites. Just Kazzaa porn. We would watch it together.


    At this age, we would show each other our dicks and stuff (not while watching porn or masturbating). Luckily nothing sexual but just typical young boy shit. He would tease me and say I had a small dick. He was probably just busting my balls, but I took it to heart.


    In middle school I was a very cute boy, and I was also fearless with girls. I was a natural. I ended up dating and making out with all of the hottest girls in school. I also had multiple opportunities to lose my virginity. In one case with the hottest girl in school. I pussied out because I thought that if she saw my "small dick," she would tell the whole school and ruin my life. This is ludacris because I told her over the phone how big my dick was. I measured it with a ruler and she was intimidated by how big it was. This is when we were going to lose our virginities together. This also shows what I'm capable of without porn in my life.


    This girl ultimately friend zoned me. I think my best friend sabotaged me behind my back. At the very least he fucked me over because instead of pumping me up and helping me get laid, he belittled me and ruined my confidence so I wouldn't get laid. Between her and another girl at the time who rejected me, I was really starting to hate girls. I decided to just take a break from girls all together.


    At this time as well, I was experimenting with different masturbation techniques. It's hard to remember, but I think I discovered quickly that using a t shirt was the best way to jerk off. This way it would feel good and I wouldn't chafe my dick. I guess nowadays they call this death grip syndrome. It makes sense because if I had to masturbate bare handed, I would be forced to have a girlfriend, even if she was fat to get my rocks off. However, I've been extremely selective my whole life, only dating smoke shows. I guess because for it to be more stimulating than porn and death grip, they would need to be godesses.


    Another experiment was using a pillow to masturbate. I would basically fold the pillow over my dick and fuck the pillow. It wasn't that stimulating because you couldn't go hard, but this would progress later on.


    I used to use the office in my house when my parents weren't home to look at porn and jerk off in middle school. Sometimes even using the pillow. Eventually, I got my own computer in my room and started PMOing a lot more. Things were escalating.


    In high school, my results with girls suffered a lot. In middle school, I was the cutest boy in school, but during puberty, I lost my good looks, and my results with girls suffered. I also wasn't as popular either. Furthermore, I was creepy. I was socially awkward and would stare at girls. I couldn't regulate it due to poor social awareness. I also grabbed girls asses in middle school. I continued this in high school and it ended up getting creepy.


    Around this time, camera phones and flip phones were just coming out. I ended up getting a camera flip phone at the time. My friend would take pictures of girls thongs in class. People call them "whale tails" nowadays. I modeled this behavior and started taking creepshots of girls. This is back before iPhones so they weren't anything special, but it was still creepy.


    You may think by reading this that my best friend was a creep. The crazy thing is, he wasn't. Despite being short and ugly (although he was jacked as fuck), he got laid like a rock star. He had sex with well over 20 girls in high school, all the hottest ones. He got laid ALL THE TIME and always had the hottest girlfriends.


    Porn was also progressing in high school, with tube sites coming out around my senior year. During my senior year, I developed a chronic pain syndrome known as "chronic costochondritis." It destroyed my life. I could no longer work out or participate in athletics. It was bad. I was basically crippled in the prime of my life. It's interesting to note that in the Sexual Transmutation chapter of Think and Grow Rich he states that hypersexuality and overly stimulating yourself sexually can lead to chronic health issues. I've experienced this 100% in the real world.


    I also got into the pickup community in 2007 when I was 17 years old. It was amazing, and I was learning to attract girls for the first time in my life. However, I was a virgin, so I never fucked any of the girls. I just liked the attention. I liked making them feel massive amounts of attraction to me because it fed my ego.


    I'll rewind a bit here to right before I got into pickup. I was a junior in high school, and I got my first girlfriend. She was mediocre, but still hookup material for sure. I tried to fuck her in my room. I figured fuck it, I might as well just lose my virginity. Keep in mind, I was on pace to lose my virginity at 14, so I wasn't concerned with breaking any records. I just figured I might as well get it done at 17.


    It was a disaster. I couldn't get my dick hard and it was incredibly awkward and embarrassing. My dick was so small too because it was so soft, obviously from overly masturbating. I can remember being like "what the fuck is going on?" I ran down stairs and tried to watch some porn to get it up, but nothing would work. This is before anyone even knew about porn addiction or PIED, so I was shocked.


    This is what lead me to my problems in pickup. I was afraid to go through that ever again. I knew that if I made them feel attraction, but never took it further, I could experience great emotions without going through that kind of embarrassment.


    Everything continued to progress into my first year of college. I forgot to mention that I started smoking weed in high school. It started on weekends, then progressed to nights and weekends, and eventually progressed to me selling drugs and smoking all day every day.


    In college, I continued to attract girls, but was still a virgin. At 18, I tried steroids for the first time and started losing my hair. At this point, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was never the type to be depressed, but a combination of events pushed me into my first bout of depression.


    First, I had been dealing with costochondritis for over a year now. The doctors said it would go away in a couple of weeks, but over the course of the year, we tried everything and nothing worked. They checked my blood, my lungs, my heart, everything. They even gave me so much medication I had internal bleeding. It was extremely traumatic.


    Second, I had been in pickup for a year. I expected by this point to be getting laid by hot girls. I could attract hot girls, but all in all, I was a failure, and still a virgin. This was frustrating as well.


    Third, I had lost all of my muscle mass from not working out. I was in very good shape before costochondritis, but now I was beginning to look like a computer nerd. And finally, losing my hair pushed me over the top. My self esteem tanked. This is where things started unraveling for the first of many times over this story.


    I was majorly depressed, and things would only get worse. I quit my job so I could recover from costochondritis. I had over 5 thousand dollars in the bank at the time at 18 years old. Back then that was a shit load of money. This money would eventually dry up to the point of selling everything I owned for weed.


    At this point, I gave up. I turned to weed and porn. I ended up using gloves as condoms for the pillow to increase stimulation. On top of this, porn was progressing and getting more hardcore, just by nature of the internet and tube sites. I was also smoking a ton of weed to increase stimulation. I didn't see it at the time, but the porn was destroying me through guilt and shame, making my depression worse and worse. I was a broken man. Everything I had was gone.


    At 22 years old, I hadn't so much as kissed a girl in years. After quitting with pickup, I could barely even attract girls anymore, even just for my ego. I was smoking a ton of weed and watching a ton of porn.


    I'll also say this, in the midst of this life crisis, I was studying a ton of self-help. I knew that one insecurity I had was a small penis, so I decided to get a cock pump and an extender to solve this problem.


    After enhancing my dick, I gained a ton of confidence immediately. Having studied self help for years now, I came to the realization that I needed to ditch my asshole best friend. He treated me like shit and it was an abusive, dependent relationship. I know this because when I tried to ditch him, he pulled some crazy ex girlfriend shit on me. It was tough.


    After ditching him, I was in the lowest of lows. I had no friends on top of all of my other problems. I finally went to see a therapist out of desperation. I met him on the suicide hotline. At this time, I was taking a ton of adderall, smoking a ton of weed, and watching a ton of porn. I went into psychosis and for the first time almost committed suicide. I've had thoughts of suicide and never done it, but in the mental state I was in from the amphetamines, suicide was literally the only way out. I was losing my mind.


    So, at 22 years old, I began seeing a therapist and started turning my life around. I started hanging with my friend Alex, my first friend since ditching the abusive relationship. I had the balls to tell him I was a virgin. He was actually an awesome friend, unlike my asshole friend. He tried to get me laid.


