My Story of How I Became Addicted to Creepshots

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by ryguyuplift, Jul 28, 2019.

  1. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 26,

    Long day. Great day. A lot to cover.

    I couldn't sleep well after last night. It was a very stressful night. I went to bed late and woke up at 4 AM feeling anxious. I went back to sleep and slept in until close to 9, which is late for me. I was trying to outlast the roommate/tenant so I wouldn't have to run across him. I eventually said fuck it and got out of bed. Luckily he's been gone all day and I think he may be out for the whole weekend which is great.

    I ate breakfast, visualized, showered, and so on. After this, I took pictures of my home gym which I'm selling on craigslist and posted the ad. I ended up getting 2 offers already. This is great because I can get some money and get rid of the equipment. I honestly thought I would have to scrap it.

    After this I needed to kill some time so I worked on the business for over an hour. This was great. Then, 3 of my friends from work came over and we had a cookout. It was great. They drank, I didn't, and we played lawn games. It was a really awesome time. I enjoyed it a lot. I don't do this enough, and need more of it.

    The cookout lasted until 5 PM and we all had a great time. Afterwards, one went home and 3 of us went out to dinner. It was really great.

    One of the girls I was with all day (my friends are 3 girls) is the girl I was in a sexual relationship with earlier. I've journaled about this girl before. She kind of let me go about 6 months ago. I didn't mention this, but the last night we hung out, she felt uncomfortable with the amount of sex I was having with her. She's very insecure about sex because she was raped at a young age. Me on the other hand, well, you've heard about my sexual problems, and they extend into real sex, not just porn.

    So after we all split for the night, she invited me over. I went over and we had a really great time. Played with her dogs, and just chilled. She sat on my lap and stuff and we were a bit physical. I feel good about the situation though because I didn't get all horny and naked and just start having dirty sex with her. After all of this self-development, it's like, almost like porn. Like you are objectifying her and just having dirty sex for the pleasure and self-indulgence. It's gluttonous. Like, you can't just enjoy food, you have to stuff yourself and binge. Not cool. Not worth it. Not fulfilling. Not mature. It felt good to just hang out and enjoy each others company. It felt really good. This is what my life is about now. This is why I'm so passionate about nofap.

    I'm really proud of reaching this level of maturity. Like, I've always been very mature and responsible in all areas. But with sex, I've been completely and utterly out of control. It has absolutely destroyed my sexual relationships with girls I loved and cared about more than anything. It hurts looking back on it. I read a post from a guy who was really struggling bad - way worse than me. He said something I found profound. He said he looked back on his life and relationships and saw nothing but scorched earth. I look back on my sexual relationships like that. Scorched earth. What hurts the most is that these were innocent girls and beautiful people. I can't believe what I put them through. I'm a tough mother fucker and I can handle it, but I would never intentionally hurt anyone like that, let alone my best friend and love of my life. If anything I'd protect them from it. Which is why I always distanced myself from women, to protect them from me.

    Now I feel like my sexual health and maturity is really coming along, and it's spreading into all areas of my life. It's really incredible. It's a really beautiful experience living life this way. I always wanted to be that guy that could just be normal, and not thinking about sex all the time. Not staring at girls and staring at porn all the time. I feel like I'm getting there.

    I kind of want to start dating her. I mean, she's almost perfect for me. She's not nearly as hot as my ex-girlfriends, but she's hot. We also click very well and can spend entire days with each other no problem. This is huge for me. Today I noticed though, her room and bathroom were a complete mess. Clothes and clutter everywhere. Completely disorganized. I hate to be so picky, and maybe I won't be, but I just wonder what it would be like living with each other. Like, it might lead to fights or something. Who really knows. It's just something that went through my head. Overall, I really enjoyed her company a lot. It's the first time I've been with a girl in 6 months and wow it just felt great. I needed the human connection.

