My Story of How I Became Addicted to Creepshots

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by ryguyuplift, Jul 28, 2019.

  1. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    Xactlt! Brian tracy’s quote is kinda like this other one i used to tell myself: Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life!

    Replacing the bad habits with good ones is extremely important. The routines you have, the lifestyle you live, it’s all up to you my friend. And you can choose to live to your utmost potential.
  2. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    Day 32 (long post with realizations),

    32 days since starting this journal. 32 days since that brutal relapse. Wow, this is crazy. What a transformation I've seen in myself. I tell myself "hard work always pays off," and yet I'm still shocked when I see results in the real world. Working with all types of people on this forum, young, old, gay, straight, masters of nofap, beginners of nofap, I just want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for the impact you've made on my life. I hope to make you proud and hit my first 30-day streak of all time. I've found a new passion and brotherhood with nofap, and I'm extremely grateful for this.

    Today was cool. Superpowers are on fleek! Holy shit. My wit and charisma is FIRE. I've never been on this level in my life. I feel like I could rope a girl at the drop of a hat. I remember roping one of my ex-girlfriends. I was in a similar place emotionally. I remember associating gaming her with running her down with a freight train - no escape.

    When I objectively look at the results in my life, I can see incredible changes with nofap. My first success came when I started blocking content and for the first time would go 2 weeks to a month at a time without relapsing. This period of my life led to some of the most incredible progress I've ever seen. I landed my dream job, bought a house, and started an online business. Now I'm seeing similar progress. I'm working 1-3 hours per day on this business in addition to my regular job plus overtime, in addition to other life events like renting rooms. Nofap is the foundation. I love this shit. I won't get too high, I won't get complacent. I'll remain humble, but objectively speaking, I'm really putting a hot streak together, and it's in direct correlation to my nofap streak. I always tell myself though, not even the hottest streak will stop even the tiniest relapse. Very important to keep this in mind and stay vigilant.

    Some realizations:

    I noticed today that I smiled maybe the largest smile of my life. I could actually feel my face muscles stretching into it. Maybe this is the association with facial features and nofap. When you are naturally in a cheerful mood, your face takes on this appearance. With enough time, this becomes permanent. The same can be said for looking like a creep. Your face begins to take the structure of a disturbed individual.

    Last night, I peeked. I wanted to see if the app I installed was working. This sent my urges through the roof. it was crazy. I ended up MOing last night and this morning just to keep my urges in check. However, the further I stray from the peaking incident, the less urges I'm feeling. This morning, I felt like the MO might have taken something out of me. I was a bit more calm and less explosive feeling. However, my charisma, wit, and cheerfulness is still through the roof. It's amazing to watch the changes as they take place. Like, how I felt a week in, and now coming up on 30 days how I feel. It will be interesting to note and journal how I feel at 60 days, 90 days, and so on.

    I also had an insight about smoking cigarettes. I visualize my lungs smelling like an ashtray, and how detrimental this must be to my internal environment. This motivates me to quit tremendously. Also, quitting porn has taught me a lot about quitting any addiction. Basically, the longer your "streak" of not smoking, the more your urges will decrease. This has motivated me to quit cold turkey and rewire my dopamine circuits. I'm not in a position to quit right now, but when the time comes, I'm going for it.

    I'll finish by journaling my day. Nothing really exciting. Woke up, ate breakfast, visualized, showered. I've been listening to the TB12 method on audiobook, and I'm super excited to do some meal prepping and eat more whole foods, as well as quit smoking. I also had some pretty good energy levels today, even though I didn't sleep that well. My sleep schedule has been consistent if nothing else so I think that's helping.

    Work went really well. It's amazing how much power I seem to be cultivating with visualization, especially combined with nofap. I incorporated my workday going great into my visualization ritual and it came to life like magic. Lately, it's like I've been changing real-world circumstances at will. It's bizarre. I never fully believed in God, there was always a shadow of doubt. But I seem to have gained awareness of this force that exists, like an infinite intelligence. I call it God. Now that I see it all around me, and I've finally developed the ability to work with it rather than against it, I'm a die-hard believer.