    I also had a brief period in high school where me and my original best friend didn't hang out. This is because we went to different high schools. I used to hook up with girls all the time because again, I'm sort of a natural, and with the right social group supporting me, I can do well with girls. Me and my original best friend ended up getting back together because we were both drug dealers. We ended up selling drugs together.


    So my friend Alex tried to get me laid. He introduced me to this girl Cheryl. She was a 19 year old DIME. I attracted the fuck out of her with my pickup skills and he helped me set up dates and get her back to my place. When I tried to fuck her, I went limp noodle again. It was devastating. She obviously dumped me. I confessed I was a virgin to her like an idiot, making the experience worse.


    Me and my therapist at the time were working heavily on the major anxiety and depression. My first goal was to get off the pillow. I relapsed a lot but was eventually able to effectively complete this. Next, he convinced me to quit weed. Amazingly, I didn't even see weed as a problem, but he helped me with this and I started to quit. I saw a psychiatrist and got on some antidepressants. I ended up smoking more cigarettes to compensate, but I was off the weed. I still didn't see porn as a problem, just the pillow. Man I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now about porn. Porn was the ONLY problem. Forget the weed, the costochondritis, everything. It was always the porn.


    I ended up graduating college at 23 years old. Still a virgin. I remember balling my eyes out on my way home from my last day of school. I felt like I was a complete failure. I was into pickup all through college and never did anything with it. I thought i would be a virgin for life. My depression dipped further.


    My first job out of college was stocking shelves at kmart. I was a complete loser and I knew it. I stopped hanging out with my friend Alex, but luckily, I made friends with this guy Craig at kmart. He was obese, and kind of a nerd, but he was super cool. He had fucked over 30 girls so I figured fuck it, I'll have this guy coach me. They were all fat but whatever, he was getting laid, and I was a virgin. I humbled myself and let him coach me.


    One of my first hookups was with a 14 year old girl I met online. It was my first blowjob. I was 22-23 years old. I'm so lucky I didn't get a criminal record out of this. This is where my sex addiction has come close to ruining my life even worse than it already has.


    I also finally got a girlfriend and started getting laid for the first time in my life. I ended up getting prescribed via. I said fuck this. I'm not going to be a virgin for life due to erectile dysfunction, fuck that. This helped me get laid. I still didn't even know that porn was causing the ED. Can you believe that? I still didn't even see the porn as a problem. But how could I? I was so busy working through other shit in therapy. I needed to work through so much stuff before even getting to the porn.


    At 24, things were getting better. I got a job at a gym, and started making more friends. The costochondritis was getting better due to physical therapy, the first thing that worked for me. I started working out again, my dream at the time. Finally, I got a job at a bar as a bouncer on weekends. This transformed my life.


    I started smoking weed again at the time. This time, I was on anti depressants and pot. I watched a lot of porn at the time and played a ton of video games. I was complacent, and honestly I had pretty much given up on life. But I have to say, I was content for the first time in my life.


    My family relationships were also improving a lot. Something I didn't mention in the story is that I was a problem child. My relationship with both of my parents was FUCKED. Especially with my Dad. I didn't follow any of their rules, and they never kicked me out. It was a broken home big time. I used to smoke weed in my room and they knew it. They couldn't stop me. I was a monster.


    So, between studying pickup, working out constantly, dressing better, and working at a bar, I ended up picking up the hottest girl of my life. I dazzled her with the tightest game imaginable. After all, I was in the field 10 hours per week at the time.


    I was in love for the first time in my life, and it changed my life. I acted out all of my sexual fantasies with her. I dressed her up. I even tied her up, blind folded her, and gagged her. Again, problems from porn addiction. I also struggled with ED throughout the entire relationship, despite being on via.


    Eventually, she found out the real me. The real me behind the dazzling pickup routines and false confidence. She found out I was a full blown drug addict, and completely fucked in the head. I was also verbally abusive towards her. I was a monster.


    When she dumped me I felt pain like I'd never felt in my life. I was madly in love with her, more than any other time or girl in my life. She showed me the light, and when she left, I was back in the dark. It was brutal. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I was a complete mess for at least a month.


    I had also gotten a new job at the time, and it was miserable. My new boss was verbally abusive. This was the hardest period of my life.


    But, there was one silver lining to this. For the first time in my life, I had hope. I saw what was possible. True love with a beautiful woman. I was inspired. For the first time in years, I wasn't giving up, I was giving it everything I had.


    I made a list of all of the things that needed to improve. I needed more friends, so my life didn't revolve around her. I needed to get in shape because I had let myself go in the relationship. I needed to keep working on myself even when in a relationship. I needed a real job, not a desk worker at a gym. Most of all, I needed to quit weed, which was a major reason she broke up with me. Can you believe porn wasn't even on this list!? Fucking crazy.


    Amazingly, I rebounded with none other than Cheryl. It was nuts. The first time we dated, I was the virgin. This time around, she might as well have been the virgin. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a drop dead gorgeous, rich, and successful woman. I was experienced.


    So I was dating Cheryl, creating new friends, quitting weed, and I went back to school. I was crossing off everything on my list. I knew me and Cheryl weren't compatible, but I needed her. I was still rebounding from the last girl. And one thing me and Cheryl were compatible with was sex.


    We had so much sex it was crazy. And it just got better and better. You would think to yourself, this sex is so good, how can it possibly get better, but it did. And she was the hottest girl I'd ever been with on top of it. It was absolutely incredible. The sad thing though is that the sex was distant. It wasn't love making, it was sex. Most of the time I didn't even kiss her.


    As far as the ED goes, I started taking cia at the time, so I never had a problem. One night I took via, levetra, and cia all at once and lost my vision for the night. I literally fucked her while practically blind. I couldn't go to the hospital, because what was I supposed to tell my girlfriend what I did? Thank god when I woke up my vision was back, but now I need a stronger prescription for glasses. I'm lucky.


    Over a year into the relationship, I found out that Cheryl wasn't taking her birth control. She let this slip when she was drunk. Our communication was also shit at the time. I learned in my last relationship that if I just keep everything to myself and avoid fights, I wouldn't get in trouble. Big mistake there. The problem was, I was addicted to fucking her. She was literally my sex slave. To make matters worse, she loved it. She was also madly in love with me.


    I ended up breaking up with her. I knew she would get pregnant and I was playing with fire. I also had rebuilt my confidence and self esteem and was ready to move on from this rebound. It was a tough decision because I loved her dearly, but I knew it wasn't meant to be.


    She texted me a week after the breakup that she was pregnant. I forced her to get an abortion. She was destroyed. I felt so bad. It was the right decision though. We both deserve someone who we're compatible with to raise children, not just sex partners.


    I was on top of the world when I broke up with her. I was just finishing school, would have a real job for the first time in my life. I also had more friends and was off weed. Everything on my list was complete.


    Things didn't go so smoothly. My confidence slowly diminished until finally I realized. I can't get a girl. This is where things started to unravel all over again.


    I acted out sexually. I started taking creepshots with my phone and masturbating to them excessively. For the first time in my life I had a major problem with porn.


    Porn was always a problem, especially with the pillow. But, this time it was worse. Let me rewind a bit to explain my progression with creepshots. It wasn't until I worked at a gym and had an iphone 5 that they started getting bad. I honestly didn't think much of them. But one day, it dawned on me. Holy shit, I have a video camera, why am I not taking videos instead of pictures? So I started testing this out. I took a lot of videos at the gym, and saved them all. At this time, my porn collection was MASSIVE. Years of complied downloaded videos. Again, I never saw it as a problem, so it was no big deal. Looking back, it was causing depression my whole life.