    Also, my therapist texted me that he's back in town, so I'll probably set up a phone call with him. I could really use the talk therapy. It never hurts, but right now with the roommate/tenant situation, I could really use it. Also, I'm excited to add my iPhone to my Qustodio account and block these apps. It's kind of been a dream of mine to block individual apps and now that I have a solution, this is just great. This will really put the nail in the coffin on this addiction. With everything blocked, all I need to do is avoid cruising and taking creepshots, which honestly, I'm feeling pretty confident about.

    I've talked about it before, but I'll touch on it again. Fuck cruising and taking creepshots. They always know you're doing it and it's super creepy and weird. I don't like it at all. The only way I would consider doing it would be to buy hidden spy cams and I refuse to go down that road. That shit is so disrespectful and cowardly. I could see myself sneaking a shot occasionally if the occasion called for it and I absolutely could not get caught, but I don't even see myself doing that. With all of the rewiring I've done to my brain, I can't imagine doing such a thing.

    It's not just the content blockers that will fix this problem, it's still the work I'm doing here to nail this recovery. I still need to stay away from softcore stuff and just stick to plain MO at most. It's crazy because I haven't even MO'd in like 3 days and before that it was another 3 days. Most I've ever gone in my life. It's nuts. My sex drive is still shot, but I have to imagine that some of it is due to the brain rewiring. Like, I don't crave that "fix" anymore. I'm focusing my time on other things like working out, socializing, or working on my business. Also journaling and interacting on the nofap forums.

    Although my sex drive is still shot, I was still aroused with the girl. Like, even when she texted me to come over I got a little aroused. If I put my hands on her, I'm sure I would have gotten aroused too. I'll have to make a post about PIED, because I have a lot of experience with it. Guys often think they have a hormonal problem, but as a guy who takes testosterone, I can tell you that even with adequate hormones, you can still have PIED. It's all about the brain. Even if you were castrated you could probably get it up because that's the way your brain is wired. If you don't have some sort of serious medical issue like congestive heart failure, you should be able to get it up no problem, especially in your teens and 20's. It's the porn that's causing it. Period. ED didn't even exist until porn existed, it was unheard of. Trust me.

    Still going through stressful times but I caught a lot of breaks today and I had a wonderful day. It's all about being social. Spending time with awesome people and having intimate connection with a significant other. That's what can really make your life amazing. Porn will steal this. Porn stole this from me for decades. I won't let it steal it again. It continues to amaze me that nobody realizes how much it can damage lives, and I got sucked right into it. I have the perfect personality to go way overboard with it. Like a lock and key. I was able to stay away from hardcore drugs and alcohol, but if people told me cocaine was no big deal, I can assure you I'd be fucked. I saw this ahead of time and never touched it. I wish I could say the same for porn. All I can do now is realize the mistake I made and take my life back before any more of it is wasted.

    Another day to the streak.
     
  2. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Bro. So few men are here as real and gritty as you. I encourage you man.
     
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  3. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    Hi man, i’m reading this post and what you said here is 100% correct. I remember during the height of my pmo use in high school, i became extremely sick with something like pneumonia or flu. I also got horrible acne.

    Once i stopped pmo, i never got sick and my skin got better

    Overstimulating yourself RUINS your health. It’s sad doctors lie and say masturbation is healthy

    Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like you had lots of heartache and trials, but i hope you can heal from your past and still become the man you want to become
     
  4. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    dude i’m so glad you had this realization. I too had the same feeling that it feels more fulfilling to just have a good time hanging out with the girl
     
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  5. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    this:) I like your attitude and vow to not let it steal from you. The Devil is a roaring lion seeking whom he may kill, steal, and destroy.

    Porn is basically the devil in our case. it can only kill, steal and destroy. Nothing good comes out of it
     
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  6. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    You took the words right out of my mouth. I stayed away and will continue to stay away from everything else: alcohol, drugs, i’ve quit videogames and social media..

    But the one probably biggest thing we missed is pmo.

    If we knew what we knew now, we definitely wouldn’t touch porn. But at a young age, even if someone told us what we know now, would we really stay away from it?