    I got home and I've been on the forum for over an hour now. I had a lot in my inbox and a lot to catch up on. This is great because I enjoy it and it's a great positive way to unwind after work and get that dopamine rush that used to be provided by P.

    I'm almost finished with my book and getting ready to launch it. This is very exciting because I've been working my ass off on it. I'll spend the rest of my night working on it and shut the lights around 9-10 o'clock.

    I've decided to give up working out during the week in pursuit of my business goals. I'll work out one day per week and make sure to make it count. This will keep me looking presentable and keep my health in check. I hate to be a weekend warrior but it's just time management at this point. I still plan on making changes to my health like prepping whole food meals and quitting smoking. I'll progress this as time goes on.

    Well, I could go on and on but I think I'll wrap here. Another day to the streak.
  3. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    That seems like a good motto for you. Everyone should have their own quote or motivating phrase that when they tell themself, they remember to stay on guard.

    One of my friends @IWantToBreakFree123 had the motto: cleanliness is next to Godliness. Mine used to be “The pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret”, because everytime i relapsed, i realized there was no joy in it anymore. All that was waiting for me was regret

    Yes, good realization. Btw girls have a 6th sense for detecting this. They can easily spot a guy who PMOs frequently, and will subconsciously know to stay away from him because he is giving out creepy vibes.

    When you stay away from it, you have a more naturally innocent, pure, handsome look. And yes, in your PM, that’s why you were a slayer in middle school and not in high school/college. That purity is the base of attraction. If you are constantly draining your sexual energy through pmo, your masculine side becomes weak. There is not enough polarity to attract the feminine. But your masculinity builds the longer you go without.

    On a biological level, when you don’t watch P or have a release, your brain, which wasn’t able to distinguish btwn sex irl and PMO session, realized “oh snap, this dude ain’t getting women anymore. Our genes will not be passed on.”

    So it enhances you in every way so you can attract a mate and reproduce. That may entail giving you better skin, hair, confidence, happiness with yourself and life, more attractive and innocent face/eyes, the drive to succeed in your business, etc.

    Critical you read this

    Caligula and IWantToBreakFree123 like this.
  4. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    I have reddit blocked so I can't see it but those are some incredible insights on nofap. Certainly explains the changes taking place. It's amazing because I've been studying dating and attraction for over 10 years now and developing myself accordingly. Now with nofap it's like unleashing the beast. I don't know if I've ever felt confidence like this before. Like, my self-doubt with women is virtually evaporating. It's crazy.
    goodnice 2.0 and Deleted Account like this.
  5. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    Day 33,

    Just wrapped up a 7 day work week. I'm wiped. I can barely keep my eyes open. I don't know how I'll work on this business tonight. I might be hitting the wall.

    Today went great. Man, these superpowers are hitting hard. Wow, just, wow. It's like a steroid cycle. You inject for a month and ya you get some results and then after 30 days, bam, you blow up like a balloon. I'm experiencing the same with nofap. I'm 2 days away from 30 days and dude these superpowers are incredible. My happiness, charisma, wit, and charm. Oh my God, I've never felt anything like it. I used to feel old at 29 but I seriously feel 21 again. No exaggeration.

    My urges for some reason are getting stronger. I don't know if it is because of my hormones or what the deal is. I think that peeking incident is still fucking with me. Man, I learned my lesson big time. Do not peek under any circumstances. I'm lucky I didn't see the full thing, it might have done me in.

    I know since I'm desensitized, watching P would be amazing, but the dark and depressing energy, the fact that it would take all of these superpowers and just suck them dry. I can't imagine feeling that way. Also, at this point, relapsing goes against everything I stand for and believe in. I am nofap. NoFap is me. Nofap is my passion and calling in life. How can I turn my back on this? I'll MO if necessary, but I won't trade my soul for an orgasm, it's not a worthwhile trade.

    Nothing really else to talk about, just another day of work. I have a 2 day weekend coming up that I'm so excited for. The rest, exercise, and recreation will be incredible. I have a cookout tomorrow which is going to be awesome and hopefully, the weather is as great as it was today.