    Also, when my first love broke up with me, I went to the mall and acted out. I creepshotted this girl aggressively. It was nuts because she was with her boyfreind who was a big black dude. I was in such a not giving a fuck mode that I pulled that crazy shit. Unreal. He approached me talking shit but never did anything. It was traumatic. I was bugging out so bad at the time that I probably would have gauged his eyes out and murdered him. Maybe that's why nothing happened. But it scared the shit out of me.


    So after my second breakup, I started taking creepshots again, but things were starting to get worse. First of all, I found candid videos on youtube. These fetish videos were a real addiction for me. Regular porn was never a major addiction. I kid you not, I could probably take it or leave it. But candid creepshot fetish videos were like gas on fire. This is the point in my life where porn addiction got bad for me.


    Second, I started actively cruising for creepshots. This freaked me out bad. I also took an insane creepshot video at the gym one day of the hottest girl in the universe. She was dressed like a slut and bending over doggystyle and all kinds of things, and I had it all on video. I remember jerking off to this video for 8 hours straight. For the first time in my life I experienced sex addiction on a completely different level. I recognized it was a problem and immediately began working on it with my therapist.


    My first attempt at quitting porn was around 26-27 years old. I'm 29 and a half as I write this. I would quit for a while, and then relapse. This happened a lot. The problem with this is that when I relapsed, I would binge badly.


    I can remember deleting my stash for the first time in my life and how hard it was. The creepshot of that girl at the gym - I wasn't able to delete this for over a year. Insane.


    On one of my relapses, I discovered millions of candid creepshot videos online. Before this, I didn't know they existed. I only had youtube and my own creepshot videos. But this was too much. This is where I started binging for over 8 hours literally every time I relapsed. It's been that way ever since.


    I finally decided that I needed to block this content. I had no control over it and after a year of trying, I simply could not stop. I figured it can't hurt to block it and try and control it at the same time. So, over the course of the last 2 years, I have been blocking everything possible. My therapist has the password to the blockers. When something slips through the cracks, I have him enter the password and I block it. At this point, nearly everything is blocked that can possibly be blocked.


    I'm more grateful than ever that I can block this content and experience life the way it should be - living to my full potential. However, it saddens the hell out of me to know that if it's not blocked, I'm powerless. I've tried so hard, worked with a therapist. I honestly don't know what to do to stop this. I don't know what to do. It ruins my life and I honestly just don't know if I'll ever get my life back.


    I'll go over what is blocked. I have qustodio on my laptop. This blocks basically everything. There are a few candid pictures on google images that slip through. These are unblockable, but they are not powerful enough to become a real problem. Still, I wish I could block all of them, but the technology just isn't strong enough. I wrote a letter to Google stating that they aren't blocking candid creepshots. They block regular porn, but their software isn't detecting candid fetish pictures. I doubt anyone ever read it.


    My iphone is blocked via it's own blocker. Nearly everything is blocked, but here is the problem. You can download a web browsing app which will allow you to look at images via google. It's a loophole. The only way to block these is to delete the app store all together. I've tried this but man it sucks not having the app store. I could also block my phones camera all together, but again, this would blow. I might take this step in the future. I might also try qustodio on my phone to see if I can block more content.


    Blocking content has changed my life. I have gone on streaks of close to a month at a time without watching any porn and my life has completely transformed. I was hooking up with a girl at one point. I stopped smoking cigarettes at another point. I even got my dream job and bought a house. I'm also working on starting an online business.


    Here is my problem. One, you can't block everything. Images are still leaking through, and although they aren't causing 8-12 hour binges, they are still problematic. Two, it is summer, and I have been cruising and taking creepshots more than ever in my life. This is because I don't have access to them online so my only way to experience the rush of searching and jerking is through taking creepshots in the real world. It is becoming problematic and really freaking me out. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to quit.


    I'm also depressed because I'm 29 and single. I have no idea how I'll ever get a girl. This really stresses me out big time.


    I suppose I could delete the app store and my phone's camera. This would force me to stop watching porn. It would make my life a dream. I have to say, without porn is night and day. I am a work horse without it. I'm charismatic, fun, confident, playful, and I work on my goals like a beast. However, if I do this, I won't have a camera on my phone or the app store. This would suck so bad. It sucks that you can't just block certain apps. Maybe I'll delete the app store and the camera for a few months and see how it goes. It certainly can't hurt.


    My thing is, if it's not blocked, I literally can't stop. The only time I could stop was when I was consistently getting laid, which I'm not currently. When I was getting laid consistently, I was able to abstain. Now that it's summer, I literally can't stop taking creepshots. I hate to say it but it's true. And without getting laid, I can't stop looking at anything I can get my hands on, and the blocker can't stop everything. So that's where I'm at currently.


    Anyway, that's my story and my introduction. Hopefully, someone gets something out of it. I know I should post more and it would help my recovery tremendously. I plan on posting a lot more.
     
  2. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 1,

    Today is the day I wrote my intro post ^^. I'm in the midst of a relapse. I was doing well. I was only looking at images leaking through my phone. They weren't affecting me that negatively. I originally picked up this habit when my girlfriend broke up with me. I picked up smoking again, and after a few weeks of abstaining, I gave in and started looking at pictures and gifs. Eventually, the flood gates broke open. Although I'm used to this by now.

    Basically, I have an old iPhone that I don't use. I've always known it was in the drawer, and there was unblocked content on it. I eventually caved and looked. This was 2 weekends ago. I binged for close to 8 hours. Rather than drive 45 minutes to see my therapist, I just smashed the phone with a hammer. I don't need it anyway.

    I was experimenting with seamen retention at the time, so I only blew 1 load the whole time, despite having dozens of orgasms. The experiment showed me that although I wasn't physically exhausted from the binge, I still experienced antisocial behavior and depression from the porn watching. Essentially, my dopamine receptors were fried.

    Also, I downloaded the Tumblr app on my phone which has creepshot content on it. Even though tumblr.com is blocked from my phone, the app works, unlike twitter. Reddit's app does the same, but they've removed their candid content. Same with youtube thank god.

    I attempted to block these apps individually. Namely, Tumblr, and web browsing apps that allow images and gifs through google images. iPhone settings don't have this feature which infuriated me. You are only allowed to block the entire app store altogether. I've done this and it is miserable. You lose access to downloading ANY app which is a major inconvenience in today's world.

    Then there was last weekend's relapse. I went out cruising malls and other shopping areas looking to take creepshots. I took a couple, but due to my poor experience, the results weren't that great, and I really sketched myself out. I ended up deleting them before even masturbating to them.

    This weekend I relapsed again. I was doing well emotionally. I was talking to a girl from tinder and went on a date with her. I even got a kiss and some cuddles at the movies. But, she ghosted me, and the rejection and frustration triggered me. Furthermore, we're experiencing a heatwave and it is 100 degrees where I live. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to cruise the malls again.

    On this cruise, I achieved some really good shots and masturbated to them. I binged and masturbated myself to exhaustion. In between fapping, I've written these posts and reflected. I've also been reading NoFap posts.

    I decided to go back to the mall for a second round. Basically, at this point, I'm just giving up and not even trying. This is out of frustration. At the mall, I ran into my roommate who was with his daughter. Thank god they didn't see me. I left immediately.

    My only option at this point is to suck it up and block the entire app store as well as my camera. I'll just have to live without the app store or my camera for a while. At least I'll have my life back. Hopefully, I can learn to readjust and live without porn.