    I’m not quite so sure, because sometimes we have to actually experience the pain and consequences ourselves
     
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  7. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Thanks dude. I appreciate it a lot.
     
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  8. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    First off, thanks for your support and taking the time to read my journal. I appreciate it. And ya, you're right. It's not enough for someone to tell you not to put your hand on the stove, you need to get burned. I'll say this though. I never touched hardcore drugs because I knew better. Weed on the other hand. All I heard was DARE and reefer madness and all of the BS. When I smoked it and realized it was harmless compared to what they told me, I assumed that it wasn't addictive either. This got me into a lot of trouble. Also, nobody told me anything about the dangers of porn. My Dad told me it was bad news and to stay away, but I didn't think it was anything like this. If I saw some of the stories on here, or knew the gravity of it, I'm pretty sure I would have said fuck that. My evidence for this is me saying fuck that even now in the grip of addiction.
     
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  9. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 27,

    Tough day. Went to bed late last night, woke up around 7. Ate breakfast and got ready for work.

    Work was decent, but the fucking estrogen. My God is this frustrating. I was taking a bunch of letrozole to get it under control and when I take to much of that stuff I get so lethargic it's ridiculous. I know I'm destroying my insides and I can't handle it emotionally. Also, the lethargy takes me out. Honestly from now on, I'm taking like 5-7.5mg at most and after that, whatever happens happens. If the gyno gets terrible, I'll just get fucking surgery and make payments. At this point, fuck it. I refuse to destroy my insides. Just gotta keep riding it out until the testosterone clears my system. It's all I can do. I might get my testosterone checked to make sure it's actually high. Maybe my body is just developing a tolerance for letrozole. Can't hurt. Anyway, so frustrating.

    While I was working my Dad sold my gym equipment to some guy for $350. This is pretty badass. Plus I made $300 after taxes today working OT so there's a win there.

    Nothing else really to touch on. No gym, nothing really productive because of the lethargy. I'll just spend some time on the forums and work on my business until bed. Just gotta keep grinding.

    Another day to the streak. Making a push for 30 days. This is crazy.
     
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  10. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 28,

    Here's a few realizations I've had. First, I think relapses happen when you're in a place where you say, "fuck it, I'll never get a girl anyway, and then you just stop caring." Your mind can also trick you into saying this when you really don't mean it. You need to get to a place where it's about more than just girls. Where you say, "ok, my life is shit, but it's still not worth watching this stuff because as bad as things are now, they will be a million times worse on porn."

    Another realization happened when I MO'd the other morning. My mind was literally blocked from dirty thoughts. Again like a pop-up blocker. I think this rewiring is doing something.

    My sex drive is coming back a bit today, and things are starting to change. I'm not nearly as confident staying away from this stuff. It takes a lot more strength to avoid relapsing. I'll need to set up an appointment with my therapist to block my phone. I'll also MO more if necessary to kill the urges. It's time for battle.

    Today was pretty run of the mill. Worked overtime. It was tough work but wasn't too bad, and made some extra money. Saving money has been going good. I've been in hibernation mode. I only spend money on food, water, and shelter. It's helping decrease my financial stress.

    I skipped the gym today. I'm beat and just want to work on the business. My health is pretty fucked right now. Probably worse it's ever been in my life. I need to buckle down and get a handle on this at some point. Prepare meals, clean up my diet, start working out, quit smoking. It's a long list ahead of me. At least nofap and finances are making good progress.

    Cleaners cleaned my house today. It's spotless. It feels great. I just can't wait until this roommate/tenant is gone so that it actually stays clean when they clean it. I also can't wait to exterminate the bugs from his room. Last night I put ant traps throughout the whole house and sprinkled ant granules on the deck and any area surrounding his room. Hopefully, this keeps them at bay until he leaves.

    Can't get complacent. Gotta keep pushing. Another day to the streak.
     