    Another day to the streak.

    "No streak is hot enough to stop even the tiniest relapse"
    goodnice 2.0 and Deleted Account like this.
  6. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    i really like this insight. It’s smart to identify yourself as someone who doesn’t PMO. When i got urges, I would often tell myself:No! i am pure and i am good
    lceres6 likes this.
  7. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut


    It's been a while since I've posted. I've been extremely busy.

    I'm on a 38 day streak right now. Something I never thought possible. My life is on another level right now. I'm generating major horsepower and moving towards my goals at speeds I never thought possible. But the best part is, I feel great. No signs of depression or social anxiety whatsoever. No brain fog. I'm focusing on my health, wealth, and relationships, with no distractions. Life is a joy.

    As far as sex drive goes, it's still pretty low. I've masturbated a bit and had times where it was high, but it's a different feeling. Like, I feel like a new man afterwards. Like a natural release, not artificial. I masturbate way less now. Like once a week about, maybe twice at the most. It's crazy, because I used to masturbate 2-3 times per day minimum for over a decade. I'm learning to strike a balance between being a man with a natural sex drive and being over sexed or under sexed. It's a learning curve. I'm learning that being oversexed is unnatural and creepy. Now, I hardly think of it. I'll look at a girl and find her attractive, but I'm much more interested in dating her, getting to know her, and building a relationship with her, not so much about dirty sex anymore.

    As far as superpowers, I've developed a tolerance to it. I wonder if they are even superpowers at all. Like, take crack away from a crackhead. He will at first assume he has some sort of superpowers. He is able to focus, do chores, errands, get a job, hold a job, have relationships. But eventually, he learns that this is just the regular way people live their lives. For me, I've developed myself through self-help and made great progress in my life. But take the porn away, and it's like removing a 100 lb ball and chain from my leg, and I just take off like the wind. The progress I've made in my life is incredible. Porn always set me back, made me lose focus, took my energy, my drive. But now, I'm just cruising at highway speeds. It feels great. I can't wait to see what I can accomplish in years to come. Having a wife, kids, being a father. I'm excited to see what the future holds. My career has been great, I'm focusing on my health, and I'm socializing more. I've raised the vibration of my life. I'm on another level now. Out of the sewer, and I'm flying with the birds.

    I've learned to succeed in this area, you need to rewire your brain and reframe your beliefs. I did this through deep, heavy journaling, helping others, commenting, posting, and just being as involved as possible with this forum. All while abstaining and putting streaks together. I reflected and learned from every mistake in great detail. Through doing this, I've completely changed my perspective with P. Now, I'm like that 65 year old dude you meet who just isn't into porn and never would be. It's his beliefs and perspective that accomplishes this. Brute willpower only gets you so far. You need to actually believe deep down that P is straight trash and something that you wouldn't even think of looking at. Like crack or heroin. Do you need to force yourself to not take "just one hit?" No, because you understand that it's garbage and you just choose to stay away. That's the level I've gotten to with P.

    I'll stay vigilant. Not even the hottest streak can stop even the tiniest relapse. We'll see what the future holds. I remember a guy commenting on one of my first posts. He said, "man, for a guy new to nofap, you freaking dove in head first!" He was right. And honestly, it led to success for me. I dove in and shared every detail. I journaled every detail of every day for close to 30 straight days. My thoughts on porn, the details of my life, what I was going through, how I processed what I was going through. I also digested others' stories and shared my perspective. Pondering their struggles and finding words to help them overcome them. This has led to rewiring my brain and reframing my beliefs at a deep level. I've really dug deep and gotten to the roots of this addiction.