    My problem is the way my life is structured. I'm lonely. I've been alone all day today. I honestly don't even have anyone to hang out with. My parents are here for the summer visiting but I can't stomach hanging out with them all the time. My one friend who I used to hang out with, well, I started fucking her and now that's ruined. I should have hung out with my other roommate. He is my age and has similar interests. That is a route I will explore once everything is blocked. Once I have no other options. Obviously, I'm single, so no girlfriend to hang out with. This depresses me and triggers me as well. Not getting laid makes things a million times more difficult too.

    I've isolated myself in order to devote all of my time and energy to starting an online business. I also sort of isolate myself naturally. Maybe because I'm an only child. I ditched all of my high school friends because they are all losers and drug addicts. Since then, I've cultivated some friends. But, I moved to Florida for 6 months. When I came back, I moved around a bit and now I live far from everyone. It just feels weird hitting people up out of nowhere and attempting to hang out. I don't really have a best friend or social circle. Even if I did, I'm never available because I'm always working.

    I used to work 7 days per week to afford my house, but recently, I rented 2 of the rooms out, so now I have weekends off. I guess I'm still adjusting to what I'm supposed to do with my time off.

    My therapist is out of town for a few weeks, so I'll have to live with what's currently blocked. My camera will still be accessible, the Tumblr app which is weak but still a trigger, and Google images and gifs through a web browsing app - again weak but still a trigger for acting out.



    Day 2

    Last night I deleted the creepshots. This morning started with major withdrawal symptoms. Basically strong cravings. I cruised the mall multiple times, but it's a rainy day and a Monday so there was nothing going on. It's like my body goes on autopilot and will do anything to find porn. The first few days, I don't know what to do with myself, and I feel the withdrawal kicking in. Very similar to smoking cigarettes. It's like someone just took your cigarettes and yes you can live life without them, but you crave them immensely. Almost like somethings crawling in your skin. This is the feeling I felt.

    I searched my laptop feverishly. Looking to find the videos. They're gone. Deleted. So, I started searching for pictures on google, through a third-party app. Nothing special there either. As a last resort, I searched the Tumblr app. Unfortunately, I struck gold. I found a bunch of new and exciting videos that I hadn't seen before. I was able to feed my addiction further.

    At first, I was bummed out about blocking the app store and camera on my phone. But now, I literally can't wait. I'm reaching the breaking point where the pain of porn is outweighing the pleasure of it. I don't know what will transpire over the next 2-3 weeks with my therapist on vacation, but when he comes back, I can't wait to take the next step in my recovery. It will be like a new lease on life. With the camera and app store blocked, there will be literally nothing to look at. I've been through this before and looked at volleyball videos on youtube, but it beats looking at everything under the sun.

    I'm hoping to utilize this period of everything being blocked to reset my system and reboot. It's the first step, and the only step I can see for my future right now. I'll just have to keep working on it.


    I can remember quitting weed and how hard it was. I can remember the withdrawal symptoms. The physical withdrawals were a lot worse than quitting porn. I would have night sweats. I needed to change my clothes and literally towel off multiple times per night. I also had diarrhea, like water.

    The mental withdrawal is almost identical however. It's the feeling of being placed back in the real world. You see, weed and porn are escapes. When I'm cruising websites or cruising the mall, or even masturbating, I'm escaping the real world. This is the feeling I crave most, to leave all of my stress behind and just escape. To be in another world, where no stress exists. In particular, to not be bored, not be lonely.

    With weed, it took me about a year to adjust to the real world. The physical withdrawals went away within a month or so, but it took about a year to put the pieces of my life together. At first, I was faced with a laundry list of problems, problems I had been ignoring for years. Over time, I put the pieces back together. Also, I got a life. I got a real-life, not an escape from life. Now, I don't crave weed at all. I've even smoked with friends. It was fun, but no relapse. I have literally no desire to go back to smoking weed all day every day.

    If I could quit porn for a full year, I would hope the same would happen. I would hope that I could readjust my brain and get to a point where I wouldn't even crave porn, where I wouldn't even desire to live a life watching porn every day. I've come a long way, and gone for stretches without porn that are the longest I've ever gone in my life, but I still haven't hit the point where I don't even desire it. It would be incredible if I could get to this point. Does it exist? Maybe one of you can chime in and tell me if you've experienced it. All I can do is work my ass off to keep porn out of my life and hope for the best.


    Day 3:

    So last night I sort of hit a breaking point. This happens a lot with relapses. Often times after I've PMO'd so much that it's not even worth it anymore. So I deleted all my shit and did other things. I worked on my online business and made some posts online.

    I woke up this morning with some pretty crippling anxiety. Almost to the point of tears. This luckily cleared up pretty fast once I got to work and started focusing on other things. My sex drive came back immediately. I'm currently on a steroid cycle so my sex drive is ridiculous. It doesn't take much for it to come back full swing.

    So after working and going to the gym, I get home and think to myself, I really want to masturbate and fantasize about one of my coworkers, a girl I saw at the gym, etc. I've never had a problem with masturbation, just the porn.

    When I went to masturbate, the stimulation of my imagination wasn't enough to do hardly anything. This amazes me because I had no reason boners all day and I felt like I could have had sex on spot if you asked me to. I ended up relapsing with some porn. Luckily, no cruising through the mall or anything. I didn't even feel the slightest urge to do so. It's also starting to get sketchy because I've been there all weekend. So, I'm over that.

    My lesson moving forward is to not to try and masturbate for a few days after coming off of the porn. This way, I can resensitize myself to normal masturbation, and get back on track with regular life without porn. Today was a step in the right direction. Working always helps me do that, because I can't be bugging out at work due to porn or I'll lose my job, so I need to keep it cool and stay clean. The weekends are where things get bad for me. I seem to be getting back on track slowly but surely. I can't wait for my therapist to be back so I can block the app store.


    Day 4:

    So, I woke up at 3AM this morning and couldn't sleep. I ended up relasping like an idiot. I guess I figured it would make me tired, but it didn't, it was just a waste of time.

    I certainly had some brain fog today, but the guilt and anxiety levels are way down. It's 830PM right now and mustering up the willpower to abstain is difficult. I've been thinking about Jim Rohn's quote, "you will either feel the pain of discipline or feel the pain of regret."

    I can relate to this a lot. I try to tell myself, I'll feel pain regardless. If I abstain, I'll feel the pain of discipline, but if I relapse, I'll feel the guilt and depression that comes with it.

    What's hard for me is my levels of willpower right now. After working all day, plus the gym, plus working 2 hours on my business, I'm freaking spent. I also gave my rental tenant a 30 day notice today, and this is causing a lot of stress. I'm not even horny but I still feel like I want to just escape. Escape the stress and responsibility of being disciplined.

    After looking at TheAwakening's comment, I can see that completely abstaining is possible. I just know that it will be a difficult habit to break. Like I said, I smoked weed all day every day for about a decade. The thought of going without it was unimaginable. However, after being clean for around 4 years, I don't even think about smoking weed. I wouldn't even want to go down that road again. Hopefully, I can abstain long enough to feel this way about porn.


    Days 5 and 6

    Day 5 I woke up and didn't use porn for the first time. I was officially resensitized to normal masturbation. That night, however, I was so exhausted from work that I had zero willpower and PMO'd again.

    This morning, day 6, I woke up and used porn and facebook again. The brain fog at work was legit. I still feel depressed and worthless from all this relapsing. On my way home from work, I convinced myself that because it was Friday night and hot out, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to cruise the mall.