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  11. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    It's easy to get complacent and forget about superpowers. Like, you build a tolerance to them and act like it's just normal life. But it's not normal for me to be this social, outgoing, charismatic, and confident. One slip up or relapse could set me back miles. Just have to realize that even though it seems status quo and like everything's normal, you're actually on a hot streak and you're not invincible. No hot streak will be hot enough to stop even 1 tiny relapse. Gotta keep this in mind moving forward.
     
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  12. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    To each their own, but all of the people i’ve seen actually break free from this has abstained from porn and masturbation.

    The two usually go hand in hand. And masthrbation alone increases lust and sexual urges.

    Also you say that your health is at its worst. Do you know that frequent masturbation alone completely ruins your health? It is contrary to what the doctors say. They say it’s healthy.

    Please read this so you are aware

    https://drlwilson.com/ARTICLES/MASTURBATION.htm
     
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  13. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    you can do it!
     
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  14. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    I hear you. The more I've rewired my brain, the less I've actually been masturbating. It's like I'm just not as interested anymore. Maybe I'll get to a point where I can stop altogether, but for now, I need to take baby steps. First 30 days no porn, then 60, then 90. I'd like to repeat this a few times before I even think of going hard mode. I tried hard mode initially and the urges lead to relapses. I find if I masturbate, the urge for porn goes away and I get minimal to no negative side effects. If I got steady sex from a girlfriend I'd be able to quit masturbation no problem though.

    My health is actually shit right now because I've been focusing on my online business, working overtime, and renting out rooms in my house. Basically just focusing on finance, and lately a lot on NoFap. I've just had less time to focus on health. Also, I took way too much testosterone, my estrogen went out of control, and it was just this big health crisis. And gaining a bunch of weight has raised my blood pressure. All in all, I've decided that health is more important than muscle. My new idle is Tom Brady. He looks so young and so good at 40. That's my goal in life. Be legitimately healthy and look good naturally.

    After this experience, I'm more comfortable with the body God gave me. I might not look like a male model, but I'm done taking it for granted that I was born healthy and without any major illnesses. I refuse to die at 50 trying to be someone I'm not. I work with stroke patients daily, and it's just so fucking dumb to act like it can't happen to me. I need to do everything in my power to maximize my health and vitality.
     
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  15. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 29,

    Went to bed at 9 sharp last night. Woke up so refreshed. So much energy, it was great. Superpowers were in full swing today. Laughing and raising the mood of everyone around me. Man, why would I ever give this up for anything let alone trash? Watching porn is literally like throwing yourself into a garbage can and just laying there and crying. Like, really? I need to bitch slap myself more often.

    Worked, haircut, nofap forums, and some online business before bed. Nothing crazy to report on. Life seems to be getting better. Didn't masturbate this morning. No biggie. It's amazing how far I've come. Going 24 days without porn and going 3-4 days without masturbating regularly. This is nuts man. Can't get complacent. I need to text my therapist and set up a time to block this phone. Time to put the nail in the coffin of this addiction and go on a super streak.

    Another day to the streak.
     
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  16. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 30,

    Long hard day of work. I tried to get to bed at 9 again, but tossed and turned until 1030. I ended up sleeping in and feeling drained right off the bat. I nailed my morning routine and was a little late for work. My day was very busy and a lot of hard work. I'm wiped.

    No gym today. Just the forums and working on my business. I want more money. I want to fight to create enough money to quit my day job. I love my job, but corporate just makes you work way too hard and it steals your energy, time, and life. I'll fight to get out of this. I want to actually have the time to work out, focus on health, and so on. I don't want to squeeze it into nights and weekends when I'm already exhausted.

    Urges have been low, and superpowers have been on point. I'm exhausted, but my charisma is amazing. I love joking and having banter with coworkers and clients. It really makes life a joy.

    Last night I thought about watching porn. I remember thinking, "for what? Girls dressed in slutty clothing? Who cares?" Kind of an interesting thought pattern and shows that the rewiring must be working. I don't want to get complacent though. I need to block this phone asap and put the nail in the coffin. I'm excited to take the next step in my recovery and make these changes.