    Quitting through brute force is like cutting down a tree. Then when it grows again, you cut it down again. But to get rid of the tree once and for all, you need to uproot it. You need to get in there with shovels, excavators, drills, and power tools, and uproot the fucker. Dig out every last root and burn all of it. Then, the tree is dead. No matter how much water and sun, the fucker will never grow again. That's how you beat P addiction. Dig deep and uproot all of the bullshit. Once it's dead, you go on with your life like it never happened.
    lceres6, Caligula and Deleted Account like this.
  8. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    9/10/19, 45-day streak update:

    Insight: Replace your dopamine high by helping others recover.
    Perhaps the number one thing that helped me in my recovery was helping others recover. I read countless stories of others struggling with this addiction and offered whatever value I could to help them recover and improve their lives. We sow what we reap in others. Every time I offered a piece of helpful advice and received feedback, I was boosting my self-esteem, self-confidence, and the belief that I'm a good person and I can do this too. It gave me a rush of dopamine that porn couldn't compete with. I spent hours per day on this forum, the same hours I would have been fapping. I spent these hours developing myself, working on recovery, and helping others do the same. By doing this, I replaced my negative addiction with a positive one. This was monumental in my recovery.

    Benefits I've experienced from quitting porn:

    Improved health and energy:
    - I've focused my extra time on improving my health. Through this journey, I discovered that health is more important than just looking good on the surface. I read the TB12 Method, and decided to model myself after Tom Brady, a man who has achieved peak physical performance and health into his 40's. I've been eating cleaner, my BP is down, my hormones are more stable, I eat a clean diet, and I take supplements. I train a lot more cardio and stretching, things that make me feel better, healthier, more vibrant, and improve my energy levels. Nofap has been the foundation for all of this.

    Investing more time into my business, my family, and social relationships:
    - I've learned just how much time I wasted fapping my life away. After a long day of work, I'd spend 2-3 hours browsing porn sites and fapping. Not only was this 2-3 hours per day wasted, but it drained my energy, leading to a vicious cycle. Too tired to do anything but fap. Now, I spend these hours working on my business, spending time with family, and socializing. Furthermore, I have more energy to use on the important things in life, not fapping.

    Improved career and taking more financial responsibility:
    - I've opened two new bank accounts and I've been saving more than spending. I've been putting more time into my business. I also removed a troublesome tenant, painted and furnished the room, and advertised the room for a better tenant and roommate. I still struggle, but I'm moving in the right direction financially. Without nofap, I wouldn't have the energy, drive, self-confidence, self-esteem, or emotional momentum to achieve this.

    Confidence, charisma, wit, and charm:
    - My confidence, charisma, wit, and charm levels are through the freaking roof. Through the freaking roof. I'm so quick-witted it's ridiculous. I literally outclass everybody with my wit now. It's truly incredible. I'm more charismatic and charming in my career and social life. I'm a joy to be around, and since I spend more time with myself than anyone else, it's a joy. I'm more confident with girls, and have a much more take it or leave it attitude with them. These benefits are truly incredible. These are the superpowers everyone talks about.

    No social anxiety or depression:
    - The viel of social anxiety and depression has been lifted. I am genuinely happy. I go through stressful times, but the highs are WAY higher, and the lows aren't as bad. Without bugging out and geeking out like an addict all the time, I can stay focused on my goals and move towards them consistently. I'm just so much happier now. I'm really enjoying this experience called life. It's honestly a beautiful way of living. I'm on a higher vibrational frequency now.

    These are just a few of the benefits I've noticed on my 45-day streak. My sex drive is back in action. It's in overdrive. But I wouldn't waste what I've gained on watching porn. I've reached a turning point where the downside of losing what I've built for myself outweighs the upside of watching porn. I still think about relapsing, but then I instantly realize what I have to lose, and it's not worth it in the least. Things are going really well in terms of nofap, and since nofap is the foundation for everything, my life is improving steadily and consistently.
  9. Liven

    Liven Fapstronaut

    Reading this is scary, im in my early 30's and beeing watching P since i was 12 yr old. I've never relaized until recently how much this has messed me up. My view of women in genereal, and ED. It also messed up a longterm relationsship. And the alone bit really scares me and not being able to get a grip on the addiction. I've been descovering the NoFap in the start of 2019 but never managed to get any sucess.

    Regarding the creepshot I've also feel into that and can waste a lot of time doing it. And during Nofap i use it as a substitute for porn. I've been rationalzing it with "its more real and better than porn". And as you metioned in an later post that on the outside no one has any clue of whats goes on. And i makes me feel like really bad person and allways thinkin "imagine if they found out".