    It was a nightmare. I couldn't stop myself. I cruised the mall and creepshotted 3 hot girls. One girl was smoking hot and she knew I was creepshotting her. I told myself I'd leave her alone but as my behavior escalated, I ended up convincing myself that she didn't care and liked the attention and went into the store she worked at and tried to take more shots. She knew, was creeped out, and it was horrifying. On the way out I was paranoid and convinced that a guy from the store who worked there was following me. Overwhelmed with guilt, I deleted all the shots, even good ones without even looking at them. I went home and convinced myself I'd never do it again, but minutes later, I was wishing I kept the shots. All in all, I ended up cruising the mall twice, another smaller mall, and target.

    This is literally the worst things have been. Cruising store after store for hours. There is no way to be subtle about it, it is creepy and the girls know it. I feel like a piece of shit for making them feel that way. I need to stop. This addiction is so strong and it is killing me. I tried to avoid masturbation but I couldn't and I PMO'd.

    I think that the mall incident scared me off for a while, but I know I'm screwed because Sunday, I'm working in the city and it will be a hot day with hot girls everywhere. I don't know how I'm going to stop myself.

    I don't even know where to begin with controlling this addiction. Things were going good until I downloaded the Tumblr app and I've been struggling ever since. I am addicted to the porn on my phone, and it is driving me towards voyeurism in the real world. It seems that if it's on my phone or if I have access to it in any way I just can't say no. I need to block the app store altogether and my camera and just live without new apps or a camera for a year until my brain rebalances and I can get my life back together. Even if I have to block it for life, that is what I will do. I refuse to live like this. My therapist, however, is on vacation for weeks so until then I'm on my own. I'll need to just do my best to control myself and reflect on my behavior.

    I'm getting more and more committed to quit, but it seems like the next relapse is always just around the corner. This is why I want to just block everything and have my life back. This is the hardest transformation of my life.


    When I quit weed, I used medication as a crutch. Without it, I legitimately couldn't quit. It was impossible. I couldn't eat or sleep. Life without weed was impossible.

    So, I saw a psychiatrist and said, "I'm trying to quit weed. I need medication that makes me hungry and sleepy." She prescribed a medication called Remeron. It made me sleep like a rock. When I woke up, it felt like I was tranquilized. This is exactly what I needed to quit weed. I almost felt stoned. I was able to go through the withdrawals of no weed. I had diarrhea like water, and I would wake up multiple times throughout the night drenched in sweat. I would literally have to towel myself off, change, and then go back to sleep multiple times per night.

    Eventually, the physical withdrawals went away. I was left with depression, and I had to face life head-on without escaping with weed. This was hard. This took about 2 years. I stayed on the medication for two years while I got my life together.

    After two years, I was finally ready to embark on a life of complete sobriety. By the grace of God, I found a website called dominatedepression.com. I purchased the program, and step by step, I was able to use supplements to come off of Remeron and balance my mood. I weaned myself off of Remeron very slowly. Taking 1/8th of my dose off at a time. Now, I am off of weed and Remeron all together. It took me nearly 3 years, but I can't even see myself going back on weed or Remeron.

    This is what I hope to accomplish with quitting porn. I plan to use porn blockers as a crutch. As of now, everything is blocked on my phone and computer, except for the Tumblr app, and my camera. This is leading to relapsing over and over. By blocking the app store and my phone's camera (thank god this is an option), I hope to rebalance my brain and go through the withdrawals just like with Remeron. Then, when my brain is rebalanced, hopefully, I won't even crave porn ever again.


    Day 6,

    I woke up this morning oddly feeling good. Less depression and a more positive outlook. I attribute this to a few things.

    First, last night was a wake up call. It scared me straight. I realized that I can’t get creepshot videos like the ones online without the girls knowing about it. I don’t know if they are using hidden cameras or something, but I’ve tried and I can’t replicate it. I’m not willing to risk criminal charges so for me it’s just not worth it. I also refuse to make these girls uncomfortable. If it’s harmless and I’m not hurting anybody, I’m cool with it. But if these girls feel unsafe I’m not cool with that. Also who knows what this behavior could escalate to if not unchecked.

    Next, I posted a bunch last night. I was on nofap forums all night just posting and commenting. This has helped me immensely. It helps me put the pieces together and reflect on my addiction. I learned that I really should find a girlfriend based on something other than sex. Someone who makes me a better and more capable person. I don’t want to end up 35 or older, lonely, and hooked on porn because I was too picky finding a partner.

    Lastly, I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning. I masturbated without porn and felt great. It immediately quelled my urge. I went back to sleep and when I woke up an hour later, I wasn’t even horny. I said you know what, I should probably just rub one out again just to be safe and really quell my urges. So I did that and it was a great idea. No porn just masturbation. The lesson I learned is that while on this steroid cycle my sex drive is super high. Honestly, I might just need to be diligent about cleaning the pipes to keep my sex drive at bay. If I let my sex drive build too much, I will lose self control and relapse. My new game plan is to stay on top of things and clean the pipes as much as possible to try and keep my sex drive honest. Especially without a sexual partner, this becomes even more important. Furthermore, my sex drive is super high even off steroids. It always has been. This is a realization for me as well. I may just need to stay on top of things through masturbation. Ideally I would be getting regular sex. But for now masturbation will have to do.

    So, to start the day, no porn thus far, we’ll see how tonight goes. Hopefully this is day 1 of the streak.


    Day 6 continued,

    So I went to work and was feeling pretty good, in control of my life. I was starting to put all of this behind me and move on.

    Then, my coworker asks me, “we’re you at the mall yesterday? I said yes, did you see me there? She said no, my friend Jane thought she saw you there.”

    My heart dropped like a stone. I broke out in sweat. I’ve felt like death ever since that moment.

    This coworker of mine is a girl I was dating recently. I screwed it up like an idiot when I should have made her my girlfriend. I tried to make her a fuck buddy and she eventually dumped me and wasn’t having it. She hasn’t showed interest since.

    I was hoping to get back with her, but now, my slim chances look even slimmer. Who knows what her friend told her. I mean, did she see me walking around looking like a creep? Bugging out and shit? I hope to god no but honestly, who knows. I was acting out pretty bad last night. My worst yet. It was bad enough to scare me straight but now with this, I’m scared shitless. I’m literally never going to the mall or target, or anywhere for that matter again. Fuck that shit. I’m not ruining my life over this shit.

    I hope to god I just looked like a normal guy walking around and she didn’t see anything weird. Hope to fucking god. Regardless, I literally feel like death. This is my worst nightmare come true. The girl I want to be with potentially finding out about this shit.

    I need to get my shit together. It’s not even an option anymore.


    Day 6 Part 3,

    So I got home from work. No urges whatsoever. My sex drive is kind of shot right now. I'm not sure why. It could be hormones, it could be from being traumatized, or it could be from just being so over porn and sexual thoughts that I just don't crave it.

    I went to a block party in my town with my parents. There were a lot of young hot girls around but none of them dressed like complete sluts. Regardless, I wasn't bugging out as much and I kept my eyes to myself. I just wasn't interested, which was great.

    I just got home. It's looking like today is going to be day number 1 of my streak. This feels like a great accomplishment for me. I hope I can keep it together.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
    Ajikan likes this.
  3. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 7,

    So it's officially been a week of journaling. I woke up this morning with 1 day of no porn under my belt. I knew it would be difficult today because I was working in the city and it was 90 degrees out. I knew there would be hot girls everywhere dressed like sluts. At work, things were going well, I had it under control, but I kept looking out the window, and I saw some hot girls. I started searching online for helpful content, things that would make me not want to cruise and act out.

