Day 26, Long day. Great day. A lot to cover. I couldn't sleep well after last night. It was a very stressful night. I went to bed late and woke up at 4 AM feeling anxious. I went back to sleep and slept in until close to 9, which is late for me. I was trying to outlast the roommate/tenant so I wouldn't have to run across him. I eventually said fuck it and got out of bed. Luckily he's been gone all day and I think he may be out for the whole weekend which is great. I ate breakfast, visualized, showered, and so on. After this, I took pictures of my home gym which I'm selling on craigslist and posted the ad. I ended up getting 2 offers already. This is great because I can get some money and get rid of the equipment. I honestly thought I would have to scrap it. After this I needed to kill some time so I worked on the business for over an hour. This was great. Then, 3 of my friends from work came over and we had a cookout. It was great. They drank, I didn't, and we played lawn games. It was a really awesome time. I enjoyed it a lot. I don't do this enough, and need more of it. The cookout lasted until 5 PM and we all had a great time. Afterwards, one went home and 3 of us went out to dinner. It was really great. One of the girls I was with all day (my friends are 3 girls) is the girl I was in a sexual relationship with earlier. I've journaled about this girl before. She kind of let me go about 6 months ago. I didn't mention this, but the last night we hung out, she felt uncomfortable with the amount of sex I was having with her. She's very insecure about sex because she was raped at a young age. Me on the other hand, well, you've heard about my sexual problems, and they extend into real sex, not just porn. So after we all split for the night, she invited me over. I went over and we had a really great time. Played with her dogs, and just chilled. She sat on my lap and stuff and we were a bit physical. I feel good about the situation though because I didn't get all horny and naked and just start having dirty sex with her. After all of this self-development, it's like, almost like porn. Like you are objectifying her and just having dirty sex for the pleasure and self-indulgence. It's gluttonous. Like, you can't just enjoy food, you have to stuff yourself and binge. Not cool. Not worth it. Not fulfilling. Not mature. It felt good to just hang out and enjoy each others company. It felt really good. This is what my life is about now. This is why I'm so passionate about nofap. I'm really proud of reaching this level of maturity. Like, I've always been very mature and responsible in all areas. But with sex, I've been completely and utterly out of control. It has absolutely destroyed my sexual relationships with girls I loved and cared about more than anything. It hurts looking back on it. I read a post from a guy who was really struggling bad - way worse than me. He said something I found profound. He said he looked back on his life and relationships and saw nothing but scorched earth. I look back on my sexual relationships like that. Scorched earth. What hurts the most is that these were innocent girls and beautiful people. I can't believe what I put them through. I'm a tough mother fucker and I can handle it, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone like that, let alone my best friend and love of my life. If anything I'd protect them from it. Which is why I always distanced myself from women, to protect them from me. Now I feel like my sexual health and maturity is really coming along, and it's spreading into all areas of my life. It's really incredible. It's a really beautiful experience living life this way. I always wanted to be that guy that could just be normal, and not thinking about sex all the time. Not staring at girls and staring at porn all the time. I feel like I'm getting there. I kind of want to start dating her. I mean, she's almost perfect for me. She's not nearly as hot as my ex-girlfriends, but she's hot. We also click very well and can spend entire days with each other no problem. This is huge for me. Today I noticed though, her room and bathroom were a complete mess. Clothes and clutter everywhere. Completely disorganized. I hate to be so picky, and maybe I won't be, but I just wonder what it would be like living with each other. Like, it might lead to fights or something. Who really knows. It's just something that went through my head. Overall, I really enjoyed her company a lot. It's the first time I've been with a girl in 6 months and wow it just felt great. I needed the human connection. Also, my therapist texted me that he's back in town, so I'll probably set up a phone call with him. I could really use the talk therapy. It never hurts, but right now with the roommate/tenant situation, I could really use it. Also, I'm excited to add my iPhone to my Qustodio account and block these apps. It's kind of been a dream of mine to block individual apps and now that I have a solution, this is just great. This will really put the nail in the coffin on this addiction. With everything blocked, all I need to do is avoid cruising and taking creepshots, which honestly, I'm feeling pretty confident about. I've talked about it before, but I'll touch on it again. Fuck cruising and taking creepshots. They always know you're doing it and it's super creepy and weird. I don't like it at all. The only way I would consider doing it would be to buy hidden spy cams and I refuse to go down that road. That shit is so disrespectful and cowardly. I could see myself sneaking a shot occasionally if the occasion called for it and I absolutely could not get caught, but I don't even see myself doing that. With all of the rewiring I've done to my brain, I can't imagine doing such a thing. It's not just the content blockers that will fix this problem, it's still the work I'm doing here to nail this recovery. I still need to stay away from softcore stuff and just stick to plain MO at most. It's crazy because I haven't even MO'd in like 3 days and before that it was another 3 days. Most I've ever gone in my life. It's nuts. My sex drive is still shot, but I have to imagine that some of it is due to the brain rewiring. Like, I don't crave that "fix" anymore. I'm focusing my time on other things like working out, socializing, or working on my business. Also journaling and interacting on the nofap forums. Although my sex drive is still shot, I was still aroused with the girl. Like, even when she texted me to come over I got a little aroused. If I put my hands on her, I'm sure I would have gotten aroused too. I'll have to make a post about PIED, because I have a lot of experience with it. Guys often think they have a hormonal problem, but as a guy who takes testosterone, I can tell you that even with adequate hormones, you can still have PIED. It's all about the brain. Even if you were castrated you could probably get it up because that's the way your brain is wired. If you don't have some sort of serious medical issue like congestive heart failure, you should be able to get it up no problem, especially in your teens and 20's. It's the porn that's causing it. Period. ED didn't even exist until porn existed, it was unheard of. Trust me. Still going through stressful times but I caught a lot of breaks today and I had a wonderful day. It's all about being social. Spending time with awesome people and having intimate connection with a significant other. That's what can really make your life amazing. Porn will steal this. Porn stole this from me for decades. I won't let it steal it again. It continues to amaze me that nobody realizes how much it can damage lives, and I got sucked right into it. I have the perfect personality to go way overboard with it. Like a lock and key. I was able to stay away from hardcore drugs and alcohol, but if people told me cocaine was no big deal, I can assure you I'd be fucked. I saw this ahead of time and never touched it. I wish I could say the same for porn. All I can do now is realize the mistake I made and take my life back before any more of it is wasted. Another day to the streak.