    How is your progress going, a while since your last post. Best of luck
  10. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    Hey man. Great job on your streak. Your doing the right thing for recovery by commenting and posting. This is what has helped me the most. This and content blocking as well. My progress has been nothing short of incredible, and I am so blessed. The depression and guilt will go away with abstinence. Keep fighting and chipping away at it and you'll get there. Nofap is the foundation to everything. I wasted over a decade of my life. I can only imagine what I would have accomplished with NoFap in my 20s. I'm just so happy I've made it this far and I'm on the right track.

    I haven't posted in a while because I've been busy with my life. I have a life now, outside of porn. I posted so much as a replacement for porn, for a rush of dopamine from a positive source. Now I don't need that, because I'm too busy living this wonderful life without porn.
  11. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    90 Day Streak Update,

    So I haven't been on here in a long time. I used to use this forum as a replacement for my porn addiction, much like using nicotine patches and gum as a replacement for cigarettes. However, I've gained enough momentum where no porn is a way of life for me, a rebirth. Consequently, I'm so busy with my life and goals, it's difficult to find the time to journal on this forum. This journal has been perhaps the best decision I've ever made. It enabled me to rid myself of the disease that is porn, and has unlocked a world of possibilities for me in the process.

    So I guess I'll just freestyle here on how I feel. First, 102-day streak. Wow, just, wow. I honestly never believed this was even possible. I honestly can't believe it. 102 fucking days. I couldn't even go more than a day before. If you don't believe me, read the beginning of this journal.

    My life has honestly taken a complete 180. Porn was single-handedly stopping me and holding me back from my dreams. It was crushing me. I'll never forget a quote I read from a guy on this forum. He said, "I looked back on the last 5-10 years of my life and saw nothing but scorched earth." Man, I can relate to this. The more engulfed I was in porn, the worse my life was, and the less I was into it, the better it was. Now, completely clean, I'm living life on a totally different level.

    I guess the best way to organize my results is by breaking it into sections. I'll start with health.

    Since quitting porn, I've gotten way back on track with my health. I'm eating cleaner and training harder than I ever have. I even quit smoking cigarettes. Quit smoking fucking cigarettes! Dude, if you don't smoke, you don't understand how insane this is. My hormones are at a healthy level, my heart rate and blood pressure are in range. I feel great. I also look better than I ever have and I'm working harder on my physique than ever before. I know these 90-day reviews may seem overhyped and like superpowers are overrated, and I want to say, these aren't superpowers. I'm not a superhuman. I'll say this though, I'm learning how to channel my sexual energy. I still masturbate, and I can tell that when I'm ready for the next level, transmuting my sexual energy through holding masturbation, then I think I'll see some real superpowers. Guys like Steve Jobs and Muhamed Ali were known for holding their loads for years or even decades, and I can honestly see that it's the magic ingredient, x-factor, secret, whatever you want to call it for their insatiable energy and drive. I can actually relate to this now in my own life. I guarantee Arnold Schwarzenegger and guys like Trump are doing the same thing. They have to be. Also, keep in mind, I'm not hyping anything, these are the actual results I've experienced from quitting porn. I still go through lows and depressions, and I'll get to this in detail, but I just want to highlight the positives I've experienced through nofap. One last point with health. I'm actually looking into and have a serious goal of entering a bodybuilding competition to get in the best shape of my life. I have a coach lined up and everything. I'm just waiting for the right moment financially and time-wise to make this happen. This would never have happened without nofap.

    Well, let's see. Since quitting porn my career has been great. My charisma and positive attitude in the workplace has really helped me become an asset to my team, and make work a great, positive environment. I've also been laser-focused on my online business. There have been setbacks, but nothing compared to relapsing on porn. I've been in the zone, hardcore, with business.

    This is the big one. This is fucking HUGE. I've seen a 10 fold improvement in my relationships. Just, wow. When I first quit porn, I was hit with the initial "superpowers." The charm, the charisma. At first, this was great, but I've grown used to it. It's almost like a crackhead quitting crack. He's like, "omg, I can do the laundry, I can apply for jobs, I have superpowers!" Like, no, not really. You're just sober.