    I couldn't help myself, and after work, I cruised the city for 2 hours and then cruised a mall on my way home for an hour. I didn't take any creepshots. For one, no one was dressed slutty. This amazed me, that I could search for 3 hours and not find any girls dressed slutty. The other thing is, I'm over getting caught. When they know I am shooting them it makes me feel terrible. I never want to go through this feeling again, and I know that it's impossible for them to not know unless I am using a hidden camera. I refuse to go down that road.

    I still feel bad because somebody might have seen me cruising. This freaks me out. I need to stop this behavior. Also, my sex drive is dead right now. I'm on a steroid cycle and my estrogen levels are completely out of control. It's causing a lot of stress because I'm susceptible to gynecomastia, but also it's killing my sex drive. This is helping with abstaining from porn.

    Going on 2 days now with no porn, I'm facing the reality of my life. The reality is, I'm depressed. Not clinically depressed, but down on myself. I hate to sit here on the pity potty, but I feel that I need to journal these feelings and get them on paper.

    The first thing that is stressing me out is my dating life. When I broke up with my long term girlfriend at 27, I didn't get laid for over a year. Then, I started having sex with a friend of mine from work. She was amazing, and I should have dated her and made her my girlfriend. Why I didn't is beyond me. I felt like I was actually attractive and could get girls, which isn't true. This has lead me to going another 8 months in counting now without getting laid. I've gone on 3 tinder dates with girls I'm not even really into, and even they rejected me. I am so frustrated with my dating life. I've struggled with this my entire life.

    I got into pickup at 17, and have worked on this since then - 12 years now. The best I've done is had sex with 6 girls. I've had a 4 month relationship, a nearly 2 year relationship, and a fuck buddy type relationship that lasted 3-4 months. Also a girlfriend I wasn't really into for around 4 months, and 2 one night stands. All of that in 12 freaking years. Recently I learned that I can't even go out and approach girls anymore because I simply don't have the time. My solution for this was to start an online business, quit my day job, and free up time and money to find a girlfriend. This was a year ago. At close to 30 years old, I feel like I'm running out of time.

    I've isolated myself in pursuit of these goals, and it makes me lonely. Honestly, I could go on and on, regarding financial stress, my physique, etc., but long story short, I feel like a failure. I just want a girlfriend I'm compatible with. I've been alone my whole life, and I can't live like this anymore. And when I can't get a girl and have no hopes of getting a girl, it makes me feel like completely giving up. This is when I relapse.

    The solution is to keep moving toward my goals. My goals are to bench 260x8, complete a 90 day NoFap streak, and earn 100 dollars online by January first. I know that if I block the shit out of my phone, it will force me to complete the nofap streak, and help me get back on track with my life. However, I won't be able to do this for a couple of weeks, so for now, I just need to keep journaling and keep pushing myself to quit on my own.
     
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  4. smoke_ash

    smoke_ash Fapstronaut

    Wow, man, nice detailed journal! You should sublimate your sexual energy into writing a novel or something))
    I can't say I read all of this, but looked through and have a couple advices. First, be careful with steroids. They can really damage your health in a lot of ways, that are not worth neither the muscle mass nor the help with your addiction.
    As for the creephots, they are just a variation of porn, the mechanism is the same. So the same rules apply. You gotta be absolutely honest to yourself and not rely on web filters or anything like that. While they can help of course, it's impossible to create an external conditions that will hold you back from finding something that arouses you. You need to form something that Ivan Pavlov called a 'dominant mindset'. This means that there needs to be a lot of reasoning in your brain on why you don't want a certain behavior and want another one. This forum is a great tool to get that. In your particular case, try to also read a lot of articles about sexual objectification of women and why its a bad way of thinking. I'm sure you intuitively know all this already, but it takes time to fill up your brain with thoughts that will compete with the ones you're currently having when you go creeping around. There's never a silver bullet to overcome an addiction, so find what motivates you and read, think, write about it will create a a powerful mindset that will be able to outweigh your temptations.
    Gotta say though, I'm not a doctor, just sharing some insights that I got from watching and reading quite a lot about neurophysiology and psychology. This advice is as much to myself as to you, cause I've been fighting my own demons for quite a bit as well. Good luck in your journey!
     
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  5. porsche4life

    porsche4life Fapstronaut

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    All I can say is damn. Man I feel really bad for you and I hope you get better and eventually find the love of your life and marry her. Porn has affected me psychologically, but not on the level it did for you. Best of luck bro!
     
  6. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support. I've been doing a lot better by reading and posting a lot. I hear you with the steroids. I've already experienced a lot of negative side effects. There is always a negative to be associated with the positive I'm learning. I just have to keep pushing forward to create a better life for myself.
     
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  7. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support. Everyone has their own struggles and journey. I thought that I had it bad until I read some of the story's on this forum. Being addicted to escorts, sissy porn, transgender escorts, sucking dick when you're not even gay. It's amazing how bad this stuff is for you. All I can say is get on top of it ASAP and don't let it ruin your life. If it has already gotten a hold of you, fight it with everything you have. Your life honestly depends on it.
     
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  8. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 8,

    Today was hard. It started off amazing. Complete night and day. After only 2 days of no P, my charisma and energy was back in swing and through the roof. I started to feel like a god again. It's amazing how night and day things are with this stuff. It has motivated me to stay clean and keep building momentum

    I also wrote an affirmation for myself in paragraph form. It's known as an incantation. I read it to myself and it motivates me tremendously. It feels good to get back on the saddle again and start making progress in my life.

    Unfortunately, I had an emotional setback later in the day. As I've mentioned, I've been doing steroids. In order to prevent hair loss, which is a side effect of steroids, I've been using a ton of chemicals on my scalp. Mainly, minoxidil and RU58841. I've been pounding my scalp with insane levels of these chemicals to keep the hair loss at bay. What ended up happening was completely unforeseen and disastrous. I gave myself a scalp wrinkle. A pretty minor one I suppose, it's hardly noticeable, but I know it is there. I fucked myself and now my scalp is permanently deformed. It hurts like hell to accept this. I'll just have to stop with the chemicals and learn from my mistakes.

    My self-esteem seems to be at an all-time low. I'm lonely, and I feel like a failure. It's just a speed bump. I'll overcome it, but right now it stings like a bitch. Luckily, NoFap is going well and it's looking like a day 3 streak for me. I recognize that as bad as things are, it's just not worth relapsing again and making them worse. As soon as the temporary escape wears off, I'll just be right back where I started and dealing with a host of other issues. I need to just stay strong and keep pushing. The scalp wrinkle won't kill me. I need to just learn from it and accept it for what it is.

    Here are a few things that have been helping with this NoFap streak. One, I've been pushing myself to clean the pipes regularly. This keeps my sex drive at bay and helps tremendously from staying away from P. Next, my hormones are still messed up from the roids, so my sex drive is pretty shot. This has been helping. Lastly, I haven't been cruising because honestly, it's just a complete waste of time. I never find anything good, and if I do, they know what I'm doing. If they know I'm doing it and it's creeping them out, then fuck it, it's just not worth it for me. Furthermore, I can't allow myself in public places because I'll run into someone I know or someone who knows someone I know. I can't allow this to happen.