    Today was the first day since I can remember where my estrogen didn't spike. I didn't need any drugs to fix it. It feels so good.

    I've been reading Tom Brady's book The TB12 Method. It's a really amazing read, and it's changing my life. I've been suffering from chronic pain my whole life, and by using some of the principles in this book, I'm already getting results and seeing decreased pain. This is a great step for me.

    I set up an appointment with my therapist for Sunday and also we're working on setting up a time where I can come in and block my phone. It's going to feel so free to have my phone blocked. This way, even if my willpower and discipline fail me, I'll still be protected. I can't wait for this. The talk therapy is also much needed, because I've been going through a lot in my life.

    10 more days until the tenant is gone. Pray to God he leaves. If not, we're going to court. I'll need to evict him and sue him for the money I spent on evicting him. Things could get crazy. I just honestly can't wait until all of this blows over and he is gone. I'll fill the room with someone good and it will help my finances tremendously. I'll be back on track for the first time in a long time.

    That's just about everything I can think of. Another day to the streak.
     
  17. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 30 continued,

    Long ass day. It's 10 PM and I just got home from seeing my therapist. Had a full session which was amazing. I feel really on track right now mentally. I added my phone to my Qustodio account, but unfortunately was still unable to block the Tumblr app. It really sucks that you can't block individual apps on your phone, allowing content to come through. I really hope Apple and Qustodio address this soon. For now, the positive is that there is still a ton of stuff blocked on my phone. I just need to have the discipline to stay away from the Tumblr content as well as GIFs from browsing apps. Not that difficult in the big scheme of things. I just really wanted to put the nail in the coffin of this recovery. I guess that's life, no easy solutions. I'll need to continue to rewire the shit out of my brain with this forum, and keep these streaks going as long as humanly possible.
     
  18. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Day 31,

    Really stressful day at work today. Work has been stressful lately and I really can't wait until everything blows over.

    Woke up fairly well-rested, morning routine, work, commute, just got home. My phone has a lock and a face ID on it now since I installed Qustodio, which is really annoying since the app didn't even fix my problem. I'll need to drive my ass to my therapist who's office is far away to uninstall it. It kind of sucks.

    I opened the Tumblr app to see if anything was even blocked, and it's not. This was kind of brutal because I had to peek. It threw me for a loop a bit. I started to get sucked back into the world of porn addiction. I just remembered what I journaled - no hot streak is hot enough to stop even the tiniest relapse. I'm so damn stressed out as it is I don't think I could handle another relapse. I just have to stay strong and focus on other things.

    Even with all this stress, I'm not feeling the same pull towards coping with porn. It's like I've developed other coping skills, like using this forum and working on my business. It's kind of an amazing transformation for me. I really just want to keep this streak alive and hit 30 days. It sucks that I can't block my phone the way I want to, but I'll just need to focus even harder on self-discipline. It's my only option. It sucks though because for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling pulled towards looking. It's not strong enough where I can't control it like in previous relapses, but the pull is still there. I don't like this feeling. I can only hope that another week of not peeking will allow these feelings to fade away.

    Just gotta keep pushing. Another day to the streak.
     
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  19. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    hi ry, i know how you feel, the pressure, and the slight urge to look, slowly growing. You need to be careful this weekend and not allow yourself to look at anything even mildly innocent.

    Yes come here instead when you are feeling the urge. That way you can get some dopamine from reading/journaling instead of from unhealthier P

    You can control it. It might seem strong, but each time you say no, your power over it gets a bit stronger and you need to continually make your willpower to say no stronger so that eventually it won’t be too hard to say no. it will just be part of you
     
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  20. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

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    Great advice man. Thank you. It's fascinating that you mention getting a dopamine fix from this forum. I've learned that I can get a dopamine fix from this forum and from working on my business. These have become my new coping skills. Life is so much better with positive coping skills. It's like Brian Tracy says, "bad habits are easy to create but hard to live with, good habits are hard to create but easy to live with." I've noticed this in my own life for sure.
     

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