    After the initial superpowers, I was hit HARD with a feeling of loneliness like I've never experienced. The social isolation caught up with me big time. I craved for a girlfriend like I never have in my life. I was lonely with porn, but the porn was an escape, now I was left with no replacement. I seriously considered going back to porn at this point.

    I stayed strong though. I worked my ass off on my business. I figured, if I could make enough money to quit my day job, I could work full time on finding a girlfriend and hire professional coaching. But this progress was too slow, and it wasn't enough. I was stuck in a rut again.

    I went on tinder like a fucking mad man. I have swiped, opened, and talked to more girls on tinder in the last 90 days than in my entire life combined. I adjusted my pictures, my profile, and I started talking, talking, talking to hundreds of girls. At this point, I'm going on about a date per week. The girls have steadily gotten better and the dates have gotten better as well. My confidence is finally starting to grow in this area. Right now I'm looking to take this tinder game to the next level.

    That's pretty much all I can think of. It's not a lot, but hey dude, if I can do this in 90 days, what can I do in 900 days? It's just incredible. Nofap is the foundation and I'm sticking to it for life. My next goal is small and achievable for me which is another 90 days no porn. I'm ready to rock and roll.

    One of the reasons I haven't posted much is, there's not much to talk about. No relapses, no emotional roller coasters. I'm just locked in and laser-focused. So there is not much to say.

    I just want to thank everyone out there who contributed to this journey. I couldn't have done it without this forum or without you guys. I am forever grateful. I hope that my journal can serve as a positive success story for others to learn from and become inspired.

    My top recommendations for quitting porn:
    1. Content blocking:
    Content blocking has been enormous for me in my journey. When I started, the relapses were horrible, and actually got me deeper into porn. Within the first 6 months I decided that quitting was impossible. This led me to my first trials and experience with content blockers. I blocked everything I could. When stuff slipped through the cracks, I blocked it again. I did this via my therapist. He holds the password to my content blockers. When I need to block something, he types in the password and I go in and block it. However, there will be times when you can't block everything. This is where the next level comes in. Also, I ended up cruising a lot and taking creepshots to feed my addiction. This is where the next level came in.

    2. The forums:
    I initially used these forums as a replacement for watching porn. Instead of laying around fapping, I laid around and wrote on this forum. I journaled EVERYTHING. I commented on EVERYTHING. I participated as much as possible in this forum. This gave me a dopamine rush and something positive to spend my time on. It was a positive addiction for me. Another thing I did was help as many people succeed as possible. I gave as much advice as possible and as much support as possible. You sow what you reap in others, and for me, this was monumental. Every person I helped by giving advice, coaching, and supporting, helped me in return 10 fold with my recovery. I can't recommend this enough.

    3. Tracking your streaks:
    Lastly, tracking my streaks was huge for me. It gave me a reason to keep going, and goals to accomplish. My goal on January first (almost 12 months ago) was to go 90 days without porn. I can't believe it, but I did it. It was a crazy road (read my journal), but I made it happen, and it is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I recommend setting small goals. I think this 90 days of hard mode is way to much to start with. For me personally (major porn addiction, see my journal), this was unrealistic. I still masturbate and this is fine. I'll take things to the next level when I'm ready. I'm going for at least a year of no porn before I start transmuting my energy on another level. Right now I'm experimenting with transmuting my sex energy on a daily level. Meaning, I'll hold my load until bedtime. This has helped me have a lot more energy and get a lot more accomplished. I'll work my way out from there.