    Another thing that has helped me tremendously is reading and posting on the forums. I read a bunch of content last night about ogling. A lot of what I read was women's perspectives. For the first time in my life after reading this, I haven't been ogling and it feels amazing. It feels good to know you're not being creepy or creeping anybody out. For me, I guess I just never understood how it makes a woman feel to be ogling at her, even if it's just a little or subconscious.

    Overall, I'm feeling let down, depressed, and lonely. I'm not feeling particularly guilty, due to NoFap, but I'm just down on myself due to recent setbacks. I haven't been going to the gym or working on my business. I've also been working 7 days per week, and I'm under a lot of financial stress. It's just a tough time for me right now. I dream of a day where I can keep my financial stress at bay, I have a girlfriend to keep me company, love me, and support me, I can accept myself for who I am, and I don't ogle, creep, or watch P.

    One thing that makes me feel good is that I'm seeking a woman for more than just sex. More than ever in my life. Sex has always been huge for me in relationships. First and foremost, I always wanted the girl to be my sex doll. A smoking hot sex object for me to play with. I'm not looking at it that way right now. I just want to have someone to love and support me and for me to do the same. These times have been humbling for me, and it's good to be humbled every once in a while.
     
  9. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Also, I forgot to mention. I'm in the business of writing and publishing. One of the books I'm working on right now is 300 pages long. I seem to have a knack for writing, and come to find out, I'm very passionate about it. It feels good to identify something you are passionate about, but also good at. I plan to continue writing and publishing, and I hope I can create a ton of value for those who read my content.
     
  10. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Also, about the web filters. I've learned that they aren't a permanent solution. I'm at the point now where I can block just about everything possible, while still leading a normal life. This helps tremendously, but unfortunately, blocking the app store and the camera on my phone would really compromise my quality of life. At some point, I need to develop the ability to quit for real, without relying on blockers. I've been doing this by shifting my mindset. Filling my brain with new ideas and perspectives that can outweigh the years of bad perspectives. The more I do this, the more I associate P with pain and not pleasure, and the more I associate being clean with pleasure instead of pain. I'm slowly but surely shifting my identity, so I don't need to force myself through gritted teeth to stop using. This is the only way I'll be able to beat this. I hope that someday I won't even want to look at P, similar to how I don't desire to smoke weed in the least.
     
  11. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

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    TL, Brevity is the soul of wit.
     
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  12. porsche4life

    porsche4life Fapstronaut

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    Yeah that is some heavy stuff that I've also read. The worst I got into was ts porn, but didn't go that deep into it and most parts I skipped in the videos due to how disgusted I was. But the sissy hypnosis stuff is probably the worst of all, just can't imagine how it feels for those guys.
     
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  13. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 9,

    I'm going through a crisis right now. It's amazing how things can turn on a dime in life. Just a month ago, I had 2 rooms in my house rented out, was pulling in plenty of money, working less, and working on my business more. I also acquired a legit steroid source and was on cycle. I planned on staying on cycle until October 1st, and making great gains in the process. Then, shit fell apart.

    First I downloaded the tumbler app. Basically, the flood gates came loose on my phone, and I couldn't stop the content from coming in. This caused a major relapse for me, leading to cruising malls and other public places for creepshots. The only way for me to block this content would be to block the app store and camera on my phone. Even if I wanted to do this, my therapist, who has the password, is on vacation for 3 weeks. This relapse ended up being one of the worst of all. But, it led me to start this journal and get take the next step in my recovery. Honestly, despite my financial and physique goals falling apart, I'm making more progress than ever with my recovery.

    Next, I had to give one of my roommates/tenants a 30-day notice. This means I'm losing 1k per month of income. Furthermore, if he doesn't leave, or stops paying rent, I need to go to court for an eviction. This is setting me back majorly financially, and stressing the hell out of me.

    Worst of all, this steroid cycle turned into a nightmare scenario. Everything was going great, and then I started ramping up the dosages. Basically seeing how much I could get away with taking. Well, I found out. After taking over a gram of testosterone, my estrogen levels ballooned out of control. I'm taking so much AI that my kidneys won't be able to take it. I feel like shit. My sex drive is shot. It will take time for this testosterone to leave my system and get back on track hormonally. The lesson is to take things in moderation. Never again will I take high doses of this stuff. My kidneys and liver have been through hell over the past 2 years, and that's not even the worst of it.

    The worst is what recently happened to my scalp. I've been using a shit load of rogaine and RU58841 to prevent hair loss on cycle. This lead to scalp folds on my head. If you don't know what they are, look them up on google. It's beyond fucked. It's traumatizing. Last night, I drenched my scalp in vaseline and vitamin e oil. When I woke up, I could have sworn the folds got better. After doing some research online, I think they did get better, as people have used similar treatments to fix their scalp. This is unbelievably relieving because I thought they would get worse, or I would have skin or brain cancer or something. I really should check with my MD to make sure everything is ok, just to be safe. But, to see that they can get better, this is so unbelievably refreshing.

    It's a real fall from grace because I was on pace to take whatever compounds I wanted until October, and finally, have the physique of my dreams. But, I've learned moderation. Stay consistent in the gym, avoid harsh compounds, and focus on health. I need to be happy with the body God gave me and make steady gains the right way. There are no shortcuts. Financially, times are tough right now. I'm working so many hours and it's killing me. I need to be patient and hopefully, this guy is out of the house by September 1st. Then I can find a roommate who is a good fit and pays the bills. Once all this blows over, I'll be back to working on my business and being committed to making money online.

    Lastly, I'm doing well with NoFap. I'm learning more than ever before and applying what I'm learning. My sex drive is shot due to the hormones, but I think I'm making some serious progress regardless. I had a goal at the beginning of the year to complete a 90-day nofap streak, and unbelievably, I feel like I might be able to pull it off. I just need to keep pushing forward, respect myself, respect my body, be kind to myself and my body, and learn from my mistakes. Today marks day 4 of no porn. I'm starting to lose track of the days now.
     
    Ajikan likes this.
  14. ryan23

    ryan23 Fapstronaut

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    I've struggled long and hard with the creepshot stuff. Used to take them about 3 years ago at my work place when I had the opportunity. I worked in a health care field, and had many beautiful women around me. Of course with this stuff, it never ended up being enough. I always wanted to do it again. And again...Led me no where to sorrow and lack of confidence in myself. And of course just feeling like a creep/pervert.

    Now it's transitioned for me into sexting and that shit has been destroying me lately. It seems so great, the attention, the validation, but it takes so much of my time and energy. And it's such a distraction. I hope I can stop soon...:/
     
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  15. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Hey dude. Thanks for the reply. Thankfully I never let my habit slip into the workplace and I never took any creepshots of my girlfriends even though they were both hot as fuck and I thought about it. The fear of getting caught and completely ruining my life always held me back. I'm the type where I always push to see what I can get away with without getting caught, and I know that if I'm doing it in the workplace or with friends, family, etc. it's just too much risk of getting caught. This is why I don't cruise the mall anymore. My friend's friend saw me there once and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me. Also, I was separating these women like as if they were objects on a screen. Even with friends, I never creepshotted them out of respect for them as a person. Like, I would never take a video of them behind their back and jerk off to it, and then just lie about it the next day and act like it never happened. I just don't have the heart to do that to someone and I know that it's wrong. But, people I didn't know, I objectified them.

    My advice to you is to read, comment, and post here as much as possible. Porn is not worth it. It makes you feel worthless and completely ruins your life. I don't care if you're a millionaire with a beautiful family, this shit will ruin your quality of life. Let alone us regular guys. It seems for me that the more I read, comment, and post, I'm creating a mental shift - a change of perspective. It's allowing me to look at things in a completely different way. For example, I drove by the mall today and felt completely disgusted at the thought of creeping around. I wasn't the least bit interested in it. It's like you're no longer chasing the high, you are back in reality. Almost like looking at a crackhead doing crack, like, you would never have an urge to do something like that. But, if you were chasing the high of being on crack, you'd do anything to get it.

    Keep pushing yourself to change. Keep making small incremental changes. If you look at my early posts, day 1, 2, 3, etc., I was still relapsing and fucking up, but I was reflecting on it and working on just getting a little bit better. I wasn't going for a 90-day streak cold turkey, I was just trying to make small changes. Now I'm on day 10, and I'm starting to see results. I'm losing track of my streak and there are some permanent changes taking place. Start a journal and post every day so you can track your progress. Just comment on how you feel, don't worry so much about quitting completely. It will allow you to reflect on the process, view it objectively, and work through the bullshit that you're tangled up in. Make small changes in your perspective and your approach to quitting and they will add up over time. Keep going back to the drawing board and making small incremental changes daily.

    Read posts all night. Read up on areas you need to work on. For example, I read a bunch of posts on ogling. A lot of these threads were commented on by women. I was able to see their perspective when it comes to creepshots and how it makes them feel. It completely shifted my mind set, and I haven't ogled or creeped since, and this was a major problem for me my whole life. I didn't realize how much I was ogling women until I saw this thread. Now I realize how uncomfortable I was making them feel and how they always knew I was ogling, even if they didn't catch me, they could just feel it. Another thing I learned by reading was how you can get lost in porn and wake up one day in your 30s or 40s alone and unable to get a girl. A time in your life where you should be settled down with a wife and kids, but you can't connect with other people. This strongly motivated me to quit porn and get a real girlfriend. Not a sex object, but a real girlfriend. I could go on and on, but I've learned so much by reading these forums. But, don't just read. Provide value. Like when you commented on my post. That provided value to me. It allowed me to comment back, reflect, and learn. It provided me emotional support, and I can see that I'm not alone in this. By commenting, give people a new perspective and motivation. Even if it isn't the best information, at least you tried to provide value, gave someone a new perspective, or motivated them to get better. This value you provide will come back to you in life and in your recovery. When you comment back and forth, and converse with people, you create a mastermind which can overpower the grip of addiction.
     
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  16. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 10:

    Today was better. I woke up with no sex drive, but forced myself to clean the pipes. I don't want any urges building up at this stage in my recovery. This morning, I started listening to Psychology of Achievement by Brian Tracy. I did some gratitude, affirmations, and visualization briefly.

    At work, my estrogen didn't spike for the first time in a while. Holy mother of God, I was so relieved. In the past 3 days, I've taken two BOTTLES of Aromasin, and over 20mg of Letrozol. These are INCREDIBLY powerful anti-breast cancer drugs used to combat estrogen, and you do not want to be taking them by the bottle. It's actually insane that I had to do that. But, I was able to crash my estrogen and finally recover from all of the testosterone. It seems to have left my system. Thank Christ all mighty. My kidneys and liver definitely took a beating over the past week, and I'm so glad it's over. I'm going to be so gentle to my body for at least a year if not the rest of my life after this experience. I'm excited to start training again, but this time, on low doses of anabolics only, real food, and just being consistent and gentle with my body, and making steady gains. I want to be healthy. After this estrogen attack and the changes on my scalp, I've humbled myself and I'm more accepting of who I am. it's not worth fighting it. God gave me this body and I should be happy with it. I'm not crippled, and I don't have any major terminal diseases. I'm so lucky to have this body, and I'm not going to fuck it up by taking it for granted.

    As mentioned, I developed a mild case of cutis verticis gyrata which is scalp folds. This was crushing for me. But, I've been treating it with vitamin e oil. Also, my barber cut my hair today and didn't even notice until I told him. This is so relieving for me. I'm getting over this crisis.

    I've been working 7 days per week, so I'm exhausted. I have a 3 day weekend coming up, so I'm excited to get some of my energy back. I plan to keep posting and commenting regularly. I seem to be developing a major shift in perspective, which is incredibly refreshing and unanticipated. I'm not craving porn because I'm seeing it in a different light. I plan to keep moving forward and making small improvements daily towards my recovery. This is looking like a day 5 for no porn.
     
    Ajikan likes this.
  17. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Bro. What a fucking masterpiece Of s journal. For someone so new to nofap you freaking have dove in headfirst. Love to see you owning your failures. You are a giant in diapers. Keep at it man. Your body will catch up to your brain.

    Keep posting. Read other pppls journals. I am digging out of a shit hole and I can’t tell you good it feels to see folks here who fucking can relate. Not all of course some are two outwardly focused still. some are twats that don’t know their shit stinks but hell, I’m proud to call you my bro man.

    My laundry list is long , I dont wanna take away from anything. I read your WHOLE journal. Loved the early recollections. Very good stuff there. You might want to watch/listen to a talk by dr.mate while you work out.

    Good stuff bro. Keep going. You are doing amazing.
     
    Ajikan likes this.
  18. Dexter Moran

    Dexter Moran Fapstronaut

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  19. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Okay—-your post really upsets me. I had to back away and cool off.

    Have you ever been to a saa class??

    I have never ever read a post that piles shame on top of an honest recount as yours just did.

    Shaming him might make you feel good but it literally is spitting in the guys face. Is that what you are hoping to achieve???

    Your lack of self acceptance is glaring.

    Are you aware of the cathartic release that this brother of mine gets by admitting and confessing ?

    In order to face himself he has to admit what he is mired in. It’s part of a reckoning process.

    The crassness you have, the audacity you have to call it sniggering is bewildering. I am speechless.

    Are you planning To deface every user that keeps an honest accounting of their misdeeds with a “this is deplorable” tone?

    I don’t know if you keep a journal... but...How honest is your journal? Do you share your feelings as transparently or are you projecting strength to make yourself look better?

    Are you under the impression that only certain addicts deserve a pat on the back?

    He already identifies as a creep he already is dealing with himself.

    To be honest every porn addict could be sneered at like a child molester if everyone had your attitude.

    Yes Nofap is great, but we need to be accepting not spanking each other. Have some decorum.

    The fact people are at different levels of expression or honesty does not mean they are insincere.

    The road to progress is not vertical. It’s up and down. Read anyone’s journal. Hopefully you will see that.
     
  20. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    You're clearly misreading my post. I'm in no way proud of my actions, I'm simply reflecting on them in order to learn and better myself. I'm sure there are plenty of horror stories out there, I just chose to open up about mine in order to help myself and others. You think I want to be in this place? Believe me, I wish I never took the actions that I did. I'm happy that you haven't gone through what I've gone through. Consider yourself lucky. I appreciate the feedback, but believe me, I'm a good person and I'm just trying to work on myself so that I don't have to keep going through this nightmare. I've paid for my sins, believe me. But, I'm learning a lot about myself and getting to a place where I don't keep going through this cycle of addiction. I'm sorry you interpreted my posts in this way, but I have to say I disagree with a lot of what you are saying. I'm not bragging or sniggering whatsoever. And about the abortion thing. There was a lot more to it than me forcing her to abort. I won't get into it, but I was a great guy to her and I honestly believe I left her better than I found her. You don't know the whole story, so don't be so quick to make judgments. There is no pleasure in reliving my past. But, I have to live with it nonetheless. Just be happy you're in a place where you don't have to live with a past like mine.
     
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