    That's all I got. Thanks so much guys and keep fighting this plague!
  12. Good job man!
  13. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut


    Well done man! I am so happy for you!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. Caligula

    Caligula Fapstronaut

    Very inspiring.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. ryguyuplift

    ryguyuplift Fapstronaut

    Update: 2/9/20, Been relapsing

    So, I made it about 100 days or so before I finally relapsed. It started with watching softcore stuff, then using my imagination but remembering what I saw. Then it progressed to more hard stuff, and then an outright relapse with the tumblr app. This progressed over the last month or so until finally, I ended up relapsing all together on my PC. I was able to bypass the content blockers entirely. I'm not sure how I'm even going to fix this. I'm pretty sure I found a way around the content blockers, and honestly, I'm feeling pretty hopeless about blocking content at this point. The only solution I can think of is to journal my thoughts and emotions as much as possible on these forums and try to rewire my brain. Also just try and get another streak together.

    I feel pretty shitty right now. I'm not like bugging out or anything, which is weird. Like, no social anxiety. However, I just feel disappointed in myself that I can't stop watching P. I feel pathetic almost. Like, I have no self control. I don't have the self esteem within myself to stop. It's a shitty feeling. It's a feeling of pensiveness. Like I don't want to move my body or get out of bed.

    One thing that led to this relapse was a steroid cycle gone wrong. Basically, my estrogen was out of control leading to hot flashes. I would basically be up for 3 hours every night with nothing to do. It wasn't long before this led to porn. At first, I was ok, but when my self esteem tanked, it was all over for me. My self esteem tanked because my stomach has been screwed up to the point of having stomach pains all day every day. It started with just minor pains. Then I had to eliminate coffee and spicy food. Then it progressed to the point of nonstop pain and fatigue. Couple this with not being able to sleep for a month straight, and it led to a depression. Also, I used to take supplements for depression which worked very well, but I can't take them anymore because of my stomach. This led to depression as well. Also, I had to come off steroids and testosterone replacement entirely because it is just affecting my health so poorly, so coming off of that contributed to the depression as well.

    Basically, I just became super depressed. Couple this with being up for 3 hours in the middle of the night bored, and you just relapse. Like, I just didn't care anymore. It's been a long time since I've gone through something like this, but it's happening. I turned to P and here I am.

    Another thing contributing to depression is my life in general. I started dating during my 90 day streak and ended up with a girlfreind. She's ok, but honestly I would hate to settle with her for life. At 30 years old, I just feel like my life is over because I'm stuck in my 9-5 job settling for a girl I don't even feel attracted to. It's just a depressing feeling. Normally I would feel fine, like I would have the confidence to work out more, work more, and change my situation, but with the stomach pains, it just broke me. It's hard to work through the pains and develop any sort of confidence or momentum.

    My side business is doing ok. I'm honestly getting close to making some money with it. But I'm sitting here today on a Sunday, a day when I normally crush life and get so much done, but due to depression, stomach pains, and porn, I'm literally laying here doing nothing. My 3rd weekend in a row of doing nothing which is probably the first time in years. It's so depressing and such a feeling of hopelessness. It literally feels like my life is over. I don't anticipate my stomach ever healing honestly. As soon as it starts to feel ok, there is a setback.

    There's a girl I used to hook up with that I'm very attracted to and honestly at this point just want to settle down with her, but she's not interested. However, two nights ago she kind of hit me up out of nowhere. We went out and ended up having sex that night. It was very strange. She like hit me up for a booty call. Then I texted her the next day and she wasn't interested in texting. It was great to get laid at least, but just sucks knowing that she's not interested.

    It's nice having someone to talk to with my current girlfriend. I think that's softening the blow of the porn use. However, it is still sucking the energy out of me and making me want to lay around all day. Although that could be the stomach and the no caffeine. It seems like whenever my stomach flares up, fatigue sets in. Also though, I've experienced 90 days of sex transmutation and I personally feel like it's nearly impossible to succeed without it.

    Regardless of the reason though, I feel sick, tired, and bed bound. I'm going to just have to push forward without content blockers, journal as much as possible, read stories from others, try and help others, and just try to put a streak together. At least if I could do that, I would be able to have full control over this illness without relying on content blockers.
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  16. porsche4life

    porsche4life Fapstronaut

    I edged for a few minutes last night to ig pics before stopping because I knew if I ejaculate my precious energy will be lost. Sexual transmutation is indeed real although I need to find a more effective way next time to overcome my urges so I don't edge or full blow relapse.

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